D.E.W.™ Refreshment Call: BALANCE

Everyone who knows me can tell you that I don't like to argue. I don't like confrontation or bullies. I don't respond well to pressure, threats, ultimatums, or manipulation. I learned that a long, long time ago. 
Safety and Care and Harmony are my dear friends. 

I think that peace and cooperation are two of the most wonderful things in the world, and should be sought as diligently as gold. 

I try live a relatively calm existence. When I come out to play, I'm not looking for a fight--ever. I try to be pleasant. It's the way I was raised. Being unkind, selfish, or a nuisance wasn't allowed. My Mom always said, "Be a lady". That generally meant: 

1. don't embarrass or bring unnecessary attention to myself, 

2. don't cause trouble

3. don't make waves, scenes, or any other aggravating moves

4. Be nice. 

5. Be kind. 

6. Be respectful. 

7. Be helpful. 

8. Avoid trouble.

I have the funny feeling that the "Be a lady" criteria that I was compelled to adopt, translated that I am somehow a pushover who is completely incapable of pushing back. You get the feeling that the people in your life are thinking, "It's okay. Walk all over her. Be inconsiderate. She won't mind."

My Mom's "Be a lady" lesson was taught in South East, DC, by the way. All that means is:

1. South East has often gotten a bad rap.

2. Just because one doesn't choose to use certain words (and all of their colorful combinations) to repel and combat the antagonistic imps in their lives, doesn't mean one doesn't know them.

I’d be a bazillionaire if I had a dollar for every time I heard someone say, “She’s a sweetheart!” or “She’s so sweet”. 

Don’t you know that as even-tempered as you try to be, there’s always someone looking to challenge you; push your buttons; knock you off of your game, or see if you have a breaking point? We all have another side.

Yes. I, too, have another side. I’ve seen her. I don’t let her come out to play much because she is something else! She spent so much time suppressing what she should have confronted a long time ago, that when she does finally speak up, she has a tendency to go overboard. She has taught me very well, in my AARP years, about the importance of saying what you need to say, when you need to say it. It’s not that filter-less, careless speech that doesn’t care how it affects others, but it’s that freeing speech that reduces the stress in my life. It is honest and authentic, but loving and firm. It leaves room for reconciliation.

Sometimes you will have to raise your voice, be assertive, and establish boundaries, and there may seem to be no polite, ladylike way to do it. What's the limit, then? How far is too far? Yeah, you're "supposed to be a Christian", as some people are so quick to remind you after they've behaved badly, but sometimes situations call for you to channel your inner turning-over-tables-in-the-temple, Jesus. What would Jesus do? He'd represent well, be upfront, tell the truth (minus the complimentary sugar-coating), and not bring shame to the family.

I was reminded of a lady who told me she uses blessed anointing oil as a weapon. She sensed my non-confrontational sheepishness one day and asked, "Do you have any oil, Baby?" "Yes Ma'am", I answered. "Well, do you use it? Look, people know not to mess with me. When they see me going in my pocket book, they know they're going to have to put all of their clothes in the cleaners..."

I really didn't know how to respond to that other than laugh, but she was deadly serious. It occurred to me that some situations and people demand that you be steady, unwavering and sure.  

I just don't want to go through life in defensive mode-- forever on the lookout for impending offenses. Been there, and it’s not my cup of tea. The Bible says “the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace”.

Becoming reclusive because of what might be lurking outside isn't an appealing thought; neither is going along with stuff just to keep the peace, or to appease the demanding people in your life. There's got to be a balance. There has to be something between retreating to a hole and hibernating, and wiling out so badly that you need to be restrained. The goal is mental steadiness, emotional stability, creating a habit of calm behavior and sound judgment. We can share David’s testimony in Psalm 94:19-- “When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy”.

I simply do not like arguments--even if I'm not in them! Flight is a convenient, easy response. I know now that walking away, shutting down, or falling silent are in fact responses--and they're not often received well. As a matter of fact, for some people, removing yourself from an argument or declining a confrontation and shutting down can be more aggravating than if you punched them in the face! Unpleasant or not, sometimes you just have to engage, if for no other reason than to free, and stand up for yourself.

Some people tend to want your consent. Others want to control you. Still others seek to change you. Then there are the rather scary ones who think they own you. How about those who think you should be forever indebted to them? I can't leave out those who expect you to be at their beck and call, as if you're super-glued to your computer or phone. You'll know exactly who in your life falls into which category the first time you say "No." and mean it. That one tiny word separates the understanding friends from the freakishly controlling acquaintances and strangers. 

Orders, demands, drama, stress, power plays, arrogance, tantrums, threats--stuff like that just plain make my eyelashes hurt, especially when they show up all willy-nilly where they don't need to be! (Want me to transform into an unresponsive, oblivious lump of total disinterest? Try to turn what I love to do into a chore by being unreasonable, unkind, and imposing a lot of useless, unnecessary, time consuming requirements.) 

Sometimes, people want you to respond to their mania with fear and trembling. When you don't, they don't understand. You're accused of being aloof, or not serious enough. The fact is, some things just don't deserve that much attention or encouragement. You’ve got to pick your battles, and everything doesn’t deserve your endorsement, investment, or participation.

Contentious situations and difficult people tended to suck the life out of me! I had to acknowledge, though, that every time I found myself burdened or frustrated, I allowed it.

Difficult People 101. It's the one course in God's summer school that I've had to keep retaking over and over again. In the past, I have opted to leave a situation altogether, before I wasted energy or time tangled with someone who seemed to be itching for trouble. There's a price to pay for non-compliance. Sometimes it's flat out punishment. You're punished for engaging, and you're punished for retreating.  There’s got to be a better way.  I learned there's such a thing as "good stress", but bad stress is not an option.

Maybe it's unrealistic to want peace all of the time, but I can hope, can't I? Maybe the most exasperating question of all was asked by the late Rodney King: "Can't we all just get along?" I wish the answer could be an enthusiastic "Yes!", but that would mean that someone would expect you to abandon yourself and become just like them, or follow their lead so they'll be happy—but what about you and your well-being?

Someone is always starting something! Why? And why is it always with those who least want to engage? It's the devil, I tell ya. “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” lol…

My very wise daughter said, "People don't know what buttons to push, but the enemy does." The mistake many make, however, is picking on, and pushing the buttons of someone who they think can't, or won't finish a thing. Many have learned the hard way what the embarrassing consequences are of picking on mild-mannered people who don't make a habit of picking on anyone. It's what people think of themselves that gives them the idea that it's okay to be a jerk toward others. It's true. We really do teach others how to treat us, and when they learn the lesson well, and behave less than respectfully, friendly, fairly, graciously, honestly or considerably toward us, I suppose we can't be mad, can we? We taught them.

I was watching the film 'Love, Actually" and was struck by the lines Hugh Grant spoke in his role as Prime Minister:  He said, "I love that word "relationship". It covers all manner of sins, doesn't it?...A friend who bullies us is no longer a friend, and since bullies only respond to strength, from now onward, I will be prepared to be much stronger..."

I said "Wow" out loud, and replayed that portion of the DVD like it was a sermon.

Perhaps it's time for new lessons--not born out of any vindictive spirit, but just because it's time. Lessons in establishing boundaries; making choices; asking for what we want; saying what we mean; speaking up; avoiding procrastination; being fearless; being firm; recognizing priorities; examining relationships; saying "no" and meaning it, knowing your limitations; listening to your body; refusing to accept abuse of any kind; only taking on what you know you can handle; only promising when you know you can follow through; enjoying your favorite snack or dessert when you’re NOT sad, stressed, frustrated or upset; being authentic; genuine.  

The Message Bible translates a portion of Luke 12:1-3 this way. “You can’t keep your true self hidden forever; before long you’ll be exposed. You can’t hide behind a religious mask forever; sooner or later the mask will slip and your true face will be known. You can’t whisper one thing in private and preach the opposite in public…”

Maybe it's time to stop running, stop retreating, stop caving, stop abandoning our own wants and wishes, and re-introduce our stronger, stable, sure-footed selves to ourselves. It’s time for a balanced existence.

The Message Bible translation of Romans 13:11-14 reads,

“But make sure that you don’t get so absorbed and exhausted in taking care of all your day-by-day obligations that you lose track of the time and doze off, oblivious to God… We can’t afford to waste a minute; must not squander these precious daylight hours in frivolity and indulgence, in sleeping around and dissipation, in bickering and grabbing everything in sight. Get out of bed and get dressed! Don’t loiter and linger, waiting until the very last minute. Dress yourselves in Christ, and be up and about!”  

I like that…: )

#justkeepgoing

#DEW4U

POETRY PROMPT: FORGIVENESS MATTERS

LET IT GO

No one is saying you're wrong to feel the way you do

To not feel a single thing at all, is worse for you

But think of the hours you lament

Wondering where your time and effort went

Release all the people who've hurt you so

The pain that you're suffering they'll never know

Even if you flee, run, or walk away

The scars that you're covering grow day by day

Let it go

Please let it go

Before bitterness sets in, just let it go

Just let it go

Please, let it go

There's freedom indeed

Just tell the Lord what He already knows

There's a bright side somewhere

To ease your journey there, just let it go

When you rehearse each and every offense

And wear like a badge the years you have spent

Angry inside and seeking the day

When all who have harmed you

Are quickly swept away

The current that sweeps them

Will drown you first

The life you could have lived

Yields no fruit, and worst of all

The Father who cares

And restores and makes new

Is powerless to offer forgiveness to you

So, let it go

Please let it go

Before bitterness sets in just let it go

Just let it go

Please let it go

There's freedom indeed

Just tell the Lord what He already knows

There's a bright side somewhere

To ease your journey there, just let it go

     

RESIDUE

 

I overheard a stranger cry

There had been an injury

So deep I was sure that I

Would begin to weep

The response to so much hurt

Was as cold as ice

"Look, just get over it!

Get on with your life!"

Just made me realize

Some things you ought not share

Things you, nor friends can solve

Are best reserved for prayer

Some stuff has residue

Traces left over after the real thing has gone

That’s not easy to gloss over

Or to recover from

Some stuff has residue

It's designed that way

To keep your eyes on painful times

While hopes subsides

And joys are few

I continued listening

To see where things would go

Would there be drying of tears?

Would a smile replace the flow of words and feelings

That had piled up over time?

Instead, along with hurt, anger raged

No empathy; no compromise

That either heart would change

No, "It's gonna be alright"

No "Let me help you through"

No mention of God's love

Mercy was left out, too

Just a cold "Get over it"

Without a suggestion how

 I wonder at times

If things are resolved now

Some stuff has residue

Traces left over

After the real thing has gone

That you just can't get over soon

Can't seem to recover from

Some stuff has residue

It's designed that way

To leave you weak, worn, confused

And forgiveness at bay

There is a remedy

It may not take much time

When Joy and sunrise coordinate

Dried tears are a good sign

It's up to you to say, though

When your morning will be

Oh, the freedom you’ll know

When what you’ve clung to

Is released

Some stuff has residue

Traces left over

After the real thing has gone

That you can't get over quickly

Can't seem to recover from

Some stuff has residue

But it doesn’t have to stay

Find the brightness, see the beauty

No time is better than today

VRW ©2017

#DEW4U CONFERENCE CALL: FORGIVENESS

Most of us know when we’ve done wrong. Some people planned it! Others don’t mean to offend or cause hurt, but they do—and they’re sorry. They didn’t think things through, or think at all. Consequences have a way of lingering. There is a longing to be restored; to find yourself back in good graces; to exist as if whatever it was never happened. We wish we had Superman’s power to turn back time and start over.

There was a phrase in the old Baptist church covenant that directed believers to always be "ready for reconciliation". That’s often easier said than done. Many agree to forgive, but forgetting is tricky and offenses hang on and weigh us down.

Theologian Matthew Henry wrote: “We are taught to hate and dread sin while we hope for mercy; to distrust ourselves, to rely on the providence and grace of God to keep us from sin; to be prepared to resist the tempter, and not to become tempters of others. Here is a promise: “If you forgive, your heavenly Father will also forgive” We must forgive, as we hope to be forgiven. Those who desire to find mercy with God must show mercy to their brethren. Christ came into the world as the great Peace-maker, not only to reconcile us to God, but one to another…The greatness of sin magnifies the riches of pardoning mercy…”

Matthew 5:7 reminds us, “Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.” 

Sometimes, the person who is in need of your mercy the most is you. 

You may have no problem accepting the apologies of others, burying hatchets, and letting bygones be bygones—except when it comes to yourself. We can speculate about what others have done, but we know what we have done and said. Our consciences and memories won’t let us forget, be selective, or in denial. At what point do you stop offending yourself and embrace the freedom that forgiveness brings?

The only feelings you can effectively do anything about are your own.  It’s easy to get preoccupied or angry with people who have wronged you. When you refuse to forgive yourself, you’ll have an extremely difficult time acknowledging, and being grateful for your own state of being. Blessings that should bring thankfulness and joy will be burdensome and painful. You’ll settle for less. Your ambition will suffer.

Allow adversity that is inspired or orchestrated by others, to consume you, and you'll soon become bitter, spiteful and vengeful, but it is nothing compared to the anguish associated with beating up on yourself. Being forgiving of anyone will be difficult if you misinterpret or misunderstand how God operates. He is not like us—thank goodness.

You'll know when you need a major overhaul of your heart and mind when "what happened" becomes the topic of your every conversation--even with total strangers. You'll DEFINITELY know when, every time you see or hear their name, every time you pass by that place, every time that date rolls around, every time you hear that song, every time you see that scar, that photograph; every time you hear that voice, or enter that room, something turns inside you like the first signs of indigestion. Life’s triggers are something else! When you hear yourself crying "I'm not over it", or "I can't forget it", “You don’t know what I did!” RUN, stop drop and roll immediately to God.  Get rid of that anxiety! Philippians 4 advises us to “be anxious for nothing!” NO thing. We have an advocate who has offered divine help! The Word says in everything make your request known to God…in prayer…with supplication…just let it all out. Get ugly about it! Cry, yell, but tell him! "God I can’t seem to be able to forgive myself!" Tell him! All of it. In detail. Get it out. That verse concludes with the promise that an incredible, indescribable peace will be yours. It will change your character and your outlook. You won’t even understand it, but it will keep your heart and mind.

Don't let your purpose in life be hijacked. Don't let the hijacker be YOU. Let God handle the difficult, unforgiving, critical, hurtful people in your life. Let HIM take care of every person who became a willing vessel in the enemy's "steal, kill, and destroy" mission. Yes. You have options of what you COULD do to make yourself feel better, but never forget there is a really awesome plan for your life designed especially by God. He's an expert at making wrong things right. He's a heart changer. He's thorough, and can do a much better job with His creation than you can. You’re his child. He loves you. He is Love. That alone is enough to surrender everything to him.

Refocus. Let go. Remember that you are included in the “whosoever” whom God loves. If you think about it, the people who have caused you pain and grief might have been like Goliath to your life, but they may be dealing with Goliath's bigger, scarier brothers in their OWN lives! Give your life's annoying, destructive giants to God—particularly the ones you’ve helped create.

 

Don't allow ANY THING to hinder you from going, doing, moving, growing, or learning. In spite of what anyone has said or done to negatively impact your life, God always has his eye on YOU as well. How you behave, respond, and what you say is key. Godly is the way. Always ask Him to monitor your heart and check your attitude. Take the high road. Don't let anyone convince you that you're a coward or a punk for choosing it. It's not high because it's difficult to maneuver, it's because the air is better, you can see farther, and cover more ground. Besides, you need power to climb, and forgiveness is not optional. That includes you and how you treat yourself.   

Mark 11:25 reminds us, “When you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them so that your Father in heaven may forgive you…” 

We can be sad, mad, and disappointed when others refuse to accept our sincerest apologies, but what happens when the offender and the person who withholds forgiveness is you. Sometimes we can harbor ill feelings against ourselves and act like martyrs. “That’s okay God I don’t need your blessings. I’m too bad. I’m too messed up. I went too far. Go over there and bless somebody else.”  We take inventory of our transgressions and decide that one thing or another is too terrible for God to consider; we take it upon ourselves to conclude that even Christ’s sacrifice on the cross isn’t sufficient to blot out certain actions or words.  Perhaps others have forgiven you, and have forgotten all about what you’ve done, but you are the one keeping it alive. You wake up every day, and trot down to the banks of the Sea of Forgetfulness with a bucket and a fishing pole to reel in your own past. Then you wallow in the stench of it to remind yourself yet again how undeserving you are of the mercy and grace of God. You punish yourself. You limit and penalize yourself. You don’t even give God the opportunity to forgive you because you haven’t even confessed to him what he already knows.  Proverbs 28:13 admonishes us: “He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion.”  Nowhere in the passage does it indicate that you are responsible for determining whether you deserve compassion or not. When God fashioned his redemption plan he didn’t ask for your input so stop trying to amend it now! He didn’t send his son into the world to condemn it, but to save it! Come out from under the ashes you’ve heaped upon yourself and let him dust you off! Forgive yourself! God’s promises are available to you and he is not a liar. David wrote in Psalm 32:5, “I acknowledged my sin to You, and my iniquity I did not hide; I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD"; and You forgave the guilt of my sin.” Is that perhaps what is standing between us and forgiveness of ourselves—that we have not been forthcoming? We haven’t been honest? We haven’t really acknowledged our actions? We’re keeping something back, perhaps because it’s too painful?  Exodus tells us that God is one who “keeps lovingkindness for thousands, who forgives iniquity, transgression, and sin”. Why is it so difficult to rest in that? 1 John 1:8-9 says “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.  If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” All means all! Everything! This and that! While in agony on the cross, Jesus made an assessment of the hearts of the people. The beloved Son of God could have asked God for anything. Jesus asked, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." No one asked him to be so gracious; but he asked God to be merciful. “But you don’t know what I did, Vanessa!”  Join the club. I can only imagine the people who are soooo glad their dirt was done before the advent of cell phones and social media! The Bible says all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. No, we shouldn’t glorify our transgressions, but we shouldn’t wear them like shackles or badges, either. Jesus said love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. Are you persecuting yourself for anything? 

 

 Often, the depth of the relationship, the time invested, or the degree of intimacy will determine whether forgiveness will be easy to obtain. Now, who have you known longer than yourself? It’s easy to give a pass to people that you like and don’t want to lose. One of the greatest commandments is this: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” If we are willing to forgive others; show mercy and compassion toward others; if we can give others the benefit of the doubt why can’t we show the same courtesy to ourselves. Why risk losing yourself under years of self-sabotage and unrealistic expectations? 

We are not doing God any favors or helping his cause by punishing ourselves and being unforgiving. What we are doing is denying and rejecting his love toward us. We are demonstrating that we don’t trust him or his credibility. We’re skeptical of his power.  It is tragic to program our minds with anything other than the truth. The truth is that forgiveness is available for you, too. If God knows you better than you know yourself and he can forgive you, change your mindset and follow his lead.

Nesha Danae shared on a recent conference call how the workings of our minds can manifest in physically undesirable ways. If our minds are overrun with negative thoughts about ourselves; if we refuse to give ourselves a break; embrace our own humanity; there isn’t enough medication in the world to counteract the damage.  

According to Dr. Steven Standiford, "It's important to treat emotional wounds or disorders because they really can hinder someone's reactions to the treatments, even someone's willingness to pursue treatment.” A reluctance to offer forgiveness can actually make people ill and that illness can become permanent.  Doctors have even resorted to employing Forgiveness Therapy to help patients suffering from disease. 

Pastor Michael Barry, the author of the Forgiveness Project warned, "Harboring negative emotions like anger and hatred, creates a state of chronic anxiety. Chronic anxiety very predictably produces excess Adrenaline and Cortisol, which deplete the production of natural killer cells-- your body's foot soldiers in the fight against diseases like Cancer."

Forgive. Now. Today.

You are one of the people in need of your forgiveness. 

Don’t withhold it.

WEDNESDAY THOUGHTS: CONFRONTATION

One of the best pieces of advice I was ever given was this:

STOP RUNNING, AND CONFRONT.

Some things AREN'T a matter of right or wrong. How people think, or why they do, what they do, the way they do it, isn't always simple. So many factors come into play: upbringing, culture, education, exposure, past experiences, influences, trauma, habit, etc...

Differences don't have to cause conflict, but that's what happens when respect and compromise go missing, and gossip and speculation and judgment takes the place of confrontation. 

There are some things you don't "lighten up" about, and you don't allow yourself to be manipulated into thinking you have to. Some things have been allowed for far too long, and have attained normalcy status, when they are anything BUT normal. 

There's different, and then there's trifling. There's a little dirt, and then there's HAZMAT. There's spirited conversation, and then there's assault. You know the difference. Don't relax yourself into a state where you are unwilling or unable to see what's in front of you. The things you refuse to confront can literally make you sick.

Sometimes you have to call out people and circumstances--even yourself--and leave the sugarcoating for another day. No matter how long it takes for you to comprehend this, it's a hallelujah day when you do. 

It's time out for people just bullying and bulldozing their way and expecting others to keep quiet about their destructive ways. Things left unsaid are heavy and unhealthy to your mind and body. Some people are waiting for you to speak up so they can tell you what they think of you. Truth is, that they really don't know how much they should keep that door closed, and how much about them will be exposed if they keep pushing. They don't really want to hear what you have been keeping to yourself. If the truth is the light, they're going to need some very good shades.

Perhaps you don't think you should HAVE to say anything, but slowly simmering is never a good idea unless you're making spaghetti sauce. The seeming oblivion and clueless antics of others demand that you abandon your aversion to confrontation. Sometimes people DON'T know that they're being jerks because no one has ever checked them. Everyone just tiptoes about, bites their tongues, and then release rant after critical rant after the offenders are gone. The only person who is going to benefit from a good redress is the person who has offended, NOT the people who are left to clean up the messes the offenders left behind.

Suffering in silence and being motivated by Mercy have limits. No one should have a problem with you speaking up for what is right, reasonable, and fair unless they are benefiting from what isn't. When people reach their limits; when they get tired of being messed with and over, too often the question loaded with sarcasm is, "What's wrong with him/ her/ them?" The questions loaded with remorse SHOULD be "What makes me think I don't have to regard the feelings, needs, rights, standards, and property of others? What makes me think I have the right to ruin what belongs to someone else, and treat it like garbage? What makes me think others should just accept my @##$%! and get over it?"

People can do whatever they want. This is, of course, America. But when they enter your little slice of it, as gracious as you may be, you don't lay down your standards in favor of those who have clearly abandoned theirs. You don't turn a blind eye and stop caring because others have demonstrated that they don't. Some people are laboring under the misapprehension that YOUR world needs rocking, and they aim to bring a little disorder because that's how THEY roll.

Anyone who thinks you should put up with, or excuse inconsideration of ANY kind ANYWHERE--particularly where you live or work--has demonstrated precisely how they feel about you. Some people are very cavalier with their "Get over it" or "Let it go" until they're faced with what they expect others to shrug off.  Yes. Pick your battles, but being a doormat, allowing thoughtlessness, and "going along to get along" can get awfully exhausting.

Unburden yourself. There's a difference between forgiveness and capitulation.

Whatever "it" is, stop saying it's okay when it isn't. 

#youteachpeoplehowtotreatyou

#aintnobodygottimeforthat

CAREGIVER DIARIES: STAY CREATIVE

She was patiently walking through the theater. 

I hadn't planned to take any photographs, but I looked up, saw her, and had a brief geek moment. 

It occurred to me that I wasn't dreaming. 

I was there, too. 

For a second I couldn't believe it. 

"That's THE Patti Austin" I told myself, "and I'm not going to be in a seat holding on to the ticket I bought. 

I'm going to be onstage, behind a microphone, singing". 

I really needed to sing. I didn't realize how much. The music was healing.

I was so happy that I hadn't turned down the opportunity. 

Any time something comes up; any time someone phones and asks, "Vanessa can you...?", my first thought is always my Dad. 

I've turned down quite a bit in my time as a caregiver, between 2005 and now. I don't regret my decisions, but it took me a minute to grasp the concept of self-care. 

It took me a while to extract the inconsideration and selfishness that I'd imposed upon it. 

Others may not do what you do, the way you do it, but then, they don't have to. 

What's required is integrity, trust, attention, and caring. 

If there are those who fit the criteria, don't be afraid to reach out to them. 

Don't be afraid to take a break.

Singing brings me so much joy. 

It's one of those sustaining things that I realize I should never totally abandon. 

Being a caregiver means your life will be greatly altered, but it doesn't mean you can't have a life.
  
I admit I've been hesitant about asking for help, but I knew I would have to. I reached out to everyone to let them know I would be out of the house. I know there are some friends who, if they can't do anything else, will phone periodically. 

Others, who I've dubbed "The Angels" will just show up without provocation. 

I still believe caregivers have to be prudent about who they reach out to, but if you are a caregiver, reach out. Do it. 

Many times, people don't know what it is that you need. 

There are times when you will feel like you shouldn't have to ask, but the fact is, you signed up for the job, not them, and it's not fair to expect people to be mind readers. 

You definitely need a team of dependable people, and even they need a little notice. 

I think people mean well when they say, "Call me if you need me". The truth is that, as willing as they may be, circumstances in their own lives may preclude them from doing what may be in their hearts. 

I knew that I would be away for a few days, and I wanted to know that my Dad would be okay. Everyone I asked to check on him did just that. 

I was able to go to Reading, Pennsylvania, sing with one of my favorite performers, enjoy the company of friends, (and those wonderfully chewy Doubletree Hotel cookies), and sleep in a bed that made me rethink my own pillow situation at home.   

The trip was wonderful. 

Patti is delightful and witty, wise and smart. Her voice is just as strong today as it was the first time I heard it. 

She has a bionic ear and has clearly studied her craft. 

She's gracious, kind, and encouraging. 

She was a caregiver, too, and wasn't selfish about sharing with me, not only the importance of taking care of myself, but the importance of remaining creative-- whether through writing or art. 

She has very definite opinions, and is not the least bit shy about sharing them. 

She is an ambassador. 

When she shares words of wisdom, it's as if she's somehow vested in whether or not you heed them. 

She's a champion for women, and is concerned about the paths that young women take that can negatively impact the longevity of their careers and lives. 

From religion, to politics, to interpersonal relationships, to the nuances of the music, her speak is sprinkled with colorful adjectives. She is a force. 

She's a walking, talking history book.

It wasn't the first time I was honored to be one of her background vocalists, but every time is memorable, and leaves me feeling so much better than I did when the work began. 

I can't say it enough. The environment in which you work matters.

Nothing about the trip was rushed. 

I was able to rest. 

Everything outside my windows--from the trains, to the vans, to the hotels and back--made me smile.

It's true, as a caregiver, it's important that you stay connected to the things you love to do, as well as the people who motivate and encourage you. 

Listen to yourself. 

Refresh yourself. 
It's okay to say "Yes".