CAREGIVER DIARIES: SUPPORT GROUP

"What better time to respectfully say what's been weighing on your mind, than when the person you need to confront is in the room? 

Don't hold conversations with people in their absence! Face to face is the way. That way, there will be no misunderstanding of message, intent, or tone. 

Don't let anything fester.  

Is someone talking out of both sides of their many faces? 

Is someone else scheming and you're aware of it? 

Shut it down...immediately. 

In person. 

You have to let an imp know that you see them. 

No one gets to pop in, wreak havoc, sail off, and think you're going to clean up the mess." 

~A.N., Caregiver, 3 years

"Excusing untenable words and behavior and humoring people is not loving them. Tell the truth. 

If the thread that's binding your relationship is the inability, or unwillingness to speak truth, you may as well cut it. 

Just because a person is ailing doesn't mean they're no longer an adult capable of facing the truth. 

You're not helping yourself being deceitful. 

Sometimes, you just have to extract the sugar. 

Some people have never been corrected; they've never been told "You're wrong"; they've never been told to mind their manners or tone; they've never been called out for their behavior. 

They go through life, and no one says a word because there has either been a payoff, excuses have been accepted as fact, or everyone is intimidated--or just too tired to bother. 

There isn't always a sweet or nice way to clear the air. 

Reconciliation is the goal, but some people need to be shown the door if changing their divisive behavior isn't something they're in favor of. Someone has to stand up and say "Enough" and expose the crap that's been stinking up a situation, and inform it that it is not going to be allowed to continue to do so. 
If the relationship remains after the truth is told, it's solid. 
Who do you think you are telling the truth? 

Someone who cares. 

That's who you are." 

~R.T., Caregiver 10 years

"Where do all the advisors and supervisors come from? 

You always know when there's been conversation about you, and conclusions drawn, and plans and decisions made. 

Watch how appalled people become when all that's needed is your consent, but you don't give it. 

They were so sure you'd fold, because they're so used to having their way. 

It's funny how Every Now and Then always thinks it can school, and steamroll over Every Day. 

Those who expect you to be the pushover you've always been, will never like the new, improved, confrontational you. 

You never had an interest in being at the table before. Now, you'd better assume your rightful place, and speak for yourself. It's an exponentially greater experience when facts and truth are on your side." 

~P.M., Caregiver 6 months

"Documentation is a wonderful thing. Perhaps you don't think you should have to keep a record of your experience, and those who impact it, but smart phones were invented for such a time as this." ~G.H.,Caregiver 1 year

"Don't you just love it when the phone rings, and it's someone telling you what they heard, or what somebody said, and what they think you ought to do? "If I were you..." Well, you're not me. You're not here. Shut the hell up. Nobody told me about the busybodies! Good thing you can't punch someone in the mouth through the phone." 

~K.J., Caregiver 9 months

"Listen to your body. Acknowledge when it's time to take a break. You are not a machine--and even they require maintenance. 

Note those people who have an issue with you taking care of yourself; who seem to have an attitude if it looks like you're having an inkling of fun; who act like the apocalypse is occurring if you step out for a second. They're usually the ones who wouldn't do what you do if they were paid to." 

~O.L.,Caregiver 8 months

"When your loved one is vulnerable, you have to be vigilant. 

Some people are genuinely helpful. God bless them. Some are scheming and fuming because they can't make a long-distance call, kiss up, spin a sob story, and get their bills paid courtesy of an old person's pension anymore. God help them." 

~F.D.,Caregiver 5 months

"Don't compromise. Speak up. 

Are your actions right and just? 

Has there been progress with regard to the principal thing? 

Are your efforts making things better for those who matter?
Never mind if they never acknowledge it, are they better?  If they are, don't even pretend to tolerate, excuse, or be silent about anything that undermines the situation. 

No one gets to commence deliberately undoing the work you've done and the routines, and order you've established. 
Everything changes when the life of the party gets sick. 

The partygoers think its business as usual, but you have to let them know in no uncertain terms, that the bar is closed. 

Dare the do-nothings in your life to say one word about the boundaries you set. 

I have no problem hurting inconsiderate people's feelings. Feelings don't scrub toilets, manage meds, arrange transportation, or prepare meals. 

You have two people in mind. 

Two priorities. Yourself and the person you serve. 

Everybody else is on their own, and if that gets anyone's underwear in a bunch, too bad." 

~S.R.,Caregiver 7 years