WEDNESDAY THOUGHTS: CONFRONTATION

You refuse to engage the notorious gossip in your workplace, unless it is necessary. 

You learn, over time, that this individual is arrogant, a bigot, judgmental, argumentative, divisive, has a perverted view of friendship, is a right-fighter, and prefers the company of "yes" men. Dissenting opinions about anything infuriate them. 

Their motto is "My way or the highway", but they are perplexed by the traffic jams their words and behavior have always caused.

At first, you thought their issue was with you, alone. 

They always glared at you as if you stank; always had something sarcastic to say; always questioned your competence and integrity, and sought to ridicule you in the face of others. 

They seemed to delight in making you look bad. 

You'd been warned, and had heard with your own ears the things they'd said about you. You knew well of the accusations and criticisms they'd leveled against you. You used to wonder why they seemed to disapprove of you, and seek to make you feel insecure. 

There was a time when you used to have great respect for them, which motivated you to break your neck trying to gain their approval, and fix whatever it was about yourself that they didn't like. 

You learned how futile an exercise that could be. 

You don't do that anymore, and you're mad at yourself for even trying. 

You learned that the individual is an equal opportunity breaker of spirits. It's not just you they have a problem with. It's everybody.

Your decision to deal with them in as small doses as possible, begins to bother them. They see you engaged in healthy, positive, cheerful, even lengthy conversation with others, and are puzzled about why you keep your answers short, polite, and concise when dealing with them. If only they could see how they exasperate even the most patient and compassionate people in their lives. 

One day they approach you, and instead of the profuse apology they owe, (that you have long since resigned never to get), they sheepishly ask, "Are you MAD at me?". 

 You want to laugh, so you do. 

Your laughter angers them. 

It's the first sign that they aren't totally clueless to the inappropriateness of their behavior toward you and others. 

The fact that they could fix their lips to ask if you're mad, is comical. They ought to know if you are, because they've done and said enough to make you so--if you chose to be. 

The dossier of things they have said and done to justify your madness, is extensive. 

You abandon your own rule, break your silence, and explain that
1. their antagonistic attitude and penchant for tearing people down, and 
2. their inability or unwillingness to keep their own business to themselves, let alone yours, (or that of anyone else)
are the reasons why you are always and deliberately mum in their presence.

 
You reply, "Mad. No. That would be as pointless as taking issue with a blind person for not being able to see. Mad? No. I'm not mad. Wiser and more cautious in my dealings with you? Absolutely. 

I've come to the conclusion that you don't KNOW any better, nor do you want to DO better. In your self righteousness, you have given yourself permission to disregard how you treat, and talk to, and about others. You see nothing wrong with throwing rocks and hiding your hands. Pitting people against each other, fracturing their relationships, sowing suspicion and doubt, and murdering their reputations with your words, is, I've learned, what you do."

They are shocked, and actually ask you to cite some of the things they've said as if they've suffered a bout of amnesia. 

You oblige--with a list you've been rehearsing for such a time as this. After all, they did ask. 

Of course, they deny it all, don't remember, or try to guess what traitor spilled the beans. Yes. They demand loyalty and discretion from everyone, but that same loyalty and discretion does not apply to them. They own nothing.  

Not to your surprise, they're angry now, and are farther away from apologizing to you than they ever were. You weren't supposed to see through them. All they care about now is who told you what they said. Their remorse for saying it, however, is non-existent.  

You tell them if they want to know the identity of the loose-lipped individual, they have only to look into a mirror. 

You realize you are embracing confrontation and, frankly it is not the terrifying concept you thought it was. 

You're engaging. 

You figure you might as well unburden yourself and, as calmly as possible, say everything you've been suppressing. 

You realize you may not get the opportunity again.

 

It's not going the way they wanted, but they think they have you hooked, and now have an opening to shut you up so they can regulate the conversation, defend themselves, throw others under the bus, justify their indiscretion, and tell you everything you weren't interested in hearing in the first place. 

You decide that's not gonna happen right about the time they ask, "Are you finished? I listened to you talk, now you have to listen to what I have to say". 

They're still not owning their role in the disappearance of good people in their lives. They want to argue. 

It's the only way they can engage others since they have so successfully alienated so many people.

 
You take a deep breath and say, "If you don't want to hear my answer in its entirety, don't ask me a question. If you don't respect my right to my opinion let alone my truth, don't ask me anything. You don't want conversation, you want consent. You want an audience. You want power, respect, and admiration, but the way you seek it is the fastest way to repel it. You seek information so that you can lord it over people, embellish it, and spread it without any regard for the consequences. You should ask yourself why anyone would want to talk to you. Why would anyone want to engage someone who has proven to be disloyal, manipulative, tactless, and dismissive? You gossip entirely too much. I don't like it. THAT'S why I don't talk to you." 

They are silent. They've never been checked or corrected before. 

No one has had the willingness or energy to do it. 

They don't know what to say, other than to craft a weak insult. 

You deflect it. It's hard for them to process that they are their own problem, and that you are no longer invested in humoring, accepting, or excusing their behavior.

You close with what your grandmother told you: 
"A dog that will bring a bone will carry one." 
"If you don't want it repeated, keep your mouth shut.  
"Be careful how you treat people. You never know who's going to have to give you your last drink of water."

You walk away leaving them with much to think about, hoping that it will facilitate positive change, but with some people, the truth only serves to ratchet up, by several notches, the mean spirit they've always possessed and nurtured. 

You decide you're done being affected by it.  

Good for you.