CAREGIVER DIARIES: BOUNDARIES

There's an acquaintance of my Dad who was determined to drive a wedge between him, my siblings, and me. 

He almost succeeded, and was actually quite full of himself that his manipulation had garnered him what he thought was a long walk on the family welcome mat. 

No one, however was the least bit pleased. 

Out of respect for Dad, he was tolerated. 

We failed to set boundaries. 

We won't make that mistake again.

He was actually telling people he was a family member. Even medical personnel at hospitals at which my Dad was admitted over the years, were under the impression that he was a relative.

 

He set himself up as a helper; bragging about what he does for Dad, when in reality, Dad rarely saw him. 

Their relationship began around, you guessed it—a substantial amount of money changing hands from Dad’s to his. 

He thought he’d hit the jackpot. 

He’d call Dad whenever he wanted money for one scheme or another, or a free meal. 

(If you phone someone, and offer to take them out for a meal, why should they always have to pay for the meal and gas? Why do you never have any money?)  

Why is the retired, widowed, fiercely independent senior citizen such an easy mark? No one wants to intrude, but there’s nothing like a prolonged health issue to reveal the state of a senior’s affairs. 

As a caregiver, you find out disturbing things you didn’t want to know about the people in your loved one’s life. 

When they fail miserably at conning you, too, they really don't like it.

Bizarre behavior was tolerated for years, and was bolstered by our silence, ignorance, and Dad's generosity and patience. 

We learned that the childhood narratives "Be polite" or "Mind your manners" do not apply to human snakes. 

When we finally compared notes, the jig was up.

Dad's "friend" has sent me Facebook friend requests from three different accounts bearing three different names. No. He is not in show business, and yes, he and his wife have been blocked. Yes. He has a wife and a family. Specifically, he has daughters.

It's amazing that a person, who has a family, could have so much idle time on his mischievous hands? 

He has phoned and sent text messages to my siblings and me, at unreasonable hours. 

He has sent bizarre letters, inappropriate greeting cards, and voicemail messages. 

He has even attempted to befriend my aunts under the guise of keeping them informed about Dad's life. 

He has created quite a bit of tension. No. That’s too mild. He has flat out lied. The madness finally came to a halt in July. He somehow got my brother's phone number, called him, and accused my sister of taking money out of Dad's bank account. I guess people think you're going to keep that kind of thing quiet--or keep their name out of it. 

It was the last straw. 

I'm learning that confrontation isn't such a bad thing after all. Some things need to be out in the open, and demand an explanation. 

Watching a devil try to backpedal their way out of their scheme is quite amusing. 

What is NOT amusing is finding out who's willing to believe a lie about you or your loved ones, and join ranks with those who seek to tear your family apart. 

There are two people who are not happy that Dad has chosen to sever ties with the individual. It means that he has taken a side, and for some reason the notion that he has sided with his children is repulsive and unacceptable.

The busybodies phone him almost every day to find out the status of the situation. "Have you talked to so and so? Does he still come by? Have you been out with him? Don't you miss your friend? Weren't you two very close?" 

They're always talking about how busy the Devil is, too. They should know. He is clearly, in this matter, their supervisor. 

 

What their goal is, I'm not sure, but they are certainly not winning any brownie points from me by sticking their noses into business that is not theirs, but, alas, there is motivation. One of them is having financial trouble again, and wants to sell her home that is in dire need of repairs. She can’t currently afford her bills, and suggested moving in with Dad to “help” him. 

Helping herself is more like it. 

She too, has a family. 

She has a history of phoning him whenever she needs oil for the winter, or can’t pay some other bill. When she lamented that she didn’t have money to travel to a family member’s funeral, Dad paid for her trip. 

She knows I do not tolerate Dad's "friend" and has now become his ally. 

He phones her now that he knows not to phone here. Now she daily pleads the friend’s case. 

Repeatedly, Dad informs her that his family is more important. 

She’s concluded that I'll most certainly leave Dad if he has a change of heart and the "friend" is allowed access again. 

She is, of course, sad, powerless, and most delusional. 

I'm not abandoning Dad, and 911 is an easy number to remember if I ever need to use it.

I'm always puzzled by people who phone each and every day, not to be encouraging, or offer help of any kind, but to stir up confusion. 

Their line of questioning is always the same. 

They gossip about others, and seek to find out what I’m doing, or if I’m still here. 

It makes me wonder what's going on in their own homes and families that could use their attention. 

It makes me wonder what on Earth they have been told. 

It also makes me know they don't care for Dad's welfare at all, otherwise, they would stop. 

Instead, they stew in their own juice, and fail to see how detrimental their divisive behavior is to their own health.

Dad has taken a stand. Hallelujah. 

It is foolish, crazy, asinine, and stupid to allow others to create drama in your home, while they enjoy peace in theirs. 

Stopping the busybodies in your life is simple. 

Stop telling them ALL of your business. 

Stopping the users and opportunists in your life is simple, too. Stop bragging about what you have. 

Be discerning about confiding in others. 

Notice how your friends impact your family. 

Set, and honor boundaries. 

People do what you ALLOW, and for some reason, think their recklessness will be welcomed by your family. 

If you do answer your phone, a busybody can bring up a subject twenty different ways, but you don't ever have to engage, or spill the tea. 

You don’t ever have to empty your guts about everything you know. 

Don't take the bite. 

When you find that a person is only concerned with perpetuating strife, you can, as politely as you know how, let them know that you are not interested in joining them...or feeding their obsession...or encouraging their nosiness.

There really, really, really is no kind way to tell someone to mind their own business. 

Sometimes, however, you just have to do it...and, perhaps, practice keeping your own mouth shut, so that you do not encourage familiar spirits to be more familiar than they already are. 

Some busybodies and users were invited in to your world by YOU. 

Your family members, however, shouldn't have to deal with the monsters YOU created. 

If they have to, they will. 

"Family friend" is a designation given by the consensus a family, not an individual family member. Check your friends. Don't allow anyone to disrespect or disregard your family. Don't you do it, either. 

Be discreet with what you say to others. 

Failure to tame your own tongue, may land you outside of the family information loop.

If you can’t keep a lid on your own business, don't be appalled that no one will trust you with theirs.

One busybody is all it takes to send crashing to the floor all that is already on a caregiver’s plate. 

Don't let their meddling go on too long. 

Don't laugh it off, or consider it harmless. 

Nip it. 

TODAY.