GRATEFUL

It's been a long week. The importance of taking one step at a time has never been more clear.

The simple, seemingly mundane or insignificant things are not to be taken for granted--ever.

Grace isn't always a given, nor is it always deserved. When it's given, appreciate it.

It costs nothing to be kind, polite and appreciative. Being difficult, combative, and uncooperative takes work. The energy used fighting against those who are in your corner could be better used to reach goals that are in your best interest.

Even if others don't get it, don't find yourself bogged down in nonsense or attempts to get people to understand or support what they can't or won't. Stay focused. 

If you must fight, do it righteously. Fight for what you believe in. You'll be surprised that there are others who will fight with and for you. You're not alone.

Thank God for small victories. They pave the way to great ones. Look back. You'll see.

There's a testimony on the way. I can feel it.

CAREGIVER DIARIES: HOPEFUL

For the past several months, the days have been long. When I come home, I usually sit up late and watch something funny on TV before going to bed. Last night, I decided to turn in early. I got my laptop, opened my favorite accessory, "paint" and just started doodling. It was very relaxing. The good news I'd heard after weeks of waiting, was like water. I'm more convinced now more than ever that prayer works.

God sees you, caregivers. Your efforts are, and were not in vain. Silence the noise. 

Speak up when you must. 

Don't allow yourself to be underestimated. 

Fight. 

Do what you can. 

Don't take "no" when you know a "yes" is available. 

Stick with what works. 

Embrace those who bring you comfort and good vibes. 

Stay focused.
You can't always get what you want, but when you do...
#happydance

WEDNESDAY THOUGHTS: CONFRONTATION

You refuse to engage the notorious gossip in your workplace, unless it is necessary. 

You learn, over time, that this individual is arrogant, a bigot, judgmental, argumentative, divisive, has a perverted view of friendship, is a right-fighter, and prefers the company of "yes" men. Dissenting opinions about anything infuriate them. 

Their motto is "My way or the highway", but they are perplexed by the traffic jams their words and behavior have always caused.

At first, you thought their issue was with you, alone. 

They always glared at you as if you stank; always had something sarcastic to say; always questioned your competence and integrity, and sought to ridicule you in the face of others. 

They seemed to delight in making you look bad. 

You'd been warned, and had heard with your own ears the things they'd said about you. You knew well of the accusations and criticisms they'd leveled against you. You used to wonder why they seemed to disapprove of you, and seek to make you feel insecure. 

There was a time when you used to have great respect for them, which motivated you to break your neck trying to gain their approval, and fix whatever it was about yourself that they didn't like. 

You learned how futile an exercise that could be. 

You don't do that anymore, and you're mad at yourself for even trying. 

You learned that the individual is an equal opportunity breaker of spirits. It's not just you they have a problem with. It's everybody.

Your decision to deal with them in as small doses as possible, begins to bother them. They see you engaged in healthy, positive, cheerful, even lengthy conversation with others, and are puzzled about why you keep your answers short, polite, and concise when dealing with them. If only they could see how they exasperate even the most patient and compassionate people in their lives. 

One day they approach you, and instead of the profuse apology they owe, (that you have long since resigned never to get), they sheepishly ask, "Are you MAD at me?". 

 You want to laugh, so you do. 

Your laughter angers them. 

It's the first sign that they aren't totally clueless to the inappropriateness of their behavior toward you and others. 

The fact that they could fix their lips to ask if you're mad, is comical. They ought to know if you are, because they've done and said enough to make you so--if you chose to be. 

The dossier of things they have said and done to justify your madness, is extensive. 

You abandon your own rule, break your silence, and explain that
1. their antagonistic attitude and penchant for tearing people down, and 
2. their inability or unwillingness to keep their own business to themselves, let alone yours, (or that of anyone else)
are the reasons why you are always and deliberately mum in their presence.

 
You reply, "Mad. No. That would be as pointless as taking issue with a blind person for not being able to see. Mad? No. I'm not mad. Wiser and more cautious in my dealings with you? Absolutely. 

I've come to the conclusion that you don't KNOW any better, nor do you want to DO better. In your self righteousness, you have given yourself permission to disregard how you treat, and talk to, and about others. You see nothing wrong with throwing rocks and hiding your hands. Pitting people against each other, fracturing their relationships, sowing suspicion and doubt, and murdering their reputations with your words, is, I've learned, what you do."

They are shocked, and actually ask you to cite some of the things they've said as if they've suffered a bout of amnesia. 

You oblige--with a list you've been rehearsing for such a time as this. After all, they did ask. 

Of course, they deny it all, don't remember, or try to guess what traitor spilled the beans. Yes. They demand loyalty and discretion from everyone, but that same loyalty and discretion does not apply to them. They own nothing.  

Not to your surprise, they're angry now, and are farther away from apologizing to you than they ever were. You weren't supposed to see through them. All they care about now is who told you what they said. Their remorse for saying it, however, is non-existent.  

You tell them if they want to know the identity of the loose-lipped individual, they have only to look into a mirror. 

You realize you are embracing confrontation and, frankly it is not the terrifying concept you thought it was. 

You're engaging. 

You figure you might as well unburden yourself and, as calmly as possible, say everything you've been suppressing. 

You realize you may not get the opportunity again.

 

It's not going the way they wanted, but they think they have you hooked, and now have an opening to shut you up so they can regulate the conversation, defend themselves, throw others under the bus, justify their indiscretion, and tell you everything you weren't interested in hearing in the first place. 

You decide that's not gonna happen right about the time they ask, "Are you finished? I listened to you talk, now you have to listen to what I have to say". 

They're still not owning their role in the disappearance of good people in their lives. They want to argue. 

It's the only way they can engage others since they have so successfully alienated so many people.

 
You take a deep breath and say, "If you don't want to hear my answer in its entirety, don't ask me a question. If you don't respect my right to my opinion let alone my truth, don't ask me anything. You don't want conversation, you want consent. You want an audience. You want power, respect, and admiration, but the way you seek it is the fastest way to repel it. You seek information so that you can lord it over people, embellish it, and spread it without any regard for the consequences. You should ask yourself why anyone would want to talk to you. Why would anyone want to engage someone who has proven to be disloyal, manipulative, tactless, and dismissive? You gossip entirely too much. I don't like it. THAT'S why I don't talk to you." 

They are silent. They've never been checked or corrected before. 

No one has had the willingness or energy to do it. 

They don't know what to say, other than to craft a weak insult. 

You deflect it. It's hard for them to process that they are their own problem, and that you are no longer invested in humoring, accepting, or excusing their behavior.

You close with what your grandmother told you: 
"A dog that will bring a bone will carry one." 
"If you don't want it repeated, keep your mouth shut.  
"Be careful how you treat people. You never know who's going to have to give you your last drink of water."

You walk away leaving them with much to think about, hoping that it will facilitate positive change, but with some people, the truth only serves to ratchet up, by several notches, the mean spirit they've always possessed and nurtured. 

You decide you're done being affected by it.  

Good for you.

WEDNESDAY THOUGHTS: INCONSISTENCIES

I would think it difficult to walk around with two faces:

one, that arrogantly, and regularly boasts and promises what it's going to do or say, when faced with certain people and situations, and 

another one that cowers, capitulates, schmoozes, grins, shucks, jives, and caves when it's time to speak up, or take a stand. 

You only need one time to watch someone kissing-up to the very people with whom they adamantly said they had no relationship, affinity, or communication, to see the light. 

Going forward, it will inform anything and everything you do or say, where they are concerned. 

Like my grandmother used to say, "Some people you handle with a long-handled spoon".

 

So...There are times you have to reevaluate, and reorder your relationships, speak up, and set boundaries. 

I'm learning that it's not the truth that people have issues with--it's the person who points it out. 

Some would rather embrace a lie and excuse questionable behavior than say, "You know what? I agree with you. 

That didn't make sense"; "That wasn't appropriate"; "That shouldn't have happened";  

"That was wrong".

Pay attention to how quickly people make excuses for one thing, or person, but criticize another. Someone who's always walking the middle isn't always being neutral. Sometimes they're being cowardly and deceptive. 

It's awfully hard to trust, confide in, or be comfortable around people who see wrong, and call it right.

Notice when people are offended by your stance, and are a bit too eager to pounce on, argue with, minimize, silence, or counter it. 

I'm always amused by those who are always asking if something is wrong, as if they're hoping that something is. 

There's a hidden issue with you that they try to hide, but it's glaring. 

My Dad always said, you have to watch those who "just go along to get along". Don't be preoccupied, but note those who don't really like your position, your role, the integrity you possess, or your competence. Make no mistake. They've been itching for a confrontation so they can tell you what they think about you. 

If you say the sky is blue, they'll say it's brown with green polka dots. 

If they thought they could get away with it, they'd erase you altogether. 

Some people have issues with you simply because you will take a stand, and you won't be silenced. 

You have sidestepped their schemes. 

You've deflected their bullying. 

You've survived and thrived in spite of them and their divisiveness, whispering, gossiping, murmuring, and meddling. 

You've accomplished what they were so sure you weren't able to do, that they were unwilling to do. 

You've remained strong and steady at the table where they don't think you belong. 

Your relationships, that they tried to fracture, are still intact and are in fact, stronger. 

You didn't quit so that they could implement their agenda.

You'll know where you stand with people the second you push back or disagree. They will come back at you with all kinds of attitude. They'll look for offense and be ready with a response that makes no sense, or doesn't apply to the situation at hand. They've been storing a response for so long, they won't even hear how loaded it is.

Unfortunate for them, is the fact that you don't respect them enough to care what they have to say. They've already proven themselves lacking in good judgment, faithfulness, consistency, discernment, or authenticity. 

Miss Maya Angelou was right. "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time."

 

Don't abandon or apologize for doing or saying the right thing.  People don't ever have to like you, so don't defer to them, or surrender your standards. Don't be wishy-washy or afraid. 

Someone's well-being could be at stake. 

Loud, busy, manipulative, condescending, and pushy have never been right. 

What's right and reasonable needs no defense--even to people who pretend not to know any better so they can stay on someone's good side, score points, assuage their guilt, save their hides, cover their missteps, or avoid confrontation. 

My mom used to say, "Stand on the side of right-- even if you have to stand by yourself".

#speakup

WEDNESDAY THOUGHTS: THE NUISANCE

I just shook my head at each frantic attempt to get my attention.  She wanted a confrontation--maybe not a combative one, but a confrontation nonetheless. She even bumped me as a group of us were walking out of a store. Although there was no reason for her to be so close to me, and there was plenty of room on the sidewalk, I didn't pay it any mind until she giggled nervously and said, "Excuse me". 

"For what?" I turned and asked. "I bumped into you". "No problem" I said as I continued my conversation. 

It would have been annoying if it hadn't been so sad. Her next ploy was to find a seat near me, and begin loud-talking to a mutual friend. There was much that she wanted everyone within earshot to know, but the chatter and laughter of the conversation I was having with two friends, spared me the details. She kept getting louder, though. 

When my conversation ended, I donned my ear buds. I couldn't have cared less about anything she was rattling on about, but I did care whether I was doing damage to my eardrums. Significant volume was needed to drown her out.

"Take notes", something told me. I try to listen to that voice in my head when it insists there's something to learn-- or another view to consider that I've overlooked. 

"When a person's presence is not necessary for the execution of the principal thing, although they insist on being on the scene, they will often make a nuisance of themselves. They'll announce their presence. "I'm here now!”, as if everyone should prepare to witness some miracle. They will be frustrated that you or others don't acknowledge or consort with them. They'll find a way to infiltrate your space; be distracting; commandeer conversations; parrot you; and give themselves a job. They want the power, importance, and connection of a principal player, but they'll never obtain it. What they bring to the table, though it may be fitting in another arena, it is moot in this space. 

Think about it. You had, and have a job to do. Your absence would be, and would have been felt had you not shown up. It would have facilitated a scramble for a last minute replacement. Her absence wouldn't change the outcome of anything. Since she obviously wants you to see her, though, go ahead and look. Look deeply. Notice the indifference, ridicule, and disrespect she gets--and yet she nervously laughs it off. Her envy is palatable, and if she thought she could slap you and get away with it, she would. She despises your competence, is baffled by your faithfulness, and has been hoping you would fail--or quit. She has been the architect and instigator of a lot of the difficulty you have faced, and is incensed that you're still here. Notice how she perks up and is defensive—and even annoyed—whenever you speak, move, or are acknowledged? Notice how she tries to find some fault, just to have something to contribute. In this space, she is insignificant. She doesn't really want to be here, and the principal thing bores and intimidates her, but you're here. She could care less about the principal thing. She has to keep tabs on you. All that her preening and hovering does, is bring her insecurity to the forefront. She is doing nothing to improve the territory, she is simply marking it. She is constantly giving and making excuses, making wise cracks, self-deprecating comments, taking cheap shots, and tolerating pain. Her carrying on doesn't inspire envy in you, or deserve attention from you--which is her desired outcome. It's almost painful to look, isn't it? Keep looking. If she knew how much you pitied her right now, she'd stop all of that scheming, competing, cackling, busyness, and loud-talking and go somewhere and sit down. A mess isn't it? 

Now, make sure that you never find yourself in her shoes. 
1. Be clear about your motives, choices, and decisions. 
2. Remain faithful and don't surrender your responsibility. 
3. Be realistic about your expectations of others, particularly if they've already shown you who they are. 
4. Always be honest about your relationships. Don't confuse them.
5. Know your lane and stay in it. 
6. Go where you are wanted and celebrated, and celebrate those who celebrate you. 
7. Never dumb down to appease an insecure individual. 
8. Never inject yourself where you aren't needed or effective. 
9. Never inflate your importance to impress anyone. 
10. Recognize and respect boundaries--those of others, as well as your own. Don't pretend you can tolerate what you can't.
11. Never have to guess who your allies are. 
12. Don't think you always have to respond. Although silence is a response, sometimes it's the best thing to embrace. 
13. Not everything or everyone deserves your time or attention.
14. Don't offer information you haven't been asked. No one cares.
15. Being preoccupied with what's going on in the other cars will ensure that you won't enjoy your ride.
16. Don't entertain toxic people no matter who they are. 
17. Stay the course.

SUNDAY THOUGHTS: ACCESS

Knowing and respecting the difference between that to which you have been graciously granted access, and that to which you are entitled, will spare you from hurt feelings, suffering embarrassment, wasting time, exerting unnecessary energy, and incurring great expense.

 
Never make the mistake of assuming that what belongs to someone else--no matter who they are-- is yours to do with what you wish, whenever you want. You can't promise to someone else the use of, or access to what isn't yours. 

Rights and privileges are not the same, and neither are relationships. Your relationship with person A is not a pass to disrespect, overlook, undermine, manipulate, inconvenience, take from, or disregard persons B, C, and D.  

Your relationship with person A, doesn't mean that persons B,C, and D are under any obligation to: 
1. relax the boundaries they have set
2. engage you
3. trust you
4. entertain you
5. respect you
6. share anything with you, or
7. surrender what's theirs to you.

Don't ever confuse yourself about who you are, or think you deserve rights and privileges to anything that isn't yours. 

Don't ever delude yourself about that which you think you should be able to have, utilize, enjoy, occupy, or do. 

Keep your expectations realistic. 

When it comes to what's truly yours, you do have a say about it. You can make all of the demands, declarations, decisions, threats, and assumptions you want about what rightfully belongs to you. 

When it comes to what belongs to someone else, your rights disappear. 

You can say all you want, but no one has to listen or comply.

Access is granted not assumed. 

Access is not a given. 

The granting of access is not transferable, nor is it automatic. 

Access is a gift. 

Abuse, misuse, or get cocky about the access you've been given, and you'll quickly lose the privilege.

Your words, attitudes and behavior--past and present---play a tremendous part in whether you will be happily welcomed, or fiercely rejected. 

Thinking you can, without warning, bully your way into spaces and places where you don't lawfully belong, have no ownership, authority or responsibility, is the height of arrogance and insensitivity.

It matters, and is very telling how you approach people, situations, and how you consider and treat what belongs to others. 

Thinking you can commandeer what's not yours, exposes very ballsy and faulty thinking. 

What you think you ought to be able to do, may not be feasible, fair, reasonable, or right. 

Thinking you can intrude, steamroll, and force people to be bothered with you, or relinquish their rights to accommodate you, may be, at least, part of the reason why they aren't ever exactly thrilled to see you coming.

Want in? Check your attitude. Behave your way in. Try politeness, niceness, respect, manners, and humility. 

Wait to be welcomed. 

Want others to make room for you where you want to be? It may help to lose that sense of entitlement. No one ever has to open the door and expose their healthy, peaceful environments to the covetous, toxic, oppressive, and chaotic spirit that a sense of entitlement empowers.

CAREGIVER DIARIES: VETERANS' DAY

There will be lots of programs today. 

Veterans, and the families of veterans, will be expected to show up for them.

In the case of aging or ailing vets, I wonder if the program committees, and chairpersons consider what the vets yesterdays entailed--or do they even care?

Have they any clue what it's going to take for veterans and families to be present? 

Have they considered what it’s going to take to transport vets to, and from home, or to and from nursing or assisted living facilities? Have those arrangements been made? Are the venues accessible?

What will the veterans come away from the programs with? 

Will they ride home with some hastily ordered, plastic, generic plaque, pin, or trophy, that pales in comparison to the medals they already possess? 

Will they be surrounded by flowers that make them sneeze, or served food they can’t eat?

Will they remember the applause and platitudes of people who never so much as phoned at any time, during the rest of the year,  to see if they needed a ride to an appointment, a haircut, a manicure, a loaf of bread, or just someone to talk to?

Programs....ugh.

You don't get to make extra work for others, or demands of their time, resources, and energy if they don't work for you. Chances are, there’s already a lot on their plates. 

Discerning people know what to expect of caregivers, the ailing, and aged. 

They don't make demands, they try to ease the load. They help. They know what is pressing, critical, and necessary, and what's not. 

If more people knew what a caregiver's day entailed with their caree, they'd stop being so pushy, demanding, insensitive and rude. 

"It's Veterans Day, and we honored him/her, and he/she didn't even show up”, the inconsiderate complain.

"It's Saturday, you jerk. 

He had major surgery twice this week. She had a bad night last night.

I don't recall seeing you at the hospital, or ever for that matter. Forgive me if your tacky program wasn’t exactly a priority.”

Caregivers are the best to decide what goes on their schedules, and where their presence is most needed.

It is always a caregiver's choice to make another person's agenda or program a priority, but what he, or she decides is worthy of attention and time, will always be more important than anything someone else has planned--no matter what or who it's about.

No one gets to decide how much a caregiver cares about, or appreciates their loved one, or client.

The strength of relationships is not based upon what others think, or whether you show up for something someone else threw together, to make a profit, score points, fill time, or make themselves appear to have done something significant.

You don't ever have to help anyone honor someone who you already honor each and every day. 

You don't have to tell anyone anything about the person they want to honor, because they should know all about someone they truly love and appreciate, shouldn't they? 

If they don't, it is an indication of how little time they actually spent with the person. (If one would sit and talk with a veteran, one would be surprised by the wealth of information he or she is willing to share. But, of course, that takes time.)

No one gets to dictate when or where you celebrate anyone. The people you love and honor know it, because it has been consistently demonstrated over time. You have history.

The love and respect is between you and your loved one, and needs no cosigning or stamp of approval from anyone else. 

It's funny how people scramble to make the Kodak moments count. That's what's important to them, but what about every other moment of every other day, when so much is needed? 

What about those midnight hours, when extra hands would have really made a difference in the life of an ailing, aging, or disabled veteran?

Many simply want to be seen. "Look at what I did! Isn't it great?" 

But did it amount to anything? 

Many want to be recognized and complimented for demonstrating appreciation, honor, and respect for others on special days, but that's where their interest, enthusiasm, and efforts stop. They are woefully missing, silent, unwilling, preoccupied, too busy, distant, and strangely indifferent when those special days are over.

Caring is not a game, a production, a gig, or a competition. It’s not temporary or seasonal. 

#veteransday

#caregivers

ALMOST

Yes, sometimes it stings a little

But the reasons aren’t the same

I wouldn’t trade what I’ve been spared

For what I see

Or call the grief I sense by any other name

Other than grief

And thank my lucky stars it didn’t stick to me

Yes, it took a while

But now I find my heart is whole and well

I can’t believe compassion lives

And pity, too

Theirs is a masquerade, as far as I can tell

They try and fail

And it’s a painful thing to view

And though it seems there’s nothing about “almost” to celebrate

“Almost” can be the thing to save your life

Don’t be afraid to take a good long look

You may even start to dance

Apart from “almost”, Honey

You’re doing just fine

The irony is that they know you see through their ploy

But pride is awfully hard to shake

The blind leap they took gives them no place to land

What a mistake

But mercy prevents you from mocking 

Their wounds that never mend

Sparing your feet paths that weren’t yours to take

And though it seems there’s nothing about “almost” to celebrate

“Almost” can be the thing to save your life

Don’t be afraid to take a good long look

Do you see now?

Go on and dance.

Apart from almost, Honey,

You’re doing just fine