'Be anxious for nothing..." ~Philippians 4:6

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

CAREGIVER DIARIES: EXPECTATIONS


















I couldn't believe my ears.

And I quote, "If your daughter hasn't cooked something, or if she's busy, you ought to at least have something to offer people when they visit, like pizza, chips, or sandwiches."

All I could do was shake my head. 
I've been my Dad's live-in, unpaid caregiver for a little over two years. I really thought I was done with the insensitive types.


I phoned my sister, and my brother-in-law answered. I just wanted to vent. He said, "What you should have done, was take him the phone, give him the number to Domino's, and tell him to take out his credit card. You want pizza? Order one!"

I laughed, and was so happy for the mood change. It's been a busy morning, and for caregivers, there's rarely a morning that isn't.

I figured I'd just post this public service announcement. Maybe some people just DON'T know any better.

When you visit the home of an elderly person who has a caregiver, particularly if you are a drop-in, never, EVER assume that you have a right to be served. If you are offended that you weren't, I don't know what to tell you, or CALL you, that Jesus would be okay with...."Brood of vipers" comes to mind, but I digress....

If a caregiver, (who has quite a bit on his or her 24/7 plate, by the way) serves you, it is a courtesy, not an obligation. An elderly person's caregiver is neither your maid nor butler, and if the caregiver is a relative, he or she is not an employee to be ordered about, supervised, or micromanaged--particularly by blue moon visitors who haven't lifted a finger to do anything. Furthermore, loud talking about your expectations, won't get them to do anything for you any faster-- or at all.

Frankly, a thoughtful, courteous person would phone prior to arrival, and ask, "Is there anything that you need? Can I bring something? Is there anything that I can do?" 

What you DON'T do, is suggest to the elderly person, that they have snacks on hand, in case the caregiver hasn't cooked, hasn't prepared enough, or is too busy to attend to you.

I was born in Louisiana, where people were genuinely offended if you declined their offer to feed you, as soon as you walked into their doors, and they didn't STOP offering stuff until you said "Yes" to SOMETHING. However, I don't care if you're southern or not, your expectations should fit the situation. In the case of visiting ailing seasoned citizens, no matter what they USED to do, or what you're used to, YOUR hospitality should be the brighter-shining variety. 

Think. 
Care. 
Don't be a jerk. 
Lend a hand.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

TUESDAY THOUGHTS: PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER


My friend, pianist, writer producer, and worship leader Kim Jordan, phoned a few months ago, and asked if I could visit her studio for a session. She said she was working on a new track. 

I always know it's going to be an adventure at Kim's studio. She always has a particular sound or concept in her head--something outside of the boundaries of your comfort zone--and I can count on recording take after take. 

She's one of those people who is so confident that you can do a thing. Just when you're ready to quit, or recommend someone else, she's got a swift, "You can do it. I know you can. It's in there. I know you've got another one." 

I had a great time at the studio. I've learned over the years that I could stay all day in the booth of a recording studio. I feel free, safe, and love the creativity.

I recently got to hear what Kim did with the vocals I recorded. I remember her saying, "I just need you to holler"
I laughed. 
I was a little tired that day, but happy for the opportunity to sing and scream a while. 
I have to admit it was a bit therapeutic; quite a stress reliever.

I know now that it's difficult to sing when you let too much time go by without using that muscle. I appreciate Kim for allowing me to, in her words, "just go"...lol

The song is upbeat and fun, and her skill on the keyboard is phenomenal.
 
Whether you need to put your hands together and clap, or pray, I think it will put a smile on your face--and dancing in your feet.
 
 "Put Your Hands Together Like This" is available for download at Itunes 
 and Amazon

#peoplestillwantgoodmusic

TUESDAY THOUGHTS: IN CONFIDENCE


On the job, you CANNOT confide in everyone.
 
Some people have been itching for you to make even the slightest complaint, so that they can run in and implement their agenda—the one that your efforts and presence have delayed, or thwarted altogether.

You had better not even sigh within earshot of certain people. They'll  pounce. They’ll have everyone thinking you’ve had a heart attack, and are passed out on the floor, with your desk on top of you, and your chair on fire. They are like heat seeking missiles when it comes to you--just waiting for something to go wrong.  They live to sense your exasperation, and secure your failure, so that they can say, "I told you so".  
Don’t you murmur or complain, even a little bit, around certain people. Before you can even blink, they will be at your desk wondering what’s wrong, offering fake sympathy and premature help, gathering others to point out and report what they think is wrong with you, or your issue, and laying out their plan for what they think you ought to do. 

That person on the job who is 
1. always whispering to the boss about what you or others are doing
2. always looking for error, instigating, and interrogating everyone
3. always boasting about what they're doing that has nothing to do with the task at hand
4. suddenly mum when you enter the room 
5. incapable of looking you in the face because they’ve undermined and schemed against you so often
6. always trying to seem more knowledgeable and informed than they are
7. always sabotaging the task with inappropriate or unsuitable input
8. frustrated and dumbfounded that you’re still at your desk, in spite of their efforts to usurp it,
THAT’S the one, in the company of whom, you MUST censor yourself no matter HOW badly you need to vent. The weather and the time of day--THAT’S what you share with them. 
That's it. 
That's all. 
PERIOD. 
If you have an issue, and there’s no one around except Gossipy McShadyboots? You’d better talk to Jesus…or yourself.

Go on. Bump your head and confide in a shady person about your problem, but look into their eyes. You’ll see the glee. Your suffering gives them life. Shut up immediately. Change the subject. When they ask you how you are, “I’m fine and you?” is the best reply. 
Do not embellish. 
Don’t give up details. 
Their advice, suggestions, and solutions will ALWAYS be blatantly self-serving, born out of envy, a sense of entitlement, or a need to compete, and NOT out of a sober grasp of the gravity of your situation or assignment. 
 They will immediately point out all of your faults and missteps, and they will do it so WELL that you will, or SHOULD know that they’ve been holding conversations and keeping an eagle eye on you for a very long time. 
That eagle eye will quickly transform into a buzzard eye,  the second they think you’re on your last leg. Even if you ARE limping, when in their presence, you’d better get yourself together and walk like Tyra Banks on her best day.

Confide in a shady person, and their advice will be ridiculous, lacking in integrity, compassion, reason, common sense, understanding and wisdom. 
It will be void of caring about you, the task, and anyone else involved in the task. Their two cents will be all about what will best suit them. All they truly care about is how they can be promoted, what they can get, how they can secure their position, how they can benefit, and how soon they can set about erasing every trace of you, or your efforts. 
To them, your turn has been up for quite a while. Actually, if it was up to them, you wouldn’t have HAD a turn at all, with which to demonstrate your competence. 
The fact that you have succeeded infuriates them. Their goal is that you quit, and they’d like to give you all the reasons why you should. Their real hope is that you be terminated, and they’ve been sowing every possible seed to facilitate that, too. Any murmuring from you is just the molehill they need to construct the mountain that they hope will fall on you. They have no desire at all to help you in ways that count. Everything they do, or recommend is a temporary band-aid. Their actions are full of pretense. They like to pretend to work, pretend to consistently contribute, be seen demonstrating concern, and are good at photo ops that make it appear that they are contributing something substantial. Anything they do demands an audience and a pat on the back. If it can’t be seen or announced, they’re not doing it. They have no intention to do what you do, or put in the amount of time you have, but they are so self-absorbed that even as you labor, all they are preoccupied with are the benefits they think you’re receiving—benefits they think THEY deserve for doing nothing.
The sad part is that they usually aren’t suffering. They have a lot on their own plates, and a lot for which to be thankful and grateful-- if they'd take their eyes off of you long enough to notice. They simply aren't satisfied with what they have. They want what they think you have, too

It’s unfortunate, if you had a lapse and confided in the wrong person, but you're a complete idiot if you continue to do it, or take them or their “advice” seriously. If they were to step into your situation, you could bank on how rapidly things would fall apart, change for the worst, and how swiftly they would implement all of the safeguards, benefits, and resources they argued that you could do without. They won’t be denied anything, but you? They expect you to ration even basic necessities. You should be able to function with little or nothing. They don't think the job takes "all that"—that is until they have to do it. They would demand "all that" and some more.

Maya was right—“When people show you who they are THE FIRST TIME, believe them”. Trust your instincts. Know who's sincerely got your back--and they're not all "yes" people. Stop confiding in people who you have discovered are not genuinely concerned about you, your circumstances, or the bottom line. Their suggestions and solutions will always leave you at a disadvantage or facing a deficit. 
Don’t check your brain or discernment at the door. You don’t have to be paranoid. 
Keep working, but keep your eyes open. 
Remember the principal thing--doing the most efficient, effective, honest job you can do.

#justkeepgoing

Thursday, June 29, 2017

DEW REFERSHMENT CALL : EVERYBODY NEEDS A HERO











Zipporah’s  father, Jethro had once been one of Pharaoh's top advisors, but because he was gracious toward Hebrew people, he had been blackballed and ostracized.
Jethro relocated to Midian, and became the highest priest of the land. He was a highly respected and intelligent priest, who gave up the practice of idol worship. The people of Midian weren’t exactly pleased with his decision, and began to persecute and hate him. (Isn’t that always the way? You decide to do something beneficial, think independently, or step outside of the box and along come the haters.)
Jethro's daughters felt the brunt of his decision.  Every time they went to water their father’s sheep, they were bullied away from the communal well.  They figured out a way to work around the bullies. Imagine if they decided they were too afraid and stopped going to the well altogether? Instead, they waited patiently until all of the other shepherds had used the well, and then seized their opportunity.  The waiting was no doubt time-wasting. The sheep needed water, though. There was no time for fear or succumbing to intimidation. Moses stood up for Zipporah and her sisters, when he showed up in Midian and saw what was happening. He defended them against the town bullies, and assisted them in watering their flock. Their father was surprised to see his daughters arriving back home from the well after being gone for such a short period of time. Zipporah told her father about the stranger who helped her and her sisters.  Moses was extended an invitation to Jethro’s house and not long after, he was given Zipporah to be his wife. 
One word in a version of the story that I read would not let me go. “Communal”. The well where Moses became Zipporah’s hero, was not off limits. It was not privately owned. Had it been, it would have made sense for the owner to become irate and chase other shepherds away from it. However, it didn’t belong to any one person. No one person had more stock in it, or privileges concerning it, than another. It was to be used or shared in common by everyone in the town. No one should have dared chase Zipporah and her sisters away. I understand being concerned about the condition, upkeep, and proper functioning of shared things, but when resources are communal where does anyone get the idea that they can commandeer them and determine when, where, how, how much, and whether others utilize them?
There are a myriad of reasons why people do what they do, and if some people could keep you from obtaining and enjoying your portion of what is rightfully yours they would.  Don’t allow it.
So many questions came to mind as I thought about the incident at the well.  How many times were Zipporah and her sisters harassed and intimidated in their own town, by people who knew them, before Moses--a stranger-- came along? Why didn’t anyone else see the injustice and unfairness and help them? Had they told their father what was happening to them? What did being ostracized and constantly in fear do to their self-worth? Did it make them stronger, weaker, or more determined? Had they simply resigned to deal with the situation the best way they could? And what was up with those shepherds? ( I’d like to think these shepherds, by their behavior alone, were hired hands. Good shepherds were caring, responsible and not cowardly.)
Everyone is faced with mean-spirited, selfish, overbearing people from time to time. How do you cope with those who have decided that you don’t matter? Who is gossiping about you, and sowing seeds of discord because of a stand you have taken? Who has been gossiping and backbiting so much that their attitude is hostile and cold when they encounter you? Who’s trying to get you out of the way? Is it because they think they’re better than you? Do they fear that resources are lacking, diminishing, or they deserve a greater share of them than you?
Who’s assuming that you are weak, insignificant, and unworthy and attempting to bully you? Who’s trying to frighten you away from what you have every right to obtain? And why are you allowing it? Are they bigger, “badder”, or more powerful? Are they armed, or are they just self-centered, narcissistic bullies who like seeing you cower and cry?
Who’s trying to regulate or force you to change your plans? Who is keeping your time as if you answer to them? Who is suggesting that it’s time for you to step aside so they can bully their way into your position—not because they want the job, but because of the perceived perks they think you’re receiving? If you have been committed, consistent, efficient, effective and operating in a spirit of excellence—why are you even thinking about where your suitcase is? Why are you so easily moved by manipulative, self-centered people from places where you belong?
Who is trying to move you simply because they’re insecure and don’t want you in what they think is their lane?
Who’s trying to make you think they’re more important or more favored than you? Is it true, or is it what they need to be true in order to make themselves feel better?
Who is intimidating you and causing you to waste the little that you have obtained in the short or inconvenient amount of time you had to obtain it?
Who’s persecuting you because of what someone in your family has done?
Who hasn’t been able to hurt you, so they’ve decided to harass your children or family members?
Who has a problem with the kindness that you demonstrate to others?
Who’s mad because you’ve grown intellectually and no longer ascribe to performance based, or idol based worship?
Who’s got you cowering, hiding, and waiting until the coast is clear because every confrontation with them is a violent or combative one?
Who have you allowed to hold you to a ridiculous budget or standard so that they can have more?
Who sees you going about your business—minding your business—not bothering anyone, just going about your day, making sure your needs and the needs of your family are met, and decides that their needs are more pressing than yours?
Who has decided that you need supervision, micromanagement, or relegation to a low estate?

Who doesn’t care if you’re lacking essentials that could affect your health and well-being?
Who has caused you to feel you have to settle for last place or the low rung on the totem pole?
What adjustments have you made, or how have you inconvenienced yourself just to avoid running into certain people?
Who thinks that their schedules, appointments, and time are more important than yours?
Who has imposed a singular claim on what is a joint or group venture?
Who is diminishing you because of your gender?
Who thinks you shouldn’t be where they are--doing what they’re  doing?
Who thinks you’re too weak or unsuited for the job you’ve always been doing with ease and precision?
Who has a problem with your ethnicity, nationality, appearance, language, mannerisms, habits, style, or beliefs, or skill?
Do you always know who’s really behind the decision making concerning you, or is there a fall guy?
What have you sacrificed so that a significant other can be free to wholly pursue a higher calling?
It is vital to know the people in your life, and particularly those in your circle. Recognize integrity, sincerity, dependability, and kindness. Know who is there for you, not because of what you have, but because they value the relationship, and value righteousness. Be wise about confrontation, but don't fear it. Like the song says, "I wanna see you be brave".
Maya Angelou said, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. Remember this, because it will happen many times in your life. When people show you who they are the first time believe them, NOT the 29th time.”
Know those people who smile in your face, and seek to be close, but don’t mean you any good. Know those people whose smiles make your day.
Once your eyes are open, keep them open and don’t go back to sleep...:  )
#justkeepgoing


THURSDAY THOUGHTS: IN CONFIDENCE





















A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret." ~Proverbs 11:13



"He who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets, therefore, do not associate with a gossip." ~Proverbs 20:19


"A faithful man will not disclose what he is trusted with, unless the honor of God and the real good of society require it." ~Matthew Henry


"How much of this nonsense does he believe, I wonder, and how much does he say just because he knows the value of dividing in order to conquer and to rule?" ~Octavia E. Butler

We all have people in whom we can confide. We've tested whether that is so. 
You learn, over time, that some people are wise, objective, solid, trustworthy, and loyal...Thank goodness.

Sometimes you need someone to talk to; someone to check you; someone to whom you don't mind being accountable; someone who will tell you the truth. Who you choose, really matters.

Unfortunately, we all know a chronic gossip. We all know a habitual liar. We all know those shady types, who manage to operate with two faces. We all know those who are selective about when they are going to be neutral, and strangely incapable of taking a stand. 
We all know people who like to sow seeds of discord among friends and relations--and it's usually a desperate ploy to remain the star on everyone's stage. 
They seem to thrive on confusion, have very selective memories, and are self-centered. 
Don't be mad. Just pray for their minds.

Hopefully you've learned what to share and not to share, with people whose lips are a bit loose--not just about their own business, but everything anyone has ever share with them as well. 
However, before you are swift to go and repeat what that gossipy acquaintance, relative, or mutual friend told you about someone else, under the guise of getting to the bottom of things, consider whether it is true, worthy of repetition, or potentially damaging to feelings or relationships. Moreover, consider if you really want to hear what was said about YOU. 

Sometimes, you're being spared great pain, because others are more reluctant to repeat tales--particularly if they know they will be hurtful for you to hear. 
Know when you're a recipient of mercy. 
If they'll whisper about them, you'd better believe they'll whisper about you.
Remember what the elders warned: “A dog that will bring a bone, will carry one”.

 
#youdontwannaknow  
#wisdomistheprincipalthing