SATURDAY THOUGHTS: HARMONY WINS

For years, they've been picking up the phone, calling them to talk about/complain about you. Subsequently, they've been picking up the phone to call you to talk about/complain about them. Then, one fine day, you both get wise, and ask yourselves:
Why would someone want me to think less of someone else?
Why would someone want me to join in their dislike of, criticism of, disappointment with someone else--someone who has never done anything to harm me?

What is the payoff for maligning another person? Is it just sport to watch people grow farther and farther apart, or never get together at all?
How much do I truly know if I only have one version of a story?
Why am I not using my brain, and allowing someone to manipulate me and shape my thoughts?
What relationship(s) am I forfeiting by not using my own brain?
What support have I failed to offer and how much undeserved criticism have I given?
Just because someone is mad, do I have to be mad as well?
What is the truth, and to whom do I need to offer a sincere apology?

On that same fine day, you talk to each other and compare notes. It's the biggest "Aha Moment" of the century. You've both been played against each other, but now you're on the same team.

There's a common denominator and when you identify it, problem solved. Beef quashed. Misunderstanding understood. The hidden hand that's been throwing rocks will be exposed. The day you take back your listening ear and refuse to entertain, or cosign the words and sentiments a strife-loving individual, is the day your relationships with others will be mended. 

The day you realize that you don't have to agree with, or join in the bashing of another individual is the day at least one caller might lose your number on purpose.

Gossips need others to fuel their efforts. When you take back your support, stop agreeing, offer a different perspective, or defend the person who is being maligned, watch the gossip's reaction. Conversations will abruptly end. When people realize that you will no longer entertain their foolishness, don't be surprised if you become the topic of their next gossip campaign. Understand that a gossip is loyal to no one.

You may be surprised to find who's sowing seeds of discord amongst your family and friends. Why anyone would endeavor to pit you against others (and vice versa) --especially those closest to you isn't a mystery. 

Some people want to be right more than they want to be honest. People need allies even if it means creating division, and then they lament and wonder why no one is engaging, why there's distance, mistrust and strife. 

It's a shame but some people derive great benefit from keeping people at odds. Strife lovers want people fighting. It supports their cause and justifies their words.

It's not unusual to believe the words of someone you've always trusted, but even that person's words can be fortified with ulterior motives and overrun with lies. Frankly, there are people who thrive on discord. They like arguments and disagreements especially if the fallout is in their favor.

The next time someone seeks you out to badmouth someone else, shut it down immediately, and change the conversation. What could happen? Either they'll stop calling you or they'll find something more wholesome and edifying to talk about.

One must soberly consider how one treats others, and monitor what one says and does. My grandmother used to say, "Be nice to everybody. You never know who's gonna have to give you your last drink of water". Someone else ended my grandmother's  proverb this way: "You never know who's gonna have to wipe your ass". It's a hard pill to swallow when the person one has mistreated the most, is the one who shows up to help the most.

The last thing some people want to see is harmony. Champion it. Show it to them anyway.

CAREGIVER DIARIES: WAKING THOUGHTS

You don't have to answer someone's pettiness with a new and improved version of your own. 

We all have another, seedy, vengeful side that's always itching to come out and terrorize the playground, but we don't have to let it out of the classroom. 

It's not even about being the bigger person, it's about maintaining your own health and well-being. 

Let others be petty and small. Choose the high road. Keep doing what you've been doing-- not because you have to--but because it's right.

Many are so consumed with mourning who is not on the job, that they mistreat those who are.

Sometimes you have to remind others who you are NOT. What you are, however is present, accounted for, committed, concerned, consistent, and doing your very best. 

If others would prefer someone else, perhaps it's time they open their eyes...or their wallets. 

Whether it's wives, husbands, significant others, choir members, volunteers, or caregivers, sometimes a dry well is just the shocker people need to make them appreciate what they have, and what is being done on their behalf.

When one says they're going to...let's say... take a seasoned citizen out for breakfast, guess what the seasoned citizen does? 

Rises out of bed ultra early-- at the crack OF the crack of dawn, to get ready, then sits near a window and eagerly looks for a car to pull into the driveway. When one calls 5 minutes before the seasoned citizen is anticipating walking out the door and cancels, guess what the seasoned citizen does? 

It's strangely, almost like what happens when a non-custodial parent fails to show up to pick up their child for the weekend. 

Someone else, then, has to deal with the disappointment--and it's best to always be prepared to do just that. 

Whether it makes things better, is comparable, is accepted, or rejected, is debatable, but switching gears and springing into action (when your springer isn't exactly awake) is at least something.

FRIDAY THOUGHTS: SEE THE LIGHT

Your best is quite good enough for someone else. 

Oh, yes it is. 

Perhaps the notion has been obscured by one too many encounters with the impossible. 

Maybe your best has been lost in a toxic environment where help is greatly needed, but fiercely resented, or unappreciated. 

Someone else would greatly welcome your presence, efforts, time, insight, patience, expertise, love, care, resources, and help. It's not a threat, nor a puffed up declaration. It's just the truth--a truth that self-centered, ungrateful individuals hope you never learn. 
Sometimes you have to shift into "heartily as unto the Lord" mode, and stay there. 

Some people will never be pleased; 

will never be satisfied; 

will never be thankful; 

will never change their ways; 

will never say, "I'm sorry"; 

will never tell the truth; 

will never say, "I was wrong"; 

will never seek peace; 

will always cast their negativity onto others; 

will always play the victim; 

will always try to take others down with them; 

will always find something to criticize and pick apart, because they delight in making others feel small, incompetent, and inadequate. 

It's the only way they can feel good about themselves. 

When you finally realize that the giant/bully in your life is operating out of a place of utter weakness, uncertainty, insecurity, ignorance, hurt, and fear, your responses to them, their words, and actions will drastically change. 

You used to become perplexed and cry. You used to run away or quit.

Not any more. 

It's not that you've become cold or mean, or don't have any more tears, it's just that you can find much better use for them.

People may seem to attack, but when you stop cowering long enough, you can see what they're really throwing at you, and how wild and poor their aim actually is. 

If you look closely, even their weapons are weak--they just appear to be big and loud. 

You haven't lost any blood at all. 

You don't have any broken bones. 

You've been listening to, and looking at their report. Now, you see the truth. 

When you don't respond like you used to, it confuses toxic people; makes them angrier, and forces them to look at themselves and their deplorable behavior toward those who have shown them nothing but kindness. 

The truth IS the light. 

They can push all of the buttons they want, and you won't budge. 

You won't feel wounded or frustrated any more. You'll recognize and enjoy the support, love and encouragement of those who are secure enough to have your back; who DO see, and know your worth, and wouldn't dare tear you down, use, or harm you. 
And to think--you've been breaking your neck trying to figure out what you've done wrong, running for cover, defending, and beating up on yourself! 

Stop it! 

The cantankerous, mean-spirited, manipulative, oppressive, arrogant, angry spirits among us will never be happy--especially not with your light (that they can't control) messing up their carefully crafted darkness. 
Don't let the toxicity in someone else change who you are. 

Soar above it, and keep shining.

MONDAY THOUGHTS: OTHER MESSAGES

So...I took a little time to explore/clean out the messages section of my Facebook page. They do tend to pile up! 

Lots of invitations, recommendations, offers, announcements (and craziness) are there.

I admit, I don't check them every day. 

Most times, if something is pressing, I'll get a "check your inbox" reminder on the page--or a phone call. 

The inbox, as you all know, includes unread, archived, and spam messages. As with e-mail, sometimes the host will take it upon itself to determine what's spam, so it's good to check it every now and then, so that you don't miss something important from an actual friend. 

Yesterday, however, was the FIRST time, since I joined Facebook back in 2009 (I think), that I explored the messages section labeled "OTHER". 

I did my best to apologetically respond to the very kind words of people who were not Facebook friends, but were allowed to message me about one thing or another, because of my settings.

And then, there were those, who think Facebook is Cavemanbook:"You! I saw your picture! I want you! Talk to me, now! Accept my friend request, now!"

Whew!...Very scary...lol.

The remainder were interesting, too. 

Some users have either established Rules for Use, or somehow believe that everyone uses Facebook the same way that they do.

 

And then, there were the offended message senders. 

After I did not reply in a timely fashion to the first messages they sent, one writer got a little snippy in their subsequent attempts to reach me: 

"Um. Excuse me. HELLO? Too busy to reply?"

"I'm trying to get you some exposure. 

This is a great opportunity. 

You need to get back to me".

"I guess you don't talk to little people".

"So you're just not going to answer?".

"I see you on here every day posting stuff, so I know you see this. Could you at least give me a yes or no? I need to know something by Friday."

Well, whatever the pressing thing was took place on a Friday in 2011. I guess I missed something, huh?

I'll try to do better about reading messages, especially since some actually made my day (Thank you, Rina Parikh, Conrad Miller, Lidia Estrada Martinez, and Bee Jay), but I still don't respond to snippiness. (Is that a word?) 

Why immediately go negative? 

It is possible that users aren't being rude or dismissive. They simply don't get or see messages. 

Does anyone think there's anything about a bad attitude, or aggressive manner that will inspire someone to open up; respond, or be happy to see their face--even online?

Silence, whether it is deliberate or not, is a response, however it is one that some people don't exactly appreciate. I've learned that in my old age. Certainly, no one wants to be ignored, but how one approaches others will definitely impact the response one gets. It's even more important to curb one's attitude when engaging strangers. 

Facebook has facilitated the delusion that friendships exist where they don't. It has also given users the idea that others are obligated to connect and converse.

When people want to engage, and don't get the immediate response they're seeking, I imagine it can be frustrating, but one should never venture so far as to be demanding or pushy. 

Copping an attitude just seems a bit childish, and sends up red flags. Becoming defensive, or being offended demonstrates quite a lot of nerve, especially when one is attempting to engage a stranger.

Frankly, it seems that some people go about looking for confrontations, altercations and arguments--or reasons to support their unreasonable or unfounded expectations and evaluations of others. 

A bad attitude, before an explanation is heard, 

(I didn't see it; 

I didn't get it; 

I didn't know that was there; 

My internet is down; 

I was in the hospital:

My account was hacked;

I've been extremely busy; 

I'm on a social networking break; 

I accidentally deleted it; 

The dog ate my computer), 

will greatly contribute to the lack of access-- or continued silence.

#socialmedia

#facebook

#attitudeiseverything

#benice

CAREGIVER DIARIES: WHO'S CALLING?

The phone ringing early this morning, reminded me of yesterday.

It was closing in on 7:30, but I had been awake for hours. How little sleep I apparently need, as I get older, has been a surprising thing to me. 

Each day, I recall my grandmother's reference to "soon in the morning"...

I realized that I'm a cell phone girl in a home phone world.

One has an old-school, loud, black rotary phone type ring.

One yells out the name of the caller as phonetically as it can.

One plays "Red River Valley"--creepy chime-style.

One yells out the phone number of the caller-- slowly and deliberately-- like a robot.

One has an answering machine set on speaker mode.

All of this happens simultaneously.

It's quite a startling concert, and breaks through the morning or evening silence like a jackhammer.

I think I'm going to write a book or manual for people who either don't understand the day-to-day of caregiving, or they're just thoughtless, nosy, antagonistic jerks.

Just because a person is a seasoned citizen, doesn't mean they don't need rest or sleep. Just because YOU'RE up and about at the crack of dawn, doesn't mean THEY are.

I think every retired, seasoned citizen has earned the right to spend his or her time and resources any way they want. 

I think it's perfectly fine for someone to use their resources to make their lives more manageable and comfortable. Some people have an awfully skewed concept of what it means to help. 

What I've noticed, is that a lot of people have been helping themselves to what belongs to others, and taking advantage of the vulnerability of others. 

Keep an eye on the seasoned citizens in your life.

Too often, people look at seasoned citizens as deep-pocketed people who have nothing to do, so they are put upon, taken advantage of, scammed, dragged places they don't really want to go, hit up for money, and stripped of their choices. I could go on. 

I am kind of amused, however, by those who think it's their job to make late night and early morning phone calls to micromanage the in-home care giver--as if what YOU have to do doesn't require sleep or rest, either.

When I answer any one of the phones, I've learned it's not MY voice the callers were expecting. ("Oh SHE'S there?" Wow. "SHE". 

The thoughtless busybodies say it as if you're not a caring family member, but some crackhead, psycho stranger who just got released from two-terms in Folsom prison.) 

They respond as if speech is a new concept. 

You're patiently waiting for them to identify themselves, as they continue stumbling and fumbling over words. They know they're out of order, calling at the crack of the crack of dawn, but their insensitivity, unfortunately, has been allowed.

It's cool though. After being ripped from sleep, you realize you DID wake up, and for that, you're thankful. It's wonderful to be alive. In addition to thankfulness, speaking up, in love, and without apology are wonderful things, too. 

One must set boundaries. If the WORSE offender can apologize, and admit to having been a bit deliberate and divisive in his actions, and frequently crossing the line into Too Familiar Territory, then there's certainly hope for the rest.
  
Most caregiver's only aim and wish, is the wholeness, and well-being of the individual(s) they serve. That's certainly not something that any sane person would endeavor to sabotage. 

One must always assume, however, that some people just don't know any better.

 

It's never too late, then, for lessons from the New, Improved, Home Training 101 manual:

1. When you phone someone's home, say, "Hello".

2. If a person is on a fixed income, get out of their pockets.

3. If you're coming to take out the trash, take it ALL out.

4. If someone has dietary restrictions, don't show up with stuff that's liable to kill them.

5. The last person who needs to be aggravated is the person tasked to care for someone else.

6. If you're going to visit, call first...Don't show up at breakfast/lunch/dinnertime. The caregiver is in place to help the afflicted person, not serve as a maid or butler to everyone else.

7.If a seasoned citizen says, "I have a cold", don't be an idiot and visit them anyway. 

YOUR germs are more detrimental to them, than theirs are to you.

Dear Care Givers everywhere, NEVER apologize to ANYONE for what you have been AUTHORIZED to do in the interest of your loved ones.
Someone has to help me understand how people view seasoned citizens as people who need to be taken advantage of.  "Oh, they're not using it."..."Oh, they don't need it"..."Oh, they won't miss it"...."Oh, it won't bother them"..."Oh, they won't see it", "Oh it's not in their way", "Oh, they won't mind"...ugh...
Seems to me, if you're visiting a senior citizen whose had some health issues, you wouldn't show up empty handed--and you definitely wouldn't take from their resources-- monetary or otherwise. 
I need prayer. Biting my tongue is getting increasingly difficult...maybe, for once in my passive life, that's a good thing.

Yesterday, I traveled to my childhood church to celebrate the life of a delightful, talented woman I'd known since I was 8 years old. Thelma Allen Lucky's funeral took me back in time. Sitting in Bethlehem Baptist Church was therapeutic. Singing (which wasn't planned)--was too. I saw so many men and women who were once young and spry; who, when they were my age, I thought were old. So many of them offered unsolicited, yet welcomed words of encouragement. More than once, I heard, "One day at a time."
I left feeling even more grateful and focused. Ms. Lucky lived a life of constant service to others. Ninety-five years. In the end, she was honored by those whose lives she'd touched. She'd fought a good fight, and no one said it was all a bed of roses, but then, perhaps it's not supposed to be.

In the effort to serve, some days are easier than others, but since you can't control what people will do or say, the only thing you can do is monitor your own responses, and some of them will surprise even you. 

I'm grateful for those discerning individuals who know what you're going through, and seek to make it easier, even if only through prayer. So many of my peers are in care giving roles now. It's nice to have the support of those who understand, and can share information that is helpful not only to you but your loved one as well.

My re-test is going along nicely today. 

It seems as if everywhere I go, there's someone planted to give me an encouraging word.
I love it.

I COULD HAVE SWORN...

I was really looking forward to my root beer yesterday....IBC...bottled...cold...last one...Oh, the whipping I would have gotten if I had walked into someone's home, and instead of immediately sitting my happy self down, I scanned the kitchen, and started begging for stuff before I even spoke to everyone inside... and going into someone's refrigerator?--without asking OR acquainting myself with soap and water? Lawd, Lawd, LAWD, I would have been the Hand-less Wonder FOR SURE.  Oh, Home Training, where art thou?

FRIDAY THOUGHTS: A BAD DREAM

I had a lovely day yesterday. 

I even turned in at a reasonable hour last night, however, I woke up this morning flustered and shaking. 

I don't know if I was crying in my dream, or if my cries were aloud. 

I took a deep breath, and felt that trembling/ rattling thing--that telltale sign, "

Yep. You've been crying".

I dreamed I was sitting at a large dining table in the home of a friend. 

Others were there, and we were enjoying a great meal, laughing and talking. 

Suddenly, we heard a key being inserted in the lock, and the door opened. 

My friend poked his head in, and was singing. "Finally!" we all shouted. "Where have you been?"

 He then closed the door, opened it again, and sang again. His voice was low, words slurred, and he didn't sound like himself at all. 

Then he just stood there, with the door wide open.

 He was wearing a beautiful grey wool coat. His shirt, slacks and shoes would have completed a stunning ensemble, except we noticed his shirt tail was out,  and his pants were unzipped. 

He was trying to stuff his shirt tail back into his pants with one hand, but wasn't having much success.

 Someone got up from the table to greet him. 

It was cold outside, and everyone was complaining, "Close the door! There's a draft in here!" 

He was grinning as he stood in the doorway, but saying nothing. His countenance wasn't sinister, just mischievous--goofy even--sort of like the expressions of the TV characters George Sunday and Father Dougal McGuire. 

There was a deliberate clueless-ness on his face, as he stood. He wasn't really looking at, nor toward us, but over us, and off into the distance, yet seeming to know that all eyes were on him. 

His own eyes were wide ,and he just stood there. 

I noticed that he had a large suitcase with him, and he seemed to be weaving a bit. 

I wondered if he had driven himself home, or if someone had dropped him off. I wondered if he had been drinking, because he just stood there swaying from side to side, back to front. 

It seemed as if he'd fall. 

The guy who'd gotten up to greet him must have spent 5 or 10 minutes trying to get him to come inside. Finally, he did come in, and staggered around to my side of the table. 

I got up to greet him, and joked about him appearing to be drunk. 

As I reached out, he fell backward. 

I was suddenly on the floor talking to him, asking him if he could hear me. 

I was crying and asking him what happened. 

I put my face close to his so that I could hear what he was saying. Then I screamed for someone to call an ambulance. 

He whispered, "Listen to me because I don't have a lot of time. I can feel myself going". 

He either said, "Keep singing" or "Sing the song". Then he turned his head to the side and closed his eyes. 

I was shaking him and screaming, "No, no, no! Wake up! Please don't go! Please don't go!" I was looking around for someone to help me, but everyone was standing in a semi-circle; looking down at us with sad looks on their faces. 

I was hugging my friend, and crying uncontrollably, then I woke up.

Now, I'm wondering what it all meant.