The strange preoccupation with what they rallied against, seemed counterproductive and suspect. They picked out a handful of sins and decided those would be the focus of their new organization. Too bad they overlooked their own haughtiness.
I wondered at what point were they hurt. What shaped their thinking? There was a story they weren't telling, that if they ever did, it would free them, produce the closure they needed, and rid them of their need to feel superior to others in intellect and spirituality. They were gossipy, too. It wasn't a good look for this self-appointed branch of the talented tenth.
Any empathy they had ,was hidden under rigidity and self-righteousness. The self-hate and insecurity was obvious, as it is in all people who, perhaps from childhood, struggle with the skin they're in, and have been conditioned to see blackness as a liability, whiteness as superior, and proximity to whiteness as a life goal.
I had no desire to sign on as a regular when the offer was made. I don't know what made them think I agreed with their philosophies. They wanted Black excellence named among their ranks. They wanted to be able to pad their club and give it credibility and normalcy, but they wanted compliance and loyalty, too. Perhaps the more Black folk who signed on, the less they’d be seen as the Gitlow Judson’s, Uncle Ruckus’s and Uncle Tom’s they argued they were not.
I've never liked bullies. It didn't matter how kindly they treated me initially. I was always noticing how poorly they treated others—like servants; peons—and couldn't help but wonder how long it would be before my turn came. Maybe they thought I'd convert once they secured my consent. There was nothing about the situation other than the music that was appealing to me, so being an occasional guest was just fine.
It was assumed that I would be "helping" on a regular basis, and an announcement was even made, but I never agreed to that at all. Some people have become so accustomed to hearing "yes" all the time from people who worship them, that they refuse to hear “no”. I wasn't interested in becoming a flunkie, nor was I prepared to have to always explain why I was even there, considering the bizarre politics. I love Jesus, and if anyone thinks he wasn't political, they don't really know him, but even he wouldn't have been crazy about these modern day Pharisees. There were too many oppressive conditions; too many conversations that felt like interrogations. It would have been a purely financial move to get on board.
I refused to expose, sever ties with, or denounce people with whom they had issues, and that didn’t sit too well with them. In cult- like fashion, a few people who had signed on, suddenly distanced themselves when they realized I wouldn't be doing so. I wondered if not dealing with me and my non-koolaid-drinking self was a condition of their participation.
Although their sudden coldness saddened me for a while, I knew I wasn't interested in being obligated, or possessed. I saw power and ambition, and a desire to study, mimic, and possess the spiritual authenticity of others, but no real heart for leading people— just manipulating and dominating them on the road to fulfilling their own political ambitions.
There was dueling curiosity and disgust for those who were effective in ministry by virtue of their anointing. They tried to covet, bottle, and program that, too. Their attempts at moving the hearts and emotions of people were weak, performative, and wholly contrived. They usurped the term “charismatic”, but it was far from that. They wanted to project megachurch vibes in half-empty rooms. They needed the very Black culture they rejected, and the talent they lacked as a facade. Funny, but you’d think they would wake up and remember they were Black, too, and possessed the very things they were looking for. Somewhere, though, they’d laid down their rhythm, traded their souls, and pointed their negroid noses skyward.
Just as I suspected, when I wouldn't comply, they sought a friend of mine to do the job. Perhaps the intention was to make me feel I'd declined a great opportunity, and come running back. Perhaps the plan was to fill me with regret, but it amused me instead. It’s true. When people can’t control you, they go after those close to you, and try to damage your relationships. The move was right out of a narcissist’s playbook. When my very staunchly democratic friend phoned me and inquired what she should do, my advice was "You know who you are, and what your political leanings are. You may get labeled, but if you can stomach it, go get that check. Who knows? You may be able to free someone.”
Politics, desperation, personal ambition, and lack of integrity had changed the face and spirit of a once thriving organization. It had become uptight, exclusive, and in denial. The new emphasis had sent countless people scurrying to the safety and freedom of other organizations where the word of God was paramount, as opposed to weekly conservative talking points. People wanted to worship God, not be programmed and radicalized. Leadership, unfortunately, was in too deep to turn around.
Maybe, when the pandemic is over, it will revert to what it once was--a welcoming, happy, healing place. One day, people are going to realize how futile and damaging it is to label and hijack God, and expect him to fit their self-serving agendas.
Unless a miracle, luck, or grace come to the rescue, some things are supposed to happen. They may be tragic, but it would be a hypocritical stretch to call them accidental, unexpected, or shocking. It would be cruel to say out loud the "I told you so" that's on repeat in your head. After all, too many people, who feel no need to be polite, have said it already. There's no need to pile on.
"Stunned", "shocked", and "surprised" are terms reserved for accidents and uncontrollable circumstances, NOT easily foreseeable consequences that are a result of arrogance, stupidity, or willful ignorance. The tragedy of some situations is the revelation that common sense isn't as common as you imagined, and some people aren't as wise, elite, or intelligent as they pretended to be. Their gambling isn't faith. Their selfishness isn’t sacrifice. Their ambition isn’t impressive. How, then, are they leading others? Are those who follow merely equally ambitious opportunists?
With the higher education, extensive resume, power, and experience that some people possess, in addition to their penchant to judge, correct, advise, and critique everyone else who isn't like them, you'd think they wouldn't be so careless about their own well-being.
Sometimes it's not negative or fatal consequences that are hard to believe, it's the actions that produced them----actions that leave people scratching their heads, and fighting secondary judgment and embarrassment; actions that leave loyal friends and associates scrambling to save face, get ahead of the story, hide the obvious truth, and execute damage control.
You have to beware jumping on bandwagons. You have to check your own motives, and not be so pressed to be different or great that you align yourself with evil. You have to know whether people are respecting or tolerating you; whether they're using you as a prop, or a token; whether they care if you're present, value your input, or would even miss or acknowledge you when you're gone.
You have to ask yourself why it's so important for you to be in certain places, or in the company of certain people. You may want to be "in the room where it happens", or at the table where the deals are made, but you go at your own peril if you go with blinders on concerning the integrity of the company you desire to keep. You go into knowingly corrupt situations with a warning that your good name, self-respect, credibility, reputation, and legacy will be on the line. YOU will change before those committed to criminality will. Hang around long enough, and your common sense will be the first thing to go.
Some things are beneath your dignity, even though they may occur in important places. Some people aren't worth your time, even though they have important titles. You don't have to be everywhere. The grass may appear to be greener over there, but the people milling around on it may be highly contagious and corrupt. You may think you're supposed to travel in certain circles, but the atmosphere is not conducive to your sensibilities. What happens when what's required for you to survive is not authentic, healthy, or feasible? Sometimes, where you're laboring is good enough. That place and those people need your attention. Bigger is not always better. Every alliance is not a wise one.
People are suffering and need answers, direction, truth, hope, and wisdom, not ignorant, fantasy-based, politically-tinged manipulation from egotistical cult leaders pretending to push the cause of Christ as they clamor for seats at important tables.
You can't help heal the racial divide, or anything else involving humanity if you don't understand or like yourself. Why do seemingly intelligent people run headlong into situations that are diametrically opposed to their own interests? Why want so desperately to be in rooms where you are hated? Why volunteer to be the clown?
Sometimes people are too smart for their own good, and tell themselves stories they don't even believe. It's time for people who are actually successful to stop hitching their respectable, sane wagons to criminal ones. A person can't possibly think they're representing or honoring God by idolizing someone who openly disparages, and regularly harms, and oppresses others to whom God offers His love.
When will people learn? A leader who forgets that he or she, too, is in need of a savior, is on a slippery, self-absorbed slope. Greed and unchecked insecurity can never camouflage itself; neither can self loathing. One is either going to look to Christ as Lord, or seek the approval of men whose wealth neither insulates, exempts, nor promotes them.
Many are being very polite, tight lipped, not completely sympathetic, but declining to state the obvious. Right now, some opportunistic collar-wearing pimp is eyeballing the latest vacancy, ignoring the pattern, and itching to be the next Black cult casualty.
What a shame.
How many more well-meaning individuals will have legacies forever tied to a narcissistic sociopath? The grift will always be the headline when their stories are told, dwarfing, and even erasing all of their noteworthy accomplishments.
Why carelessly align oneself with a fool, and then expect (or demand) others to ignore, understand, or excuse the obvious foolishness? What a pity to live one's whole life in respectability, only to die and be ignored by the people whose boots you licked. The sarcastic choruses of "It is what it is" are deafening.
What a tragedy to become the butt of jokes told by those you fought against. What irony to be survived by those you blackballed, cursed, and damned. They will enthusiastically control the narrative, and it won't be kind.
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