TUESDAY THOUGHTS: FAMILY MATTERS

The holidays are upon us. 

Decisions as to where people will gather are being made. 

If one can help it, holidays should be happy times, not dreaded ones. The thought that Aunt or Uncle so-and-so is coming to visit, shouldn't be the motivation that prompts everyone to alter their plans and decide that this year would be a good year to fast, take a trip abroad, or feed the homeless for the first time.

When it comes to family members, children tend to know by whom, and when they are loved and wanted. They tend to gravitate toward those who demonstrate genuine affection and interest. 

Even in the face of discipline, children know who's in their corner, and want the best for them.

When they become adults, they gladly honor and appreciate the elder members of their family who took time with them, laughed with them, taught, mentored, entertained, encouraged, corrected, inspired, blessed, cheered, supported and welcomed them.

Relationships really do have to be nurtured.
If you want your child/children to know and have a relationship with your side of the family, introduce them. That's your job. Kids don't drive. You spearhead the interactions. Be consistent. Don't leave that duty to someone else--but if you do, make sure there's no legitimate reason that they abandon the idea, and cite your child's safety, security, nerves, or mental health as the reason.

If you know for yourself that some members of your extended family can be difficult, argumentative, impatient, petty, crass, harsh, divisive, impolite, nasty, rude, mean-spirited, trouble makers, gossipy, thoughtless, pushy, strife-loving, nosy, vulgar, irresponsible, imposing, combative, or dismissive, why visit them upon your children and expect them to be able to handle it?

 

If you know that your family doesn't approve of your choice of spouse, and is on a mission to wreak havoc in your home, don't be shocked or appalled when the fallout affects your children. 

What child wants to be bothered with the people who, whenever they are around, interrogate them, antagonize them, look down on them, or try to make their home life miserable by constantly driving wedges, instigating arguments, and causing confusion ?

 

It's not a surprise that a child will rally around their parent, and sense when a relative is a problem.

Don't leave your children anywhere you don't want to be, in the company of people you can only stand in small doses, and expect them to be happy. 

It will affect just how much they trust and regard you. 

Do you want your child to become fond of your side of the family? Make sure--no--insist that they, (and their other parent) are being spoken of, and treated kindly, fairly, and respectfully by others. If not, quash it immediately and stand up for your child/children and spouse. 

Don't leave them to defend/protect themselves. 

Don't expect them to just take it politely as if they deserve it. 

Don't encourage a child to join in the bashing of their own parent. 

Definitely, don't contribute to the ridicule, verbal abuse, or criticism to appease your family members, thereby communicating to your child that they are neither a priority, nor are they safe or protected when your side of the family is around. 

That kind of response doesn't build character, it breeds resentment and disappointment. 

Your child/children and spouse need to know that if no one else has their backs, you do. 

Don't let anyone come into your home, and you communicate that you regard them more than you do your own family.

Most people have no interest in being around people who mistreat, resent, or dislike them. Want to know why your child shuts down when your side of the family is around, or shuns them altogether? 

ASK them; hear them, and don't reject, disbelieve, trivialize, or minimize their reasons or the unfortunate incidents they share. 

Children often have no choice as to who's around them. They often have no voice, but they hear, retain, and process much more information that many think. They often have to take stuff that would prompt an adult to strike back verbally or physically. 

When they do reach adulthood, however, they are under no further obligation to take crap off of people--including family members. They are no longer required to hold their peace, even if in the past, their only motivation to keep silent in the face of awful relatives, was their respect for their parents. When they become adults, they are free to create their own circles of friends; maintain the relationships of their choice, and childhood experiences often influence their decisions as to who's in and who's out. 

They continue, however, to celebrate, visit, and remain in contact with those adults who were good to them. They embrace those who offered security and a pleasant atmosphere. 

They rally around those who demonstrated genuine care, and inspire good memories--and they make no apologies for it.

Just because one may have been around during a person's childhood, doesn't mean a continued relationship into their adulthood is a given. 

It's not about un-forgiveness, bitterness, a lack of Christian love, or failure to be the bigger person. 

It's about a desire to, as much as possible, minimize the unneeded drama and stress in one's life. 

It's easy to put one's unpleasant past behind, but when that unpleasantness and the people who perpetuated it, insist on stinking up the present and future, then, choices have to be made. 

When an attempt is made to rekindle a relationship, and it becomes apparent that the same unbearable issues, that tarnished the relationship in the past, still exist, then, people tend to stop trying. 

Why people who are hateful and hurtful expect others to stick around, is a mystery to me. 

"That's just the way I am." is one of the sorriest excuses on Earth for being a jerk.

Be kind to your nieces and nephews --and always keep in mind that their beloved parent is the individual your sibling chose as a mate or significant other--whether you approved of the marriage/relationship or not. 

Watch what you say and do around your young relatives. 

If your dislike of a brother or sister-in-law, or disapproval of a marriage/relationship is going to spill over and cause you to resent or demonize your nephews and/or nieces, then consider staying away from them until you get yourself together. 

Don't let them become adults whose memories of you are riddled with your attempts to destroy the harmony in their home, and then wonder why they make themselves scarce.

Remember: Children are innocent bystanders.

Happy Holidays....: )