No arguments there.
It reminded me of something I noticed, as the pandemic waned. There was this urgency to “get back to normal”.
For some, “normal” proved to mean resuming frantic activity, making things more complicated than they needed to be, being in charge, and telling other people what to do. They apparently missed the authority they once wielded, replete with impatience, fiery, dissertation-like emails, last minute requests, arrogant tones, incessant text messages, gaslighting, unreasonable demands, barks, and bites, and they couldn’t wait to get back to it.
They weren’t ready, however, for resistance from those who’d realized that there was nothing appealing or normal about “normal”. They’d always been so pliable, gullible, available, accommodating, and consenting, before Miss ‘Rona shut everything down.
Many pre-pandemic, self-appointed bosses are currently wondering where everyone went, why they aren’t coming “back”, why the crises they created, are no longer everyone else’s emergencies, and what’s the problem with people who had never said “No” before. It didn’t occur to them that people had enjoyed several years of peace, balance, introspection, freedom, autonomy, and rest—and they liked it—a LOT.
The pandemic was a period of course correction. People found their voices. They learned how to value, respect, and set boundaries concerning their time, talent, relationships, and resources. They realized they actually DIDN'T have to be everywhere, all the time, or a part of everything. They had nothing to prove.
Being supportive didn’t have to mean being overextended. Investing with little or no return, and being on someone else’s clock, was over. Being farmed out as volunteers, while others were compensated, was over. Constantly demonstrating faithfulness, loyalty, and commitment, while ignoring one’s own health, responsibilities, and well-being, was over.
For them—the previously overworked and overwhelmed—a new, stress-free, healthy normal was born, in which they soberly considered how they’d been spending (or wasting) their time, what they’d reluctantly said “yes” to, and who they’d been allowing to use, pressure, or push them around. For them, there was no going back to fruitless busyness, orchestrated by the heavy-handed folks in their lives. The new goal, was to unteach how they’d inadvertently taught others to treat them.
The busy are finding that, no matter how well-intentioned, it’s never smart to make arbitrary plans for other people, unless the others in the equation, are small children. Making play-dates for them is fine. Not so much with adults. They may not gleefully follow, or even look at the itinerary, no matter when it was sent.
Unless you’re an activities director, or daycare provider, attempting to regulate, coordinate, monopolize, control, and micromanage the lives, days, or schedules of others, based on what YOU want them to do, or think is a good idea, is a perfect way to get your feelings hurt, and discover yourself scrambling to find a willing substitute.
Check your expectations and demands of others, and see if you may need to dial them back a bit. What you think others ought to do, are supposed to do, or would be delighted to do, may be the farthest thing from their minds. They will have prepared their own plates, and are within their rights to keep everything the way it is— be it sparse, or running over.
What you thought someone might like, need, want, be willing to do, or appreciate, can be confirmed by simply asking them first, and committing them last. Even with their consent, emergencies do arise, priorities come into play, and circumstances, conditions, moods, or feelings change. Flexible and understanding are good ways to be these days.
When it comes to the presence or participation of others, don’t make promises, or treat people like they’re employees, loaners, idle, lazy, in need of babysitting, or can’t think for themselves how to utilize their own time. You can only speak for, and commit yourself.
Any anxiety, anger, disappointment, or even financial loss, as a result of being presumptuous, bossy, or overbearing, is, unfortunately, your own fault. Be honest about whether “We”decided/agreed on a plan of action, or if YOU did, and just assumed others would indefinitely play along. Don’t be a steamroller, and then wonder why people get out of the way. Don’t think that others are your possessions, or are at your beck and call, and then lament that they’re never free, available, or are missing in action. Mind calling on people only when you want or need something—for free. If it’s business, lead with business.
Trying to keep tabs on, or lock down grown people, are the antics of a supervisor, manager, or parole officer. Smart phones and social media have increased the audacity and perceived power of many, who endeavor to track other people’s every move, and confront them about their choice of whereabouts. That’s not cool. It’s weird.
Everyone who has a phone is not tethered to it 24/7. Remember: people sleep, shower, eat, go to the bathroom, have appointments, are in meetings, attend funerals, drive, take out the trash, are on conference calls, get stuck in traffic…they DO power down, and unhitch themselves from their smartphones, from time to time.
It may be perceived as cold, or taken personally when people don’t immediately answer, or return calls, but there are times when people simply can’t, or don’t want to talk. That, too, is their right. (There used to be a thing called “a reasonable hour”, and I think it’s making a comeback.)
If people can, are interested, are not otherwise occupied, can afford it, or want to, they’ll go, do, be, or consent to whatever the plan or activity requires. Being manipulative, however, is never required, nor appreciated. Good luck with that arm twisting, or guilt tripping, after you’ve made unsolicited plans for others, especially discerning people, who don’t take kindly to being obligated personally, nor financially. You’ll look for them at the really fun, widely anticipated, mandatory, or important “thing”, and they’ll be somewhere else, or chilling at home— where they’d always planned to be. Sometimes, all it takes to decide not to go out, is for them to sit down—even if they’re fully dressed, with their car keys in hand.
One’s word still matters. There are some things that must be done, and failure to follow through result in negative consequences, but people always have choices. They are free to do what they want. It’s really wacky right now, but it’s still America.
Just because someone does THIS, doesn’t mean they’ll be interested in THAT. Don’t go RSVP-ing, saving seats, or buying tickets for them, and expecting reimbursement.
Just because it’s their day off, they’re on vacation, or retired, don’t think they need help filling their days and nights with what YOU think they should do.
A person’s time is their own. Just because you’re awake, up, and busy, doesn’t mean the rest of the world has to be, too. You don’t know what their previous days entailed. Calling and texting people at the crack of dawn, and waking them up, isn’t cool, unless there is a legitimate emergency, or you took their request at the front desk. Don’t be unsolicited guest services.
Group texts are cute, until they’re not. (Sharing scripture before sunrise, wonderful though it may be, can get you blocked, too.) It’s not what you share, it’s how and when you share it. Consider whether what’s convenient for you, is a hardship for others. If you’ve been asked not to include people in group chats and texts, don’t get offended, or argue how much more efficient it is for you, and then wonder why you can’t reach certain people anymore…but I digress.
“Back to normal” has to be amended to include consideration and respect for the wishes, likes, needs, wants, and rights of others. Perhaps what “they” used to do, is no longer feasible nor appealing—if it ever was.
Giving people space and grace, and not hounding them, or taking them for granted, is a new normal that I can support. Acknowledging that they’re not you, don’t have to be you, like what you like, go where you go, move when you move, think the way you think, want what you want, or need their every minute scheduled, is a start. Failing to get it, may leave you bewildered, but enough silence, no-shows, polite apologies, calls sent to voicemail, or cancellations, will eventually teach you not to speak, nor make plans for others.
Doing nothing at all, really is a thing. People get tired. Rest is vital. Funny thing about the human body— if you don’t shut it down when necessary, it’ll do it for you, and won’t even ask. Consider that nothing is really what some people want to do, and nowhere is exactly where they want to go.
Besides, it’s a slap in the face of the people who ARE present—who DID accept the request, task, assignment, or invitation—to constantly bemoan, mourn, and look for those who, for whatever reason, DIDN’T. Enjoy, appreciate, serve, teach, respect, work with, entertain, and lavish those who showed up—and don’t use, tax, abuse, or wear them out, until they become unapologetic no-shows, too.
Normalize being considerate.
It costs nothing.
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