CAREGIVER DIARIES: LESSONS

Yesterday was my Dad's 90th birthday.

As his caregiver, I think about his needs and wants regularly. 

I also think about my late mother on a regular basis--her charm, her poise, and her grace. 

I remember her intelligence, and eloquence; her cool; her ability to let things slide (or maybe it was just that she didn't complain out loud, and took her issues to God in prayer.)

I think about her candor, tact, and fearlessness when something needed to be addressed; 

her ability to see a need, assess her qualifications to meet it, and get the job done-- in spite of distractions and attempts at sabotage.

She was not loud, rowdy, or rude. She was not easily provoked. She was not passive, but she was classy, wise, and discerning. 

She minded her own business. 

She was one in whom others could confide. If you told her something, you didn't hear it again, unless she was talking to you. 

She was never entangled in controversy. 

She was a leader and a good follower. 

She may not have said much, but she didn't miss much. 

When silly church ladies would hit on my Dad in front of her, and he would ask her how she felt about it, she wouldn't fly off the handle. She would laugh and say, "Oh, Bob, that lady has feelings, too. Maybe she's lonely." 

My mother's cool would infuriate them, and puzzle him. 

She wasn't jealous, petty, envious or catty. She was extremely secure. She was never entangled in mess and confusion. 

People would impose and be inconsiderate, but she was always gracious.

She took very good care of her home, was an exemplary employee, a dedicated friend, and always admonished us to take care of what was ours. She would always say, "Take care of what belongs to someone else, as if it was your own".

Sometimes I wish she hadn't taught me so well.

When she was sick, my Dad took care of her. 

I know if she had lived, and the tables were turned, she would have done the same for him-- with diligence.

Many days I ask myself, "What would my Mommy do? What would she say?"

For years I witnessed people be less than kind to her; disrespect her; think they could walk all over her; and sometimes, in her own home. She, however, was consistent. "Tit for tat" wasn't her way.

This is the fourth time that I have been my Dad's caregiver. 

This time, unlike before, it became apparent that I needed to leave DC and become a Maryland resident. 

This time, like before, I am faced with the test of difficult people. This time, however, escaping back to the peace and quiet of Southeast/Southwest DC is an option, but not one I will take. 

I've once again, made a commitment. 

I've also, once again, reminded myself that Goliath had brothers. 

I think about my mother, and it strengthens me. She had to be one tough, patient cookie.

God's tests are funny. 

Just when you think, "Oh, I've got this!", people will show up just to make you think you don't. 

They'll behave so badly, so regularly, that they make you want to abandon ship, throw in the towel, and say "Oh, hell no. I'm not doing this".  

It's in those times, that you have to keep a determined focus on the principal thing. Remind yourself of the what, who, and why of what you do, and ignore everything else. 

No one is more vulnerable than the elderly. 

They are targets. Ruthless people abound, and someone in place to protect and advocate for them, is critical. Someone in place to care for them is also a problem for those who have an unashamed history of taking advantage of them.

My Dad's desire has always been to be in his home. 

What that means for me, is honoring his wishes, being in a very familiar place, handling the things my mother cherished, occupying the spaces in which she found comfort, and subjecting myself to much that I would ordinarily not have to tolerate. 

It means dealing with all manner of people, who are neither my friends nor acquaintances. 

I hear and see a lot, and some things, frankly, I don't want to know, but I now know that everything I experience--the good, the bad and the crazy-- is necessary fodder for the test God intends for me to pass.

I've noticed changes in myself. 

My perception of certain people has been severely altered. 

My skin is thicker. 

My tolerance level is lower. 

My discernment is through the roof. 

My eyes are open. 

I am thrilled with, and appreciate some people in ways I didn't before. 

I am unhappy with, and disappointed in others. 

I didn't know some people could be so kind and thoughtful. 

I didn't know that others could be so evil and conniving.

On two occasions since I have been his caregiver, I have gone off in a way that my mother would not have been proud of--or maybe she would have! Maybe I misunderstood my childhood narrative. 

Maybe my mother is watching over me saying "Well it's about time that girl found her voice! You tell 'em baby!" 
What I had to learn was something she knew well: 

Confrontation is not a bad thing, and neither is telling the truth in love. Don't just allow things to build up. Address them immediately. 

As a caregiver, it is a privilege to be present for one's parent. 

With that comes responsibility--and headaches--not because of the illness, the aging, or the work involved, but from outside forces bent on causing confusion. 

People fail to realize that things have changed. 

I don't know how many times I have to say it. 

What may have been a bustling home with a revolving door, and an open door policy, is suddenly void of it's able-bodied host and gracious, hospitable hostess. 

It is, nonetheless, a home. It is a place where people live. 
It still has to be maintained. 

There are standards, rules and modes of operation, and routines. 

The things that, perhaps, you as a visitor used to be able, and allowed to do, are no longer prudent or feasible. 

Plans, expectations, and attitudes demand adjusting.

The person who maintains the home of an aging or elderly person, and is tasked to care for his or her parent, is neither insignificant, a pushover, a slave, nor a peon. That person is not an employee of anyone outside of the home. Stop expecting caregivers to answer to, serve, or cater to you. Be considerate. 
If you don't share DNA, you are not entitled to personal information. You don't have all access. 

You don't deserve answers. 

The worse thing you can do is aggravate a caregiver, and demonstrate that you are an instigator, an enemy, an opportunist, or a busybody.

The caregiver needs neither micromanagement, supervision, nor drama and stress. Those are things that some people seem to possess in great supply. What the caregiver needs is help that counts. 

Caring for an elderly or ailing individual is tough enough without having to deal with the nosiness, insensitivity, intrusion, demands, irresponsibility, and meddling of others. 

Too many people demand to know what's going on, do little or nothing of any significance, and endeavor to bully their way into a situation that is frankly, none of their business. 

If one is not going to help, one should not hurt. 

If one says one is going to do something, one should follow through. If one is being paid to do something, it should be done thoroughly, efficiently, and effectively. 

One should not be a nuisance. 

Phoning at all hours, dropping by unannounced, sabotaging dietary restrictions, bringing mess and gossip, and a contentious spirit, are all things that people should not even think about doing if they expect to be welcomed.

People however, do what they are allowed to do. They also act on, speak about, and form opinions based upon what they have been told.

I challenge everyone who is in any way involved in a caregiving situation to ask yourself whether your actions help or hurt. 

Ask yourself what motivates you. 

Ask yourself if you're making work, or helping to get it done. 

People who have an arrogant sense of entitlement are the worst. 

No. You can't come to another person's home and do what you want to do. 

No. You can't treat another person's home like a cheap motel. 

If you're on vacation, perhaps an elderly or ailing person's home is the wrong place to visit. No one will be chauffeuring or cleaning up after you, nor will they be amused by, nor patient with your penchant for being a trifling slob. 

I thought about some of the things my Dad always says. 

When we asked him what he wanted for his birthday, he said, " All I just want a closer walk with Thee". 

The "Thee" in his request was of course, God. 

We knew, and he knew that he was the only one who could do something about that. We could only offer encouragement. 

I thought some more about the many things he has taught not only my siblings and me, but others. 

Some are verbatim, and some are paraphrased, but here they are:

1. Address the irresponsible things that people say. Loose lips sink ships.

2. Find out if what you've heard is completely true before you act on it, or form an opinion about it. If you have no evidence or actual facts, perhaps you should keep quiet and not be guilty of spreading a lie.

3. Reserve judgment of others, especially if you are only in possession of one side of a story.

4. Demonizing, distracting, complaining, fault-finding, criticizing, flip-flopping, lying, sowing seeds of discord. These are the actions of a manipulator. Don't be gullible.

5. Never mind the business of others. It is a mistake to grant yourself authority or responsibility where it is not authorized, welcome, or wanted.

6. If what you do is poorly motivated it will show...and stink. Always ask yourself why you do what you do. If it is just to get back at, compete with, upset, or bother others you may as well have done nothing at all.

7. Ask yourself why people tell you certain things. Remember, a dog that will bring a bone will carry one.

8. Leadership depends upon followers. If you have a problem with the leader, go to the leader, not another follower. Attempting to undermine the leader while remaining in the organization will backfire. Again: A dog that will bring a bone will carry one.

9. Consider the state of mind of the person who is always in your ear; who is up early in the morning blowing up the phones of others; always eager to tell what they know; always looking for something to hang over the head of someone else; always looking to bring someone down. Are they insecure, angry, jealous, bitter, disappointed, confused, impaired, or troubled. Have they been demoted, ostracized, or ignored because of their history of causing strife and division? Do they have an agenda? Only a person who likes mess will become a receptacle for it.

10. If someone comes to you with gossip, find the person they're talking about, and get them in the room or on the line. That will stop that foolishness.

11. Think about what you're doing, then ask yourself how you would feel if it was done to you.

12. Never compete with people who are not in competition with you.

13. Mess and confusion has no place in any organization, let alone the church. Be sure that you are not a part of the strife that exists.

14. Only a fool will tear down his or her own house. Never allow anyone to do anything in your house that you don't or can't do. Don't let people tear down your house in order to build up theirs.

15. People like to brag about what they had to do. They like to think they saved the day. They like to show up for the big things where they can be seen and acknowledged or rewarded. You can't find them when it comes  to the things that need to be done day to day.

16. People will tell you anything. Use your head.

17. On the job document everything so that no one will ever be able to say what you didn't do.

18. We don't recognize the things that we should. Let the people who vacuum, cut grass, dust, and clean the toilets stop doing it, and see what happens.

19. Sometimes people give you advice based on what they would want if they were in your shoes, and not what's best for you, or what pertains to your unique situation.

20. You can't please everybody. Stop trying.

21. Don't be silly. If a man wants you, you'll know it. Don't no man want a silly woman. Oh, he might mess with her, but that's all, and he don't want nobody to know about it.

22. I don't want to say or do anything that's not pleasing in God's sight.

23. Look like who you represent.

24. A lot of people don't want the job. They want to revolutionize it. You can't go into a place that's already established and think you're 

going to change it overnight. You'll get your feelings hurt.

25. Everyone is not your friend.

26. Trying to get attention can get you ignored.

Do your best. That's all you can do. An honest C is better than a dishonest A.

27. Some people will always have their hands out. Try to help people as much as you can, but don't let them take advantage of you.

28. Know the difference between your friends and acquaintances.

29.  No one can make you do anything.

30. A real man takes care of and covers his family. Home comes first.