QUARANTINE LIFE : MONDAY THOUGHTS

I saw a recent post, by a renowned artist, in which he addressed a flier that advertised his participation in an upcoming concert. He knew nothing about it, but there was his face and name—front and center. I also read that the executive who recently fired a popular, high-profile broadcast journalist, has been fired. Those unrelated cases give us all something to think about as we navigate our own circumstances—our perceived importance in them, and the need to speak up so that others are not deceived or misinformed.

Attempts have been made since the beginning of time to tarnish the reputations of, or erase the presence and contributions of good people. If people are expecting you to show up, and you don’t, guess who gets the blame? If you did your job well, and made any kind of positive impact, you will be missed when you’re gone— no matter what the reason. Comparisons will be made between you and those who follow, although they may be biased or unfair. All it takes is one eagle-eyed, inquiring (or messy) person to ask where you are. “What happened to you? Why aren’t you at your usual desk or post?” If certain people don’t see you where they think you should be, they’re going to wonder who’s responsible. If what’s in your stead doesn’t measure up, it just leads to greater curiosity as to why you’re gone, and more fervent calls to bring you back. Some will be bold enough to seek you out to get the tea concerning your absence—even if it’s not the least bit hot, nor scandalous.

I’ve never been aggressive or competitive. That can, unfortunately, translate as passivity and naïveté. Speaking up when you’ve usually been quiet, can rattle, surprise, and even anger people who thought they had you in their back pockets. There will always be those who feel they have to remind you who’s in charge.

I always noticed when attempts were made to further humble or control me, or pit me against others. When you don’t fall in line, people will brand you everything from ditzy to difficult. 

People who are being controlled, need some way to boost their self-worth. If they’re under the thumb of, or beholden to someone else, they need power and minions of their own. Possessive, mini-dictators strip all of the enjoyment out of a thing. They create stress and make trust, respect, and morale, in a working environment, slowly erode. They will also show you whether fairness, consideration, integrity, and discernment are operating in your own heart. You have to determine that you don’t want anything that badly—not a position, title, job, or relationship—that you become ruthless, cowardly, or insensitive. What goes around really does come around. 

Desperation, ambition, a need for attention, immaturity, and unchecked jealousy will make you overlook how others are being treated. You’ve got to pay attention to the climate you’re in, and if you’re going to remain, be very aware of, and honest about the people you’re dealing with—and whether you can hang without becoming what you never intended to be. You are not exempt in circumstances where personnel is subject to change on a whim. If the infamous “they” will unceremoniously boot “them”, what makes you think your turn isn’t coming? 

Be leery of people who are always announcing how special or great you are, and making promises one day, but snubbing you the next. Compliments are lovely, but when you can clearly see that the accolades you’re given, your elevation, promotion, or position have been, and are repeatedly at the expense of, or to spite or manipulate others, you may want to keep your bags packed. 

Neither you, nor your livelihood are pawns to be toyed with.

Too often, silence and playing dumb are the responses to obvious wrongdoing. Maybe people will get over it, (whatever it is) and chalk up the way they’ve been mistreated to the nature of a particular business. Maybe they won’t be hurt by the inaction or complicity of those they thought would speak up for them. But when tables turn, as they usually do, it stings, and sympathy is in short supply.

I’ve often been recommended for opportunities, but passed them on to someone else who I thought was more competent or deserving. When I did accept, though, I knew a recommendation meant that two reputations were on the line. I had to do well, be cooperative, focus on the principal thing, and not make a liar out of the person who thought so highly of me, or my ability. No matter how good you are at what you do, though, you can’t get comfortable. There’s always someone waiting in the wings.

Through the years, I’ve been a part of some wonderful musical stuff that I wasn’t even looking for, amongst people who could only be categorized as stars, but I’ve never pursued their paths. I don’t exactly possess what others call “hustle”. I just like what I do, was always glad to assist with whatever skills I could bring to the table, but never saw any of it as a career. It just turned into one, full of comfy supporting roles. The business of it all, however, was never appealing. Frankly, it was a bit scary and cutthroat at times. It was the work, the people, and the product as a result of the work, that I appreciated most. A whole lot of extra that had absolutely nothing to do with the execution of the principal thing, tended to rub me the wrong way.

The confidence of others, frankly, has been life changing. I never, however, took any of it for granted. The day you see yourself as indispensable, or get too familiar, is a sad day. You have to know if you’re close because it’s true, not because it’s convenient, or due to your proximity to someone else. People will switch up on you in a heartbeat. If all of your eggs are in one basket, it’s best to keep that basket close to the ground, and extremely insulated. Unexpected change, or sudden movement present a problem if you’re not prepared. You’ve got to be able to pivot, and keep it moving. Your security, and even sanity depends on it. There’s nothing like a pandemic to drive that point home.

You have to loosen your grip on some things. The rope burns from hanging on for too long, or from people trying to snatch stuff away from you, can hurt equally, and take a long time to heal.

Sometimes—whether it’s information or resources— you don’t have what you could have because you don’t ask, have been discouraged from asking, ask the wrong person, or don’t know who to ask. You can wallow in uncertainty, or you can dust yourself off and get back in the game— but this time you establish the rules of play. You can’t be afraid of “never mind”, or “no”. 

You know yourself, but you can’t help, or change how others see you, or why they suddenly change toward you. It may not be because of anything you’ve said or done. Maybe it’s personal. Maybe it’s business. You may never get an explanation. But try not to have too many conversations without the benefit of another point of view. Get out of your head. Although your estimation may seem accurate, you may be wrong.

It’s been an interesting few years of inquiries. Many had a hard time with the reordering of others’ priorities, establishment of standards, and new, non-negotiable requirements. While some were feverishly trying to pick up where they left off prior to March 2020, make things happen, forget about Covid, include you in their plans, and demand that you come outside to play, others were taking the time to reevaluate everything. Many endeavored to cut ties with the slick and shady, explore safer, innovative, and reasonable ways to carry on, and recognize that some pre-pandemic expectations, rules, rates, practices, and offers weren’t going to work anymore. 

When people know they can no longer count on you to just go along to get along, they have to concoct an explanation for your absence. Without even asking, they decide you’re too busy, out of reach, are disinterested, have too much, are independently wealthy, or don’t need help, are no longer useful, or have had enough. They think it’s their duty to purge you from certain arenas, platforms, communities, or positions. Fortunately, there are those who’ve been anxious to engage. They have long wanted to collaborate, but someone was always blocking. They can’t believe you said “yes” to them, actually make time for them, and welcome you to join them in their legitimate endeavors. 

You have to make it clear: If anyone wants to know what you like to, will, won’t, can, or can’t do right now, today, in these sorta-kinda post-pandemic streets, you’re the only person to ask. Asking anyone else, other than you about your availability, interest, itinerary, or schedule will yield a poorly motivated, erroneous answer.

Perceptions are tricky things. Abandoning them for reality can be quite educational.

Depending on your resume, it may appear that you’re booked, busy, distant, or in the recent words of an old friend, “too big” for certain places and spaces. But is that the truth? There are people you don’t, or won’t ever get direct access to, and for good reason. They’ve reached a plateau that demands strict boundaries. You won’t ever see them browsing at CVS. They have “people” for that.

Inquiring minds thought I had “people”, too. It was because a few unauthorized representatives made them think that was the case. You have to know who’s out here claiming you, obligating you, and telling other people that they can’t speak to, or hire you! 

Truth is, I have no agent, negotiator, representation, posse, nor clique. Maybe that’s not feasible for some, but that’s been my reality for…well…a long time— except for a brief period in 2002 (when I had a manager whose high-profile client roster understandably left scant time for me).

By the way, if you do have others running interference for you, choose your representative(s) wisely. Make sure it’s someone who actually has the wherewithal to make you a priority, knows your worth, attends to your interests, respects, and genuinely cares for you, and isn’t just busy, but handles business well and with integrity. Someone who undervalues you, plays games, is controlling or narcissistic, makes you appear arrogant, elusive, or inept, rides on your coattails, gossips, isn’t discreet, drops balls, won’t return calls, has an abysmal reputation, and merely sees you as their cash cow, won’t cut it.

I’ve been a part of a beloved group for many years, that I prioritized, and to which I’ve chosen to be loyal, but I’m not obligated to anyone’s team, in anyone’s stable, nor signed to anyone’s company or organization. I don’t need to check with anyone before I make a decision about what I do, or where I go. I’m not anyone’s artist or property. I work with whoever I choose. You need never utter the words, “Oh, I was going to ask you, but so-and-so said you probably weren’t available”. I’d surely look puzzled, and ask, “What did you ask THEM for?”

On countless occasions, over the years, I’ve happily worked with, been associated with, and followed the direction of numerous people, but I’m not exclusively nor legally bound to anyone. I’m not “on lock”. If you ever hear “She only works with so-and-so. You have to go through them”, understand that it’s a big, fat lie. If you hear, “Oh don’t ask her. She won’t do it”, ask yourself why it was said, consider who said it, and how they could be so confident. I’m kind of like Pinocchio— not the lying or wooden part, you understand, but the “no strings” part. I’ve got no strings.

It is a little unnerving to learn that anyone HAS been, or is currently speaking for, or making decisions for me when I haven’t authorized anyone—whether they know me well or not—to do that. It does make some things make sense, though. Actually, it’s kind of funny— until you find out how long it’s been going on.

On one job, someone who wasn’t even the person who sought me for the position, sidled up to me and said, “If I didn’t want you to be here, you wouldn’t be.” I could see where they thought their role was more important than mine, but the arrogance was staggering. You have to know whether you owe people a debt of gratitude, or you should run as far away from them as you can. I made a mental note: “This individual is not a friend, and is doing you no favors. Do your best, but don’t get comfortable”.

It’s amazing the power that people think they have in God’s great big world concerning you. There really are people who believe that if you’re not in their camps, you’re not doing anything relevant— or at all. 

(I suddenly feel it’s a good time to mention how important it is to be careful how you treat others. You might see, or need them again, and have to pray that they’re more gracious and forgiving than you are.)

But I digress…

I’m grateful for those who’ve had my back when my name came up for consideration in rooms I didn’t even know about. I’m disappointed but not surprised to now know who the detractors, critics, and naysayers have been, (and still are). Yes. There are people who will literally ask why and how you got the job instead of them. It’s usually those who’ve coveted your place, and smiled in your face the most. It’s odd, though. Once people are securely in positions they think they’ve taken from you, or deprived you of, they still don’t seem to be very happy or secure. Maybe it’s because they underestimated the amount of work to be done. Maybe their consciences are eating them up because you’d always been kind or helpful to them. Maybe it because, even when you’re nowhere in the vicinity, and off somewhere minding your business, they’re still thinking about, or checking for you. People who think they’ve taken something from you, need you to see them with it. They’re hoping you care. They need to pull you back into things you’re no longer a part of. What they fail to understand is that you know what they have, and all of the work that goes along with it. You’ve experienced it. Still, they need you to acknowledge their perceived win, or coup. They also think that social media is the manifestation of the proverbial table that is set before their enemies, so they mass-tag people in stuff they have nothing to do with, hoping their news and movements will somehow show up on your timeline. There will always be a busybody who takes the bait. “Did you see what so-and-so posted?”  A picture may well be worth a thousand words, but when you know the truth, it becomes even sadder how many people are secretly regretting, and aren’t really enjoying their acquisitions, opportunities or accomplishments. They’re more consumed with convincing others of how prosperous, productive, and happy they are, but even they know that no sane person wants the mess and stress they have on their hands. Trying to impress people who don’t care, takes precious time and energy away from the thing for which they worked (and schemed) so hard. God forbid everyone find out that their so-called blessing or good fortune is actually kicking their butt.

How you acquired a thing really does matter, and if nefarious motives or questionable actions were involved, I can see how that could make someone delusional, defensive, paranoid, and desperate to control the narrative. 

The past few years have been filled with choices. I’m the first to admit that I’ve been among the Covid conscientious. The things I’ve declined in the past few years would have been no-brainers in 2019, but saying “no” has never been easier. Although the Canadian wildfires rendered the atmosphere cloudy, it does seem like (for me, anyway), it’s safe to slowly re-emerge.

It was interesting to hear that I wasn’t singing anymore, and just focusing on my Art. I guess when people don’t see you, they make assumptions, and even report them as facts. Unless I was dreaming, I haven’t been missing in action. I didn’t disappear. We were in a whole, deadly, global pandemic that I didn’t think was prudent to ignore. Singing wasn’t exactly the safest thing to do, but to conclude (and spread) that I’m not doing it anymore because I declined an invitation during the height of the pandemic, is kind of…well…evil. But I do understand how some people operate. That need to punish, badmouth, and ostracize others for not being compliant—even in a pandemic—is a beast.

I enjoyed the opportunities I’ve had in the past year or so. It was refreshing to sing again. My “yes” to one thing, however, meant saying “no” to something else. That’s where a sistah needed to don the business cap she’s been so reluctant to wear, and keep it on. You learn a lot of lessons when things are postponed or canceled, and there was a lot of that going on as people thought they could control, pray away, or neutralize Covid-19 on the day or week of their events, as if Miss Rona was just cooperative like that. 

Maybe the smartest lesson is, get things in writing— and a deposit. Another is, never bank on an unsure payday. Maybe the most obvious lesson is that you could have been doing something else— even if that something was nothing.

Perhaps it’s time for a lot of us, especially creatives, to be more deliberate, make a pandemic exit plan, tag along and stow away less, and captain our own ships more. You know what you want. You’ve probably been thinking about it for years. Handle your business. Be clear about your relationships. You don’t have to answer everything, or walk around in a defensive mode; and perhaps you’ll never know the “why” of some things, but speak up when you need to. Some things may require clarification or correction, while others need to be stopped altogether. If you don’t establish your own parameters, someone else will. Tell your own story, set things straight when necessary, and you don’t have to turn into a monster to do it. 

Sometimes, though, even when things are hurtful or unfair, you don’t have to say anything at all. No need to gloat. Just watch and wait—like that journalist did.

I guess it’s easy to make assumptions when you see things, and even easier when you’ve been fed a narrative about who people are, or how things are supposed to go. Don’t be blindsided. Nothing is a given. You can only be truly comfortable and secure when the table at which you sit is yours.