CAREGIVER DIARIES: THE TALK

The woman in the checkout line was wearing scrubs. Her cell phone rang, and she reluctantly had to take the call. 

After several minutes, she said, "I don't know who you got your information from, or what you were told, but I'm telling you what I saw with my own eyes...Perhaps you need to go back and reassess the situation. Someone is not telling the whole truth or is in denial...She's not capable of articulating what she needs...They might have been well-meaning, but you can't rely on the estimation of people who are rarely around...Of course they'll say that! They're not there!...The person you should have spoken to is the regular caregiver. He'll be able to tell you what's really going on, and what services his mother really needs. He's there every day."

 

I almost dropped my lemons.

 

Everyone has opinions, but it's important who controls the narrative. 

If it is a trusted, usually credible or respected individual who’s the busybody, innocent people could potentially suffer injustice. 

Some people won't ever ask questions or dig deeper. They'll just blindly believe and run with what they were told, and then wonder why they're not trusted with information any more pressing than the time of day, or the weather.

If only we would do as much as we talk. 

It's those good talking games that mask dysfunction, incompetence, negligence, and unfinished business, undo beneficial gains, impede progress, and tarnish relationships.

 

If you're not operating with a whole story, or are privy to a story told by someone who is impaired, either deliberately, or through no fault of their own, perhaps you should hold off acting on it, telling, retelling, or embellishing it. Your own credibility, and even any access you may have enjoyed, will suffer. Besides, egg is awfully hard to get off of your face when it has been allowed to sit.

It is equally important to be on the side of right, fairness, and truth—no matter how you feel about the topic of the conversation. 

When you know better, speak up. 

Sure, there may be opposition, but anyone who would want you to participate in the continuation of a false narrative, is not honorable, and certainly not a friend. 

It is so critical to pay attention to how people treat others, no matter how nice they are to you. 

A red flag will let you know that the moment you fail to give your agreement or consent, your turn at being turned on, criticized, or gossiped about, isn't too far down the road. 

Disloyal people, even when they aren't impaired, are faithful to no one.

Sometimes it's disheartening when you find out what was said, and who said it...but then, wise, discerning people reassure you that they are not easily bought, conned, or swayed. They don't abide mess, and their brains, eyes, and ears are still functioning. They see and know what's going on, often because they have their own experience as a reference, and they have no problem or fear setting things straight.

Take heart, caregivers. Someone has your back, and is battling on your behalf-- before stuff even gets back to you. You'll know them, because they prefer truth. They help where it matters. They do--without fanfare-- more than those who idly talk, and they get results.