SATURDAY THOUGHTS : TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE

You started it, they responded, and you got the worst of it. What do you want me to do? Next time, keep your fresh mouth closed.” ~Judge Judith Sheindlin 

“I don’t care who you are. That’s funny right there.” ~Larry the Cable Guy

A scorching response to a serial bully, is always oddly satisfying. It’s also considered inappropriate, wrong, unreasonable, and over-the-top—to the bully. Once burned, bullies don’t want to play anymore. They  don’t like getting dragged. They never expect to get decked by those to whom they think they’re intellectually or physically superior, but it happens (and it’s funny).

Years from now, someone searching the congressional record will find such an example of bullying gone wrong, try to keep a straight face, then burst out in uncontrollable laughter. (That alliteration was positively poetic.)

Mothers everywhere warn:

“Don’t argue with a fool.”

“If you can’t take it, don’t dish it out”. 

“If you hit somebody, expect to get hit back.”

My sweet Mom used to say, “I don’t want you fighting, but if they hit you, you have my permission to haul off and knock the stew out of them—and make sure they don’t get up.”

Maybe some folk didn’t get those lessons. You can always tell they didn’t, when they get mauled by the fed up bears they poke. Then they want the bear to “calm down”. 

It’s a great day when bullies learn that not everyone is intimidated by, nor afraid of them.

When you’ve dealt with, or suffered narcissistic individuals and bullies before, you learn quickly to spot fresh ones—and their relentless tactics. 

You save yourself, and your blood pressure, by paying them no mind. It’s not easy, and you may want to cry, or cuss an imp out, but that’s what that imp wants. Crazy, ain’t it? How is it that the action is excused, played off or ignored, but the response is what gets criticism?

What bullies don’t anticipate, is the litany of soul-crushing responses that their exasperated targets have been rehearsing and storing for future use. I venture to think that “bleach blond bad built butch body” has been in the chamber for a minute, just waiting for its opportunity. As a result there are already B6 t-shirts, memes, beats, and AI-generated songs.

Ignoring someone who’s set their attention-hogging eyes on you, of course, causes them to ramp up their nonsense. They’ll needle you, demand your authority, time, and space, and even turn on you, or try to humiliate you (when they realize they’ve mistaken your kindness for weakness or stupidity), but you learn, after your previous rodeos, not to give that imp an inch.

What is to be gained by angering, exasperating, challenging, or exhausting others? Why stir conflict and cause confusion where none needs to exist?

Misery loves company—and will try to hijack it everywhere it goes. When it has run out of fed-up victims, who’ve been snagged by its manipulative ways, unfiltered words, and defenseless actions, it extends its reach to unsuspecting others at work, church, in stores, businesses, meetings, classes, on zoom calls…anywhere people gather.

Is being overbearing and crass the only way to get attention? To feel seen? To be important? Is any attention better than no attention at all? Is that the purpose and reason for stuff like: 

bullying and shaming, 

having nothing good to say about anyone, 

complaining about everything,

blaming others for the stuff they instigated, 

consistently being disruptive, 

monopolizing conversations, 

loud talking, 

demanding respect but showing none, 

or distracting others from the tasks or subjects at hand? 

Perhaps, one can, and will get the attention of others by being intentionally rude, pushy, arrogantly disrespectful, always whining, being negative, unnecessarily argumentative, or annoying, and always playing victim, but what kind of attention will it be? 

Anger? 

Bewilderment?

Disgust? 

Judgment? 

Criticism? 

Snark?

Ridicule? 

Shade?

Pity?

It certainly won’t be admiration—nor respect.

Perhaps, attention-seeking by being contrary and unpleasant, is a way to control or get a rise out of the people whose attention is desired, but it’s also a good way to be ignored, avoided, excluded, told off, shunned, embarrassed, or not taken seriously.

Count yourself fortunate when you peep their hold card in real time. You’ll never waste your empathy nor energy again. You’ll know when you see the gleam in their eyes. That sly smile says they’re pleased with themselves. Their actions are deliberate. They’ve upset and distracted everyone, as they feigned ignorance, weakness, need, confusion, or incompetence, and now everyone is focused on them, wasting time, frustrated, trying to reason with, or coddle them. They enjoy the atmosphere they’ve polluted. They’ve commanded the room. Mission accomplished. 

Make a mental note, that as gracious, compassionate, patient, and helpful as you try, and hope to be, you won’t miss the cues again. Preserve your peace. Give your energy to deserving individuals, plans, conversations, and genuine, worthy causes. Let the narcissistic bullies play games, and get their supply from somewhere else. Don’t take the bait ever again. When they go low, don’t follow them to hell. 

Don’t get ensnared. They know exactly what they’re doing. They want to have a reason to turn the tables on you, smear your character, and justify their opinion of you.

First impressions are lasting impressions. “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.”

Repeated behavior becomes expected behavior. When you don’t engage, argue, snap, or let them drain all of the joy out of a thing, they’ll soon find somewhere else to infect, and someone else to control. Be okay with being their bad guy for not letting them run all over you, or drag you through the mud they occupy.

Hopefully, for their own sake, they’ll realize, sooner than later, that brattiness, negativity, and selfishness aren’t the least bit endearing—no matter who the monster-maker is or was, who told and taught them so.