STAY FOCUSED

While watching the debate, it occurred to me that some things and people are deliberately, but unwisely planted distractions. They just want to be in the mix. They could be a positive force if they weren't so bent on being antagonistic--and if their antagonism wasn't encouraged so much that it snowballs into arrogance. They will exalt themselves, or others will foolishly inflate them, so that what they offer only appears to be critical. They're merely in place to keep you from paying attention to what really matters. Yes. They are a complete nuisance. They are busy. That's all. But someone has given them access, so like a crackhead mosquito, they're all over the place. Wasted is the time you give to them. You should be amused, not mad or fretful. They're planted in the hopes that you will become so frustrated by their antics, that you will either become disillusioned with the process, fail to participate, blow your own opportunity, or abandon your appointed place in a thing altogether. What should shut them down won't, because it has a stake in the busyness. (People will find it is difficult to kill the monsters they have created, but have no difficulty expecting, even demanding others to deal with them.)  
The principal thing is in danger of losing its integrity, focus, appeal, ease and flow when access and authority is granted to the frivolous thing. Focus is lost when the frivolous thing gets the big head and is given permission to run amok. What will and does swiftly shut the frivolous mosquito down, is someone who is invested in the execution, reputation, and preservation of, and respect for the principal thing--and it may only take a few, soberly spoken words.

CAREGIVER DIARIES: A THORN IN THE SIDE

Someone said, “The quickest way to earn contempt is to do too much for a person”. 

It's funny, but the contempt can come not only from the beneficiary, but those who are watching on the sidelines as assistance is being given.
 

I truly believe the crisis in caregiving results, in part, from the misguided, self-serving attitudes of NON-caregivers. 

No one knows what goes on behind the closed doors of an ailing or elderly person’s home like a caregiver does. 

Caregiving is not a 9 to 5 gig. 

Far too many people are counting, and complaining about the cost, without considering the responsibility, or bothering to pitch in.  

What’s even more disheartening, is when the person being cared for has no clue, forgets, or minimizes what his or her own care entails, and listens to opportunists, who tell them what they don’t need, shouldn’t have, or can do without.   

Many caregivers are unpaid. 

That is not a complaint that many caregivers make because they KNEW, when they said “Yes” to the task, that it would be a labor of love. 

That caregivers work each day without benefit of compensation, it is a fact, and much like the attitude some people have toward stay-at-home moms, there’s a prevailing notion that the only things a caregiver does is sit all day, munching on bon-bons, and watching soap operas. 

Somehow, the caregiver is supposed to exist on air and prayer; BE and EXIST in the home of their loved one, and just SIT there. 

LIVING and thriving, however, are forbidden. 

Honestly, I think people assume there must be a woodland fairy and some elves on loan from the North Pole, who keep everything concerning the elderly person together, while the caregiver is chilling. 

If a caregiver appears too healthy or refreshed (and God forbid if they GO anywhere outside of the home), surely they MUST be enriching themselves by way of their loved one’s resources. 

It’s AMAZING how people, who do NOTHING to help caregivers, can be so fixated on elderly and ailing people’s bank accounts, yet FAIL to see that they have in-home medical and personal needs--morning, noon, and night. 

In addition, their toilets needs scrubbing, 

their furniture needs dusting, 

their meals need preparing, 

their lawns needs mowing, 

their bulbs need changing, 

their floors need mopping, 

their clothing need cleaning and laundering, 

their hair and nails need grooming, 

their carpets needs vacuuming, 

their windows need washing, 

their medicines need refilling, 

their groceries need to be ordered, 

their appointments—and bed—needs to be made, 

and they have to get to and from home for doctor’s visits, therapy, or recreation. 

That ANYONE would not see the gravity of the situation, and responsibility required, and make a caregiver’s job more difficult, is something that is positively baffling.   

If you have a caregiving situation in your family, and you are doing nothing to contribute, except running your mouth and speculating about what’s going on, SLAP yourself.

Caregivers don’t need supervision, particularly from those who have proven they care more for the ailing person’s resources than they do the ailing person. 

If an ailing person has to PAY you to merely VISIT them; if the only way they’re going to see your face is by financing your trip, you aren’t helping. 

There’s another name for that brand of individual, but I digress…

People all over the world have sacrificed their own earning power, and drastically altered their lives to come to the aid of a loved one. 

Many admire the gesture, and at the same time, believe it is what is SUPPOSED to be done. 

I am a firm believer that if one CAN do something to help, one SHOULD, but one should NOT do so to one’s own detriment. There is an expectation that can often turn to a demand; a privilege that can often turn into a right. 

Caregivers are NOT slaves, and it is sinful and a shame if they are treated as such. 

Caregivers are human beings, whose wants and needs have not changed simply because they have chosen to look after a loved one. 

It infuriates me when people act as if caregivers aren’t supposed to enjoy freedom. 

Caregiving is not a sentence, and the ailing person’s home is not a prison—nor is it a hotel. 

Why would anyone become a caregiver? 

Perhaps they did so because they simply wanted to. 

Perhaps they believed they were logistically and financially able. Perhaps, their lives are such that they simply have the time and ability. 

Whatever the reason, an insidious cloud often looms over caregivers and rains down busybodies, micro-managers, inspectors, and critics, who, though not ON the job, feel they have the right to monitor how it’s done.  

These individuals are good for:

popping in to see what’s going on, 

making ridiculous suggestions, 

changing plans, habits, and routines without consulting anyone, ignoring dietary and medicinal restrictions, 

making ill-informed diagnoses, 

offering their ill-advised two cents about what they think the caregiver ought to do, 

and sowing seeds of discord between the caregiver and their charge. 

There is a special place in Hell for these weirdos.

When an ailing or elderly person demands, or wishes to remain in his or her own home, that home AS WELL AS the individual must be maintained. 

When it comes to the elderly, that home has to be safe, accessible, and uncluttered, and comfortable for THEM, not YOU. 

If you’re cold, suck it up. Make some tea, or coffee.  Put some clothes on. Get a blanket. 

If you’re too hot, get some ice water or a Slurpee.  

Don’t go fiddling with the thermostat, and then wonder why the elderly person is coughing or sneezing.

If an ailing person has not been able to maintain their own environment for a long time, caregivers are tasked to restore cleanliness and order. 

As much as some don’t like it, the caregiver has to be content and comfortable, too.  

Sometimes, something as simple as opening a door or window can be problematic. 

Homes don’t run on hope. 

The utilities aren’t going to miraculously confine themselves to the areas around the chair where the ailing person sits. 

The heat and AC are going to heat and cool the ENTIRE home—even the parts where the caregiver resides, or areas the ailing person no longer uses. 

I don’t know any caregivers who aren’t frugal and responsible; who don’t look for ways to minimize costs to their loved ones, but some people think caregivers should live like slaves.

Many caregivers had to deal with situations perfect for an episode of “Hoarders”, when they agreed to leave their own homes to go and care for a loved one. 

They had to work prior to tackling the principal thing.  

It stands to reason that they have NO affection or patience for thoughtless, insensitive, jerks who show up and behave as if they think an ailing person’s home should resemble a landfill. 

The caregiver is NOT the maid or butler. 

The caregiver is not there to serve everyone who walks through the door. 

The caregiver’s plate is ALREADY full.

 

If you visit the home of an ailing or elderly person, even for 8 minutes, you AUTOMATICALLY become a caregiver, too. 

You may be asked to:

get water, 

change a channel, 

fluff a pillow, 

open a jar, 

bring in a newspaper or recycle bin, 

adjust a fan, 

close a window or door, 

slice a fruit, 

hand someone a tissue, 

answer a phone, 

retrieve mail, 

read something, 

write something, 

pick up a prescription, 

take clothes to the cleaners, 

cut up a box, 

empty the trash, 

hang up a jacket, 

or tie a shoestring…

If you don’t wish to be of assistance; if you’re expecting to be waited on; if you think someone else should pick up after you, perhaps you shouldn’t visit, and you damned sure shouldn’t STAY in the ailing person’s home. 

Prepare to roll up your sleeves and ask whether there is something you can do to HELP. 

Better than that, how about phoning ahead of just dropping in, and asking if you can BRING something? 

THAT would be nice.

Ailing and elderly people are susceptible to so much, and many people are so selfish that they don’t consider allergies. 

Yes. Your cigarettes ARE a problem, no matter how far out into the yard you go to smoke.  

You think your cat or dog is a member of the family? That’s nice. Don’t bring your pet to be walking all over a person’s home and climbing all over their furniture and shedding, peeing, and pooping everywhere. Leave Midnight and Spot at home. 

If someone is taking medication for hypertension, leave your artery-clogging fatback at home, too. 

Whether or not YOU think something will or won’t hurt someone, is not the point. Don’t be a jerk. THINK. 

You might think an over-the-counter medication is the best thing since sliced bread, but for someone who is already consuming multiple prescription meds, your opinion is moot, and your decision to play doctor can be deadly.

The caregiver is not only attending to an individual, (a task that can be all consuming) he or she is maintaining an ENVIRONMENT. 

Too often, others show up, not to lend a hand in the UPKEEP of that environment, but to snoop, criticize, suggest, and even vacation. 

The latter, vacationing group forgets that the ailing or elderly person, by virtue of their illness, disability or infirmity, is doing little to nothing.  

That doesn’t mean that they should or want to live in a pigsty.  Visitors should be aware and understand that if something is used, broken, dirtied, or misplaced, it has to be replaced, repaired, cleaned, and replaced by SOMEONE. 

It is a lowdown individual who visits the home of an elderly person, disrupts it in any way, and rolls out without cleaning up behind themselves.  

Perhaps someone IS going to clean up the mess, but why not the person who MADE it? 

To go to the home of a person, who is no longer physically able to maintain it in the way they once did, and leave it in shambles, should be a federal offense.

The notion that a live-in caregiver “has it made” or is “living it up” is a fallacy. No. It’s outright BS (and I don’t curse, but there was just NO word in ANY language to describe the blatant ignorance, idiocy, and stupidity of those who “check-in”, but prove they have no clue what caregiving entails. 

Again, too many people have a laser focus on the ailing or elderly person’s resources, and it blinds them to the ailment, and the 24/7 myriad of hats a caregiver wears. 

Caregivers are the ultimate multi-taskers, and KNOW what the real deal is. 

If you want to know what’s going on, (if it is any of your business), make decisions, or recommendations you should be PRESENT on a consistent basis, and HELP where it counts. 

If you want to run ANYTHING and think you can ignore, sidestep, or bully the caregiver, you're an idiot and a saboteur.

Not At All and Every Now and Then can’t tell Every Day a darned thing--and shouldn’t even try.

CAREGIVER DIARIES: A REASONABLE HOUR

Long ago when rotary phones were all the rage, home-training lessons included a concept called a "reasonable hour". 

It was the specific block of time, in which making and receiving calls, was polite and acceptable. 

One could chat to one's heart's content at a "reasonable hour". 

Before 9 AM and after 10-anything-PM, however, was a definite no-no. 

You didn't even look at the telephone. 

You didn’t call, and no one had better call you. It was thoughtless, discourteous and disrespectful to disturb the peace of another person's home. If the phone rang during the unreasonable hours, something was wrong; there was was bad news coming--very bad news. Someone was in a hospital, bleeding in a ditch, stuck on the side of the road, or dead. Being caught talking on the phone late at night was met with a stern, "Who are you talking to this time of night? Hang up."

A phone ringing late at night wasn't a welcomed sound. It was jarring and harsh. "Oh, Lord. Who is that?" "Hello?" Somebody had better be dead, or you and your ill-mannered schoolmate were in for a tongue lashing. "Who is this? Do you know what time it is?"... "Didn't you tell them? Don't they know better? Tell them don't call here again unless it's at a reasonable hour." 

Today, people send quiet text messages. (Hip, hip, hooray for technology!) 

Today, as a cell phone girl, currently in a home phone world, when the phones ring late at night and interrupt my winding down, or jar me from sleep, it's hard to unlearn that old-school narrative about the right time to be on the phone. I'm always glad, however, to learn that no one is dead, and it's just someone who is alive, wide awake, obviously didn't grow up in my parent's house--and usually profusely apologetic after hearing a very sleepy, "Hello?"

CAREGIVER DIARIES: BOUNDARIES

I'll say it again: 

No one sees what a caregiver sees. No one hears what a caregiver hears.

The lady who was actually getting paid last year, to do housekeeping, (but was actually casing the joint, and cleaning nothing), doesn't come around anymore; neither does:

the guy who never seemed to have any money for his meals at restaurants; 

nor the guy who, when he needed, and couldn't pay for a haircut, would call to see if my dad needed one, too; 

nor the guy who was having marital problems, and needed his car fixed, and hoped this would be a nice new home for his cats he couldn't afford to board; 

nor the lady who was trying to get my dad to sell his home and move in with her; 

nor the scores of deacons my dad trained. 

Where are all of nice, pleasant friends who used to come by in droves when my mother was alive? 

 Are they dead, too? 

Are the busybodies, who are trying their best to get me out of here, the only ones left? 

Do they not remember how June, 2015 began, and why I'm not at my home---where I wouldn't have to deal with them at all?

I used to be quite a people pleaser. 

I was very accommodating. 

I fled confrontation. 

I'd surrender quickly. 

"Peace at any cost" was my motto. 

I used to care about being liked. I really did. 

I don't any more.

 

 You know what I've noticed? Bullies back down and stay away, when you stop being a pushover. 

Now, I'm being accused of being a bully. That's funny. 

People don't generally want to address the inappropriate action that prompts your necessary reaction.
 
On any brief visit, an ailing person may appear to be the picture of complete health. 

They're neat, groomed, starched and pressed--and sitting in a chair. 

Sitting doesn't require much. 

The ailing person can talk, and laugh, and joke, and have a rip-roaring good time from a seated position. Everything they need or want is in reach, and may have been placed there by a caregiver. 

What a visitor's brief observation prompts them to do is conclude that the ailing person is not in need of help at all. They "looked" fine. 

They should be able to do what they used to do, and go where they used to go. 

 Surely, then, a caregiver's service and constant presence is not needed. 

 The caregiver must be flat broke, or in need of a place to stay. 

The caregiver must be taking advantage of, bullying, or abusing the ailing person. 

The caregiver is preventing the ailing person from having a social life. 

Exactly what is it that people were doing before the caregiver showed up, that they can't continue to do now that the caregiver is in place? 

Why is the caregiver the focus of such suspicion and hate? 

In my case it's simple: People were up to no good, and now, I know it.

Rumors can be a nuisance to a caregiver, but as long as they're just rumors, so what? 

I don't know what the lady who dropped by around 8 PM one day, unannounced, was thinking or looking for. The way she brushed by me when I let her in, and started looking around, and calling his name, as if he was bound and gagged in the basement, made me wonder, "Just what was she told?" 

Funny though, when she left, he couldn't even tell me her name. "Somebody from the church" is what he said, and that will be her name, until I find out what her mama decided to call her on the day she was born. 

"I just came to see", she said. 

It would have been nice if she'd come to wrap her hands around a broom, mop, or rake, or brought him the Fig Newtons, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups or IBC Root Beer he likes.

The people who are currently on a mission to send me packing, neither intimidate, nor move me (except to blog, of course). 

Sometimes, I'm tickled by the things I've experienced, or heard about myself. 

I've got a lot of nerve being here now, because I recently learned that I didn't visit my dad one time when he was in the hospital and rehab. 

I guess I have a clone. My poor dad eats dry cereal every day, too because, I don't get my lazy behind out of bed until noon, play on my computer all day, and don't cook. My clone must really be something else. 

I learned, once again, this past weekend, that people have been telling my dad they have visited or phoned, and I allegedly told them he wasn't here, or was asleep. (I love it when people tattle on me. It makes me feel young again.) 

His doorbell doesn't exactly chime the quietest notes on the scale, and the ringtones on his several house phones are not in sync or harmony. 

When the phones ring, I'll bet the neighbors hear them, too. 

He is capable of answering the door and the phone--when he wants to. If I say that he is asleep, it is because he is...I've checked...called his name...and he doesn't answer...'cause he's knocked out. 

Why should I wake him? 

There are two times, since June, that I've told someone he was asleep--because he was. 

The nice people who called and said they didn't want to disturb him, but brought him a cake, understood that an almost 89 year-old person may need a nap. The lady from Louisiana whose phone call came in around midnight, did not. We were both asleep that time. Thanks a lot, lady.
It is now noon. The phone has rung several times today. Only once was it a loved one--my big sister. The other times, alas, it was a telemarketer.

I hear that I'm mean. 

I now have a reputation of being unfriendly, inhospitable, and cold. 

I'm "running people out of here", I hear. 

Well would you look at me, finally being all Sheriff Bad-ass! 

Did I say I've been here since June? 

Weeks can go by, and the only time the doorbell will ring is if there's a package on the porch. 

Why must people lie? 

Just say, "I don't want to call you", 

"I don't want to visit", 

"I'm too busy", 

"I have my own life and problems", but don't lie. Every call shows up on Caller ID--stamped with date and time. Why lie?

Sometimes people use the caregiver as an out, for not doing what they should, or for what they just plain don't want to do. 

An ailing person is not the same animal they used to be. 

Dealing with them requires patience, effort, time, and resources that some people aren't willing to give. What some people in the ailing person's life are adept at, is talking and taking. 

They're anticipating a funeral. 

The ailing person doesn't really need their stuff, now do they? 

Surely they need someone to help them spend their Social Security check, don't they?

Sometimes, ailing people don't want to do what they used to do with friends. It will expose their weaknesses and limitations. 

The caregiver, then, becomes the scapegoat. 

 "Tell them I'm busy", 

"Tell them not today", 

"Tell them I went to bed".

Cheerful phone calls are helpful to an ailing person, but the insensitivity of some callers isn't. 

Telling an ailing person details about why you're too busy, or giving them your complete itinerary translates, "You don't have time for me". 

Having a caregiver in place frees lots of people to go on with life as usual, without the added worry of the ailing person being alone. 

A caregiver in place, also causes people to labor under the misapprehension that the caregiver is the employee of everyone on the ailing person's life, and subject to management, evaluation, scrutiny, questioning, orders, and even disrespect. 

The caregiver is no longer a human being who, too has feelings, needs and limitations. 

The caregiver is insignificant. 

The caregiver who, shouldn't have to do it, is wise to inform people if their actions are inappropriate. What's a good time for someone else, may not be a good time for the ailing person. 

Just because someone is ailing, doesn't mean they delight in their phone ringing at the crack of the crack of dawn. 

"Oh, I was on my way to work, and just wanted to check in". 

Good for you. The ailing person, however, was asleep.

Setting boundaries is critical. Confrontation is, too. As a caregiver, the priority order that may be learned late, (and after dealing with crazies who don't think), is self, then the ailing person. 

It's just like the instructions you're given on a plane. "Put on your own oxygen mask first, then assist your fellow passenger." 

If you're worn out, stressed out, and burned out, who can you help? 

Some people endeavor to suck the life out of caregivers. Don't allow it.
Dealing with intrusive people, clueless people, rude people, and those who want to appear to be interested and invested but aren't doing squat, except being nuisances, is the low point of the caregiver's day or week. 

Hallelujah, when a caregiver grows a pair, and begins to speak up, not only on behalf of the ailing person, but themselves. 

Caring about what people are saying or thinking, as one is attempting to serve one's loved one, shouldn't be on a caregiver's mind. 

Fending off accusations and gossip, from meddling busybodies, just isn't on the list of priorities when someone is sick. 

It's sad that, while you're trying to do a good, needed thing, others are publicly tearing you down, but you have to always remember what and who matters. 

Do not give your power away. 

Being tired will cause you to see the actions and words of others as more significant or threatening than they are. 

That's why a caregiver must never isolate him or herself. Don't abandon your own circle of friends, nor those who support and encourage you. 

Be grateful for those to whom you can confide. 

You know who you are, why you are where you are, and the seriousness of the task--and no , HELL NO, you shouldn't allow anyone to take advantage of you or the ailing person. 

Don't give people a pass for being problematic, no matter who they are. If that makes you mean, so be it. 

You''ll find that the people who dog you the most, are those who had a habit of taking advantage of the ailing person in the past. 

As a caregiver, you do appear to be a bit of a pit bull. You are blocking. There's no more vulnerable person than an ailing senior citizen, and too many are left with no one to advocate for them.

Them: "So, Vanessa, when is your next trip out of the country?"
Me: "Why?"
Them: (Laughing) "Oh, no reason. Just curious."

Touch your neighbor and say, "Ummm hmmm". What I really wanted to say was, "Just how much money do you need this time, that you can't ask him for it while I'm here?"

If refusing to toy with users and manipulators makes me mean, then I guess I finally am. 

If honoring my father's wishes when he says he'd rather not be bothered makes me a bitch or a witch, then so be it. 

A friend is a friend--before and after a person falls ill. Using a caregiver as an excuse to check out of a friendship, says a lot about the foundation of the friendship. 

There's something about failing health, loss of mobility, and a dried up gravy train, that sends people packing-- and chock full of lame, dishonest excuses as to why they just don't come around anymore. 

They can blame the caregiver all they want, but the truth is obvious. 

They were never really friends.

OPEN YOUR EYES

To feel strong and be clear is a gift. You may not always like what you see or hear. If you can, make changes. Never abandon the truth. Never deceive yourself. Don't be afraid. Stop assigning power to powerless people and situations. Your happiness depends on it. How refreshing it is to say what you need to say without fear! How great is it to honor the boundaries you've set. How I love the truth and its effects. The truth is a giant slayer. 
God, it's a beautiful day.

PROBLEMS

I overheard someone saying they had some problems. No pain. No infirmity. Just problems. The way they were lamenting made me wonder if they know their own life and the status of their own affairs. I imagine the person who was calling, to ask them for financial help, couldn't believe it either. Just whose life are they looking at? From my vantage point, and from the vantage point of many, they should be THE most thankful, deliriously happy, generous, head-up-hands-to-the-sky, grateful people on the entire planet. Hearing them complain so passionately and dramatically, frankly, ticked me off. Ingratitude usually does.
If they want or need something, they can get it--easily. They have access to the best of things if they so desire. There are people at their beck and call. Problems? Yeah. Right. If THEY have problems, there's clearly no hope for the rest of us. We should all want their problems. 

I was moved to stop shaking my head and judging them for their blatant ungratefulness, (and delusion) and look up the word "problem".  
"Problem--any question or matter involving doubt, uncertainty, or difficulty; a question proposed for solution or discussion; difficult to train or guide; unruly; dealing with choices of action difficult either for an individual or for society at large."  
Yep. They DO have a problem, I guess. Lots of them. Their problems aren't unique. They aren't any different than anyone else's. They've said and done things that have left them questioning and regretting their own impure motives. They've made unhealthy choices and have entertained bad habits. They've believed they were hurting someone else, or teaching someone else a lesson, and ended up hurting themselves. They've mistreated others. They failed to act when they should have. They've been arrogant and unkind. They've been selfish. They've been unfair. They've been envious. They've skewed their priorities. They've given expecting something in return. They've been hypocritical. They've enjoyed gossip. They've been unmerciful. They've been abusive. They've slandered others. They've used others. They've forfeited opportunities to excel. They've sabotaged opportunities they did have. They've kept secrets that have left them bearing internal shame. They're angry with themselves, and the only action they've embraced is to lash out at undeserving others. They demand attention. They criticize what they do not understand. They seek to break the spirits of those who are happy. They thrive on strife. They are not loyal to anyone. They hate being wrong, and losing. Those who are right or who win must be retaliated against. They don't trust the people who are genuine, but embrace those who are shady. They are extremely bigoted. They have no filter that deters them from saying hurtful, and even ignorant things. They want other to be beholden to them. They believe that the giving material things should ensure love, consent, and respect. They're lonely because they're adept at alienating people.
They're really not that different than anyone else. Everyone has had problems with self. The main difference between them and others, who are DEAD, for example, is that with no effort at all they can swallow their enormous egos, dismiss their ridiculous pride, banish their lingering bitterness, eliminate their spoiled streak, and DO something about their perceived problems so that their days aren't spent so pitifully. Solving their problems would require self examination. Solving their problems would require change. Change is difficult when your mantra is "This is just the way I am". They'd rather have others change--and pity, indulge and tolerate them. They'd rather get a whole lot of something for nothing. They think that help is a curse because they crave credit for bailing out others. God forbid they should say "Thank you" to anyone. Their problem is personal. Their problem is perspective. That IS a problem that unlimited financial and material resources cannot fix, so they sulk and attempt to make others miserable.
Yeah. They have a problem. They're human.
My bad.

CAREGIVER DIARIES: BOUNDARIES

There's an acquaintance of my Dad who was determined to drive a wedge between him, my siblings, and me. 

He almost succeeded, and was actually quite full of himself that his manipulation had garnered him what he thought was a long walk on the family welcome mat. 

No one, however was the least bit pleased. 

Out of respect for Dad, he was tolerated. 

We failed to set boundaries. 

We won't make that mistake again.

He was actually telling people he was a family member. Even medical personnel at hospitals at which my Dad was admitted over the years, were under the impression that he was a relative.

 

He set himself up as a helper; bragging about what he does for Dad, when in reality, Dad rarely saw him. 

Their relationship began around, you guessed it—a substantial amount of money changing hands from Dad’s to his. 

He thought he’d hit the jackpot. 

He’d call Dad whenever he wanted money for one scheme or another, or a free meal. 

(If you phone someone, and offer to take them out for a meal, why should they always have to pay for the meal and gas? Why do you never have any money?)  

Why is the retired, widowed, fiercely independent senior citizen such an easy mark? No one wants to intrude, but there’s nothing like a prolonged health issue to reveal the state of a senior’s affairs. 

As a caregiver, you find out disturbing things you didn’t want to know about the people in your loved one’s life. 

When they fail miserably at conning you, too, they really don't like it.

Bizarre behavior was tolerated for years, and was bolstered by our silence, ignorance, and Dad's generosity and patience. 

We learned that the childhood narratives "Be polite" or "Mind your manners" do not apply to human snakes. 

When we finally compared notes, the jig was up.

Dad's "friend" has sent me Facebook friend requests from three different accounts bearing three different names. No. He is not in show business, and yes, he and his wife have been blocked. Yes. He has a wife and a family. Specifically, he has daughters.

It's amazing that a person, who has a family, could have so much idle time on his mischievous hands? 

He has phoned and sent text messages to my siblings and me, at unreasonable hours. 

He has sent bizarre letters, inappropriate greeting cards, and voicemail messages. 

He has even attempted to befriend my aunts under the guise of keeping them informed about Dad's life. 

He has created quite a bit of tension. No. That’s too mild. He has flat out lied. The madness finally came to a halt in July. He somehow got my brother's phone number, called him, and accused my sister of taking money out of Dad's bank account. I guess people think you're going to keep that kind of thing quiet--or keep their name out of it. 

It was the last straw. 

I'm learning that confrontation isn't such a bad thing after all. Some things need to be out in the open, and demand an explanation. 

Watching a devil try to backpedal their way out of their scheme is quite amusing. 

What is NOT amusing is finding out who's willing to believe a lie about you or your loved ones, and join ranks with those who seek to tear your family apart. 

There are two people who are not happy that Dad has chosen to sever ties with the individual. It means that he has taken a side, and for some reason the notion that he has sided with his children is repulsive and unacceptable.

The busybodies phone him almost every day to find out the status of the situation. "Have you talked to so and so? Does he still come by? Have you been out with him? Don't you miss your friend? Weren't you two very close?" 

They're always talking about how busy the Devil is, too. They should know. He is clearly, in this matter, their supervisor. 

 

What their goal is, I'm not sure, but they are certainly not winning any brownie points from me by sticking their noses into business that is not theirs, but, alas, there is motivation. One of them is having financial trouble again, and wants to sell her home that is in dire need of repairs. She can’t currently afford her bills, and suggested moving in with Dad to “help” him. 

Helping herself is more like it. 

She too, has a family. 

She has a history of phoning him whenever she needs oil for the winter, or can’t pay some other bill. When she lamented that she didn’t have money to travel to a family member’s funeral, Dad paid for her trip. 

She knows I do not tolerate Dad's "friend" and has now become his ally. 

He phones her now that he knows not to phone here. Now she daily pleads the friend’s case. 

Repeatedly, Dad informs her that his family is more important. 

She’s concluded that I'll most certainly leave Dad if he has a change of heart and the "friend" is allowed access again. 

She is, of course, sad, powerless, and most delusional. 

I'm not abandoning Dad, and 911 is an easy number to remember if I ever need to use it.

I'm always puzzled by people who phone each and every day, not to be encouraging, or offer help of any kind, but to stir up confusion. 

Their line of questioning is always the same. 

They gossip about others, and seek to find out what I’m doing, or if I’m still here. 

It makes me wonder what's going on in their own homes and families that could use their attention. 

It makes me wonder what on Earth they have been told. 

It also makes me know they don't care for Dad's welfare at all, otherwise, they would stop. 

Instead, they stew in their own juice, and fail to see how detrimental their divisive behavior is to their own health.

Dad has taken a stand. Hallelujah. 

It is foolish, crazy, asinine, and stupid to allow others to create drama in your home, while they enjoy peace in theirs. 

Stopping the busybodies in your life is simple. 

Stop telling them ALL of your business. 

Stopping the users and opportunists in your life is simple, too. Stop bragging about what you have. 

Be discerning about confiding in others. 

Notice how your friends impact your family. 

Set, and honor boundaries. 

People do what you ALLOW, and for some reason, think their recklessness will be welcomed by your family. 

If you do answer your phone, a busybody can bring up a subject twenty different ways, but you don't ever have to engage, or spill the tea. 

You don’t ever have to empty your guts about everything you know. 

Don't take the bite. 

When you find that a person is only concerned with perpetuating strife, you can, as politely as you know how, let them know that you are not interested in joining them...or feeding their obsession...or encouraging their nosiness.

There really, really, really is no kind way to tell someone to mind their own business. 

Sometimes, however, you just have to do it...and, perhaps, practice keeping your own mouth shut, so that you do not encourage familiar spirits to be more familiar than they already are. 

Some busybodies and users were invited in to your world by YOU. 

Your family members, however, shouldn't have to deal with the monsters YOU created. 

If they have to, they will. 

"Family friend" is a designation given by the consensus a family, not an individual family member. Check your friends. Don't allow anyone to disrespect or disregard your family. Don't you do it, either. 

Be discreet with what you say to others. 

Failure to tame your own tongue, may land you outside of the family information loop.

If you can’t keep a lid on your own business, don't be appalled that no one will trust you with theirs.

One busybody is all it takes to send crashing to the floor all that is already on a caregiver’s plate. 

Don't let their meddling go on too long. 

Don't laugh it off, or consider it harmless. 

Nip it. 

TODAY.