CAREGIVER DIARIES

A caregiver told me he'd purposely relocated over a hundred miles from his beloved, longtime residence to get away from an aging relative; to make sure that he was no longer easily accessible. "She can call somebody else for a change." He lamented that his relative treated him horribly, but whenever there was a need, or an emergency, he always got the call. The relative, by her controlling and abusive ways, had exhausted everyone else. The verbal abuse and orders would begin as soon as anyone crossed her threshold. Nothing about anyone was safe from her critique. "I don't understand. I was there no matter when she called, and she treated me like I was nothing. She treated strangers better than she treated me. I was the punching bag and the errand boy. I had enough", he said.

I wondered how many seniors are in nursing homes--not because they have to be--but because they mistreated their friends and loved ones when they were enjoying better health. People can find it easier to deal with cantankerousness when there's a paycheck at the end of it all, and so, many aging people, who could very well be in their own homes or with relatives, are at the mercy of those who are under no obligation to love them.

Some people are only tolerable in very, very small doses. Aging is often the go-to excuse for the current behavior of those who have always been difficult. One doesn't ever want to get to the point where one is merely tolerated; when even the people who are closest decide they too, have had enough and simply decide they'd rather not be bothered at all. Those whose only intention was to show kindness or concern won't abide being kicked in the butt for very long--no matter who's doing the kicking.

Whether young or old, how you engage others will determine if they want to continue the relationship, conversation, project, etc. No one ever has to do anything for you. No one wants to deal with someone who is unnecessarily profane, lewd, critical, sarcastic, or curt. Someone who is constantly grumpy, ungrateful, complaining, finding fault, digging for problems, abusive, mocking and debasing others can be too much for even the most patient, understanding, compassionate, and gracious person to handle.
 
When a person has never been held accountable for their behavior; when it has been excused, joked about, dismissed, or accepted, it only gets worse. They feel they are somehow superior to others, have a right to say or do whatever they want, and everyone else is supposed to bow and take it. A person can become blind to their own ways; entitled, and self-righteous. "That's just the way I am" is their proudly declared mantra. If no one in their circle has ever dared to commandeer the spotlight they always train on others and turn it on them, they'll falsely and unfortunately assume that everyone else is the problem. If people keep their distance or disengage, it must be because of the words or actions of someone else. Why they've been excluded, overlooked, reassigned, left waiting, wanting, or ignored has to be the fault of someone else. What's fascinating is their reaction when someone does bring their abysmal behavior to their attention. Their own medicine is unpalatable to them. They fiercely reject it and are highly offended when treated or spoken to the way they treat and speak to others. They don't want to hear that they have faults that need fixing. They don't have a problem. Conversation about what's wrong with them gets shut down quickly.

There is a way to speak to others, and it's important to monitor one's tone. One MUST hear oneself. The problem is that many have been barking at, bullying, and taking advantage of others for so long, they think it's acceptable--a badge of pride, even. It's unfortunate when one finds oneself friendless and alone, and still fails to attribute one's state to one's own inability, or deliberate failure to treat others with respect, kindness and consideration. Those who fail to check themselves are doomed to be surrounded by users and yes men, who for some consistent payoff, encourage and fuel  unacceptable behavior while masquerading as friends and helpers.

Those whose conversation is always negative or depressing can sap the life out of a situation if it's allowed. Sometimes, it is necessary to remind people of the myriad of things for which they should be extremely thankful and grateful. Perhaps it will jar their memories and alter their speech. Loving anyone requires honesty. The truth is probably at its best when it hurts. That hurt will inspire necessary change that will lessen the very real possibility of future hurt and constant regret that one did not treat others a little better.

How you treat people matters. My grandmother used to say, "Be nice to everybody. You never know whos's gonna have to give you your last drink of water."