WEDNESDAY THOUGHTS: GOSSIP

It is the aim of some people to create chaos the second their feet touch the floor in the morning. 

They've got to pick up the phone, from their home or place of employment, find a gullible ally, sow a seed of discord, and then sit back and watch it grow-- and choke not only others, but themselves. 

Amazingly, they're the first to feign innocence and ask, "What happened?" when the you-know-what hits the proverbial fan.

Is there confusion, or division in your space? Who's always talking, gossiping, whispering, scheming? Who's controlling the narrative? Has it ever been verified? Who's saying one thing to one person or group, and another to everyone else? 

Perhaps it's time for the listening people and groups to get together to compare notes! There will be a lot of choruses of "But I thought..."; "But he said..."; "But she said...";"Why would they lie?"; "Why would they want others to look badly?"; "Why?"

Why are you walking around with a negative perception of someone with whom you have very little interaction? Why are you angry with someone you've never even met? Why are you indignant and poised to angrily confront someone about something that doesn't affect your life at all? What have you been told? What report have you believed? Have you weighed it? Do you have all sides? Who are you listening to? Do they have integrity? What information do you have, and have you bothered to find out if it's even TRUE? Who are you taking your cues from? Who do you respect or admire that perhaps you shouldn't? Who is always in your ear sharing damaging, character-assassinating information about someone else? Why are they doing it? What do they expect you to do with the information? What are you supposed to do? Just store it, and when you see the person, roll your eyes at and curse them?

Ask yourself why there's always some disagreement or misunderstanding brewing, or in full swing.

FIND THAT COMMON DENOMINATOR. There is one. 

Don't be afraid, and don't be surprised when you find out who it is. 

You WILL be surprised how situations will change; how peace and harmony will abound when the talebearer is exposed, confronted, reprimanded, and silenced. 

Some people have abandoned their own business and run their big mouths, unchecked, far too long.  

Consider the gossip. Sometimes, loneliness causes people to become bitter, mistrusting, and anxious. They think that eliciting pity, or having common foes is the only way that they can get others to engage or befriend them, so they concoct tales. They pit others against one another as if it's a sport. There is a desperate need to remain the center of attention, so they have to keep everyone in opposite corners and at odds. There is insecurity. They don't know who they can count on, so everyone is a potential enemy, poised to hurt or abandon them. They collect people, but are loyal to no one. As long as there's contention, they feel alive. They've never enjoyed the contentment that harmony brings. One needs to have people close, but only as partners in strife, collaborators against common enemies, or to use when they want or need something. The sad thing is that one has no idea of the trouble one causes; the damage that is done to the relationships of others when one simply does not consider the weight of one's words.

Don't be dragged into dysfunction. Don't allow it. Speak up. The minute you sense gossip, call it out; change the subject. Turn that thing around. 

Want to know something about someone? Ask them. They'll tell you if you're crossing the line or not. 

Go to the source. When you want accurate information about anything, why bother with anyone who won't be objective, has no connection, can only speculate, will be biased, or is known to lie? 

Sometimes it's good to be neutral. Other times--no--all the time--it's imperative to stand up for what is right. Don't just let people trash others and you know they're lying, misinformed, or just plain divisive and evil. Consider too, when you're listening to someone talk, if there is some medical or mental condition you don't know about. 

Don't participate in gossip--no matter who it is. You have a mind of your own. Use it. You can't slam phones down like you used to be able to do back in the day, but calls can be ended. Don't be an accomplice in the assassination of another person's reputation.

We tend to trust certain people to be honest. It never occurs to us that they have biases and agendas. We hang on to their words and fail to question the motivation behind them. We conclude that they would have no reason to lie, and feel free to repeat and spread scenarios, feelings, ideas, and opinions that are in no way acquainted with the truth. 

The words of a gossip, liar, or manipulator have weight. Blindly adopting, acting on, and believing without fact checking is done to one's own detriment. Take the wrong side of an issue, and one is in danger of seeing not only the destruction of one's own healthy relationships, but the abortion of new, beneficial ones.

Use your discernment. The old adage is true: "A dog that will bring a bone, will carry one."

TUESDAY THOUGHTS: FIFTY-SIX

Yesterday was my birthday. 
So. Hey there, Fifty-six! This is you, huh? 

I remember when I thought fifty anything was as old as the dinosaurs.

A few more lines in the face, skin that doesn't snap back as readily, a challenging waistline, little aches and pains in the knees every now and then, hair in places I didn't notice it before, intolerance for unnecessary noise and clutter, and tolerance for foods I swore I'd never eat, are marking the milestone I quietly celebrated yesterday. 

Fifty-six. I still have my smile and my song. 

I refuse to apologize for doing what I know is right. When people show me who they are, I believe them. 

I have embraced "No". 

I know how important it is for me to take time for myself, and continue to do the things I love.

"Take a selfie" I told myself. "Find some color and put it on". 

I suddenly felt very grateful and thankful. 

"You made it. Keep going."

This has been a challenging year, but there's something about looking back and realizing you're still present, and in possession of your sanity, that makes all of the drama disappear. 
There are still busybodies trying to undermine and minimize my efforts as a caregiver; silly, deluded women vying to be my new stepmother; people scheming and trying to fracture my immediate family, and thinking their antics are going to move me, but all of their shenanigans have failed. (One day, I'm really going to write a book.)

I'm loving my new take on confrontation. I'm no longer afraid of it. 

"You have a reputation you know!" my Dad told me. 

I laughed. "I know, Dad, but only among people whose opinions don't matter. They're amusing to me. I don't care if some user or con thinks I'm mean, or unfriendly. Boundaries are important. Some people are too familiar. I don't play with devils or dogs. I have no tolerance for people who target seniors, or anyone who's vulnerable. What would make anyone, who's tried to take advantage of you, think I would trust them, let alone like them, want to entertain them, or be happy to see them? All of those "Miss Hilly's" should be very tired by now". 

Good Lord, I'm 56. I must be. I remember the time I wouldn't have said any of that.

In spite of the negatives, the positives are tremendous. I'm grateful for the thoughtful people who keep in touch; who keep me connected to my passion; who've been caregivers before. 

I'm especially grateful for those who are helpful, sensitive, considerate, and supportive. They get it--the whole of it. They know how something as simple as going out for a bite to eat can brighten a day.

"You're still here" I told myself. "That alone is something to celebrate. Any time the enemy and his human cohorts fail miserably is a good day. You're stronger, clearer, and more direct. You're embracing your discernment. You're finally accepting that just because you're nice to others, it doesn't mean they'll be nice to you. It's painful to acknowledge, but not everyone is in your corner--and that's okay. You now know who is for you."

My sister and nephew stopped by, and brought some of my favorite things. Yes. There was popcorn. It really made my day. My littlest nephew handed me a tiny package. "I already have one, Nessa, so I want you to have it." I opened the package and it was a tiny troll doll.  She was smiling, and her bright eyes and confident pose made me smile. You couldn't tell her she didn't have it going on. I hugged my nephew. I know what a sacrifice it is for him to give up a cereal box toy. 

Before he left, he looked at me and said, "Happy Birthday, Nessa! You look really young to be fifty-six."
(He can get whatever he wants from me...lol)

The little things really matter. I'm grateful for life; for people who care; for another day to get it--whatever it is--right.

DREAM JOURNAL

In my dream I was among a large gathering of people. We were standing on a field of green grass, and then began walking up a hill. Suddenly someone shouted, "Look!" The wind began to blow, and a cone formed that extended from the sky to the ground. It continued to spin in one place, but didn't seem to disrupt anything. The top of it was wider than the bottom and there seemed to be a blinding white light coming from the perfectly round opening that led to someplace higher. As we watched, three gigantic figures dressed in shiny, silver armor raised themselves and began to dance. Part of their armor looked like scales and when they extended their arms and began to whirl, wings fell. They were so stunning, and although they never spoke, they compelled everyone to dance. As everyone moved in circles the three figures stopped and lifted the plates of their helmets to expose their faces. Everyone laughed when we realized they were Bert, Ernie, and Mr. Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street. The color of their faces was so saturated and everyone commented how bright and happy they were. 
Then I woke up.

Maybe Atomic Fireballs aren't the thing to eat at bedtime.

INBOX

For a second you have to remind your brain that the "Black Friday" sales notices and offers, flooding your inbox, have no important cultural significance that you're compelled, or bound to recognize. "Wait! Why are you deleting those? The email! It says Black Friday! That's for you! That's got you all over it! It's a color! You like color! You LOVE black! You ARE black! Open it! What if there's a strategy meeting, a ceremony, or singing involved?" 

*delete...delete...delete...delete...delete...delete*

Oh. Okay. THAT "Black". Economics. Marketing. Shopping. Okay. Carry on, Index Finger. My bad."

TIES THAT BIND

Not interested in day to day

Hassle-free is best, I say

Let someone else pick up the tab

The sponsorship is up for grabs

There are things I don't care to see

So far, that's worked out fine for me

I get the best they have to give

Occasional, and positive

Pay to play will never be

Fuel for insecurity

History has proven why

The situation works out fine

Chalk it up to Chemistry

Souls and hearts and minds in sync

A zone that few will ever know

Even as they enjoy the show

It's best when everyone decides

The truth only improves with time

It's funny how they think you're sad

With all-access to what they have

What they fear most is, it's your call

One word from you could change it all

That one word is a simple "Yes"

They must say "No" a lot, I guess

You share a stage, they share a phone

And so they smile; leave you alone

Don't want to know the things you know

Except how they can be the show

They think they've won--don't see the prize

Is hidden in twelve glancing eyes

And their two aren't involved at all

Delusion keeps their vision small

It's sad to watch them try to mold

And tame a free, creative soul

And in the name of Love, deny

All that feeds and gives them life

All of our minds are fixed on this

One day, they'll understand the biz

And how they can never compete

How they should just concede defeat

Or quickly learn to sing or play

But that won't guarantee they'll stay

My mind's on it; it's mind's on me

It's like holy matrimony

And for so long that's how it's been

And only we can make it end

They could relieve a lot of stress

If they'd stop trying to possess

What can't be held or even seen

A longing; a necessity

That can't be bought, and can't be bribed

That won't diminish; won't subside

I understand, and that's the piece

That keeps drawing their energy

I know it's more than others see

I know because it lives in me

vrw©2016

SUNDAY THOUGHTS: ON THE JOB

Have you ever wondered why you were asked to undertake a particular task, as opposed to someone else? 

Was the timing odd? 

Was the request urgent? Were the circumstances overrun with red flags?

Before one begins boasting, speculating, or celebrating one's abilities, importance, or position, one should know, in detail, the circumstances that facilitated one's presence on the job. 

Don't become preoccupied, or allow information to hinder you from being effective, but it may be beneficial to know:

1. Who was in the running?

2. Who preceded you on the job?

3. Why they are no longer there? 

4. Are you being compensated fairly?

Remember, you can't make an informed, or intelligent assessment without considering all sides of an issue. 

Competent, skilled people don't just quit, decline, or disappear for no reason. There's a backstory on why people respectfully pass on what others consider great opportunities, and it's not always because they're too busy. Perhaps they know something about the work environment that you don't. 

Business is often messy. One should consider that being asked doesn't always indicate preference or favor of one's skills set. It may be that others have been sought, but have refused to endure known dysfunction, worrisome behavior, weak leadership, poor, inconsistent, or dishonest business practices, abuse, unrealistic expectations, or untenable working conditions.

Know what you're getting into. 

Keep your eyes and ears open. 

Remember, even when it doesn't seem so, you always have a choice.

Sometimes, by their own words and behavior, many leaders, managers, supervisors, or employers forfeit, repel, and exhaust willing, faithful, capable, and available options, and have no choice than to enlist the aid of clueless, mediocre, gullible, desperate, overly ambitious individuals--or like-minded opportunists. 

It's never good to find out that the only reason you've been enlisted, was because you came cheaply, or because astute others said an emphatic, "No thanks".

On any job, do your part, do your very best, (and by all means, get that coin!), but be very aware when you have been invited to be pawn in a scheme to hurt, humiliate, insult, ostracize, demean, embarrass, show up, antagonize, or lure someone else. 

If they'll do it to them, they'll do it to you. 

Don't ever get cozy and comfortable around ruthless people. Don't turn a blind eye and ignore red flags that signal inconsistency, lack of integrity, bullying, etc. 

Pay attention to how others are treated, and don’t ever think your turn isn’t coming.

Never blur the line between friendship and business. 

Be clear about what you will and won't do. 

Have expectations. Maintain your standards. 

If the infamous "They" have their business hats on, then, doggone it, you keep yours on, too. 

Perhaps the old adage is true. Perhaps one monkey doesn't stop a show, but if you're the newbie enlisted to keep the show going, don't get cocky. One day you may find yourself comparing notes with, and apologizing to the smart “monkey” who got away.

SATURDAY THOUGHTS: POETRY PROMPT---LESSONS FROM THE LEAVES

I watched the neighbors as they raked and bagged leaves. 

They even had a leaf blower. 

They worked for hours. 

I was actually feeling lazy as I noticed them each time I passed the kitchen window. 

They each had a rake, and their teamwork was so admirable. 

"Maybe I should go outside and rake, too" I told myself.

 
I went outside, grabbed the broom, swept leaves out of the garage, and then swept the walkway and porch. 

I was headed back to the garage to get the rake, when the wind blew...and blew...and blew. 

In a matter of seconds, all of the neighbor's work I'd admired--5 big Lowe's paper bags worth-- looked as if they'd done nothing at all. Their yard looked like my yard--inundated with fallen leaves. 

It looked as if someone maliciously untied the bags they'd spent hours filling, and dumped the contents back onto their lawn. 

Every time the wind blows the leaves rush, swirl, tumble, and scatter. It's like a stampede.

I can only imagine their frustration, unless they were just raking for exercise. 

In that case, they put in a really good work out.

I remembered how we used to collect leaves to study and draw in Science class in elementary school. 

I remembered how we used to press them between wax paper. 

There were crayons and an iron involved, but I can't remember what for. 
I think I'll just admire the beauty; wait for the wind to finish doing it's thing. Maybe someone will roll by with a giant leaf sucking vacuum cleaner. 
This is a job for professionals...and patience.

LESSONS FROM THE LEAVES

The wonder of them
The colors-- lush and bright
Not one like another
They're changing; drying
In truth, they're dying
In graceful flight they let go
Making room for others to grow

Ripped away from their source by the wind
Traveling far and wide
They exchange great heights for the ground
And let us see them up close
How intricate and beautiful they are

We see the tumbling
Swirling
Hear the rustling
Lament how they're moved by every gust
They seem to run from yard to yard
Play without care in the middle of the streets
And when they become too much to bear
When they clog and block
When rain comes and makes them heavy
We turn on them
Pick up our tools and gather them
But another gust comes
They laugh at us
And blanket everything again
There are more of them than we imagine

They give us reason to pause
To ask why, and how
Every year, without fail, they fall
We are fortunate
Not everyone experiences the change
That reminds us how quickly time passes
And how creative, and consistent God is

 vrw©2016

CAREGIVER DIARIES: SUPPORT GROUP

"What better time to respectfully say what's been weighing on your mind, than when the person you need to confront is in the room? 

Don't hold conversations with people in their absence! Face to face is the way. That way, there will be no misunderstanding of message, intent, or tone. 

Don't let anything fester.  

Is someone talking out of both sides of their many faces? 

Is someone else scheming, and you're aware of it? 

Shut it down...immediately. 

In person. 

You have to let an imp know that you see them. 

No one gets to pop in, wreak havoc, sail off, and think you're going to clean up the mess." 

~A.N., Caregiver, 3 years

"Excusing untenable words and behavior and humoring people is not loving them. Tell the truth. 

If the thread that's binding your relationship is the inability, or unwillingness to speak truth, you may as well cut it. 

Just because a person is ailing doesn't mean they're no longer an adult capable of facing the truth. 

You're not helping yourself being deceitful. 

Sometimes, you just have to extract the sugar from your speech. 

Some people have never been corrected; they've never been told "You're wrong"; they've never been told to mind their manners or tone; they've never been called out for their behavior. 

They go through life, and no one says a word because there has either been a payoff, excuses have been accepted as fact, or everyone is intimidated--or just too tired to bother. 

There isn't always a sweet or nice way to clear the air. 

Reconciliation is the goal, but some people need to be shown the door, if changing their divisive behavior isn't something they're in favor of. Someone has to stand up and say "Enough" and expose the crap that's been stinking up a situation, and inform said crap that it is not going to be allowed to continue to do so. 
If the relationship remains after the truth is told, it's solid. 
Who do you think you are telling the truth? 

Someone who cares. 

That's who you are." 

~R.T., Caregiver 10 years

"Where do all the advisors and supervisors come from? 

You always know when there's been conversation about you, and conclusions drawn, and plans and decisions made. 

Watch how appalled people become when all that's needed is your consent, but you don't give it. 

They were so sure you'd fold, because they're so used to having their way. 

It's funny how Every Now and Then always thinks it can school, and steamroll over Every Day. 

Those who expect you to be the pushover you've always been, will never like the new, improved, confrontational you. 

You never had an interest in being at the table before. Now, you'd better assume your rightful place, and speak for yourself. It's an exponentially greater experience when facts and truth are on your side." 

~P.M., Caregiver 6 months

"Documentation is a wonderful thing. Perhaps you don't think you should have to keep a record of your experience, and those who impact it, but smart phones were invented for such a time as this." ~G.H.,Caregiver 1 year

"Don't you just love it when the phone rings, and it's someone telling you what they heard, or what somebody said, and what they think you ought to do? "If I were you..." 

Well, you're not me. 

You're not here. 

Shut the hell up. 

Nobody told me about the busybodies! 

It's a good thing you can't punch someone in the mouth through the phone." 

~K.J., Caregiver 9 months

"Listen to your body. Acknowledge when it's time to take a break. You are not a machine--and even they require maintenance. 

Note those people who have an issue with you taking care of yourself; who seem to have an attitude if it looks like you're having an inkling of fun; who act like the apocalypse is occurring if you step out for a second. They're usually the ones who wouldn't do what you do if they were paid to." 

~O.L.,Caregiver 8 months

"When your loved one is vulnerable, you have to be vigilant. 

Some people are genuinely helpful. God bless them. Some are scheming and fuming because they can't make a long-distance call, kiss up, spin a sob story, and get their bills paid courtesy of an old person's pension anymore. God help them." 

~F.D.,Caregiver 5 months

"Don't compromise. Speak up. 

Are your actions right and just? 

Has there been progress with regard to the principal thing? 

Are your efforts making things better for those who matter?
Never mind if they never acknowledge it, are they better?  

If they are, don't even pretend to tolerate, excuse, or be silent about anything that undermines the situation. 

No one gets to commence deliberately undoing the work you've done and the routines, and order you've established. 
Everything changes when the life of the party gets sick. 

The partygoers think its business as usual, but you have to let them know in no uncertain terms, that the bar is closed. 

Dare the do-nothings in your life to say one word about the boundaries you set. 

I have no problem hurting inconsiderate people's feelings. Feelings don't scrub toilets, manage meds, arrange transportation, or prepare meals. 

You have two people in mind. 

Two priorities. Yourself and the person you serve. 

Everybody else is on their own, and if that gets anyone's underwear in a bunch, too bad." 

~S.R.,Caregiver 7 years

CHOICES

Dishonesty will make you sink

Make choices that will cause you grief

You cared about what others think

Now you come to me for relief?

You want to talk your troubles out

On empathy, you make demands

It's funny how you seek me out

And praise how much I understand

You said there was too much of me

I'd be fine if I'd lose a few

Me--Miss Congeniality

A friend; not good enough for you

You thought the superficial one

Would up your cred among your friends

How fitting you're in Hell at home

Those issues never seem to end

Don't look back now. You made your bed

The time I wasted makes me weep

You had me once, but now that's dead

 I vet the company I keep

Your protest is a bit too late

Am I supposed to be impressed?

Was there ever real loyalty

Were your words all spoken in jest?

I've no opinion of the way

You look for chances to be gone

Explain again, now, why you stay?

Excuses just go on and on

I don't care that you're suffering

No thought of that before you tried

To boast, your picture perfect life

Would make your deepest needs subside

My shoulder's long since been retired

It's not available to you

Being sad, and trapped, and mired?

Results of what you chose to do

Don't look back, now. You made your bed

The time I wasted makes me weep

You had me once, but now that's dead

You chose the company you keep

You chose

You're sorry for your choice

You chose

You wanna hear my voice?

You chose

Take your choice somewhere else!

You chose

And now, I choose myself

You chose

Yes, it hurt a while

You chose

Somehow, I have my smile

You chose

Get on back over there

My heart won’t trust you anywhere

vrw ©2016