Everyone who knows me can tell you that I don't like to argue. I don't like confrontation or
bullies. I don't respond well to pressure, threats, ultimatums, or
manipulation. I learned that a long, long time ago.
Safety and Care and Harmony
are my dear friends.
I think that peace and cooperation are two of the most
wonderful things in the world, and should be sought as diligently as gold.
I
try live a relatively calm existence. When I come out to play, I'm not looking
for a fight--ever. I try to be pleasant. It's the way I was raised. Being unkind,
selfish, or a nuisance wasn't allowed. My Mom always said, "Be a
lady". That generally meant:
1. don't embarrass or bring unnecessary attention
to myself,
2. don't cause trouble
3. don't make waves, scenes, or any other
aggravating moves
4. Be nice.
5. Be kind.
6. Be respectful.
7. Be helpful.
8. Avoid trouble.
I have the funny feeling that the "Be a
lady" criteria that I was compelled to adopt, translated that I am somehow a
pushover who is completely incapable of pushing back. You get the feeling that the people in your life are thinking, "It's okay. Walk all over her. Be inconsiderate. She won't mind."
My Mom's "Be a
lady" lesson was taught in South East, DC, by the way. All that means is:
1. South East has often gotten a bad rap.
2. Just because one doesn't choose to use certain
words (and all of their colorful combinations) to repel and combat the
antagonistic imps in their lives, doesn't mean one doesn't know them.
I’d be a bazillionaire if I had a dollar for every
time I heard someone say, “She’s a sweetheart!” or “She’s so sweet”.
Don’t you
know that as even-tempered as you try to be, there’s always someone looking to
challenge you; push your buttons; knock you off of your game, or see if you
have a breaking point? We all have another side.
Yes. I, too, have another side. I’ve seen her. I don’t let her come out to play much because she is
something else! She spent so much time suppressing what she should have
confronted a long time ago, that when she does finally speak up, she has a
tendency to go overboard. She has taught me very well, in my AARP years, about the importance of
saying what you need to say, when you need to say it. It’s not that filter-less,
careless speech that doesn’t care how it affects others, but it’s that freeing
speech that reduces the stress in my life. It is honest and authentic, but
loving and firm. It leaves room for reconciliation.
Sometimes you will
have to raise your voice, be assertive, and establish boundaries, and there may
seem to be no polite, ladylike way to do it. What's the limit, then? How far is too
far? Yeah, you're "supposed to be a Christian", as some people are so
quick to remind you after they've
behaved badly, but sometimes situations call for you to channel your inner
turning-over-tables-in-the-temple, Jesus. What would Jesus do? He'd represent
well, be upfront, tell the truth (minus the complimentary sugar-coating), and not bring shame
to the family.
I was reminded of a lady who told me she uses
blessed anointing oil as a weapon. She sensed my non-confrontational
sheepishness one day and asked, "Do you have any oil, Baby?"
"Yes Ma'am", I answered. "Well, do you use it? Look, people know not to mess with me. When they see me
going in my pocket book, they know they're going to have to put all of their
clothes in the cleaners..."
I really didn't know how to respond to that other
than laugh, but she was deadly serious. It occurred to me that some situations
and people demand that you be steady, unwavering and sure.
I just don't want to go through life in defensive
mode-- forever on the lookout for impending offenses. Been there, and it’s not
my cup of tea. The Bible says “the mind
governed by the Spirit is life and peace”.
Becoming reclusive because of what might be lurking
outside isn't an appealing thought; neither is going along with stuff just to
keep the peace, or to appease the demanding people in your life. There's got to
be a balance. There has to be something between retreating to a hole and
hibernating, and wiling out so badly that you need to be restrained. The goal is
mental steadiness, emotional stability, creating a habit of calm behavior and
sound judgment. We can share David’s testimony in Psalm 94:19-- “When anxiety was great within me, your
consolation brought me joy”.
I simply do not like arguments--even if I'm not in
them! Flight is a convenient, easy
response. I know now that walking away, shutting down, or falling silent are in
fact responses--and they're not often received well. As a matter of fact, for
some people, removing yourself from an argument or declining a confrontation
and shutting down can be more aggravating than if you punched them in the face!
Unpleasant or not, sometimes you just have to engage, if for no other reason
than to free, and stand up for yourself.
Some people tend to want your consent. Others want
to control you. Still others seek to change you. Then there are the rather
scary ones who think they own you.
How about those who think you should be forever indebted to them? I can't leave
out those who expect you to be at their beck and call, as if you're super-glued
to your computer or phone. You'll know exactly who in your life falls into
which category the first time you say "No." and mean it. That one tiny word separates
the understanding friends from the freakishly controlling acquaintances and
strangers.
Orders, demands, drama, stress, power plays,
arrogance, tantrums, threats--stuff like that just plain make my eyelashes
hurt, especially when they show up all willy-nilly where they don't need to be!
(Want me to transform into an unresponsive, oblivious lump of total
disinterest? Try to turn what I love to do into a chore by being unreasonable,
unkind, and imposing a lot of useless, unnecessary, time consuming
requirements.)
Sometimes, people want you to respond to their mania
with fear and trembling. When you don't,
they don't understand. You're accused of being aloof, or not serious enough.
The fact is, some things just don't deserve
that much attention or encouragement. You’ve
got to pick your battles, and everything doesn’t deserve your endorsement,
investment, or participation.
Contentious situations and difficult people tended
to suck the life out of me! I had to acknowledge, though, that every time I
found myself burdened or frustrated, I allowed
it.
Difficult People 101. It's the one course in God's
summer school that I've had to keep retaking over and over again. In the past,
I have opted to leave a situation altogether, before I wasted energy or time
tangled with someone who seemed to be itching for trouble. There's a price to
pay for non-compliance. Sometimes it's flat out punishment. You're punished for engaging, and you're punished for
retreating. There’s got to be a better
way. I learned there's such a thing as
"good stress", but bad stress is not
an option.
Maybe it's unrealistic to want peace all of the
time, but I can hope, can't I? Maybe the most exasperating question of all was
asked by the late Rodney King: "Can't we all just get along?" I wish
the answer could be an enthusiastic "Yes!", but that would mean that
someone would expect you to abandon yourself and become just like them, or
follow their lead so they'll be happy—but
what about you and your well-being?
Someone is always starting something! Why?
And why is it always with those who least want to engage? It's the devil, I
tell ya. “Ain’t nobody got time for
that!” lol…
My very wise daughter said, "People don't know what buttons to push,
but the enemy does." The mistake
many make, however, is picking on, and pushing the buttons of someone who they
think can't, or won't finish a thing. Many have learned the hard way what the
embarrassing consequences are of picking on mild-mannered people who don't make
a habit of picking on anyone. It's
what people think of themselves that gives them the idea that it's okay to be a
jerk toward others. It's true. We really do
teach others how to treat us, and when they learn the lesson well, and behave
less than respectfully, friendly, fairly, graciously, honestly or considerably
toward us, I suppose we can't be mad, can
we? We taught them.
I was watching the film 'Love, Actually" and
was struck by the lines Hugh Grant spoke in his role as Prime Minister: He said, "I love that word "relationship". It covers all manner of
sins, doesn't it?...A friend who bullies us is no longer a friend, and since
bullies only respond to strength, from now onward, I will be prepared to be
much stronger..."
I said "Wow" out loud, and replayed that
portion of the DVD like it was a sermon.
Perhaps it's time for new lessons--not born out of any vindictive spirit, but just
because it's time. Lessons in
establishing boundaries; making choices; asking for what we want; saying what
we mean; speaking up; avoiding procrastination; being fearless; being firm;
recognizing priorities; examining relationships; saying "no" and
meaning it, knowing your limitations; listening to your body; refusing to
accept abuse of any kind; only taking on what you know you can handle; only
promising when you know you can follow through; enjoying your favorite snack or
dessert when you’re NOT sad, stressed, frustrated or upset; being authentic;
genuine.
The Message Bible translates a portion of Luke
12:1-3 this way. “You can’t keep your
true self hidden forever; before long you’ll be exposed. You can’t hide behind
a religious mask forever; sooner or later the mask will slip and your true face
will be known. You can’t whisper one thing in private and preach the opposite
in public…”
Maybe it's time to stop running, stop retreating,
stop caving, stop abandoning our own wants and wishes, and re-introduce our
stronger, stable, sure-footed selves to
ourselves. It’s time for a balanced existence.
The Message Bible translation of Romans 13:11-14
reads,
“But
make sure that you don’t get so absorbed and exhausted in taking care of all
your day-by-day obligations that you lose track of the time and doze off,
oblivious to God… We can’t afford to waste a minute; must not squander these
precious daylight hours in frivolity and indulgence, in sleeping around and
dissipation, in bickering and grabbing everything in sight. Get out of bed and
get dressed! Don’t loiter and linger, waiting until the very last minute. Dress
yourselves in Christ, and be up and about!”
I like that…: )
#justkeepgoing
#DEW4U
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