CAREGIVER DIARIES: FORWARD MARCH

I just got a bit of good, motivating, affirming news today. 

Forward march...

Yesterday, Facebook took me back to July 8, 2015. 

I had been back at my Dad's house to care for him just shy of a month. It was the fourth time in 10 years, and I did have some anxiety whether I'd be able to do it again. Once again, a caring medical professional uttered the words, "He shouldn't live alone". 
I remember my Dad looking at me and saying, "I want to go home! You can do it. You can go to the house. You did it before!" 

Yes, I had done it before. 

I thought about everything that "before" had thrown at me. Then I wondered what lesson or skill God wanted me to master, because he consistently presented me with the same test. 
I balled up my anxiety, honored my Dad's wishes, and went to "the house".

 
I became a Maryland resident again. It's been three years. 

Visiting a friend yesterday, made me keenly aware of how little I knew about recent occurrences and trends in popular culture and technology. 

I realized how much time has actually passed, and how much has changed. 

Caregiving is an isolating, even incubating experience. The tunnel vision, and exhaustion is real, but that’s your parent or loved one. They cared for you, so it seems only right, reasonable, and fair to care for them.

My friend was right. "It's time to get back to life". I have to admit, I’m not sure how.

It's been so fascinating learning about my parents as I've sorted through papers, photos, letters, notes, receipts, and handled their possessions. 

There's been cleaning, packing, packaging, saving, shredding, and purging since Dad passed away in February. 

I feel like I've been in custodian mode; the keeper of an inheritance. I’m also the recipient of a respite I sorely needed. 

The quiet around here has been wonderful. 

I'm grateful to have had the time to sort of commune with this place; to reminisce; to be grateful for having the opportunity to sacrifice, and give to someone who sacrificed and gave so much to me. 

It's been refreshing just being alone in my parent's space--a space they pooled their resources to acquire, and worked so hard to have and maintain; a space they graciously shared with countless others. Soon, another family will make a home here. 

I certainly hope and pray they will be happy, secure, and kind to one another.

It occurred to me that everything I've been through has been fuel for whatever the next chapter of my life will bring. 

I came across words I'd written three years ago, and smiled. 

I don't know how much I've laughed in the last three years. I'm sure I did from time to time, but peaceful and content is the only way I can describe how I feel today.

I'm hoping that other caregivers can find the laughter, too...sooner than later. 

I'm on the other side of caregiving now, but I think the experience will never go away; nor will the lessons. There's a freedom I cannot describe. 

I'll always have a heart for those who care for their loved ones. No one understands like they do, and no one needs support and encouragement like they do.

The message via Facebook read, "Vanessa, we care about you and the memories you share here. We thought you'd like to look back on this post from 3 years ago." 
I actually did like looking back at my own words:

"Being a caregiver is one of the most amazing tasks one will ever assume. Having the will and capacity to assist someone else, is a blessing. You see and hear what others don't. Routines are established--so is trust.

I wish I had a dollar for every time someone soberly said, "Please, take care of yourself", or "Don't take anything personally". 

At first, the advice seemed a little odd. "What do I need to take care of myself for? I'm not sick." 

What I have learned, however, is that the stress you don’t anticipate, can and will cause great damage. In the past, it came from the most unlikely sources. In the present, some of those sources seem to be gearing up again. 

Often, it's not the illness, nor the condition, and all of the not-so-pretty stuff that comes with it, that presents the greatest challenges. It's people. 

Someone actually phoned yesterday and asked my Dad if he regretting having help. Before the obvious insult could take hold (and make me want to snatch the phone and ask what kind of new, idiot spawn of Satan was on the line), I heard my Dad say, "I told her this morning I thanked God for her. I really appreciate what she's doing. I tell her every day."

Did I need to hear that? No. At my age, I have the liberty do what I choose to do. Besides, he's my Dad. Duh!…and what do I care about what busybodies think?

Was being appreciated nice to hear? Of course! Who doesn't want to be acknowledged, or have someone to come to their defense?

People who instigate, sow seeds of discord, mistrust, and suspicion; sabotage nutritional plans, interrupt sleep times, make and leave mess, lie, micromanage, make demands, undermine progress, or take nosiness to dizzying heights, used to annoy me to the point of distraction. 

I was on pins and needles all the time, and it took its toll every time. I realized, however, that it was my fault for not speaking up.

This time, the answer to my prayers concerning difficult people, has been, "Laugh about it". 

I thought that was odd, too. 

I've found that the enemy of your soul and peace of mind, really does run out of ways to annoy you, so he revisits the tests you've previously failed, or decided to leave incomplete. 

Laughing, as opposed to being annoyed, defensive, or frustrated, really is a stress reliever.

 

Have you ever seen a little kid playing Hide-and-Seek, who hides out in the open, but thinks you can't see him or her? Now, THAT'S funny. 

That's how the enemy is. He does really ridiculous, annoying stuff right out in the open, and acts perfectly innocent, but thinks you can't see (or hear) him.

Consider your situation. Whatever it is, take your power back, today. 

How you respond to what others do and say, is up to you. 

Be very slow to take offense. 

Don't let that angst live in your belly. 

Let some stuff just roll off of your back, and boldly confront other stuff when necessary. 

If you need a break, take one.

Know who you are, and remember why you are where you are. 

Pray for those who are trying to be their instigating, antagonistic best. 

Look closely. Consider what is, or is not happening in their own lives that causes them to be so preoccupied with yours. Often times, they know not what they do---or maybe they DO, but laugh at it all anyway. 

They'll learn. 

Sowing and reaping isn't just a financial principle.

 
Breathe.

Stay focused on the principal thing. 
You can do this.
Yes, you can."