QUARANTINE LIFE: DECISIONS

Pre-pandemic, I wouldn’t have given a second thought about accepting the invitations and opportunities I’ve regretfully declined in the past 18 months. 

Hearing, “Oh wow. Really?”, after I've said "No" (as if the pandemic was a newly revealed secret, something I could control, or a figment of my imagination), has left me scratching my head. 

It hasn't been reassuring hearing, “That’s okay. I understand”, in tones that sounded more like disappointment, offense, surprise, or judgment than actual understanding. 

I’ve often thought, however, as I’ve seen one post-event photograph, video or another, “I’m so glad I didn’t go”. 

People get really quiet these days when the thing they promoted or attended got out of hand, tracking and tracing results are revealed, and the event proves to have been a super spreader. Weeks later, you hear about, or are solicited to pray for those who got sick or died as they exercised their freedom.

In my book, there’s no “only” in front of ONE death, let alone thousands. 

Covid shame is a real thing for those who didn’t take Miss ‘Rona seriously—or clowned others for doing so. The level of f’ing around and finding out is astronomical these days, and yet it seems that some are content to just ignore the pandemic altogether.

All jokes and sarcasm aside, though—IS THE PANDEMIC OVER? 

Did I miss the announcement? 

Has the virus been eradicated, or do we just lay it, and all of our caution, rules, and protocols aside when it comes to what WE want to do, and where WE want to go? Is Covid-19 gracious like that? 

Does it play favorites? Do we relax all of our facts, stats, and warnings, and then spend two weeks hoping and praying we don’t get sick, or haven’t infected or killed others?

Today was tough. As the hours ticked by, I busied myself to drown out conflicting thoughts of whether I was being too cautious, or exactly as cautious as our current climate dictates I should be. 

Today would have been an opportunity to get dressed up and slip something on my feet other than the ballerina flats I've been rocking since March 2020. The song I'd be singing, if I'd made up my mind to go, kept popping into my head, but so did the image of a room full of breathing, talking, eating, cheering people. I remembered when that would have been a welcomed thing, as opposed to a scary one. 

I’ve never used the words brave, stupid, dangerous, or irresponsible in reference to singing in public. 

(I did, early in the pandemic, when I read about that choir in Mt. Vernon, Washington.) I’ve also never been more relieved as I was when things I'd considered attending were canceled due to the pandemic. A decision had been made FOR me. I didn’t have to stress about it, or disappoint anyone who, before COVID-19 appeared, could always count on me to show up. 

Everything is subject to change these days. We can be in denial all we want, and plan to our heart's content, but the virus is calling the shots, and we disrespect and minimize it at our own peril.

I’ve always believed that no one is indispensable, and there’s always someone who is willing and happy to do what I can’t or won’t do. It’s true. People do, and make allowances for what they WANT to do. The notion that “I would if I wanted to” just doesn’t apply anymore. 

Should you really have to explain your concerns and apprehension considering the deaths of over 660,000 people in the US alone? 

There’s something about the daily news of rising Covid-19 cases, a growing sorority of variants, breakthrough cases among the fully vaccinated, and the obituary column that my Facebook feed has become, that makes my “No” that much easier to say. What I may want to do, no matter how pleasant, fun, or lucrative it once was, just doesn’t seem wise, appealing, or worthy of my gratitude anymore. 

That doesn’t make me miss singing any less. 

It’s a conflicting state of being.

There’s a difference between the butterflies and insecurity I’ve always felt as I approached a microphone, and the unshakable apprehension and fear I now feel at the thought of singing in crowded spaces. I am fully vaccinated, yet I still wonder, “How is anyone truly doing this safely? 

Singing is a virus’s dream opportunity to infect the singer, as well as his or her audience. Are people being extra careful, or do they just not care?

Are people just tired of Covid and taking their chances? 

More and more I remember that I never was my parents’ most daring child. No matter how much I may have wanted to participate, something always constrained me. That something, today, is a deadly virus that has easily mutated as a result of human arrogance, ignorance, carelessness, dishonesty, stubbornness, greed, and lack of empathy.

I heard Dr. Daniel Carey say in an interview, “You can validate emotions, but you can’t validate incorrect facts…Models are useful in planning, but a plan isn’t set in stone”. 

I pacified myself with popcorn, sorted art, painted, and laughed at "The Office" marathon as I tried not to think about—and fought back tears about—yet another event at which I would have been thrilled to perform, but once again, because of the Delta variant, I decided against.

 

People don’t ever have to ask you to do anything. Though honored, I wish my fear was unfounded, but it isn’t.