Do you REALLY want to know what's going on day to day?
Do you really want to give some life to your concern? Lose the arrogant, micro-manager spirit, roll up your sleeves, and assist on a regular basis.
Do MORE than show up empty-handed, sit, inspect, ask dumb questions, and expect to be served!
Want to impress a caregiver? Activate your discernment. Call before you show up and ask, "Do you need anything?"
Want to impress a caregiver? Activate your discernment. Call before you show up and ask, "Do you need anything?"
Do you really want to help? Scrub a toilet.
Rake a yard.
Clean an oven.
Sweep a floor.
Cook a meal.
Even the smallest act of kindness or thoughtfulness can make a huge difference.
Being a jerk helps no one. If you have ever looked at a caregiver and uttered the words, "You look tired!", slap yourself.
If you have ever uttered the words, "You've got it made!" slap yourself twice...no…ten times…with a bag of quarters.
Talk is cheap. If you are not willing to actually help where it counts, shut ALL the way up.
Talk is cheap. If you are not willing to actually help where it counts, shut ALL the way up.
Ailing and aged people need allies, not nosy, mindless, opportunists whose utter clueless-ness, rotten suggestions, and silly advice threaten to leave vulnerable people without an advocate or resources at all.
It's amazing how people decline taking the job--any job for that matter-- but want to criticize and dictate how it's done.
Ugh!!!!!
On a recent episode of a popular court TV show, a man brought suit against his mother's caregiver. (Maybe that's what set me off.) This jerk accused the caregiver of stealing, and enriching herself with money earmarked for his mother's care. Guess where the accusation came from? HIS MOTHER!
On a recent episode of a popular court TV show, a man brought suit against his mother's caregiver. (Maybe that's what set me off.) This jerk accused the caregiver of stealing, and enriching herself with money earmarked for his mother's care. Guess where the accusation came from? HIS MOTHER!
The caregiver was his own niece. She was understandably bewildered and heartbroken that her uncle, who she'd once considered a father figure, and her grandmother who she'd faithfully served, had lied on her and questioned her integrity. He'd put his elderly mother into a nursing home, not near his home, of course, or even in his state, but in the state where his niece lived. His niece immediately assumed the role as her grandmother's advocate. The thanks she got was to be sued!
I perked up immediately to see how the case would end. I already knew, but was almost giddy because the judge had discerned the motives and character of the plaintiff in a matter of seconds.
"You know I'm not sympathetic with you." she said. "I don't understand. Why are you suing her? What are you doing? How often do you go to the nursing home to visit your mother?"
The plaintiff was reduced to stuttering. He hadn't visited his dementia-afflicted mother since putting her in the home several months prior to the case. He proved that he had no idea what her care entailed. He had no clue what was physically or financially needed, or required on a daily basis for his mother. He only assumed, judged, and minimized what his niece had to do each day.
"You know I'm not sympathetic with you." she said. "I don't understand. Why are you suing her? What are you doing? How often do you go to the nursing home to visit your mother?"
The plaintiff was reduced to stuttering. He hadn't visited his dementia-afflicted mother since putting her in the home several months prior to the case. He proved that he had no idea what her care entailed. He had no clue what was physically or financially needed, or required on a daily basis for his mother. He only assumed, judged, and minimized what his niece had to do each day.
I could feel the smirk forming on my face as I watched. The never-ending saga of The Caregiver vs. The Micro-manager is common. Caregivers are frequently plagued by those who have washed their hands of doing any actual work, but resort instead, to spying, supervising, thinking, suggesting, guessing, directing, and keeping tabs.
There's the erroneous expectation that a caregiver should:
1. constantly defend him or herself; explain, and report to people whose idea of contributing or helping is a phone call.
2. not have a life, resources, or creature comforts, and if they do, they must be obtaining it illegally or dishonestly.
3. not need a break or assistance.
4. be the subject of a daily inquisitions, interruptions, and interrogations.
5. subject oneself to disregard, suspicion, slander, insensitivity, and disrespect.
6. work magic with little or nothing.
It's a great day when a caregiver finds his or her voice and stride; assembles a support team; learns to laugh, and ignores the drama and distractions that do-nothings can bring. It can be challenging, however, when one is encompassed by people who are more concerned about material things and money than the well being of individuals.
How can anyone think that attacking, accusing and antagonizing the caregiver is ever good for the ailing or aged person who depends on his or her help?
People who are anxious to hassle, or even eliminate the caregiver would never assume the position themselves! When they do have to step up temporarily, only then do they often find out how much time, energy, and resources the caregiver regularly contributes.
I can't say it enough: People who have never been, nor desire to be caregivers, but have any stake in the matter, can be some of the most evil, low down, disruptive, antagonistic pains in a caregiver's neck.
There's the erroneous expectation that a caregiver should:
1. constantly defend him or herself; explain, and report to people whose idea of contributing or helping is a phone call.
2. not have a life, resources, or creature comforts, and if they do, they must be obtaining it illegally or dishonestly.
3. not need a break or assistance.
4. be the subject of a daily inquisitions, interruptions, and interrogations.
5. subject oneself to disregard, suspicion, slander, insensitivity, and disrespect.
6. work magic with little or nothing.
It's a great day when a caregiver finds his or her voice and stride; assembles a support team; learns to laugh, and ignores the drama and distractions that do-nothings can bring. It can be challenging, however, when one is encompassed by people who are more concerned about material things and money than the well being of individuals.
How can anyone think that attacking, accusing and antagonizing the caregiver is ever good for the ailing or aged person who depends on his or her help?
People who are anxious to hassle, or even eliminate the caregiver would never assume the position themselves! When they do have to step up temporarily, only then do they often find out how much time, energy, and resources the caregiver regularly contributes.
I can't say it enough: People who have never been, nor desire to be caregivers, but have any stake in the matter, can be some of the most evil, low down, disruptive, antagonistic pains in a caregiver's neck.
If your loved one has a caregiver, ask yourself:
1. "Am I helping or instigating?"
2. "Is my contribution, in word or deed, making a positive difference, adding value, or making a situation worse?"
3. "Am I creating a problem where none exists?"
4. "Are my suggestions going to relieve stress, or make unnecessary work for others?"
5. Is my dislike of the caregiver reasonable, or a result of my own guilt, jealousy, insecurity, or inaction?
Sometimes, people THINK they're helping when what they're doing is enjoying peace in their own spaces, while fueling confusion elsewhere. Fortunately, caregivers learn (sooner or later) to form alliances with those who fully understand, are empathetic, and can be counted on for more positive action than speculative talk. But I digress...
1. "Am I helping or instigating?"
2. "Is my contribution, in word or deed, making a positive difference, adding value, or making a situation worse?"
3. "Am I creating a problem where none exists?"
4. "Are my suggestions going to relieve stress, or make unnecessary work for others?"
5. Is my dislike of the caregiver reasonable, or a result of my own guilt, jealousy, insecurity, or inaction?
Sometimes, people THINK they're helping when what they're doing is enjoying peace in their own spaces, while fueling confusion elsewhere. Fortunately, caregivers learn (sooner or later) to form alliances with those who fully understand, are empathetic, and can be counted on for more positive action than speculative talk. But I digress...
As the case continued, it was revealed that the cost of the nursing home swallowed up over three-quarters of the elderly woman's monthly income. The defendant, (who had a husband and small children), visited her grandmother five times per week, and actually assisted the nursing home staff in taking care of her grooming and hygiene. With any money that was left over, coupled with her own, the defendant was able to purchase incidentals her grandmother wanted, like Ensure, incontinence products, toiletries, and her favorite snacks and drinks.
The elderly woman, desperate to see her son more, thought that by badmouthing her granddaughter it would motivate her son to visit her, and assume a more hands on approach to her care. Her scheme backfired. Crying wolf always does. The son, (as ALL detached micro-managers do), feared he might have to actually get his hands dirty. He reacted instead of getting the facts. He didn't see through his mother's manipulation. It didn't occur to him that lonely people will attempt to pit people against each other in order for them to remain the center of attention. The son, concerned about money alone, disregarded how faithful his niece had been. He relieved his mother's best advocate of caregiving duties. The thought that his niece was being enriched financially was apparently too much to bear. Instead of then caring for his mother himself, to his mother's dismay, he moved her to another, more expensive nursing home nowhere near his home, her friends, or other family members. Just as the judge surmised, his visits to his mother's nursing home did not increase.
The elderly woman, desperate to see her son more, thought that by badmouthing her granddaughter it would motivate her son to visit her, and assume a more hands on approach to her care. Her scheme backfired. Crying wolf always does. The son, (as ALL detached micro-managers do), feared he might have to actually get his hands dirty. He reacted instead of getting the facts. He didn't see through his mother's manipulation. It didn't occur to him that lonely people will attempt to pit people against each other in order for them to remain the center of attention. The son, concerned about money alone, disregarded how faithful his niece had been. He relieved his mother's best advocate of caregiving duties. The thought that his niece was being enriched financially was apparently too much to bear. Instead of then caring for his mother himself, to his mother's dismay, he moved her to another, more expensive nursing home nowhere near his home, her friends, or other family members. Just as the judge surmised, his visits to his mother's nursing home did not increase.
The unsympathetic judge, upon finding out how little cash the niece had to work with each month, scolded the man. The judge told him that instead of suing his niece for buying necessities for his mother, he should have discerned his mother's words and actions as a cry for attention. He should have consulted with his niece and supported her. He should have realized that his mother's unfounded complaints were to get him to visit, not to demonize his niece. The judge suggested that he should have been thankful and grateful. "Instead of suing your niece, you should have paid her!" the judge screamed. "That's your mother, not hers! When was the last time you visited?"
The judge further explained that it was neither of their obligation to care for the elderly woman. Perhaps there was a moral obligation, but there was no law. "Instead of suing your niece, you should have said thank you! She wasn't stealing any money! Your mother didn't have any! Your case is ridiculous!"
The judge told the defendant that perhaps, she'd bitten off more than she could chew, given her own responsibilities, but she was to be commended for her willingness to sacrifice for her grandmother. "This is unfortunate, but consider that now you don't have that responsibility any more. No good deed goes unpunished." she said. Then, she promptly dismissed the lawsuit and called it "nonsense".
The judge further explained that it was neither of their obligation to care for the elderly woman. Perhaps there was a moral obligation, but there was no law. "Instead of suing your niece, you should have said thank you! She wasn't stealing any money! Your mother didn't have any! Your case is ridiculous!"
The judge told the defendant that perhaps, she'd bitten off more than she could chew, given her own responsibilities, but she was to be commended for her willingness to sacrifice for her grandmother. "This is unfortunate, but consider that now you don't have that responsibility any more. No good deed goes unpunished." she said. Then, she promptly dismissed the lawsuit and called it "nonsense".
The takeaway?
1. Some people don't want the job, but want to monitor and dictate when, where, and how to do it. In the process, they make the situation worse--not for YOU--but for the person on whose behalf you work.
2. NEVER complain, to people who are doing nothing, about those who are doing the lion's share of the work. Their input will never be objective or helpful. If you adhere to it, you may find yourself with no help at all.
3. When your scheme fails, you will be stuck with the individuals with whom you schemed, and it will NEVER be a trusting relationship.
4. If the people who are opposed to one another, because of your manipulation, EVER get hip, they may love, understand or pity you, but they will never trust, or confide in you again.
5. Someone who has demonstrated that they don't want to be bothered, will never be a suitable advocate. Everything is about their convenience. Their brand of help, is anything that involves the LEAST amount of physical input from them, but what benefits them the MOST.
6. People who care more about your resources than they care about you, will NEVER give you advice that will benefit you.
7. Sometimes, it takes a fresh set of eyes and ears to get to the heart of a matter, and expose the motives of everyone involved.
8. People in denial, or riddled with guilt, always need a scapegoat.
9. Remotely controlling a situation takes work, but is NOT work.
10. It’s uncanny how some people will long for those who do, and care the least.
11. Someone is always spying to see whether you are being enriched for the work you do. If you're not, they just keep spying. If they think you are, suddenly they want to "help out" too.
12. Don't bother explaining to anyone who expects you to pinch pennies, or go without what you need, in order to do an effective job.
13. Note those who expect you to suffer--or are bothered that you aren't suffering.
14. If you’re a caregiver, take time to document everything. Cover yourself. It's not being paranoid, it's being prudent--particularly if you know you are working for, or with an insecure person, a manipulative type, a gossip, or a liar.
As a caregiver, you don't have to walk on eggshells, or be preoccupied with what everyone thinks, but sometimes
the most damaging things can be perpetuated by those for whom you
sacrifice and labor the most. Sometimes, you're doubted by those who should know better.
I'm just not
sure why anyone thinks it benefits them to smear others. WHY would
anyone endeavor to criticize your efforts, impugn your character, or
minimize your competence, particularly if you work on their behalf?
When
the little lies about you fail to achieve desired results, some people
don't mind telling bigger ones.
Protect your reputation, and thank GOD
for those who won't sit back silently while someone accuses or maligns
you.
Appreciate those who matter; who know the truth, are discerning, and support you and your efforts.
#rantover
#caregivers
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