WEDNESDAY THOUGHTS: SURROGATES

Another debate tonight. 

Sure. I'll be watching...and then like many of my fellow Americans, I'll want to run away...lol. 

No. We're not going anywhere. We have seen the peaceful exchange of power in our democracy forever...no matter how bizarre, disappointing or questionable it has been...and remained hopeful...and sober.

*sigh*

This election cycle is interesting to say the least. 

Not all, but certain individuals in one group that stand out even more than the candidates, and offer a new level of humor, incredulity, and lunacy, are called surrogates.

Listening to supposedly intelligent people argue on behalf of ignorance,  has stopped being funny. The stammering and blank stares used to be amusing. Now, it's just pathetic and sad. 

One's integrity cannot be for sale. 

You KNOW when someone is in over their heads, and is being controlled and manipulated. 

You can see it, in their body language, how desperately they want to embrace the truth, but there's a payoff in preaching lies. 

You want to ask: 

"Is that what you truly believe, or is your mind being governed by the effects of a past trauma or disappointment? 

Who, or what hurt you so much that it has rendered you stubborn and unable to discern truth and light from error and darkness? 

Is your stance because you are desperately trying to distance yourself from something or someone who hurt you? 

Is it because you now look in the mirror, and loathe what you see? 

Is it because someone has convinced you that what, and who you are, is somehow deficient? 

Is it a lack of love and attention that is fueling this love affair with unreasonable behavior and irrational thought? 

What is it that compels you to brand yourself a laughingstock; to expose your own judgment to ridicule, as you stand in defense of the indefensible? What is behind the praise of a fool; a liar; an opportunist; a con, that has only served to make you appear foolish? 

What possesses a person to represent evil; to defend evil as good; to speak proudly in support of stupidity, dysfunction, ignorance, and incompetence? 

What is there to gain? Is there a payoff or some anticipated reward? 

How hard can one's heart be; how ill one's mind, to see and hear all manner of hate, selfishness, greed, and disrespect for humanity and say, "I support that"? 

There is no greater way to ostracize oneself, than to become an agent of hate. 

There is a difference between being unique, and independent, and being a puppet.

CAREGIVER DIARIES: THE WISDOM OF STRANGERS

I'm beginning to think that my Lyft rides are divinely ordered. 

Rita, my Lyft driver yesterday evening, was like a mobile therapist and counselor. 

From Fort Washington to College Park, she shared that she had been the primary live-in caregiver for her grandfather in New York, until he passed away, and is now her father's caregiver. When he was diagnosed with colon cancer, she said she was stunned. Her father had never been ill, at least not that she knew of. 

It was amazing how similar our stories were. Although his PSA had been unusually high, prostate cancer was ruled out, but tests revealed inoperable polyps in her father's colon. Eighty percent of his colon had to be removed. Following surgery, she welcomed him into her home after recovery. 

"It's not easy sometimes, but I promised him that I would do my best to take care of him for the rest of his life.", she said.

She made me laugh when she talked about trying to keep his favorite juices around the house--and out of the hands of her children. "I'm trying to teach them to enjoy water! I know what my dad likes, so I buy it and keep it in his room so he can have it when he wants it. If they got their hands on it, it would be gone in a day!" 

Her tone, attitude, and insight was so encouraging. She empathized with the toll that aging and illness took, and is taking on her loved ones: 

The perceived loss of independence 

The frustration 

The need to lash out 

The penchant to give up

The resentment about not being the center of other people's worlds

The anger when those who one has assisted, at one time or another, don't return the favor and happily make themselves available. 

Among the things she shared were the often repeated pearls of wisdom that many caregivers embrace later than sooner: 

"Don't forget to take care of yourself"

"Make time for your friends, and the things you like to do"

"I know it's hard, but don't take anything personally, or your feelings will be hurt every other day", and 

"You can't worry about what other people think. They're not there. You are."

She chose Lyft as a way to supplement her income after being laid off from her job. 

She said she would love to be able to work from home again. Her old job afforded her that opportunity. That kind of employment would be ideal, she said, not just from a mom's standpoint, but from a caregiver's. 

She said she enjoys meeting and chatting with people each day. It keeps her connected. Driving is freeing, and a way to just get out for a few hours. 

Even though there's another person, or other people on board, it's relaxing and reduces anxiety. It takes her mind off of the stress that can periodically be found at home. 

I've learned that no one can be more uplifting and helpful than another caregiver. 

I don't think most people have any idea what the task entails. If they did, they'd offer suggestions and criticism less, and a helping hand more. 

Rita and I agreed that people can be incredibly inconsiderate and thoughtless. Some have an uncanny way of maximizing, glamorizing, wanting points for, and boasting about the one random thing they did during a few hours on a single day, while arrogantly minimizing what a caregiver does twenty-four/seven on hundreds of days. 

The key is to remain focused. 

A caregiver can't confide in everyone; can't share their concerns with everyone, and is, unfortunately, not supported by everyone. 

Sadly, there are people in the life of the caregiver and the ailing or aged person, who are waiting for failure, a funeral, an argument, an opening, a departure, an emergency, or their opportunity to say, "I told you so".

Caregivers need genuine support. 

Many times, the greatest support, resources and advice comes from strangers, whose understanding alone forges an alliance that gives a caregiver just the lift (pun intended) he or she needs to carry on.

 
Caregiving is work--chosen work--but work nonetheless. It is often scrutinized, demeaned, and thankless work, and no one knows the reasons why a caregiver continues to do it anyhow, like another caregiver does.

I can't say it enough. 

Caregivers have made a choice. 

It is an admirable one, but a choice just the same. There's no law that says one has to assume the responsibility of caring for a loved one. 

If you have assumed the responsibility, you are STILL the captain of your time, energy, resources and effort. 

Identify how far you can reasonably stretch yourself and respect your limitations. 

As much as possible, stay connected to those things and people that are vital to you. 

Yes. There will be those who meddle, micromanage and harass you. There will be those who are frighteningly anxious to demonize you. Neutralize the stress they bring by remaining close to those who genuinely love, help, encourage, and replenish you. 

Recognize when you have few allies from the ailing person's circle. You don't have to be bosom buddies, but the ailing person's peers can be just the people who understand when you need a break. 

Appreciate those who understand the weight of your responsibility and seek to lighten the load. Ignore those who, by their actions and selfish expectations, prove they have no clue.

Again--take care of yourself.

WEDNESDAY THOUGHTS: ELECTION BLUES

I don't know what to make of Election 2016. 

I don't know whether to laugh, because it has some serious comedic tendencies, or cry because the world is watching and wondering if Americans have lost their collective minds.

Not nary one of us humans are perfect, but every day, in the interest of winning, the stuff that is dredged up, defended, swept under the rug, and explained away, is getting more sensational.

 

We've only got two choices.  

Everyone is expected to ride or die with their beloved, but deeply flawed candidate, whose closeted skeletons still have meat on them. 

Somehow we've confused being supportive and loving with being corrupt, delusional, and turning a blind eye. 

We're enabling dysfunction. 

I can be a supportive friend, without co-signing everything they do and say. 

If lying for you, and forfeiting my own opinions and views are prerequisites to being a friend, friendship is in trouble, and "support" needs a new definition.

Its always interesting to hear what people say they used to do, but don't do anymore. 

I kinda think everyone would be more impressed if a person's epiphanies weren't always followed by getting caught red-handed. 

We'd be more impressed if people forsook hatred and bigotry because it's just wrong.  

We'd be more impressed if the things people say they don't do anymore, weren't also the things they can't do anymore. 

That's not a sacrifice. 

Nobody gives a rat's behind because you're bragging about being done with the stuff you can't do anyway (without the assistance of big pharma). 

 Who cares if you've given up red meat, if you don't have any teeth with which to chew it? 

I'm so done with people trotting out their Christianity, too. What is it that makes people think that all God frowns upon is illicit sex, and abuse of drugs and alcohol? He isn't crazy about gossip, sowing seeds of discord, prejudice, deceit, injustice, lying, divisiveness, or nosiness either.

We have a president we could have all been proud of, but he's been dogged and opposed, and hated by members of Congress and segments of America since day one. I guess he's looking pretty good now...lol.

#TrumpTapes trended on Twitter, and people answered the republican candidate's most recent revelation by comparing his behavior to that of a former president in another exciting social media episode of "Whose Transgression is Worse?" 

Daily we hear surrogates try to make sense out of senselessness; explain what is indefensible, and make us listeners wonder if we have hearing and comprehension issues. 

They do it, while bearing countenances that scream, "I don't believe a word I'm saying, and I know you don't either".

My late mother was supportive of me, but I knew better than to expect her to uphold me when I was wrong. Fat chance that she would point out what some OTHER kid did that was worse in order to minimize my actions. 

If I was wrong, she would not make ANY excuses for me. 

She didn't do ANY of that because she knew she'd taught me to differentiate right from wrong. 

She taught me that every action was followed by a consequence. 

She knew that fueling wrongdoing by defending, dismissing, or ignoring it was not the way. 

She would swiftly correct me--for my own good and the good of everyone I would encounter.

It's amazing what and who people will fiercely defend or excuse...without blinking...with a straight face, in the name of support, or out of fear of losing a relationship, position, or possible future opportunity. 

You have to wonder what people are holding over the heads of others, in order to get them to abandon common sense, or make themselves seem ignorant, bigoted, selfish and void of morals or reason. 

I wonder how much a surrogate gets paid to lie, engage in double talk, and tarnish their own credibility? 
The singer, Adele is right. 

Election 2016 is embarrassing.

There's got to be some obscure rule; some loophole that will allow or force the Obamas to stop packing immediately.

 

America desperately needs a do over.

CONFRONTATION

My hero of the week is the mild-mannered, undecided voter, Carl Becker. The way his question at the end of the debate brought the two presidential candidates back to some semblance of adulthood was priceless. He was calm, but direct. He challenged two glasshouse dwellers to stop being childish. Mr. Becker's confrontation wasn't condescending or antagonistic. It was mature, thoughtful, steady, and humbling. 
Sometimes people are so busy defending their rightness, and fighting for their position that they've dulled and even shut off their hearing. They've made themselves laughable and pitiable. After Mr. Becker's rather unorthodox question about civility and respect, we all saw that the two candidates can listen. They can dismount their high horses and behave themselves. They can be brought down a peg. They can take a look at themselves and evaluate whether what they've been serving everyone is productive or destructive to themselves and their causes.

I used to think that confrontation was awful. Dealing with argumentative people is exhausting.

I now know that confrontation is only truly awful for the arrogant bully who doesn't have truth on his or her side. 

Ever encounter someone who's always charging at people; attacking, accusing and sniping at everyone? They do it because they think others should be afraid of them. They do it because they've decided they're right and everyone else is wrong. They do it because no one has probably ever checked or corrected them. They're probably used to everyone humoring them and excusing their behavior.

I've found that bullies can't take what they dish out, and are awfully offended when they get owned by someone they think is weaker that they are. Want to shut down a bully? Stand there and confront. Look closely. You'll see that volume has been masquerading as power. Sometimes, because of who people are, we neglect to, or are hesitant to confront. We've been taught that it's disrespectful. That's the biggest lie ever.

Abrasive people will stop the habit of misidentifying strong people when they get their faces cracked enough. Sometimes people need to be shown themselves by the very people in whom they think they inspire fear.

Just because someone tends to be quiet and easy-going doesn't mean they don't have the capacity to reduce you to a blubbering heap--or a civil one.

WEDNESDAY THOUGHTS: MUSIC MATTERS---SCHOOLED

I've always gotten so much joy from singing, and I'm grateful for the musical experiences I've had. 

Funny, but I've never actually pursued any of them. 

I just conclude that they're all special, compassionate gifts from God to encourage me, and cure me of my propensity to hide.

I noticed a particular thread that ran through each delightful experience of the past few weeks. 

I was in the presence of skilled, knowledgeable, noted individuals and their humility was outstanding. 

October 5 is World Teachers' Day, and I've concluded that Richard Smallwood, Steven Ford, Angela Winbush, Angie Stone, and Eric Benet are every bit as much educators as anyone in whose classroom I've sat, or received a grade.

 
In the eyes of the world and music industry, they're all stars. 

For me, their brightest light was revealed in their graciousness toward everyone, and their willingness to teach, perfect, and inspire. 

They endeavored to make everyone better. 

There was no grandstanding; no drama, just a wealth of knowledge, wisdom, humor, a passion for the music, and a tangible appreciation and respect for, and confidence in the people with whom they worked. Their expectations were high; they were patient, and made us all feel as if we really could do whatever they directed us to do.

 
It's sooooo nice to leave an experience feeling refreshed and happy; to leave a work environment and not feel as if you've labored at all, but you've been enriched.

I came away from it all thinking:

1. Things don't EVER have to be made to be more complicated than they are. That's neither impressive nor endearing.

2. There's nothing better than meeting people you admire, and finding they're just as cool and nice as you imagined.

3. Being teachable is an asset.

4. Mutual respect goes a long way.

5. Camaraderie is borne out of a common admiration and respect for what others bring to the table.

6. Accomplished people, who demonstrate confidence in you, may be daunting, but it's a sign that they see something that perhaps, you don't. Believe them, and do your best.

7. Respect the work. Do your homework.

8. Doing the necessary work adds value...so does going the extra mile.

9. Some alliances add credibility to what you do, and open other doors.

10. Listen attentively. Take constructive criticism.

11. Teamwork is vital.

12. Recognize and appreciate competent leadership.

13. Good work ethic is transferable to every situation.

14. Do your part. Know your strengths and limitations.

15. Be prepared. Be proactive. Be consistent.

16. Be grateful, gracious, kind, and appreciative.

17. Ask pertinent questions. The answers may be helpful to everyone.

18. Don't be selfish or arrogant. Share information. Help when you can.

19. A group that hasn't succumbed to "groupthink" is the best.

20. People remember your skill AND dependability.

21. When one element of a thing shines, the whole thing shines.

22.So many relationships--personal and working--are forfeited by putting oneself in, or allowing oneself to be placed in a box.

23. Have fun.

24. Have fun.

25. Have fun.

HINDRANCES

It's not always the surface of the floor. It's not always the inconsistency of one's steps, pace, or stride. It's not always one's strength, stamina or muscle tone. It's not that one isn't careful or is inattentive. It's not that one's intentions aren't righteous. It's not that one is going the wrong way or should take another path. Sometimes it's the construction or condition of the shoe one chooses, or insists upon wearing, or refuses to discard that makes one stumble and fall.
What is it that is holding you fast that is keeping you from moving with ease? What is stubbornly snagging you? What is failing to go with you as you press forward? 
If it is a hindrance--no matter how comfortable it is; no matter how long it's been around--GET RID OF IT. 
Some things have reached the limit of their usefulness. That's especially true if it is causing you to trip. Time to embrace something new that works with you, not against you.