I truly believe the crisis in caregiving results, in part,
from the misguided, self-serving attitudes of NON-caregivers. No one knows what
goes on behind the closed doors of an ailing or elderly person’s home like a
caregiver does. Caregiving is not a 9 to
5 gig. Far too many people are counting, and complaining about the cost, without
considering the responsibility, or bothering to pitch in. What’s even more disheartening is when the
person being cared for has no clue, forgets, or minimizes what his or her own
care entails, and listens to opportunists who tell them what they don’t need,
shouldn’t have, or can do without.
Many caregivers are unpaid. That is not a complaint that
many caregivers make because they KNEW, when they said “Yes” to the task, that
it would be a labor of love. That caregivers work each day without benefit of
compensation it is a fact, and much like the attitude some people have toward
stay-at-home moms, there’s a prevailing notion that the only things a caregiver
does is sit all day, munching on bon-bons, and watching soap operas. Somehow,
the caregiver is supposed to exist on air and prayer; BE and EXIST in the home
of their loved one; just SIT there. LIVING and thriving, however, are
forbidden.
Honestly, I think people assume there must be a woodland
fairy and some elves on loan from the North Pole, who keep everything
concerning the elderly person together, while the caregiver is chilling. If a
caregiver appears too healthy or refreshed (and God forbid if they GO anywhere
outside of the home), surely they MUST be enriching themselves by way of their
loved one’s resources. It’s AMAZING how people, who do NOTHING to help caregivers, can be so fixated on elderly and ailing
people’s bank accounts, yet FAIL to see that they have in-home medical and
personal needs--morning, noon, and night. In addition, their toilets needs
scrubbing, their furniture needs dusting, their meals need preparing, their
lawn needs mowing, their bulbs need changing, their floors need mopping, their
clothing need cleaning and laundering, their hair and nails need grooming,
their carpets needs vacuuming, their windows need washing, their medicines need
refilling, their groceries need to be ordered, their appointments—and bed—needs
to be made, and they have to get to and from home for doctor’s visits, therapy,
or recreation. That ANYONE would not see the gravity of the situation, and
responsibility required, and make a caregiver’s job more difficult is something
that is positively baffling.
If you have
a caregiving situation in your family and you are doing nothing to contribute
except running your mouth and speculating about what’s going on, SLAP yourself.
Caregivers don’t need supervision, particularly from those
who have proven they care more for the ailing person’s resources than they do
the ailing person, him or herself. If an ailing person has to PAY you to merely
VISIT them; if the only way they’re going to see your face is by financing your
trip, you aren’t helping. There’s another name for that brand of individual,
but I digress…
People all over the world have sacrificed their own earning
power, and drastically altered their lives to come to the aid of a loved one.
Many admire the gesture, and at the same time believe it is what is SUPPOSED to
be done. I am a firm believer that if one CAN do something to help, one SHOULD,
but one should NOT do so to one’s own detriment. There is an expectation that
can often turn to a demand; a privilege that can often turn into a right.
Caregivers are NOT slaves, and it is sinful and a shame if they are treated as
such. Caregivers are human beings whose wants and needs have not changed simply
because they have chosen to look after a loved one. It infuriates me when
people act as if caregivers aren’t supposed to enjoy freedom. Caregiving is not
a sentence, and the ailing person’s home is not a prison—nor is it a hotel.
Why would anyone become a caregiver? Perhaps they did so
because they simply wanted to. Perhaps they believed they were logistically and
financially able. Perhaps, their lives are such that they simply have the time
and ability. Whatever the reason, an insidious cloud often looms over
caregivers and rains down busybodies, micro-managers, inspectors, and critics, who, though
not ON the job, feel they have the right to monitor how it’s done. These individuals are good for popping in to
see what’s going on, making ridiculous suggestions, changing plans, habits, and
routines without consulting anyone, ignoring dietary and medicinal
restrictions, making ill-informed diagnoses, offering their ill-advised two
cents about what they think the caregiver ought to do, and sowing seeds of
discord between the caregiver and their charge. There is a special place in
Hell…
When an ailing or elderly person demands, or wishes to
remain in his or her own home, that home AS WELL AS the individual must be
maintained. When it comes to the elderly, that home has to be safe, accessible,
and uncluttered, and comfortable for THEM, not YOU. If you’re cold, suck it up.
Make some tea, or coffee. Put some
clothes on. Get a blanket. If you’re too hot, get some ice water or a
Slurpee. Don’t go fiddling with the thermostat
and then wonder why the elderly person is coughing or sneezing.
If an ailing person has not been able to maintain their own
environment for a long time, caregivers are tasked to restore cleanliness and
order. As much as some don’t like it, the caregiver has to be content and
comfortable, too. Sometimes, something
as simple as opening a door or window can be problematic. Homes don’t run on
hope. The utilities aren’t going to miraculously confine themselves to the
areas around the chair where the ailing person sits. The heat and AC are going
to heat and cool the ENTIRE home—even the parts where the caregiver resides, or
areas the ailing person no longer uses. I don’t know any caregivers who aren’t
frugal and responsible; who don’t look for ways to minimize costs to their
loved ones, but some people think caregivers should live like slaves.
Many caregivers had to deal with situations perfect for an
episode of “Hoarders” when they agreed to leave their own homes to go and care
for a loved one. They had to work prior to tackling the principal thing. It stands to reason that they have NO
affection or patience for thoughtless, insensitive, jerks who show up and
behave as if they think an ailing person’s home should resemble a landfill. The
caregiver is NOT the maid or butler. The caregiver is not there to serve
everyone who walks through the door. The caregiver’s plate is ALREADY full. If
you visit the home of an ailing or elderly person, even for 8 minutes, you
AUTOMATICALLY become a caregiver, too. You may be asked to get water, change a
channel, fluff a pillow, open a jar, bring in a newspaper or recycle bin,
adjust a fan, close a window or door, slice a fruit, hand someone a tissue,
answer a phone, retrieve mail, read something, write something, pick up a
prescription, take clothes to the cleaners, cut up a box, empty the trash, hang
up a jacket, or tie a shoestring…If you don’t wish to be of assistance; if
you’re expecting to be waited on; if you think someone else should pick up
after you, perhaps you shouldn’t visit, and you damned sure shouldn’t STAY in
the ailing person’s home. Prepare to roll up your sleeves and ask whether there
is something you can do to HELP. Better than that, how about phoning ahead of
just dropping in, and asking if you can BRING something? THAT would be nice.
Ailing and elderly people are susceptible to so much, and
many are so selfish that they don’t consider allergies. Yes. Your cigarettes
ARE a problem, no matter how far out into the yard you go to smoke. You think your cat or dog is a member of the
family? That’s nice. Don’t bring your pet to be walking all over a person’s
home and climbing all over their furniture and shedding, peeing, and pooping
everywhere. Leave Midnight and Spot at home. If someone is taking medication
for hypertension, leave your artery-clogging fatback there, too. Whether or not
YOU think something will or won’t hurt someone is not the point. Don’t be a
jerk. THINK. You might think an over-the-counter medication is the best thing
since sliced bread, but for someone who is already consuming multiple
prescription meds, your opinion is moot, and your decision to play doctor can
be deadly.
The caregiver is not only attending to an individual, (a
task that can be all consuming) he or she is maintaining an ENVIRONMENT. Too
often, others show up, not to lend a hand in the UPKEEP of that environment,
but to snoop, criticize, suggest, and even vacation. The latter, vacationing
group forgets that the ailing or
elderly person, by virtue of their illness, disability or infirmity, is doing
little to nothing. That doesn’t mean
that they should or want to live in a pigsty.
Visitors should be aware and understand that if something be used,
broken, dirtied, or misplaced, it has to be replaced, repaired, cleaned, and
replaced by SOMEONE. It is a lowdown individual who visits the home of an
elderly person, disrupts it in any way, and rolls out. Perhaps someone IS going to clean up the
mess, but why not the person who MADE it? To go to the home of a person who is
no longer physically able to maintain it in the way they once did, and leave it
in shambles, should be a federal offense.
The notion that a live-in caregiver “has it made” or is
“living it up” is a fallacy. No. It’s outright BS (and I don’t curse, but
there was just NO word in ANY language to describe the blatant ignorance,
idiocy and stupidity of those who “check-in”, but prove they have no clue what
caregiving entails. Again, too many people have a laser focus on the ailing or
elderly person’s resources, and it blinds them to the ailment, and the 24/7
myriad of hats a caregiver wears. Caregivers are the ultimate multi-taskers and
KNOW what the real deal is. if you want to know what’s going on, (if it is any of your
business), make decisions, or recommendations you should be
PRESENT on a consistent basis, and HELP where it counts. If you want to run ANYTHING and think you can
ignore, sidestep, or bully the caregiver, you're an idiot and a saboteur.
Not At All and Every Now and Then can’t tell Every Day a darned thing--and
shouldn’t even try.
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