Sickness, caregiving situations, and death, are unfortunate, often necessary windows into the reality, authenticity, and truth of ailing, or aging people’s relationships. In difficult times, a clear delineation between family, friends, acquaintances, coworkers, and strangers, is exposed. The performative, superficial coattail riders, ever jockeying for attention, are exposed, too.
To the bewilderment of many, their assessments of who’s who, and who ought to be where, doing what, are grossly in error. What they “always thought”, isn’t what IS.
Those who were assumed to be “nobody”, are closer than many thought, or knew. Those who were perceived to be unlikely insiders, flunkies, seasonal, out of the loop, random, insignificant wannabes, or dispensable tools, in the lives of others, emerge as highly trusted decision makers, advocates, executors, assistants, consultants, allies, and confidants. The truth is, they’ve always been. They just never boasted about it. Their position was secure. Their understanding of their relationship was mutual.
The too-familiar, the fair weather friends, the transactional players, and the hangers-on, find themselves with egg on their faces, as they endeavor to find out how THIS one, or THAT one gained authority, or assumed responsibility.
They, of course, flee the scene, at the very mention of unglamorous work, or sacrifice, but dare to question the presence of those who have always been there. They, instead, nourish themselves on irrelevant information, rumors, and gossip. Their constitution can only handle good times, so they remain lurking on the periphery, until they think (or insist) that their useless input (based on knowledge neither first-hand, current, nor applicable), is needed. They only have antagonizing, fear-based questions, baseless observations, and are woefully out-of-touch. The cliques they form, to create and disseminate their speculations and misinformation, are pathetic. They gather, sit, and stew in their lack of access. They speak selfishly and recklessly, in entitled tones. They lose discretion, and make demands, because they never had, or gave respect. They only desired proximity. They only thought they were connected. They threw the word around, religiously, but they were never family. They aren’t privy to information because they aren’t supposed to be.
People unwittingly show who they’ve always been, when sickness or death occur. Filters are peeled off, the abundance of hearts leak, grace and tact dissipate, greed rears its head, discernment heightens, lips loosen, unhealed wounds open, grace fades, old beefs resurface, guilt rages, tea spills, and care takes a back seat to self-centeredness.
Murmurings and opinions fly, while those who actually KNOW the severity of the situation, strategically navigate around the noise. They know who they are. They know what they’ve been tasked to do, for and by the ailing person who has confidence in them. They honor, and need not explain, nor defend themselves. They are caregivers. They demonstrate sensitivity, have no self-centered agenda, and have been quietly consistent, discreet, and faithfully present. They remain focused, and although they catch hell, from those who would never dream of getting dirty hands, they endure getting criticized, doubted, second guessed, accused, misjudged, and maligned—sometimes to the detriment of their own health.
Nevertheless, conscientious caregivers keep their eyes— that have witnessed the worst—on the principal things—the well-being, protection, best interests, and/or expressed wishes of their loved one—no matter what disconnected or delusional people do, say, or think.
#caregivers
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