CAREGIVER DIARIES: THE WISDOM OF STRANGERS

I'm beginning to think that my Lyft rides are divinely ordered. 

Rita, my Lyft driver yesterday evening, was like a mobile therapist and counselor. From Fort Washington to College Park, she shared that she had been the primary live-in caregiver for her grandfather in New York, until he passed away, and is now her father's caregiver. When he was diagnosed with colon cancer, she said she was stunned. Her father had never been ill, at least not that she knew of. 

It was amazing how similar our stories were. Although his PSA had been unusually high, prostate cancer was ruled out, but tests revealed inoperable polyps in her father's colon. Eighty percent of his colon had to be removed. Following surgery, she welcomed him into her home after recovery. 

"It's not easy sometimes, but I promised him that I would do my best to take care of him for the rest of his life.", she said.

She made me laugh when she talked about trying to keep his favorite juices around the house--and out of the hands of her children. "I'm trying to teach them to enjoy water! I know what my dad likes, so I buy it and keep it in his room so he can have it when he wants it. If they got their hands on it, it would be gone in a day!" 

Her tone, attitude, and insight was so encouraging. She empathized with the toll that aging and illness took, and is taking on her loved ones: 

The perceived loss of independence 

The frustration 

The need to lash out 

The penchant to give up

The resentment about not being the center of other people's worlds

The anger when those who one has assisted, at one time or another, don't return the favor and happily make themselves available. 

Among the things she shared were the often repeated pearls of wisdom that many caregivers embrace later than sooner: 

"Don't forget to take care of yourself"

"Make time for your friends, and the things you like to do"

"I know it's hard, but don't take anything personally, or your feelings will be hurt every other day", and 

"You can't worry about what other people think. They're not there. You are."

She chose Lyft as a way to supplement her income after being laid off from her job. She said she would love to be able to work from home again. Her old job afforded her that opportunity. That kind of employment would be ideal, she said, not just from a mom's standpoint but from a caregiver's. She said she enjoys meeting and chatting with people each day. It keeps her connected. Driving is freeing and a way to just get out for a few hours. Even though there's another person, or other people on board, it's relaxing and reduces anxiety. It takes her mind off of the stress that can periodically be found at home. 

I've learned that no one can be more uplifting and helpful than another caregiver. I don't think most people have any idea what the task entails. If they did, they'd offer suggestions and criticism less, and a helping hand more. Rita and I agreed that people can be incredibly inconsiderate and thoughtless. Some have an uncanny way of maximizing, glamorizing, wanting points for, and boasting about the one random thing they did during a few hours on a single day, while arrogantly minimizing what a caregiver does twenty-four/seven on hundreds of days. 

The key is to remain focused. A caregiver can't confide in everyone; can't share their concerns with everyone, and is, unfortunately, not supported by everyone. Sadly, there are people in the life of the caregiver and the ailing or aged person, who are waiting for failure, a funeral, an argument, an opening, a departure, an emergency, or their opportunity to say, "I told you so".

Caregivers need genuine support. Many times, the greatest support, resources and advice comes from strangers whose understanding alone forges an alliance that gives a caregiver just the lift (pun intended) he or she needs to carry on. 
Caregiving is work--chosen work--but work nonetheless. It is often scrutinized, demeaned, and thankless work, and no one knows the reasons why a caregiver continues to do it anyhow, like another caregiver does.

I can't say it enough. Caregivers have made a choice. It is an admirable one, but a choice just the same. There's no law that says one has to assume the responsibility of caring for a loved one. If you have assumed the responsibility, you are STILL the captain of your time, energy, resources and effort. 

Identify how far you can reasonably stretch yourself and respect your limitations. As much as possible, stay connected to those things and people that are vital to you. Yes. There will be those who meddle, micromanage and harass you. There will be those who are frighteningly anxious to demonize you. Neutralize the stress they bring by remaining close to those who genuinely love, help, encourage, and replenish you. 

Recognize when you have few allies from the ailing person's circle. You don't have to be bosom buddies, but the ailing person's peers can be just the people who understand when you need a break. 

Appreciate those who understand the weight of your responsibility and seek to lighten the load. Ignore those who, by their actions and selfish expectations, prove they have no clue.

Again--take care of yourself.