CAREGIVER DIARIES: YESTERDAY

The day ended so much more pleasantly than it began. It was nice to have dinner with my best friend from high school and and a family friend of hers. She had driven to the DMV from South Carolina and stopped by the house. "Come on, get your purse. I'm kidnapping you." I'm so glad she did. Ironically, both of them had been caregivers, and their humor, advice, and wisdom was like a shot in the arm.

1. Caregiving becomes more difficult when someone who doesn't want you there is in your loved one's ear. You can always tell because it will abruptly come out in his conversation and it won't seem natural, but other people and what they say are not your priority. Remember the oxygen rule on the plane--You first, then your loved one.
2. Take time for yourself. You have to ask yourself, "Who's caring for the person who's caregiving? Someone had better be, and who better than you?
3. Others can see the stress you're under. It's always visible. If they care they'll help, but you have to remember to reach out. A lot of people will assume, "Oh, she's got it" and go on about their business.
4. Document as if you're on a paying job. That way, people who are hoping he will mistrust you won't have a leg to stand on. Answer doubts and fears with facts and truth.
5. Don't waste any energy on people who antagonize the situation from a distance. They don't matter. They're like dogs with no teeth, and they ought to be ashamed of themselves. You have to assume that people don't know any better. If they did, they'd definitely do better.
6. Find a support group in your area. People who share your experience are a great comfort and resource. They know what's going on and what to anticipate.
7. Take walks.
Being defensive may have worked years ago. It will only frustrate you now. Just let stuff roll off. Don't take anything personally. Don't internalize anything.
8. Angry people aren't rational. Don't argue with them.
9. Go further than the flower beds outside. Get out. A change of scenery is always good.
10. Anyone who has a problem with you caring for your own father is the one who has the problem. Forget them.

God planned the day. I just know it. I love his rescues. Sometimes, you do have to take a minute for yourself and regroup. I'm glad I let my friend talk me into going.

The great Nina Simone said, "You have to learn to get up from the table when love is not being served." 

Love wasn't exactly being served earlier in the day, but it was served at an oval table at Jaspers in Upper Marlboro. The salmon was delicious, the service was great and the company was too.
Thanks Marcia and Charles. You're angels.