THURSDAY THOUGHTS: INTENTIONS

On a recent episode of "What Now? with Trevor Noah", actress Lupita Nyongo said, "My default is not to feel unwelcome. My default is to seek welcome. I don't look for rejection. I experience it, but I think I have more hope and faith than doubt, as a default."

Capability, availability, good intentions, pure motives, expertise, or well-meaning actions, may be characterized as a breath of fresh air, in places where there’s a shortage of help, a lack of order, a need for competence, or a sudden vacancy.  The good that you potentially bring to a table, may also be met with suspicion, distrust, hostility, or rejection, in places where you are not expected, are merely tolerated, aren't familiar, or are not welcome at all.  It’s best to find out sooner, as opposed to later, which scenario applies. It would save you a lot of time, resources, and effort.

Where you stand with, or how you are perceived by others, is not in your control (unless you make a habit of being an insensitive jerk everywhere you go. You can fix that.)

You can try, but you can’t just keep popping up, plugging away, explaining and proving yourself, and trying to win people over, in situations where you are looked upon with distrust. Everything you do or say, will be scrutinized. That’s exhausting. Save yourself.

The best answer to "What is HE/SHE doing here?" is, "It's his/her JOB. He's supposed to be here."  The worst answer is, "I have no idea. Who called him/her?"  You can’t ignore the outright push-back, nor even the subtle hints, looks, and remarks that indicate that anybody else would be more welcome in a situation than you. 

Your need, want, or willingness to contribute, be a part, or assist, can’t supersede whether others want to receive your benevolence, or not. It’s simply not your call, so refrain from getting into your feelings.

It’s wise to know when and where to show up. You can’t support everyone or everything, particularly if your best interests are in danger. It’s also wise to know when to take a back seat, excuse yourself, or take your hands off of a thing altogether. 

It could very well be, that help is needed. The sticky part, is whether your help is what’s called for, or desired. You can think you’re making a valuable contribution, answering a problem, and even seeing progress, while being oblivious that, to some, your very presence, is as unwanted, irritating, and aggravating as hell. You can’t get so caught up, or desire proximity to certain people so much, that when disparaging remarks, insulting jokes, stereotypes, or erroneous assumptions are made, you convince yourself they’re not about YOU.

You have to be clear about who you are, and what role you play in the lives of others. You can't guess, or assume that you're more important than you are.

Sometimes, yours are not exactly the helping hands of choice—even when there are no other hands available.

Don’t be offended, and definitely don’t be pushy, argumentative, or defensive. There’s no need to inquire, nor interrogate. You need not know the reasons why. Don’t fret, nor second guess yourself (unless, of course,  you already know, going in, that your intentions aren’t honorable. Fix that. Don't overstep, or circumvent boundaries. Don't think that rules, restrictions, and other peoples wishes, don't apply to you. Practice caring. Don't be that person who always causes a scene, or thinks that everything is about you.  Busybodies, bullies, nosy rosies, preachy know-it-alls, unconstructive critics, finger pointers, vengeance seekers, Debbie-downers, gloaters, the delusional, and opportunists, are always repellents.)

Just take your good offering where it IS appreciated. Answer those requests. Go where you are called, invited, chosen—even celebrated.  There, is where you can be most helpful and effective. There is where you will bring solutions, gladness, relief, and comfort.  There, is also, where you may not be seen doing or giving, but the impact will be felt.

The harm you can do to yourself, by inserting yourself in places and spaces that are cold, indifferent, combative, or off limits, can be avoided by remembering that the right thing to do, isn’t always the best thing to do. The thing you can do, isn’t always what you should do.

Always read the room. Don’t check your discernment at the door. Not every situation is your assignment, no matter how willing, free, or competent you may be. 

Use your powers for good, where that good is valued. Go where you are sincerely wanted. 

Take your skills and tools (and sunny disposition) where they can be optimally utilized, and met with smiles of approval, not smirks and side eyes of disdain.