TUESDAY THOUGHTS: MOMMY

I found the loveliest photo of my Mom today! 

She was such a lady; such a girlie girl, but she was no pushover. She was wise, smart, responsible, caring, creative, long-suffering, neat, and virtuous 

I stared at the photo for quite a long time. 

At that moment in time, in her Sunday best, she was beautiful, and seemed so happy. 

I like her smile, too.

February is always a little weird, and has been for years. 

Mommy passed away at Washington Hospital Center in the early morning of February 4, 2003. It still doesn't seem right or fair. It still baffles me. Sometimes I'm just downright mad about it. It's one of those things that make you say, "It wasn't supposed to happen this way!"
It definitely didn't seem right or fair when, on the morning of February 4, this year, I was driving to MedStar Cancer Institute with my Dad for his first round of chemotherapy.
He was always the one driving her, and waiting for her when she was receiving her chemotherapy infusions to treat colon cancer. 

I wonder sometimes what he's thinking and how he's feeling. 

I wonder if he ever sees the irony of it all.

I've donned my caregiver hat once again. I'm realizing that:

1. Plans can change, and flexibility is a good thing.

2.You may be stronger than you think.

3. Sometimes you're being prepared for a task and don't know it.

4.Tests are good, especially if you know the purpose of them.

5. Things probably work out exactly the way they're supposed to.

6. People do what you allow.

7. Boundaries are good and necessary.

8. Adversity brings out the best and/ or worst in people.

9. Caregivers need care, too.

10. Listening affords an incredible amount of learning.

11. Sometimes, you don't have to say a word.

12. Consideration has to be taught--early.

13. Strengths may vary.

14. Rest is your friend.

15. "Yes" is the appropriate response to the question, "Is there anything I can do?"

16. Some things don't deserve a response or a reply.

17. You have to know for whom you are working.

18. The truth IS the light.

19. Documentation is important.

20. Gut feelings aren't called gut feelings for nothing.

21. My mother taught me well.

It seems so odd being in my family home and my Mom isn't here. Her touch is, though. Her tastes and style are all over the place. The tea pots, the flowers, the French Provincial furniture, the drapes, the color schemes...That is comforting to me. 

I know I'm not her, but with God's help, I'll try to remember and apply everything she taught me, especially Colossians 3:23: 

"And whatsoever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men..."

GRATEFUL

 Hello Tuesday.
 Time spent with some of my Vision family members in Las Vegas was great. A change in my itinerary on Saturday morning meant a connection in Atlanta instead of Minneapolis, arriving a lot later than originally planned, and missing a catfish dinner, but all I really wanted was a comfortable bed....I appreciate my aunt for taking the time to come and stay with my Dad for a few days so that I could take the trip. I'm donning my caregiver hat again, and feeling surprisingly refreshed. My entire flight itinerary ultimately changed, which meant spending most of Saturday and Monday in airports, but patience prevailed. It was nice to see a second cousin I hadn't seen in years, nice to receive an unexpected blessing, and so nice to sing.

I wonder if the Plaza Hotel will ever embrace a no-smoking policy, but then, I suppose our group was among few people who were negatively affected by the necessary walk through the smoky casino in order to get to our rooms. I had to laugh at myself. The only slot that saw my money was a vending machine to get a bag of potato chips. One good thing was the breakfast--that was more than any one person could righteously, and unashamedly eat!

The phrase of the weekend seemed to be "mechanical failure". There were lots of pleas for patience, updates, and profuse apologies being announced over and over. The 8:06 AM flight from McCarren, yesterday, became the 11AM-something flight, which affected the connection in Atlanta.  The 4:30PM flight became the 6:20 flight, and finally the 8:30PM flight. The gate switched from T5 to T7, once again, another airplane had to be cleaned and brought from a hanger, and somehow my fellow travelers were bumped from the flight to DCA and rerouted to BWI. There I was, ending my trip like it began--flying alone.
(I feel like a dope. It was CNN reporter, Joe Johns I spotted at the gate in Atlanta!) The wait meant walking, browsing, and charging batteries. It also afforded me an opportunity to enjoy a burger from Sam Adams courtesy of Delta's meal voucher. It really hit the spot.
I'm so glad to be home, and off of planes, and out of the rain. It's good to know my aunt made it back safely to Massachusetts....: )

I hope that :
1. The impatient, foul-mouthed, possibly inebriated lady (who felt it necessary to share her phone conversations, rock music, and whistling skills with the entire McCarran airport Delta gate area yesterday) came to her senses, and is not handcuffed under a jail cell somewhere, for doing what she said she was going to do when she saw the judge in court this morning.
2. My seat mate, a caring, attentive and patient young father, traveling with his adorable 1 year-old son Zane (who slept ALL the way from Atlanta to DCA), will always be so--and be blessed tremendously.
3. Every caregiver will know the necessity of saying "Yes" when others ask, "Is there anything I can do?"
4. People will treat what belongs to others with as much, or more regard as they treat what belongs to them--providing they treat what belongs to them with great care.
5. God continues to bless the ministry and life of Richard Smallwood.
6. Ruby, Anne, Caitlin, Betty and Yolanda are having a great work day, and other Delta Airlines employees, who deal directly with the public, would take note of what happens when kindness, understanding, helpfulness, and courtesy rule.
7. I can quickly get re-adjusted to Eastern Standard time.
8. There's some more of the red beans, my aunt made, in the refrigerator somewhere.

GOLIATH HAD BROTHERS

I found a journal entry that was about 2 years old. It's amazing how much it applies today. It indicates that there's another giant left to defeat. The giant that is difficult, intrusive people. Funny. I thought I'd licked that sucker. 
The mission and goal is to speak up--boldly--when necessary, whether it is characteristic or not, and give the tough stuff --no--EVERYTHING to God, and still remember what Mommy said, "Always be a lady". 
Yes. Some people try waaaaaay too hard. They're too familiar and all they really inspire is intense dislike and mistrust. They're constantly scheming and worming their way where they don't belong and aren't welcome. They take liberties they should not.  I read Ephesians 6:12 and it really adjusted my attitude this morning. "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in heavenly places." So, it's not the nosy, intrusive people's fault after all.  Is it that they're just possessed? Ha!

Here's the old journal entry:

I got a call yesterday about a singing engagement, or at least that's what the person initially said was the nature of his call. Now where did he get my number? The initial flattery should have been a warning sign. I'm a fan of affirmation, but this was bordering on brown nosing. In the midst of the conversation, the caller abruptly switched gears and began interrogating me about a personal matter concerning a family member, and proceeded to share information that, for some reason, he didn't think I already knew. I wondered what on Earth it had to do with the singing engagement? How did his train of thought completely jump the track? I was immediately annoyed. I could hear my own tone change. I was ready to hang up. Polite, gracious Me kept plugging along and steered the conversation back to where it began. I could feel some really ignorant chick tying hard to get out and give him a piece of her mind, but I wouldn't let her. I was sure she would go too far. It wasn't the first time someone had overstepped their boundaries and involved themselves in circumstances where they had no place. I let it slide and stayed silent to this day. Here I was again faced with another individual, from the same circle of too-familiar people, whose tone testified that he felt he had a right to say every word that was coming out of his mouth. Hanging up would have been rude, but I knew the conversation had to end soon before I said something I would feel quite good about saying, but regret later. I stayed cool and didn't let that other side of me come out to play. Based on the many other times she was suppressed, I didn't trust her to be nice, or stay on topic.
Sometimes it's just easier to assume that people mean well--that they don't mean any deliberate harm, or are just clueless concerning their inappropriate words or behavior. No. It's not I. Sometimes you really are reminded of the superiority of the spirit of Christ. Self control is a wonderful thing--  graciousness, forgiveness and understanding are, too.

What is it about people who are so eager to share what they know about what they think you SHOULD know, as if it's some kind of tabloid newspaper scoop? Some people are waiting/itching for an opportunity to engage/confront you based on a variety of factors. When they finally have or create the opportunity, it's fascinating how some can jump in while both feet are wedged firmly in their mouths. It is an immediate and irreversible turn-off. The aim is not to assist or be of help. It quickly exposes their real motive for seeking you out. It forces you to adopt a defensive stance. It breeds cynicism and mistrust. It also elicits a response that, if you're so inclined to give, they may not be prepared to handle. 

The most offensive and probably best thing you can do to a gossip or nosy person is shut down their inquiry and let them know that you see through their game. They don't have a genuinely concerned bone in their bodies, and will talk about you as eagerly as they involve themselves in the business of others.
Sometimes I wish I weren't taught to be polite. I couldn't believe the nerve of the caller. What he was asking about was clearly none of his business, and further, we aren't friends. What if what he "thought I needed to know" wasn't something I was SUPPOSED to know? It made me wonder if the singing engagement was just a ruse.

Some people are just too, TOO familiar! Okay, so you can rattle off a list of things that MIGHT make me more comfortable even talking to you in the first place--so what? So, you have dropped a few names of people we mutually know. It doesn't seal a friendship, and it certainly doesn't give one a signal to launch into conversations about others and fish for information. You may have a person's phone number, but it doesn't make you friends. If people want to RETAIN access to others, it would behoove them not to make the mistake of coming across as sneaky, nosy or too familiar. Maybe my issue with too familiar people is because indiscretion was not tolerated when I was a child. There were just some things you didn't do or say. You knew better. When I encounter people who are pushy, arrogant, rude and void of discretion it triggers something in me. I want to ask, "Don't you know any better? Did you hear yourself? Where does one buy nerve like that?"
I ended the call, and my first thought was to call my family member, but I didn't. My second thought was to block the caller's number. My third thought was to say, "Thanks, but no thanks" to the singing engagement. It seemed tainted somehow. Maybe I'm overreacting. The whole thing just left a really bad taste in my mouth.
He called again today, but from a different number. "Hi. Did you leave me an IM, because if you did, it didn't go through? My phone doesn't take IM's but it takes text messages." WHAT?

What I learned:
1. Don't read more into a thing than necessary.
2. Say what you mean. Handle situations as they occur.
3. Nosy people are, well, nosy. Don't expect them to be otherwise. Save yourself and cut the conversation short.
4. Never mind how someone got your number. Having your number and having access are two different things.
5. Demonstrate professionalism even when others don't.
6. Some people think closeness with a family member of yours guarantees closeness to you.
7. The enemy's greatest accomplishment is to get you to think he doesn't exist. Keep your eyes open.
8. Some people want access. If they can't get in with your help, they'll turn to someone close to you. I wonder if they really think that's going to endear you to them?
9. Stay focused. Ignore idiots.
10. Smile---genuinely.
11. Forgive.
12. Remember Hymn #342 ...: ) 
http://books.google.com/books?id=Mx5O73a7aIkC&pg=PA277&lpg=PA277&dq=what+a+friend+we+have+in+jesus++baptist+standard+hymnal&source=bl&ots=Onv7mvomvX&sig=7MTIcF-tfdCVeu7K8VppwL_qI1g&hl=en&sa=X&ei=STQNUeStCe6N0QGEwoHIDQ&ved=0CDoQ6AEwAg#v=onepage&q=what%20a%20friend%20we%20have%20in%20jesus%20%20baptist%20standard%20hymnal&f=false

HAPPY BLUES

Wednesday, January 30, I performed for the first time at Blues Alley--not as a background vocalist or guest soloist, but I actually saw my own, whole name on the marquee that I've seen so many times as a patron. It felt kind of nice. 

The past several weeks have been spent going from hospitals to doctor's appointments with my Dad. 

I almost thought I'd have to cancel. 

The band was comprised of some of the most phenomenal brothers I've ever had the pleasure to work with. Tony Walker, Vince Evans, David Dyson and Tim Steele are so amazingly incredible at what they do, and I felt so honored that they would play. My daughter Lisa even sang a duet with me and of course, I was proud as punch!

It was so nice to be there surrounded by friends and very encouraging strangers. I met people from Columbia, Korea, Japan and there were even a group from one of DC's Jewish congregations in attendance. I looked out in to the audience and saw my childhood pastor, Rev. James E. Coates, his wife Marsha, and one of their sons. It reminded me of a time 33 years ago when I was a Howard University student. I was singing in a band, we were booked at a local club, and Rev. Coates came to the show just to make sure I was representing Christ....: )

It's no secret that I detest the business side of music. Sometimes it overshadows what should matter, involves territory that diminishes and disregards performers and performances, and can bring you crashing down from the wonderful high that making music brings. Nevertheless, one has to remember why one does a thing in the first place; remember the love of it; the joy of it, and keep doing it. 

Wednesday night, I remembered just how much I love to sing, and want to sing for as long as I can...: )

OBSERVATIONS

Being in the company of an individual who can seldom find anything good to say; is always looking for an argument; always finding fault with others; is deceitful, self-righteous, judgmental and never satisfied, can be downright stressful. It's sad when someone is determined to puff up themselves and paint others in a less than flattering light. How is it that an individual can forget their own imperfections and blunders? How is someone able to identify unrighteousness all around them and forget their own unrighteous past? How do people so easily rate the sins of others from least to most appalling and neglect to rate their own?

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Ever wonder if some people don't know they're lying? Have you ever overheard someone telling a lie and you're too stunned to say a word? When you find out about, or overhear untruths said about you, or others by someone who SHOULD be credible; who SHOULD know you, it often explains why some people approach you, and others with such disrespect or a spirit of familiarity. They're actions are based on what they've heard, not what's actually been done or said--and certainly not the truth. You wonder, "Where on Earth are they getting their information from, who do they think they are to confront me, and what makes them think they're privy to any information about me?" When you find out, it can be shocking, disappointing and even painful that someone close to you thinks so little of you, and that their conversation concerning you is so overwhelmingly negative-- no matter what you do, but as much as possible, don't let it rattle you. It's one of those things that make you pray, "Here, Lord. I have an idea what I want to say and do, but it just may make things worse. Handle this please. Thanks."
 
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It's difficult to undo lies, misrepresentations and gossip, and even more difficult to please some people. Why spend your time explaining, correcting, clarifying and doing damage control with those who, when it comes to your life, don't even matter? Don't, however, let anyone or anything keep you from doing the right thing. Sometimes you have to switch into "heartily as unto the Lord" mode. Know that your heart and motives are pure, and keep it moving. If you don't, it will be nothing to abruptly and justifiably abandon the good you try to do and deem it not worth your time, effort or energy. How you respond is often the key to either perpetuating a problem, or shutting it down. Kill them and it with kindness.