According to dictionary.com a "father" is:
1. A male parent.
2. A father-in-law, stepfather, or adoptive father.
3. Any male ancestor, especially the founder of a race, family, or line; progenitor.
4. A man who exercises paternal care over other persons; paternal protector or provider.
5. A person who has originated or established something
While I understand the underlying sentiment of the "Happy Father's Day" greetings that have finally stopped filling my phone and social networking inboxes, I must, respectfully, reject them. Yes. I was the single parent in my home, but my child's father was also the single parent in his.
I think society and the law deemed me the "primary parent".
I can't honestly say, however, that raising my daughter was a solitary task.
There was a village.
Father's Day is all about the fellas, at least it's supposed to be, but, man do attitudes flare every year around this time, in June!
Many conclude that there is nothing to celebrate. Some lament that it's not a special day at all, and the sooner it's over, the better.
It's just another Sunday, and it conjures up too much bitterness and pain.
As I drove to my Dad's house, I noticed that there were no chocolate/teddy bear/roses/carnations/perfume vendors on every corner and highway island. There were no crowds were at the Hallmark displays at CVS. There were no restaurants packed with patrons.
Father's Day, to many, is a joke.
It's a day to do something to forget it.
It is not always the fault of fathers, whether Father's Day is happy, painful or shameful.
Sometimes, the shattered feelings of rejected mothers, who needed to be loved, chosen, wanted, cared for, supported, acknowledged, and protected, resulted in the fracturing of beneficial relationships between children and their fathers.
The emotional and fabricated substitutes just don't work.
Mothers can't be fathers to their children, any more than sons can be husbands to their mothers.
Money and resources are greatly needed, but at some point in my young, very green life, there was an "aha" moment when I fully understood the value of time. When I saw the look on my little girl's face when her very tall Dad picked her up, hugged her, and let her experience the air up there...well...let's just say my broken heart and I had to take several seats, and see the big picture.
I loved and missed him, and mourned an intact, traditional family for years, but it was impossible to ignore that she needed and loved, and revered him.
I could provide a lot, and did, but I could not be all things to my daughter.
I could not be her father.
Seeing my daughter and her dad together as adults, makes my heart very glad.
They look, laugh, and even sneeze alike.
They use the same mannerisms in conversation.
They have incredible work ethic.
They're problem solvers.
She's almost as tall as he is.
They're quite a team.
Children DO need their dads. We really do have to mind the messages we send to our children, and let our love for them overrule any issues we may have, or had with their other parent.
A child simply cannot get enough love.
Mommy's way to show it, although wonderfully wonderful, can and should, if possible, be supplemented by the wonderfulness (is that a word?) that Daddy has to offer.
Children WILL grow up. They will find out truths, and what we feed them when they are young, will affect how they view themselves, and manage their relationships with others.
Lying, scheming, and secrecy, will backfire.
Don't let your child find out that you were the reason a relationship never existed between.
Don't be the one who initiated the strain.
All of your hard work and sacrifice will be seen as manipulative and selfish.
Don't sow resentment and division.
You will reap it, when you could have had harmony.
Every episode of any one of the numerous paternity shows that features adult children, reveals the lingering pain that they feel when denied an opportunity to know their fathers.
Every mother always feels that her own efforts to house, feed, clothe, educate and socialize their child should have been enough. They feel that their child should have been happy and satisfied with just one parent's attention.
The truth is that mothers can't ever be fathers.
Arrogantly declaring, "I'm mother and father" may make one feel better about oneself, but it does nothing for what one's child needs.
Maybe your relationship didn't work out, but your child was not the result of an immaculate conception. If your only issue is that he's not with you, doesn't want you, or is in a relationship someone else, don't punish your child by denying him or her a very important relationship.
To deliberately deny a child a relationship with his or her parent is punishment...and criminal...and evil.
It's as hard as hell to be a single parent. Don't fail to care for your own mental, physical, and spiritual well-being, but don't let unchecked brokenness, bitterness, or hurt, cause harm to, or spill over onto your child.
If your child's father was, or is:
no good,
a sperm donor,
a deadbeat,
a drunk,
a crackhead,
a moocher,
a user,
a rolling stone,
a womanizer,
verbally or physically abusive,
a player,
a narcissist,
missing in action,
in the wind,
a loser,
a jailbird,
in denial,
a rolling stone,
a friend with benefits,
a one-time thing,
or any of the other unfortunate titles angry people assign to men who won't "be a man", remember-- in the words of Judge Judy-- "YOU picked that joker to be the father of your child(ren)!"
It doesn't say much about the brightness of the bulb in our own lamps, if we go around bashing the individual for whom we once had great affection--at least long enough to conceive a child.
No. We DIDN'T have to be mother and father, ladies. It's a hard pill to swallow when a man adores the child you bore, but doesn't want you, but it's not the fault of the child.
Many say they are protecting their children, but the truth is they are protecting their own fragile hearts.
My daughter's late, great Aunt Daisy had severe dementia, but she had enough sense to say, "Marriage is like a leap in the dark, Baby. Look deep before you leap".
Her grandmother Rose said, "Don't take no wooden nickels for your change".
Whether someone has the ability to "step up to the plate" and be a father, is something to determine BEFORE disrobing and swapping bodily fluids.
No matter what kind of maternal gymnastics you had to do, how much money you spent, or how much time you put in, you were a mother--period. Unfortunately, you don't get awards and points for doing what you were SUPPOSED to do. Motherhood is a full-time, 'round-the-clock job, and if you did your time, good for you.
You don't get extra pay for the person who didn't report to the workplace--but if they can do a reasonable job successfully from another location, don't hinder their progress, minimize, or criticize their performance.
If you decide to single-handedly take on their job title, duties and your own, it's a choice, not a requirement, nor an order.
Even if he's dead, a mother is still not a father.
She may certainly be overwhelmed, frugal, and sleep-deprived, perhaps, but not a father.
If the father of your child(ren) is still around, and is neither pedophile, nor psychopath, wise up and wake up for the sake of your child(ren), so that next Father's Day day isn't full of sarcasm, jokes, criticism, questions, secrets, lies, tears and shame.
Speak well of the individual who provided a good deal of your child's DNA, and if you can't find anything good to say, say nothing--at least not in the presence of your child.
After all, there had to be SOMETHING good about them, of which you can speak, or else you wouldn't have been with them in the first place, right? RIGHT?
Right.
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