NEW DAY

If I didn't know better, I'd think Marsha Burns was spying on me. Isn't it something how a timely word can get you together, and change your perspective. Wow.I wish I could thank her. The encouragement I've been given in the past few days has been so wonderful. Here's today's very timely and wise devotional from Small Straws in a Soft Wind. It made me smile and I thought I'd share. I hope you smile, too:

 

"Put your issues aside and stop fussing over things that are basically inconsequential.  Quiet your soul and find your place of peace.  Begin again with a clean slate, leaving behind all the things that have kept you in turmoil.  You have very little authority or control over most of the things you worry about.  Re-establish spiritual perspective, says the Lord."  Matthew 6:27 "Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?            

THURSDAY THOUGHTS: FAVOR

Your name comes up in a planning meeting. If one person rejects you, what happens? Will others ask why? Will they ignore the vote of no confidence and overrule? Will they fight for you based on their positive experience with you? 

Thank goodness for people who have minds of their own; who are discerning; who aren't swayed, and acknowledge your worth and what you bring to the table.
 
There are those who you would think are enjoying the races they run. It sure looks like it. Instead, they're busy looking back to see if you've laced up your running shoes. With their eyes off of their own path, they're losing time; threatening to hit a wall, or tumble off of a curb. Too bad they can't see or hear that others have actually been cheering for them from the sidelines. You have no desire to compete. If you're even in the race, it's because God created a lane for you.

When you find out who has been trying to exclude you; who's speaking for you unauthorized, badmouthing you; plotting and scheming, distancing themselves and sabotaging, it may be a bit unnerving and disappointing, but remember: God knows a lot of people--a whole lot of people. His windows are bigger than man's doors. He will put your name in the minds of people who have been watching your walk. You won't have to run or break a sweat.  

#patiencegraceandfavor

CAREGIVER DIARIES: YESTERDAY

The day ended so much more pleasantly than it began. It was nice to have dinner with my best friend from high school and and a family friend of hers. She had driven to the DMV from South Carolina and stopped by the house. "Come on, get your purse. I'm kidnapping you." I'm so glad she did. Ironically, both of them had been caregivers, and their humor, advice, and wisdom was like a shot in the arm.

1. Caregiving becomes more difficult when someone who doesn't want you there is in your loved one's ear. You can always tell because it will abruptly come out in his conversation and it won't seem natural, but other people and what they say are not your priority. Remember the oxygen rule on the plane--You first, then your loved one.
2. Take time for yourself. You have to ask yourself, "Who's caring for the person who's caregiving? Someone had better be, and who better than you?
3. Others can see the stress you're under. It's always visible. If they care they'll help, but you have to remember to reach out. A lot of people will assume, "Oh, she's got it" and go on about their business.
4. Document as if you're on a paying job. That way, people who are hoping he will mistrust you won't have a leg to stand on. Answer doubts and fears with facts and truth.
5. Don't waste any energy on people who antagonize the situation from a distance. They don't matter. They're like dogs with no teeth, and they ought to be ashamed of themselves. You have to assume that people don't know any better. If they did, they'd definitely do better.
6. Find a support group in your area. People who share your experience are a great comfort and resource. They know what's going on and what to anticipate.
7. Take walks.
Being defensive may have worked years ago. It will only frustrate you now. Just let stuff roll off. Don't take anything personally. Don't internalize anything.
8. Angry people aren't rational. Don't argue with them.
9. Go further than the flower beds outside. Get out. A change of scenery is always good.
10. Anyone who has a problem with you caring for your own father is the one who has the problem. Forget them.

God planned the day. I just know it. I love his rescues. Sometimes, you do have to take a minute for yourself and regroup. I'm glad I let my friend talk me into going.

The great Nina Simone said, "You have to learn to get up from the table when love is not being served." 

Love wasn't exactly being served earlier in the day, but it was served at an oval table at Jaspers in Upper Marlboro. The salmon was delicious, the service was great and the company was too.
Thanks Marcia and Charles. You're angels.

WEDNESDAY THOUGHTS: CAREGIVER DIARIES

I had nice talks with an old friend, and my sisters today.

 

It's good when people have your back, and you can vent freely, and get honest, helpful feedback. 

It's good when people understand precisely what or who you're dealing with, and offer sound advice that will relieve unwanted stress. 

Just a few minutes ago, I read Marsha Burns' devotional:


"Keep yourself from defilement. This may require pulling back from activities and relationships that are not beneficial to you.  Stop and consider what, and who influences you the most, and make sure the input is positive and not negative. Your relationship with Me, says the Lord, requires time and spiritual effort as you allow Me to be the greatest influence in your life."

 

The scripture reference was Psalms 62:7. 

"In God is my salvation and my glory; the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God."  

I sure wish I'd read it the first thing this morning! 

It would have prepared me for yet another post-visitor confrontation.

Once again, they came, left, and their messy ways and words threatened to cause friction. 

Their long arms are still trying to reach into this household and tear it apart. 

They're still trying to drive wedges. 

For the life of me, I don't know why. 

Someone suggested that their behavior is motivated by envy, and unhappiness. 

Some people simply want what they think you have without realizing there's absolutely nothing stopping them from having it too. It's their own hateful ways that are blocking it.

 
Their meddling almost worked. 

It's true. 

Things will change when your responses change. 

Caregivers, 

You know who you are. 

You don't have to defend your integrity. 

You know what you do each day, and why. 

You don't have to report to anyone who is neither supporting nor compensating you. 

You matter, in spite of those who think you don't. 

You don't ever have to feed into, or exist in the chaos that others attempt to create. 

You don't have to answer a fool--even if you are related. 

You don't have to defend yourself when right is on your side. You don't have to explain to anyone who isn't doing squat to assist you in your efforts. 

You don't have to tidy up behind those who think they're making work for you, either. 

They think that because you care, they don't have to. 

Sometimes, people think they have permission to dismiss and demean you in your own home. 

Because they think they're more important than you, they feel they can do and say whatever they want; just bulldoze their way in and topple you--and you'll dutifully clean up in their wake. 

They'll stop when they realize that neither Hazel, Florence, Cinderella nor Benson are going to show up. 

There is no maid or butler.

As a caregiver, you have to remember who you're working for. That's the only person who deserves an accounting. 

Ms. Burns offered a timely word today: "Keep yourself from defilement." 

"Defilement". 

That means, avoid injury and loss of sanctity, shun ugliness, and pollution. 

Maintain your beauty and purity. 

Don't let anything taint you, or like my big sister says, "get you out of character." 

There are those who are just itching to see your other side. You do have one, but you don't ever have to show it. 

You'd think that people would get tired of being evil. It takes an awful lot of work. 

There are those, however, who simply thrive in dysfunction. 

It's their thing. Their fuel is knowing their actions are working. Once you learn to ignore and pray for the nuisances in your life--laugh at them, even--your own blood pressure and stress level will subside. 

Stop. 

Look closely. 

How much power do people have aside from what you've given them? 

That's right. None. 

Cancel the noise.

My Facebook post from June 29, 2010 read: 

"Is anything too hard for the LORD ?..." 

~Genesis 18:14

 

"I am the LORD, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard

for me? 

~Jeremiah 32:27

I know that nothing is. I'm convinced of that. 

Today, I just needed him to prove it to me once again...and he did...AAAAAND---  
I got a break this morning courtesy of a very thoughtful deacon friend of Dad's.

The drama passed like it always does. 

I said what I needed to say, and that was that. 

I haven't always been so direct. 

I used to cry. I used to get my feelings hurt, and run. 

Not any more. 

Peace is precious, but not at any cost. 

Mercy is a motivator, but Truth is light and life.

Someone phoned with what was a bit of a threat. 

She seeks greater access (as if anyone is stopping her from doing anything). 

"Since I can't seem to get you on the phone, I'll just plan to come and visit you every two or three weeks. How's that? I'll just do that." 

As snippy and sarcastic as her tone was, I realized the message was for me, and I began to feel very sorry for the caller. 

She has children and grandchildren, and great grandchildren, but her fixation on what's happening here is bordering on obsession. 

She's not coming to visit to help, she's coming to run roughshod and inspect and see what she can get. 

She really thinks she's in charge. 

As one of the eldest members of the family, she could be enjoying the respect of everyone. Instead, her meddling ways repel, infuriate, and make her a laughingstock--like a lion with no teeth..or like a chihuahua who thinks she's a lion. 

She tried to bully others, and they promptly put her in her place. I took copious notes,

(Input is best when it is solicited, and gladly received from those who are respected.) 

She realized she has no power there, so she's trying her hand here. 

If only she could see how her busyness and bitterness is affecting her countenance and her physical and mental health. 

If only she could manage her own household, but it seems if she can't have harmony, no one should. 

She's coming here to be a pain. 

She will have a pain when she gets tired of working, spending her money, and not getting what she's really after. 

If she's coming for a confrontation, 911 is such an easy number for me to remember. 

I will waste no time calling. 

Some people need to be handled by God and the police.

Wait a minute... Coming here every two or three weeks has been an option all year? 

You mean I could have had some relief?  SUPER! Come on! Bring your best game...and your recipes, mop, broom, dustpan, rake, dish towel, gloves and elbow grease. 

I could use some help around here! 

What ever makes people think you're intimidated by, or afraid of them? 

What makes them think they have any say in your life, or that you are under any obligation to entertain them or their nonsense? 

In a caregiving situation, no one, NO ONE is on vacation. 

Everybody is on their own. 

Southern hospitality is over. 

If you don't want to work, there's no point in showing up, because no one will be serving, entertaining, or cleaning up behind you. 

You matter, but you are no longer the priority you may have been in the past. 

The only person who gets that honor is the ailing or elderly person.

 

If you show up for any other reason than to help, it won't be difficult to see through your scheme and detect what your real motives are. 

The ailing person isn't ailing so much that they don't recognize consistency. They know who pops in every now and then, and who's present all the time. 

They know who they can rely on, and who's never available. 

They know who's giving to them, and who's always phoning to take from them. 

Their bodies may be feeble, but their minds still work, and as they age, and that filter disappears, so does their loyalty. 

They talk badly about everybody--especially those who only call or show up when they want something.

 

Those who are always stirring up trouble, and micromanaging never seem to be able to stir themselves, show up, and help for any significant period of time.

I know I always have a choice in any matter. Some things we do out of obligation. 

There's a need. We're able and available. 

Good home training dictates that you be helpful when you can; that you look out for your parents--and other seniors, too. 

It's tough, but we tough it out. 

Roles change, and there is extreme pushback. Once fiercely independent people don't like having to depend on anyone. 

You, as a caregiver, may appear to be the enemy of their privacy and freedom. 

They need someone to lash out at and, very often, you're it. 

You let it roll off of your back, though. 

You learn to take nothing personally. 

You definitely don't take crap from people who are inconsistent and meddlesome.

Too much abuse, and you may conclude that caregiving is no longer worth the effort-- although you don't regret trying. 

Trying to make some things better, however, is a waste of time and energy. 

You cannot change people, or their way of thinking. 

Holding on to some things is detrimental to your own well being. 

Some things are never, ever going to improve, or be fixed, unless God does it, so the solution is to change yourself, your responses, your attitude, and if necessary, your location. 

That may mean limiting contact or severing ties with some people. That way, they don't have to have access to you to muck up your days. 

You can control that. Problem is, if they can't get to you, they'll attempt to get to those closest to you. 

Still, don't respond to craziness because it's...well...crazy.

 

There are situations that shouldn't make you weary. Sometimes we're:

exerting energy in the wrong places; 

extending a hand to the wrong people; 

being drained when we could be filled, fulfilled, happy, and appreciated; 

being abused when we could be loved; 

being attacked when we could be nurtured; being demeaned when we could be celebrated. 

Our intentions may be good, our motives pure, and our hearts in the right place, and our capabilities more than adequate, but are we where we're supposed to be? 

Are we sharing with the right people? 

Are we casting our pearls before swine? 

Are we tearing our hair out trying to reason with the unreasonable? 

Are we working on behalf of those who don't care, while forfeiting greener pastures? 

Are we killing ourselves trying to bring light into situations that prefer to be dark? 

If my problem is that I 

1. Don't like drama

2. Don't like unnecessary stress

3. Don't like messy people

4. Mind my own business, and think others should mind theirs

5. Prefer a clean, orderly environment

6. Don't like to argue

7. Think elderly people should remain in their own homes if they wish

8. Respect the personal boundaries of others and defend my own

9. Prefer peace and harmony to madness

10. Abhor busybodies

then, yes. I have a problem--a problem I don't mind keeping.

 

Now, who do I think I am that the enemy won't try me here--and use people who should/could be helping me to hurt me? 

Who am I to forget to turn them over to Jesus? 

I know better. 

Thanks, God. I know you've got it. 

Attitude adjusted.

I'm going to just sit here, drink my ginger tea, and watch you work.

CAREGIVER DIARIES: ADULT CHILD

Being a caregiver has its own set of stressors. 

One doesn't need extra. 

Supportive and helpful people are what one needs, not crazies. 

As a caregiver you wear many hats; there's always something to do. You're not only attending to an individual's daily needs, you're managing their affairs as well. 

Clearly, some people have nothing better to do than to wreak havoc, and treat you as if you're their employee! 

They want attention. 

They want information. 

They want you to fear or respect them, but their contribution to the work is zero. 

When you don't shrink, or allow them to manipulate you, it infuriates them. 

Caregivers must pace themselves. 

There is no rule that you have to deal with anyone--especially if they've demonstrated that they don't particularly care for you, and are relentless in their attempts to negatively impact your life. 

Maybe it used to bother you. 

Maybe you used to wonder what you did to make people dislike you so. 

Maybe you've tried to be kind (or were made to be kind). 

If you were raised to be so, you make a gallant effort. After a while, in spite of your readiness for reconciliation, and love of harmony, you have to wash your hands of people.

There are people who have interfered with my immediate family for as long as I can remember--and they're still at it. They are living proof that people do what you allow. 

You cannot bury your head in the sand, or be too spineless to address ANYONE who is a nuisance. 

If you are married, and someone in your family has an issue with your spouse, and you don't THOROUGHLY check them, you're a fool who is inviting continuous trouble. 

You do not allow anyone to chip away at the foundation of your house for their amusement, or to feed their sick obsession. 

Your blind eye will be your undoing. 

Be careful who you think is your ally. 

Be careful who you think you need as an ally. 

Failure to chastise people; to escort them out of your personal affairs when you can and should, will backfire.

Growing up, I realized, early on, that their incessant meddling was a point of contention. It was always the basis of an argument. It was also the reason my mother abandoned her longtime dream of returning to her birthplace after she retired. 

She concluded that she simply wouldn't have any peace in her own home there. She would own it, but it wouldn't be hers. I didn't understand her reasoning, then. I remember seeing photographs of the house my parents had found. She loved it, and then abruptly changed her mind.

Why would people who have families, want to cause friction in yours? 

I am sitting here with the same knot in my stomach I felt as a child--and I'm mad at myself that it's there. Responses are within my control. 

Clearly there's some power I need to take back. 

I am 55 years old, and these people actually think they still have authority and influence. 

What they now have is my pity. 

I'm here. That's their real issue. I'm blocking their access, I guess. 

Yeah. I'm a big girl, but I'm not the police.

 

As my dad's caregiver, I realize now that I am the new target. I was accused yesterday of blocking their phone numbers from his home phone. 

That's the latest accusation. 

They phoned here in excess of 25 times starting around 7:30 AM. 

It is apparently more expedient to make me out to be some techno-communications witch than to consider:

1. There's something wrong with their phone line.

2. He's napping.

3. He's on another line.

4. He's in the bathroom.

5. He's simply not here.

I want to do something about this dysfunction, but I fear I'm not dealing with rational people at all. They're like vultures. 

They want something. 

They're waiting for something. 

They descend upon this house and a contentious, restless, toxic, antagonistic spirit comes with them.

My mother, the shamefully frequent object of their intrusiveness, is dead now, and free from it. 

She dealt with it in her own, quiet way. 

She was all for healthy living. 

She didn't abuse her body. 

I often wonder if stress was a factor in her Cancer diagnosis. 

My mother's death was supposed to mean easier, full access. 

My dad's illness threw a monkey wrench in the scheme. 

Folks have been waiting for a funeral (and stuff) since 2005, but he keeps on rebounding. 

I truly believe the Lord is not going to allow him to leave this Earth until this ridiculously long-running issue is resolved once and for all. 

They want to take from him. They feel entitled somehow, but no one really wants to come and do the work to care for him. 

They'd need to be compensated if they did. 

I'm not getting, nor have I requested a dime. 

He's my dad, but I'm in the way. 

Unbelievable.

I'm not a child, and have a vast vocabulary of words to use these days, but something keeps telling me to stand down; quiet my soul; continue honoring my dad; continue my routine. 

God's got this one. 

This is a spirit--an evil one that I don't have to fight. It's not MY fight, I've just been dragged into it. 

This bizarre situation was spawned before I was even born. It FEELS like I should boot up, and ball up my fists, but why? 

They've proven, by their foolish ways, that don't care about me at all--only as it relates to me caring for him. 

They are constantly sowing seeds of discord, and attempting to micromanage things here, but I realize I am a mere substitute for the woman they hated. 

I hear that I have "all of her ways", and it's said in the most snarky tone. 

I'm cool--and it's a compliment. 

My mother was a phenomenal woman. 

Hatred and jealousy will help these imps destroy themselves. 

They have only to look at their lives and see how desperately they need to take their attention away from here, and focus on their own houses. 

Hatred and jealousy, however, are blinding.

As a child, you are restrained. 

You can't say anything to the grownups in your parent's lives. You'd better not! 

It would be disrespectful. Funny. Wouldn't the constant, insensitive actions of pushy people, bent on destroying your family, fall under the "disrespectful" category? I guess not. 

You learn, though, that some people are threats to the harmony and peace in your home, primarily because they don't enjoy harmony and peace in theirs. 

Instead of taking notes from the pages of successful families, and implementing what they learn in their own spaces, they envy and seek to tarnish what they think they should, or can't have.

 

Parents, don't think your children don't see and hear EVERYTHING. 

Don't think they are oblivious to the dynamics in your family. 

They know how people feel about you. 

They also know who love, or resent them, and would rather they didn't exist. 

If those people never resolve their issues with you and your spouse, they will turn their attention to your children. Stop it NOW. 

Say something. 

If you are more afraid of the loss of meddling, manipulative people than you are the loss of your family's contentment...well...then, Coward, keep quiet. 

Keep denying that you had no hand in it, and can do nothing about it. 

Keep throwing the peace in your home under the bus. But rest assured, your adult children--who may be scarred, but aren't scared-- will have a lot to say.