#DEW REFRESHMENT CALL: APPETITE

"Appetite" refers to an instinctive physical desire, especially one for food or drink; Appetite can also refer to a strong wish, urge, or demand.

In 2015, I became a full-time caregiver, after having done so periodically since 2005. 
I remember when I used to feel anxious about preparing meals. You usually have an idea of what you have a strong wish or taste for. You know what you like. However, when it comes to the demands of someone else, things can get tricky, especially when health challenges come into play. Unless you're a server in a restaurant, you don't always have a seemingly unending list of choices to offer that ensures that a diner is satisfied. 
For a while, it seemed like every meal was met with a mixture of disinterest, surprise, disdain, and sarcasm. That can be infuriating and discouraging if you're not careful to remember the reality of your situation, as well as the condition and temperament of the person you're dealing with. Imagine every time you present someone with a plate, you hear an icy:

“Oh. I have some food?”

“What is this? Am I on a diet?”

“Ooh, Lord! That’s a whole lotta stuff on this plate!”

“Wait a minute! What time is it? It's not time to eat yet! We need to work out a schedule!"
"What happened to what I had yesterday?"

“I don’t want that! What else you got?” 

Some encounters could really hurt your feelings-- or make you question your culinary skills--if you didn’t know better! There you are presenting something you thought would be pleasing, appropriate, and satisfying, but the recipient was either unimpressed, in a bad mood, or didn't have an appetite at all.

When the meal was over, I’d always ask, “Did you have enough?” There would always be a “That was good, but...”. I could expect a jab about what I should do “next time” and that would knock the wind out of any previous or subsequent “Thank you”. He’d mutter, “Yeah. I had enough.”   
It would be obvious to me. In spite of his snarky comments or objections, I’d always go back and retrieve dishes that had been picked clean!

As I’d pick up the dishes, and head to the doorway, I’d hear, “That would have been perfect if you had just…”

It wasn't long before I stopped sticking around for the finish. By the time he would get to “just” I would be halfway to the kitchen with the dirty dishes. Sometimes, when you know you’re doing your best, your appetite for digs, criticism, ingratitude, impolite behavior, rudeness, and sarcasm will run out. As a caregiver, you have to encourage yourself, nourish yourself, and most of all, feed your own soul with a dose of what God says about you.

Most times, these days, I get a proper "Thank you" --without embellishment.

Every day, I wake up wondering what I'm going to prepare. "It's good to know how to cook. You might not always feel like eating a sandwich”, my late mother would say. As my dad’s appetite began to fluctuate, change, and sometimes, be non-existent, I felt like I’d run out of ideas. I’d stand in front of the open cabinet and refrigerator wondering what he wouldn’t refuse. Many times he seemed annoyed and acted as if I'd asked an extremely hard question when I'd ask, "Are you hungry?". I learned not to take it personally. Something was happening with his appetite and aging and illness were the culprits. I found that if I rattled off what was available, he’d eventually choose something. Sometimes, he’d say he didn’t want anything at all. I knew that he may not have wanted anything, but he needed something. I knew to always have something nourishing available.

It’s hard trying to make an adult do anything he or she doesn’t want to do, but the way you go about a task, your attitude, and your words can motivate even the most stubborn, critical or indecisive person.

Breakfast was never a big issue, and although he’d say he wasn’t hungry and only wanted coffee, he’d respond to a plate of food as if he’d been on a 40-day fast. He’d abruptly abandoned his beloved Raisin Bran, and I was glad because he turned his attention to my favorite, Special K. He said it was softer. Cereal and fruit were perfect, but one day I was perplexed when I heard him tell someone, “All I had was some cereal”. The caller was proudly telling him what they had eaten. Suddenly, what he had requested for himself was lacking. He would lament as if what the caller had to eat wasn't also available to him for the asking. 

I’d scratch my head and ask myself, “Isn’t what I gave him what he said he wanted?”

The French toast and pancakes I’d made regularly when I arrived in 2015 were suddenly deemed “too heavy” on some days. I’d hear that I was giving him “too much bread”, only to hear the very next day, “When are you gonna make some French toast? I see there’s some bread in there!” 

He’d never, however, turn down a pork sausage sandwich, but I was determined that I wouldn’t be blamed for any sudden rise in his blood pressure.  Oatmeal or grits became regulars. They were easy, quick, filling, and I’d serve it in the deepest bowl he owned. One day, he’d finished the oatmeal and then ate the sliced peaches and pineapple I’d given him. When I went to pick up the empty bowl he asked, “Did you put any sugar in this?” I told him I’d added a pat of butter and a little Carnation milk, but since the sugar bowl was right there in front of him on the table, I figured he’d add it himself. He seemed a little flustered that he’d eaten an entire bowl of sugarless oatmeal, but it proved to him that his tastes didn’t demand the sugar after all.  

His appetite was indeed changing. He used to rave about anything that involved beans, rice and gravy. He used to like tuna with extra mustard. He loved hotdogs, and catfish--fried hard. He would demand gumbo out of the blue, and I made sure to keep the ingredients needed to make even a large bowl of it. I started giving him dessert shortly after dinner so that he wouldn’t crave sweets before bed.  He began leaving any green vegetable on his plate, and complaining that I wasn’t using enough salt. One day he snapped, “I’m tired of eating beans. Maybe tomorrow I can have a salad or something”. I was stunned, but relieved. He’d said he had been tired of trying to chew lettuce and didn’t like tomatoes, so I’d stopped making salads for a while and sneaked greens like kale and spinach into smoothies. I made a mental note of everything he said he liked. I also made a mental note to do like mothers and grandmothers do--stop asking and just plan, cook, plate the food, and serve it.

It’s tricky and even infuriating when what you have to offer is more than sufficient to meet a need, but isn’t what a person wants or craves. They begin longing for what they used to have and enjoy, and it's usually what landed them in the unfortunate situation they’re presently in. You have to decide whether to keep the peace, be the voice of reason, or indulge a person’s wants. You must remember-- what someone else wants or prefers is not about you.

There are so many reasons why a change in anyone’s appetite occurs. Loneliness, depression, a loss of stamina, loss of independence, changing taste buds, stomach problems, side effects from drugs, isolation, a slower metabolism rate due to a sedentary lifestyle, changes in the senses of smell and taste, dental issues, and conditions like lactose intolerance all come into play. The most difficult to navigate, though, is when a person wants something, but simply doesn’t know what that something is.

My grandmother used to say if you’re truly hungry, you’ll eat anything. If you refused what was prepared, you were a hungry little somebody, but you didn’t dare pout or complain, because food was there. You learned how to be grateful, gracious and appreciative. You learned that there was always someone else worse off than you, (usually in Africa), who would be glad to eat what you were turning up your nose at. 

What you need—nourishment—will always eclipse what you want. It’s amazing how so many things lacking in substantial nutrients are so delicious.

Every time mealtime rolls around, I can’t help but think of the account of the children of Israel in the Old Testament book of Numbers. If any group of people should have been extremely grateful it should have been them. They were blessed with God’s very presence, guidance, mercy and grace. He was with them, providing for, protecting and defending them and working amazing miracles, yet they were constantly grumbling, complaining, and looking back. 

The Bible says, “The rabble with them began to crave other food, and again the Israelites started wailing and said, “If only we had meat to eat! We remember the fish we ate in Egypt at no cost—also the cucumbers, melons, leeks, onions and garlic. But now we have lost our appetite; we never see anything but this manna!”

God heard them and told Moses to “Tell the people: ‘Consecrate yourselves in preparation for tomorrow, when you will eat meat. The Lord heard you when you wailed, “If only we had meat to eat! We were better off in Egypt!” Now the Lord will give you meat, and you will eat it. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, ten or twenty days, but for a whole month—until it comes out of your nostrils and you loathe it—because you have rejected the Lord, who is among you, and have wailed before him, saying, “Why did we ever leave Egypt?” 

Our appetites can cause us to murmur, be short-sighted, irritable, and forgetful. They can cause us to fail to see the how blessed we are, long for and indulge in things that simply don’t suit us, and seek out things that would make us sick. 

I hope that we would always discern what’s best for us. I hope that we would never be so consumed with anything frivolous, unhealthy, or dangerous that we forget how God has provided. An appetite is a good thing, but we can’t, like the children of Israel, be so intent to have something that will make us long for days when we were in bondage or confusion. They spoke of meat, but did they forget they had been slaves while they were eating it? They were free people, and in the company of God, feasting off of his perfect meal designed especially for them. All they had to do was receive, consume it, and be satisfied, yet they complained repeatedly.

Let’s be determined that among our strong wishes and urges, is a sense of gratitude, appreciation, and thankfulness to God for all he has done and is doing in our lives. James 4:2-3 warns, “You crave what you do not have. You kill and covet, but are unable to obtain it. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask, and when you do ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may squander it on your pleasures.”  

Let’s never forget God’s promise to supply all of our needs “according to his riches in glory”, not according to our often misguided appetites.  Psalm 37:4 encourages us. “Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Let’s not get that twisted. He’s a holy and responsible God. We want him to give us what it is that he wants us to desire. We want him to tell us what it is that we should crave; what should fill us spiritually, mentally and physically. If we’re listening, he’ll tell us.

In our own lives, we want to be wise enough to know the difference between manna and quail, freedom and bondage. We can know that and so much more when we govern our appetites by the wisdom and principles of God's word.   

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