TODAY

Yesterday was a very quiet day

I'd done everything I said I would do

And at the end of the day

I asked if anything I'd done was pleasing to You

It was fine time for me to ask

The sun had set

Had I overlooked a task?

The day was practically over

Time, of course, is in Your hands

I could hear You say,

"I have some things to show you."

I wonder if I'll see them today.

OBSERVATIONS

A friend asked if I'd sing at the funeral of a friend of his family. When I got there, I saw people hugging, smiling, and consoling one another. Others were sharing stories, smiling, and wiping tears. None of it was depressing or sad. It was wonderful to hear person after person as they stood to pay loving tribute to the deceased. No one seemed to be fishing for words to say. No one exceeded the 2 minute time limit either. THAT was remarkable...lol. A young man sang "Speak to My Heart", and at some point in the song, the entire gathering joined in with him. It was the kind of congregational singing that I miss. 
Apparently, one of the deceased's favorite sayings was "Handle your business". Person after person shared how he taught them one thing or another, mentored them, was always prepared to help, was hard working, fun loving, music loving, and encouraged them to get back up when they fell.

It pays to treat people with kindness, to demonstrate to one's family how much you love them to the extent that they believe it and declare it with no doubt or reservation.

IT'S GETTING COLD

I couldn't believe it either. I was making oatmeal. 

Me. 

On purpose. 

I hated oatmeal. As a child I put more oatmeal in gobs of napkins, or flushed it down the toilet (so I wouldn't be late for school) that I can count. I would let it congeal until it looked like a Frisbee.

There was, in my mind, no way to dress it up. No amount of butter, sugar or Carnation milk could help it. I didn't think raisins deserved such a horrible fate. Maybe if I had known about cinnamon, things would have been different. 

I did, however, like oatmeal cookies. Cookies, weren't for breakfast, though. 

I should have been more grateful that I had a mother who bothered to prepare a hot meal, but I didn't want to smell oatmeal cooking when I woke up in the morning. It was in the "foods I hate" category along with watercress, beets, peanut butter, cabbage, bananas, and lamb.

Here I am. 55. My tasted have obviously changed. I now consume much of what I used to hate. I still don't dress up the oatmeal. I just eat it plain. I don't want it to get any ideas that I actually like it. 

It's getting cold, though. That 70-something degree Christmas Day was nice, but that's apparently over now. Oatmeal season has begun.

At some point, you exchange, replace, or add to the things you like, the things that are good for you. 

It's not suffering, just smart.

A PRAYING BULLY

"So also the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things. See how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, the very world of iniquity; the tongue is set among our members as that which defiles the entire body, and sets on fire the course of our life, and is set on fire by hell. For every species of beasts and birds, of reptiles and creatures of the sea, is tamed and has been tamed by the human race. But no one can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the likeness of God; from the same mouth come both blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be this way." ~James 3:5-8

Dear Bully:
It's good that you pray, but never presume to sic God on anyone. He'll show you how much he loves them, and then show you yourself. It's painful for a person, who thinks they're closer to God than others, to find out the hard way that he's not petty like that. He'll check them, too--because he loves them. 
Never go to God misinformed, in denial, or arrogantly. He knows you--and the people you drag before him in prayer (and expect him to reprimand and fix so that you can resume controlling them). He, unlike others, will not endorse your wrongness. 
Bully, you have a bad habit of mocking others; have a penchant for being crass, overbearing, sarcastic, critical, lewd, and tactless. Your self-righteousness deceives you into asking God to, for example, "bridle your tongue". Yeah, those flowery words sound biblical, religious and prayerful, but, because he loves you, he'll answer that prayer. He won't have you thoughtlessly spewing venom all over the place, and risk either being punched in the mouth, stripped of your authority in the world, or left alone. To your surprise, others will enjoy peace and be safe from your barbs, while you, on the other hand, might not be saying much of anything for a while. Conviction is a mother. You'll lament the quiet, because you've become an ardent lover of the sound of your own voice, especially in fits of boasting. In the quiet of conviction, your words won't be stinging, attacking, or offending anyone anymore. You'll be challenged to find new words, and new ways to say them. Every time you think about saying something, you'll feel that subtle prick or jolting jab, breathe a heavy sigh, resume the silence, and meditate on better, more loving ways to communicate. There will be no endless, pointless arguments, or confrontations because God won't allow you to start any. That's right. You start stuff, but you prayed partly because you realize don't like it when people bark back. Doesn't feel good, does it? 
Asking God to bridle your tongue will also mean that soon, you won't be sitting around stewing and pouting because someone, you thought was weaker than you, finished what you started. Those around you will cease walking on eggshells when God gets hold of your tongue.
He'll silence you so that you can consider the abominable way you approach, interrogate, and talk at people. He'll challenge you to think before you open your mouth, and reset your tone so that you can actually hear the viciousness in it, and adjust it. You'll practice: "Should I say that? Is that any of my business? How will it make the listener feel? Is it necessary? Is it true? Is it right? Is it harsh? Does it make sense? Is it appropriate? Will it edify? Will it draw others to me or push them away?" 
He'll show you that words are powerful, and whether you've been using yours to break the spirits and wound the souls of others, or uplift and encourage them. He'll help you recharge the filter you obviously never figured out how to use, so that you won't leave others appalled or perplexed. He'll help you understand why people deal with you in very small doses. He'll teach you that if you truly want company, you're going to have to consider the hearts of others. He'll help you see that respect is not something that one fiercely demands, but refuses to give, and that badgering and antagonizing people is not endearing. He'll help you see, if you get off of your high horse and let him, that it's not them, it's you. It will hurt since you had a penchant for needing to be right all of the time, but you will be on the road to more genuine relationships and more pleasant conversations--as opposed to didactic encounters.
Maybe you can't talk to people because you just don't know how. They're not too sensitive or defensive. There's a reason they've been kind of quiet on you. Encounters with you are exhausting. It's not that they're closed-minded, it's that you're just a bully. God will show you how not to be, so that others will not be repelled or disgusted by the sound of your voice, but happy to see you arrive. Stop wondering why others keep their distance. Stop wondering why you fail at your attempts to engage others; stop blaming others for having the good sense to love and protect themselves and refuse to absorb your negative energy. 
Humbly, for a change, stop talking, and let God talk to you about you.

MONDAY THOUGHTS: SCENARIOS: DONATIONS

Those who have been given authority often forget about the person or persons who will ultimately be held responsible for their actions.

 
Specifically, church auxiliaries and groups can't forget they are merely an arm of a tax exempt organization. 

The hands attached to those arms have to be clean. An auxiliary is not a private club that can act independently of the parent body. Those who want to run their own enterprises, without scrutiny or oversight, should establish their own organizations.

It's kind of a tradition in churches for auxiliaries, like choirs and Sunday School classes, to collect dues for one thing or another, but sometimes it can get out of hand--especially if the people handling the money lack integrity. 

Ignorance, even when people are well-meaning, can be a problem. 

Every leader should direct all church auxiliary leaders to turn over all monies collected at the church, for any reason, to the church accountant or treasurer. 

The accountant can then count the money, record the amount, and write a check drawn from the church's account, payable to the person, persons, or organization for whom the auxiliary collected the funds. 

Those who write checks should ALWAYS make them payable to the church, unless they intend their donation to be a gift.  

Everyone who gave, little or much, cash or check, should know the final total that was collected. 

It should be counted in the presence of witnesses. 

If monies have been collected, for example, to give to a needy child or family, ALL of said monies should be given,  whether someone thinks it is excessive or not. 

There's no using some of the money to buy paper plates for the Christmas party, or making executive decisions to give a portion of the money to somebody's friend who's behind on his cell phone bill. 

Those things have to be decided upon by the donors. They heard, "needy family" or "needy child", and opened their pockets and purses. 

They should not be misled, and no one should be helping themselves to the collection. 

The money should never find it's way to anyone's home--except the intended recipient's. 

There should be no private discussions between auxiliary leaders about whether the amount collected is too much, for example, to give to a young child, or is more than was expected to be donated. 

No one should suggest using the money in a manner other than that agreed upon/understood by the donors. 

Those who gave, did so with the understanding that their money was for a specific purpose. 

No one should be skimming their cut off the top, or shortchanging the recipient. 

If there was no discussion, for example, that the person distributing the money should get, say, $20.00 for gas to deliver the money, then EVERY penny given should go to the intended recipient. 

No one should be getting change for their large bills, or using any of the money to pad auxiliary entertainment or refreshments coffers. 

No one should go to their personal bank and deposit donors checks in their own personal accounts in exchange for cash, or convert the cash portions of the donation to a check drawn on their own personal account as if they, alone, gave it the donation. 

Handling resources in a non-profit organization is nothing to be careless about. 

When in doubt about the right and legal thing to do, even in the case of worthy causes, ask.

CAREGIVER DIARIES: AFTER THE NEWS

A person's response will be dictated by their experience, loyalties, or their capacity for empathy.

I had asthma as a child. I remember waking up unable to breathe; kicking and flailing and beating on the bed until my mother would come and help. She used to say that I couldn't possibly remember my hospital stays because I was too young. I remember kicking the plastic of the oxygen tent that was supposed to support my breathing.

Broadcast news often makes me think of how frightening it is to realize you're not getting the air you need. It's no joke.

If you watch the news, you'll be mad and frustrated, but not surprised, every other day. After a while, you'll become numb. 

Is that what's happened? 

Is everyone just numb? 

Are the right conversations being had? 

Is all of the available information being shared? 

Are we seeing the same things? 

Are we thinking critically? 

Cries to repair a broken system seem to fall on deaf ears. 

Someone is profiting from its disrepair.

I admire the people who have taken to the streets all over the world, but are they getting the attention of the powers that be, or are they merely pissing off their neighbors and fellow citizens by blocking streets, and interrupting commerce? 

Are they adept at merely convening? 

The world is always watching the country that makes it's business to police the world and shove democracy down the world's throat. America manages to demonstrate that is hasn't yet policed itself, nor embraced the democracy it peddles. 

Our government's leaders openly hate and distrust one another so much that it would be frightening if it weren't so childish and pathetic.

I remember my Dad saying, "You can exercise your rights, and be just as dead". I also recall him saying often, "A Black man's life isn't worth anything in this country". 

He's 89, and has stories on top of stories of his own experiences with racism and injustice that would provide an acceptable excuse for being defiant, bigoted, hateful, sarcastic, arrogant, mistrusting and mean.

When a system was not built with you in mind, is it obligated to acknowledge you at all? 

When a country has been built by instilling fear and oppressing people, are all systems secretly invested in people remaining afraid and downtrodden?

There is no post-racist America. We're still in the thick of it. There is still meat on the bones of racism's skeletons. Listen to the rhetoric of presidential candidates, Look at the people who support them. They want America back. What do they really mean? Back from, or to what?

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING

It does seem, lately, that many people don't hear themselves. Appalled though you may be, you don't have to say a word. You could, but someone's feelings might get hurt. Some people don't know that they really DON'T want to hear what you have to say, and one more scintilla of their skewed viewpoints just might encourage you to start talking (and not stop until their faces are sufficiently cracked). 
Don't snap. Conserve your energy. Let them go off the deep end. No sense in you getting wet, too. Just wait. Your silence, patience, and compassion may cause people to consider that their harsh tone, thoughtless words, or crass approach are not the sort that encourage others to cheerfully and readily engage them--for substantial periods of time, anyway. 
I imagine that some people think that what works with one, will work with all. Some people will put up with crap, I guess. But then, there's usually a pay off called a salary involved. Others will offer crap servers a cheek to kiss, and it won't be one of the smaller, rosier facial ones.
What is it that makes people think that others have to abide their abysmal words and behavior? Where is the law they read that others deserve to be regarded as if they are less than garbage? How are they so appalled and confounded when people simply shut down, excuse themselves, or keep their distance? If they realize, (through prayer, or just the realization that no one is exactly tripping over themselves to spend time with them) that they ARE, perhaps, a bit arrogant, controlling, messy, strife-loving, snarky, pushy, accusatory, demanding, tactless, or bratty, they'll adjust--that is, if they really want people to give a darn. If they have an entitled, "all about me" spirit, that delights in talking AT, and not TO others, they'll keep wondering in vain why no one wants to be bothered. If they continue to demonstrate little concern for what may be crowding and running over on the plates of others, they'll continue running into brick walls; frantically wondering why others choose to ignore them. They will always conclude that their loneliness or exclusion is the fault of someone else. They'll never see that their most effective people repellent is staring back at them in their own mirror. If they're smart, they'll realize that no one likes drama queens or kings. No one likes abuse. If they're smart, they'll try a different approach-- a respectful, friendly, humble, warm, sweet one-- minus the attitude--and perhaps, they'll get the responses, support, and genuine friendships they're seeking. If not, they can continue to be perplexed by the sounds of crickets.

SATURDAY THOUGHTS: WORK

You can almost taste the shock and offense. 

"Wha...wait a minute. I have to call who? I can't just deal with you? Hmph. Things sure have changed."

They surely have. Creatives are tired of being broke.

Booking agents provide a much needed service. They hold the conversations with event planners that, for some singers and musicians are very uncomfortable or intimidating. 

They separate the honest wheat, from the opportunistic tares.

 

I have been relieved on past occasions to be able to say, for example, "Contact Frank Sheffield" or
"Call Roger Holmes", when I felt it was warranted. They made sure I wasn't cheated.

If event planners do follow through, you know that they're serious, aren't just looking for a hookup, value the music they want for their events, and respect what singers and musicians do as legitimate work. If they don't, then singers and musicians haven't lost any money, effort, or time.

I am no stranger to Rehoboth Baptist Church, have known the Palmer family for years, and consider them friends, but I was so honored that they treated me as they would any professional singer when planning their 150th Anniversary event. 

That, like countless other events, I would have participated in just because they asked, but it was confirmation that there are people--people you know--who value your time and effort.

For a long time, I've known that I've been the go-to person for some people who wanted something for nothing---and many times at the last minute. 

"Oh, call Vanessa! She'll do it!" 

...and she did...for many years with no complaints. 

Some people even began to act as if they owned me, or as if I owed them. 

It's amazing how one "No" can cause people to forget the countless times you said "Yes". 

A few attempted to punish me because I didn't do what they wanted, when they wanted. 

Some don't speak any more. Perhaps they're ashamed that they cheated me and others for so long. 

I was even blacklisted for a while. (Yes, there are people whose sphere of influence includes people you know, who know you, should vouch for you, but are too afraid of losing their positions to speak up and defend you--until they get kicked to the curb.) 

Even people I thought were friends tried to block opportunities. 

"Oh, she won't do that" 

"She's busy" 

"I think she's out of town" 

"I don't have her number, but I'll do it!"

 "Why do you want to use her? She doesn't even have a record out."

Other times, I wasn't worthy of the honorarium promised to/allotted for/that is standard for the celebrity who was either a no-show, missed a plane, recommended me, or didn't even return the event planners phone calls.

I even recommended someone I thought would be a better fit, and an event planner actually said, "Oh, she asks for too much money. That's why I called you. You're humble."

Fortunately, I've learned that the people who will support, value, and appreciate you the most, may not always look like you, live near you, be in your perceived circle, participate in any industry, or even speak your language. (Talk about ordered steps!)

Music tends to be the last line item for many event planners--after the budget has been depleted for important things like centerpieces and plastic party favors. The attitude seems to be that someone on the committee knows "someone good, who will do it for free". 

Singers and musicians are often offered meals as compensation.

The celebrity artist(s) who recorded the song(s), will require a round trip ticket, hotel accommodations, ground transportation, and meals. That cost is multiplied if they should not want to travel alone. 

A local singer or musician, however, is expected to use their own resources to get to and from the venue, come in and "sing/play it just like the record". 

If the local singer doesn't know the requested song(s), they have to learn it/them. That, too, takes time. 

Event planners make a lot of demands, but as we all know, people do what you allow. 

You can't assume that people know better, or even care whether what they are asking will impact you financially. 

Singers and musicians have to speak up and not be so afraid of the loss of an opportunity that they begin a bad, and depleting habit of selling themselves short.

People will do what is best and most economical for themselves. 

Event planners expect you to wear the designated colors, show up early, stay late, and attend rehearsals, but they'll look at you sideways if you have the nerve to say, "Please contact_________".

(On another note, an invitation to an event means that a singer or musician should not be buying a ticket. They will show up, and sit, mingle, schmooze, and enjoy themselves like everyone else. Call on them to perform, and the invitation becomes an assignment. It's a job. They will be employees just like the caterer, servers, graphic artist, DJ, bartender, and florist.

Why do event planners question your commitment to "ministry", support of volunteerism, or call you "brand new" or arrogant if you direct them to an agent after they seek you out to work?

Many local artists are accused of "not giving back". Frankly, many of us have given, but never publicly reported the scores of times we have worked without pay. 

No one should have to be reminded that transportation is not cheap, and utility companies do not accept sheet cake, trophies, plaques, certificates, chicken wings, potato chips, pizza, Swedish meatballs, or corsages.

Maybe the YouTube videos fool people into thinking local singers and musicians are wealthy, and don't need resources for the work they do. 

There are too many who use the "exposure" angle, too. Frankly, many of us are suffering from severe frostbite and sunburn from all the "exposure" we've had, and we have cramps in our fingers from all of the waivers we've signed.

We like to pay our bills in full and on time, too.

I don't know. I believe I have enough discernment to know when to sow, or volunteer, but if I don't consider the state of my own affairs every now and then, and view what I do as legitimate "work", who will?

SCENARIOS: CUSTOMER SERVICE

If I recommend you to a barber I like, who's just opened a new shop, pick you up, take you to the barber's shop, wait while you are served, bring you back home and you say nothing, I will assume you were satisfied. If two days later, after you've told everyone you could think of about your horrible experience, you phone me and angrily complain about your terrible, lopsided cut and uneven sideburns (lament the unreasonable cost of the cut, and regret the tip you gave; then you berate me about taking you to someone shady, accuse me of not doing my homework; accuse the barber of being unprofessional, careless, shiftless, slow, unskilled, inattentive, amateurish, talkative, and in need of more training), and I apologize, pick you up (again), and take you to another barber so he can fix what you said the recommended barber broke, I certainly wouldn't expect you to call me three weeks later and ask if I'm going to get a haircut because you want to give my barber another chance. Huh? Wait... What???
If I had any sense, or loyalty to, or respect for my barber, I absolutely would not consent to take you to his shop ever again. I would not allow anyone to break the personal or professional spirit of someone I like, and whose work I approve of. You don't get to slander someone and then expect them to be happy to see or serve you! If he's such an incompetent  loser barber, why on Earth would you want to go and sit in his chair again--let alone get a cut? Why? Just WHY? So you can have something else to complain about? Did you forget the last disaster? Did you forget the words that came out of your own mouth? Can't you imagine the look on the barber's face when I walk in with you? Can't you see him bristle? I might permanently lose my turn in a chair! It would be reminiscent of the Soup Nazi from "Seinfeld" only with hair! "No cut for you!"
If you phoned me, I'd tell you, "No. I don't think that's a good idea. He's got plenty of clients who like his work. Maybe you'd better go somewhere else."
Just the fact that you phoned me would inform me that you either delight in finding fault and being condescending, your arrogance is off the chart, you have some cognitive issues going on, are fickle, lied in your assessment, don't have any other way to get to any barber, or you have burned barber bridges with the help of that fiery, filter-less tongue of yours-- and maybe you should consider rocking some dreads.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

1. Be grateful. Be very grateful. Folk would kill for the little you do have.
2. Be thankful. No one ever has to do anything for you.
3. Look back and acknowledge that you made it. You're a lot stronger than you think.
4. Be happy. Smile. Things could be a lot worse.Refuse to allow your spirit to be broken by those who are bitter.
5. Pray. God knows, anyway, would love to hear from you--all of the details-- and He won't blab it all over the place.
6. Purpose to take care of yourself. You're useless to others if you don't.
7. Be sensible about the resolutions. Don't be ridiculous.
8. Take another look at "no". It's a really cool word.
9. Take another look at "yes". There are some things you ought not decline. They're blessings.
10. Laugh. It's better than any drug or drip.
11. Determine not to let darkness change you. Be the light.
12. Don't simmer or stew. Say what needs to be said. No fear.
13. Be honest. It's a sign of love.
14. Work as if no one's watching except God.
15. Test the atmosphere. Don't sit there and suffocate.
16. Be teachable. There's no age limit on that.
17. Acknowledge what you see, good or bad, and let it (or them) know. "I see you".
18. Protect your family. Cover your children. Don't leave them exposed and then wonder why they're shivering or burned.
19. Travel light.
20. Remember that Love wins. It always does-- even when the game looked iffy.
21. Remember you're in charge of you. How you feel, react, etc. is up to you.
22. Don't give away your strength to those who operate from a place of weakness.
23. See the good. Look for it, diligently. It's there.
24. Consider how effective silence is.
25. Gleefully celebrate those who celebrate you.

CAREGIVER DIARIES

"Well it's about time you answer the phone!"; "What did I do? What's my problem?"; "Are you mad at me or something?"; Did you forget my number?"; "I've been trying to call you, but you won't return my calls!"; "You think you're too good to call somebody back or something?"; "See? I left you a message and you're still not responding!"
And that right there? That right out of the gate accusation and harassment instead of a pleasant, "Hi, it's ______. How are you?" That's why you're not responding. If you do it may not be nice.
Some people might apologetically attempt to quash the manipulative snark; explain or defend themselves (as if it's mandatory) or say anything to get the whining to stop. "Oh, I'm so sorry. I was kidnapped, and then had to go into the witness protection program, but that was only after my stint as a missionary in deepest Africa. They wouldn't let me have a phone. Rules, you know. How've you been?"
Others would waste no time hanging up, deleting, and blocking. Whomever doesn't know what you've been dealing with is clearly not a close friend. They'd realize that an apology is in order--along with a sincere, "Is there anything I can do?"
The daily responsibility that care giving entails need not be compounded by the demands of an able-bodied person. What ever happened to "Hello. I was just thinking about you."? If they took the time to ask, before lamenting your supposed neglect of them, they'd know and understand why they and their agendas are not high on your list of priorities. You're not answering their calls because you haven't been at home. Your schedule has been upended. Your time has been occupied. Perhaps, depending on the situation, you had to move. Perhaps, if you're like many who are unpaid caregivers, you had to cut back on the luxury that a mobile phone can be. 

I wonder if some people ever consider that their overbearing, pushy, "all about me" tendencies aren't particularly engaging. Relationships of all kinds are often uneasy, but they shouldn't be excruciating chores laden with hoops through which one must constantly jump, especially when one is overwhelmed.  Do people think you are obligated or indebted to, or work for them? What ever happened to niceness, courtesy, and the notion that no one ever has to do anything? 
You can't bulldoze your way into other people's lives. You can't make demands of their time or resources, and expect them not only to stop what's critical to them (in order to comply with your wishes), but excuse your lack of civility. You certainly shouldn't hold your breath while waiting for them to blame themselves for your insensitivity. Among the things that snarkiness, sarcasm, or an entitled attitude will yield is side-eye-filled silence. Failure to adjust your attitude will cause people to deal with you, in the words of my grandmother, "with a long-handled spoon".

Tone, timing, attitude, and approach have everything to do with the responses you get--or don't get. Say it rudely, at an inopportune moment, with an air of superiority and all the finesse of a runaway train, and you run an extremely high risk of being ignored. Want to be acknowledged? Consider whether what you say, and how you say it gives others an incentive to engage you, or a good cause to roll their eyes and dismiss you. 
No caregiver, in their right mind, likes, or invites extra drama or unnecessary stress. Never presume to know or judge the weight of what is on another person's plate. Never presume that you know what another person is able to do, or should do. Before choosing to be offended and angry that a caregiver doesn't have time for you, try to walk at least a partial mile in their shoes. Never rule out that people, whether they are caregivers or not, ARE busy, sick, out of town, indisposed, distracted, overwhelmed, otherwise engaged, or disconnected. Now, if they are ignoring you, perhaps there's a reason that has everything to do with your approach of choice. Come on too strong, too bossy or needy, and you put the nails in the coffins of your own relationships. In doing so, you can't blame anyone except yourself. 
Never attack people for not responding when you think they should. It may give them further cause to conclude that you and what you bring, are just too much work to add to the load they already have.

GUADELOUPE

Je ai eu un moment très agréable en Guadeloupe la semaine dernière. Pas de cuisson, nettoyage, le lavage, le repassage, prenant poubelle, faire des courses, ou les téléphones sonner à toutes les heures. Aucun attitudes, snarkiness, l'impolitesse, l'étourderie, la critique, l'arrogance, l'intimidation, les accusations, les comportements bratty, fauteurs de troubles, les télévendeurs, le stress, les mouches du coche. Il n'y avait aucune trace de tout cela. Juste paysages luxuriants, l'eau bleu-vert, le repos, la paix et la tranquillité, et la belle musique faite par de belles personnes. Il était un tel cadeau. Dieu savait que je aurais besoin. Je dois avoir été terriblement calme et détendue pour s'asseoir dans un restaurant tout iguanes se promenaient. Maintenant que la sérénité.

Il est agréable d'avoir des gens apprécier et vous accueillir et ce que vous avez à offrir.

Parfois, les gens qui vous encouragent le plus, la valeur que vous, et vous faire sourire sont de parfaits inconnus qui ont besoin babelfish pour communiquer avec vous.

CAREGIVER DIARIES: WATER

My Uber driver said she had been caring for her 94 year-old mother for thirty years. 

She said her siblings thought that their almost daily telephone calls were sufficient assistance to her. "We call every day", she said, mocking her siblings. "They act like that's doing something! Now it's my turn to call. See how they feel about that." 

She said she'd recently phoned her brother to tell him she was sending their mother to him. 

She said her mother had only been with her brother for two weeks before he was phoning her and crying about the burden. 

"You gotta take her back!" Apparently, he and his significant other had plans that were consistently being thwarted by their mother’s ailments. 

"Then you better change them plans!" she said. 

Her brother told her he didn't know that caring for their mother would be such a handful. 

She said she thought it was great that he was getting to experience the cantankerousness and difficulty she'd endured for so long. 

She said he told her he was putting their mother on a bus back to Maryland. "Then prepare to die, 'cause I'm gonna kill you! Don't you put my mama on no bus!", she laughed. 

She said she would be traveling to southern Virginia for Christmas.

 "I'm going to go spend some time with her". 

Dad laughed, and chimed in. "You're going to get in your car to leave after Christmas, and all your mama's stuff is gonna be in it." She laughed again,  then said, "Oh Lord! Maybe I shouldn't go! No. I'm going. I'm just going to keep my car doors locked!"

I'm amazed that practically every Uber and Lyft driver I’ve had either was, or is currently a caregiver. 

They all said that they loved their driving job. They enjoyed the freedom it provided. They all said it gets them out of the house, and affords them an opportunity to exhale, think, meet and talk to new people, and experience a change of scenery.

I hated what I saw and heard when Dad and I got to his doctor's office. 

An elderly lady was talking to her caregiver in a tone that would have made even the most tolerant person leave her there to fend for herself. 

She glared at her caregiver as if she hated her. 

"Didn't you hear me calling you?!" 

Her tone was embarrassing. 

The caregiver had stepped out to go to the restroom. The elderly lady tried to get support from the rest of us as she complained about one thing after another. 

She shoved her coat and scarf at her caregiver. She didn't ask her to hold them. 

I was studying the caregiver's face. She was tired. She endured one dig after another. 

I was impressed by her silence, but it was loud. 

Maybe the notion that people are most abusive to the people who are doing the most for them, is more common than I imagined. 

When the caregiver did speak, what she had to say left everyone, including her elderly aunt, speechless. 

I guess she'd had enough.
"I'm the only one who help her! She got three sons and two daughters. They too busy, or just don't wanna do it! She don't fuss at them 'cause she afraid they won't come around no more, so she take it out on me. I don't take it personal no more. If it makes her feel better doggin' me, whatever. She need help, so im’a help her. That's my mama sister, but if it's somebody else she think can do better than me, she need to call 'em". 

The caregiver went back to reading her magazine. She'd been reduced to defending herself to a room of strangers. 

The aunt just put her hands in her lap and stared off into the distance. It was as if she was wounded. "See? See how she talks to me?" 

Too bad she wasn't willing or able to hear herself.

I don't know who decided there was a cut off age for courtesy, respect and consideration. 

Longevity is not a pass to be rude or abusive. 

People who dish out venom generally can't take it, in any dosage, especially if it's the truth and served by someone they don't respect in the first place.

Funny. There's something about the presence of others that causes some ailing people to perform. Suddenly they don't need help. They speak more forcefully and clearer. 

"Oh look! Somebody else is here. Let me show them how little I regard my caregiver!" 

In the company of others--strangers, even-- an arrogant, critical spirit appears that revels in embarrassing and minimizing the efforts of those who provide service day in and day out. Someone shows up, and in an instant, those who've been there all the time, get dragged into some weird show of bravado, and are expected to sheepishly participate. 

What makes anyone think it's smart to publicly dog the people they have to depend upon, and celebrate those who do nothing?

If one is truly in charge, on top of one's game, in control, or possession isn't it obvious? 

Does one need to boast, bark orders, or demean those on whom one depends, or show others how little one regards those who are committed? 

Is that ever necessary? 

When the sporadically appearing friends and family, and the strangers go away, with their minds full of false impressions, who remains? The consistent people, that's who. 

Their minds are full of the truth. They know the extent and severity of what's really going on, which soon becomes the primary reason why they stay. 

The ailment eclipses the relationship. 

The caregiver knows what happens, and what must be done on a daily basis. 

They know because they're there. 

They get really tired of having to do reputation damage control, so they begin to speak up. 

Then it gets quiet. 

Then they're labeled unfriendly, rude, or cold...and they don't care. What they deal with each day, overrules what busybodies think. It even blocks out what the ailing person viciously and thoughtlessly says in often frustrating attempts at dealing with their own mortality.

It is never wise, however, to ever attempt to humiliate or debase the person on the job who has demonstrated genuine care, competence, dedication and consistency. It is a piss poor way to make oneself feel better. 

Don't ever speak disparagingly about the people who are truly helping. Definitely don't do it in the presence of strangers. Certainly don't do it for the amusement of those who are frequently missing in action. One may find oneself left in the incapable and unwilling hands of those do-nothings.

As I listened to the lady talk about her caregiver as if she wasn't there, and watched the caregiver take frequent deep breaths, I wondered, why do some treat strangers and fair-weather folk better than they treat their own? 

Is it a sign of loneliness? 

Is it some bizarre proof of friendship? 

Does it tell a person that they're not truly alone in the world; that someone was thinking about them? Does it make them feel powerful? 

Even if all of that is so, is it then necessary to abuse one's caregiver? 

Somebody shows up, laments how terribly busy they've been (as if their busyness (or business) is unique). They say how sorry they are for being absent for so long, and they're forgiven and given a pass. They look to those who have been faithful, and expect to be greeted as if they're some messiah. The paltry time they carve out, and whatever trinket they throw (to shut the neglected person up and make them forget) is looked at as if it's a gift. Then, to add insult to injury, the person they've neglected turns to the people who've been consistent, and has the nerve to puff up; just get biggety, and act like they have no clue why the support they've been given was needed, present, or lasted for so long---that is, until the fair-weather folk, who are only good at showing their faces, go back to their fair-weather ways--which usually takes seconds. 

They trot off with their chests poked out, as if riding around and taking someone to KFC is something remarkable. They don't fancy getting their hands dirty, or making sacrifices. They're adept at making sporadic phone calls, pop ins, and drive-by's. So, who's left? The ones who cook, clean, iron, organize, run errands, sit at doctor's appointments, change dressings and catheter bags, administer meds, assist with hygiene, shop for groceries, do laundry, etc . 

If some are not careful, there will be NO one left--except maybe someone who won't have the burden of actually caring, and will fully expect a handsome salary.

Be careful how you treat your own. 

Be doubly careful how you treat those who are faithful. Don't dare attempt to act brand new in the face of the faithful, certainly not to prove anything to those who never will be.

Many people are experiencing thirst and drought, not because there is no supply, but because they kept tripping up the person who was faithfully bringing them potable WATER .