WEDNESDAY THOUGHTS: CAREGIVER DIARIES

I had nice talks with an old friend, and my sisters today.

 

It's good when people have your back, and you can vent freely, and get honest, helpful feedback. 

It's good when people understand precisely what or who you're dealing with, and offer sound advice that will relieve unwanted stress. 

Just a few minutes ago, I read Marsha Burns' devotional:


"Keep yourself from defilement. This may require pulling back from activities and relationships that are not beneficial to you.  Stop and consider what, and who influences you the most, and make sure the input is positive and not negative. Your relationship with Me, says the Lord, requires time and spiritual effort as you allow Me to be the greatest influence in your life."

 

The scripture reference was Psalms 62:7. 

"In God is my salvation and my glory; the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God."  

I sure wish I'd read it the first thing this morning! 

It would have prepared me for yet another post-visitor confrontation.

Once again, they came, left, and their messy ways and words threatened to cause friction. 

Their long arms are still trying to reach into this household and tear it apart. 

They're still trying to drive wedges. 

For the life of me, I don't know why. 

Someone suggested that their behavior is motivated by envy, and unhappiness. 

Some people simply want what they think you have without realizing there's absolutely nothing stopping them from having it too. It's their own hateful ways that are blocking it.

 
Their meddling almost worked. 

It's true. 

Things will change when your responses change. 

Caregivers, 

You know who you are. 

You don't have to defend your integrity. 

You know what you do each day, and why. 

You don't have to report to anyone who is neither supporting nor compensating you. 

You matter, in spite of those who think you don't. 

You don't ever have to feed into, or exist in the chaos that others attempt to create. 

You don't have to answer a fool--even if you are related. 

You don't have to defend yourself when right is on your side. You don't have to explain to anyone who isn't doing squat to assist you in your efforts. 

You don't have to tidy up behind those who think they're making work for you, either. 

They think that because you care, they don't have to. 

Sometimes, people think they have permission to dismiss and demean you in your own home. 

Because they think they're more important than you, they feel they can do and say whatever they want; just bulldoze their way in and topple you--and you'll dutifully clean up in their wake. 

They'll stop when they realize that neither Hazel, Florence, Cinderella nor Benson are going to show up. 

There is no maid or butler.

As a caregiver, you have to remember who you're working for. That's the only person who deserves an accounting. 

Ms. Burns offered a timely word today: "Keep yourself from defilement." 

"Defilement". 

That means, avoid injury and loss of sanctity, shun ugliness, and pollution. 

Maintain your beauty and purity. 

Don't let anything taint you, or like my big sister says, "get you out of character." 

There are those who are just itching to see your other side. You do have one, but you don't ever have to show it. 

You'd think that people would get tired of being evil. It takes an awful lot of work. 

There are those, however, who simply thrive in dysfunction. 

It's their thing. Their fuel is knowing their actions are working. Once you learn to ignore and pray for the nuisances in your life--laugh at them, even--your own blood pressure and stress level will subside. 

Stop. 

Look closely. 

How much power do people have aside from what you've given them? 

That's right. None. 

Cancel the noise.

My Facebook post from June 29, 2010 read: 

"Is anything too hard for the LORD ?..." 

~Genesis 18:14

 

"I am the LORD, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard

for me? 

~Jeremiah 32:27

I know that nothing is. I'm convinced of that. 

Today, I just needed him to prove it to me once again...and he did...AAAAAND---  
I got a break this morning courtesy of a very thoughtful deacon friend of Dad's.

The drama passed like it always does. 

I said what I needed to say, and that was that. 

I haven't always been so direct. 

I used to cry. I used to get my feelings hurt, and run. 

Not any more. 

Peace is precious, but not at any cost. 

Mercy is a motivator, but Truth is light and life.

Someone phoned with what was a bit of a threat. 

She seeks greater access (as if anyone is stopping her from doing anything). 

"Since I can't seem to get you on the phone, I'll just plan to come and visit you every two or three weeks. How's that? I'll just do that." 

As snippy and sarcastic as her tone was, I realized the message was for me, and I began to feel very sorry for the caller. 

She has children and grandchildren, and great grandchildren, but her fixation on what's happening here is bordering on obsession. 

She's not coming to visit to help, she's coming to run roughshod and inspect and see what she can get. 

She really thinks she's in charge. 

As one of the eldest members of the family, she could be enjoying the respect of everyone. Instead, her meddling ways repel, infuriate, and make her a laughingstock--like a lion with no teeth..or like a chihuahua who thinks she's a lion. 

She tried to bully others, and they promptly put her in her place. I took copious notes,

(Input is best when it is solicited, and gladly received from those who are respected.) 

She realized she has no power there, so she's trying her hand here. 

If only she could see how her busyness and bitterness is affecting her countenance and her physical and mental health. 

If only she could manage her own household, but it seems if she can't have harmony, no one should. 

She's coming here to be a pain. 

She will have a pain when she gets tired of working, spending her money, and not getting what she's really after. 

If she's coming for a confrontation, 911 is such an easy number for me to remember. 

I will waste no time calling. 

Some people need to be handled by God and the police.

Wait a minute... Coming here every two or three weeks has been an option all year? 

You mean I could have had some relief?  SUPER! Come on! Bring your best game...and your recipes, mop, broom, dustpan, rake, dish towel, gloves and elbow grease. 

I could use some help around here! 

What ever makes people think you're intimidated by, or afraid of them? 

What makes them think they have any say in your life, or that you are under any obligation to entertain them or their nonsense? 

In a caregiving situation, no one, NO ONE is on vacation. 

Everybody is on their own. 

Southern hospitality is over. 

If you don't want to work, there's no point in showing up, because no one will be serving, entertaining, or cleaning up behind you. 

You matter, but you are no longer the priority you may have been in the past. 

The only person who gets that honor is the ailing or elderly person.

 

If you show up for any other reason than to help, it won't be difficult to see through your scheme and detect what your real motives are. 

The ailing person isn't ailing so much that they don't recognize consistency. They know who pops in every now and then, and who's present all the time. 

They know who they can rely on, and who's never available. 

They know who's giving to them, and who's always phoning to take from them. 

Their bodies may be feeble, but their minds still work, and as they age, and that filter disappears, so does their loyalty. 

They talk badly about everybody--especially those who only call or show up when they want something.

 

Those who are always stirring up trouble, and micromanaging never seem to be able to stir themselves, show up, and help for any significant period of time.

I know I always have a choice in any matter. Some things we do out of obligation. 

There's a need. We're able and available. 

Good home training dictates that you be helpful when you can; that you look out for your parents--and other seniors, too. 

It's tough, but we tough it out. 

Roles change, and there is extreme pushback. Once fiercely independent people don't like having to depend on anyone. 

You, as a caregiver, may appear to be the enemy of their privacy and freedom. 

They need someone to lash out at and, very often, you're it. 

You let it roll off of your back, though. 

You learn to take nothing personally. 

You definitely don't take crap from people who are inconsistent and meddlesome.

Too much abuse, and you may conclude that caregiving is no longer worth the effort-- although you don't regret trying. 

Trying to make some things better, however, is a waste of time and energy. 

You cannot change people, or their way of thinking. 

Holding on to some things is detrimental to your own well being. 

Some things are never, ever going to improve, or be fixed, unless God does it, so the solution is to change yourself, your responses, your attitude, and if necessary, your location. 

That may mean limiting contact or severing ties with some people. That way, they don't have to have access to you to muck up your days. 

You can control that. Problem is, if they can't get to you, they'll attempt to get to those closest to you. 

Still, don't respond to craziness because it's...well...crazy.

 

There are situations that shouldn't make you weary. Sometimes we're:

exerting energy in the wrong places; 

extending a hand to the wrong people; 

being drained when we could be filled, fulfilled, happy, and appreciated; 

being abused when we could be loved; 

being attacked when we could be nurtured; being demeaned when we could be celebrated. 

Our intentions may be good, our motives pure, and our hearts in the right place, and our capabilities more than adequate, but are we where we're supposed to be? 

Are we sharing with the right people? 

Are we casting our pearls before swine? 

Are we tearing our hair out trying to reason with the unreasonable? 

Are we working on behalf of those who don't care, while forfeiting greener pastures? 

Are we killing ourselves trying to bring light into situations that prefer to be dark? 

If my problem is that I 

1. Don't like drama

2. Don't like unnecessary stress

3. Don't like messy people

4. Mind my own business, and think others should mind theirs

5. Prefer a clean, orderly environment

6. Don't like to argue

7. Think elderly people should remain in their own homes if they wish

8. Respect the personal boundaries of others and defend my own

9. Prefer peace and harmony to madness

10. Abhor busybodies

then, yes. I have a problem--a problem I don't mind keeping.

 

Now, who do I think I am that the enemy won't try me here--and use people who should/could be helping me to hurt me? 

Who am I to forget to turn them over to Jesus? 

I know better. 

Thanks, God. I know you've got it. 

Attitude adjusted.

I'm going to just sit here, drink my ginger tea, and watch you work.