D.E.W.™ Refreshment Call: BALANCE

Everyone who knows me can tell you that I don't like to argue. I don't like confrontation or bullies. I don't respond well to pressure, threats, ultimatums, or manipulation. I learned that a long, long time ago. 
Safety and Care and Harmony are my dear friends. 

I think that peace and cooperation are two of the most wonderful things in the world, and should be sought as diligently as gold. 

I try live a relatively calm existence. When I come out to play, I'm not looking for a fight--ever. I try to be pleasant. It's the way I was raised. Being unkind, selfish, or a nuisance wasn't allowed. My Mom always said, "Be a lady". That generally meant: 

1. don't embarrass or bring unnecessary attention to myself, 

2. don't cause trouble

3. don't make waves, scenes, or any other aggravating moves

4. Be nice. 

5. Be kind. 

6. Be respectful. 

7. Be helpful. 

8. Avoid trouble.

I have the funny feeling that the "Be a lady" criteria that I was compelled to adopt, translated that I am somehow a pushover who is completely incapable of pushing back. You get the feeling that the people in your life are thinking, "It's okay. Walk all over her. Be inconsiderate. She won't mind."

My Mom's "Be a lady" lesson was taught in South East, DC, by the way. All that means is:

1. South East has often gotten a bad rap.

2. Just because one doesn't choose to use certain words (and all of their colorful combinations) to repel and combat the antagonistic imps in their lives, doesn't mean one doesn't know them.

I’d be a bazillionaire if I had a dollar for every time I heard someone say, “She’s a sweetheart!” or “She’s so sweet”. 

Don’t you know that as even-tempered as you try to be, there’s always someone looking to challenge you; push your buttons; knock you off of your game, or see if you have a breaking point? We all have another side.

Yes. I, too, have another side. I’ve seen her. I don’t let her come out to play much because she is something else! She spent so much time suppressing what she should have confronted a long time ago, that when she does finally speak up, she has a tendency to go overboard. She has taught me very well, in my AARP years, about the importance of saying what you need to say, when you need to say it. It’s not that filter-less, careless speech that doesn’t care how it affects others, but it’s that freeing speech that reduces the stress in my life. It is honest and authentic, but loving and firm. It leaves room for reconciliation.

Sometimes you will have to raise your voice, be assertive, and establish boundaries, and there may seem to be no polite, ladylike way to do it. What's the limit, then? How far is too far? Yeah, you're "supposed to be a Christian", as some people are so quick to remind you after they've behaved badly, but sometimes situations call for you to channel your inner turning-over-tables-in-the-temple, Jesus. What would Jesus do? He'd represent well, be upfront, tell the truth (minus the complimentary sugar-coating), and not bring shame to the family.

I was reminded of a lady who told me she uses blessed anointing oil as a weapon. She sensed my non-confrontational sheepishness one day and asked, "Do you have any oil, Baby?" "Yes Ma'am", I answered. "Well, do you use it? Look, people know not to mess with me. When they see me going in my pocket book, they know they're going to have to put all of their clothes in the cleaners..."

I really didn't know how to respond to that other than laugh, but she was deadly serious. It occurred to me that some situations and people demand that you be steady, unwavering and sure.  

I just don't want to go through life in defensive mode-- forever on the lookout for impending offenses. Been there, and it’s not my cup of tea. The Bible says “the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace”.

Becoming reclusive because of what might be lurking outside isn't an appealing thought; neither is going along with stuff just to keep the peace, or to appease the demanding people in your life. There's got to be a balance. There has to be something between retreating to a hole and hibernating, and wiling out so badly that you need to be restrained. The goal is mental steadiness, emotional stability, creating a habit of calm behavior and sound judgment. We can share David’s testimony in Psalm 94:19-- “When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy”.

I simply do not like arguments--even if I'm not in them! Flight is a convenient, easy response. I know now that walking away, shutting down, or falling silent are in fact responses--and they're not often received well. As a matter of fact, for some people, removing yourself from an argument or declining a confrontation and shutting down can be more aggravating than if you punched them in the face! Unpleasant or not, sometimes you just have to engage, if for no other reason than to free, and stand up for yourself.

Some people tend to want your consent. Others want to control you. Still others seek to change you. Then there are the rather scary ones who think they own you. How about those who think you should be forever indebted to them? I can't leave out those who expect you to be at their beck and call, as if you're super-glued to your computer or phone. You'll know exactly who in your life falls into which category the first time you say "No." and mean it. That one tiny word separates the understanding friends from the freakishly controlling acquaintances and strangers. 

Orders, demands, drama, stress, power plays, arrogance, tantrums, threats--stuff like that just plain make my eyelashes hurt, especially when they show up all willy-nilly where they don't need to be! (Want me to transform into an unresponsive, oblivious lump of total disinterest? Try to turn what I love to do into a chore by being unreasonable, unkind, and imposing a lot of useless, unnecessary, time consuming requirements.) 

Sometimes, people want you to respond to their mania with fear and trembling. When you don't, they don't understand. You're accused of being aloof, or not serious enough. The fact is, some things just don't deserve that much attention or encouragement. You’ve got to pick your battles, and everything doesn’t deserve your endorsement, investment, or participation.

Contentious situations and difficult people tended to suck the life out of me! I had to acknowledge, though, that every time I found myself burdened or frustrated, I allowed it.

Difficult People 101. It's the one course in God's summer school that I've had to keep retaking over and over again. In the past, I have opted to leave a situation altogether, before I wasted energy or time tangled with someone who seemed to be itching for trouble. There's a price to pay for non-compliance. Sometimes it's flat out punishment. You're punished for engaging, and you're punished for retreating.  There’s got to be a better way.  I learned there's such a thing as "good stress", but bad stress is not an option.

Maybe it's unrealistic to want peace all of the time, but I can hope, can't I? Maybe the most exasperating question of all was asked by the late Rodney King: "Can't we all just get along?" I wish the answer could be an enthusiastic "Yes!", but that would mean that someone would expect you to abandon yourself and become just like them, or follow their lead so they'll be happy—but what about you and your well-being?

Someone is always starting something! Why? And why is it always with those who least want to engage? It's the devil, I tell ya. “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” lol…

My very wise daughter said, "People don't know what buttons to push, but the enemy does." The mistake many make, however, is picking on, and pushing the buttons of someone who they think can't, or won't finish a thing. Many have learned the hard way what the embarrassing consequences are of picking on mild-mannered people who don't make a habit of picking on anyone. It's what people think of themselves that gives them the idea that it's okay to be a jerk toward others. It's true. We really do teach others how to treat us, and when they learn the lesson well, and behave less than respectfully, friendly, fairly, graciously, honestly or considerably toward us, I suppose we can't be mad, can we? We taught them.

I was watching the film 'Love, Actually" and was struck by the lines Hugh Grant spoke in his role as Prime Minister:  He said, "I love that word "relationship". It covers all manner of sins, doesn't it?...A friend who bullies us is no longer a friend, and since bullies only respond to strength, from now onward, I will be prepared to be much stronger..."

I said "Wow" out loud, and replayed that portion of the DVD like it was a sermon.

Perhaps it's time for new lessons--not born out of any vindictive spirit, but just because it's time. Lessons in establishing boundaries; making choices; asking for what we want; saying what we mean; speaking up; avoiding procrastination; being fearless; being firm; recognizing priorities; examining relationships; saying "no" and meaning it, knowing your limitations; listening to your body; refusing to accept abuse of any kind; only taking on what you know you can handle; only promising when you know you can follow through; enjoying your favorite snack or dessert when you’re NOT sad, stressed, frustrated or upset; being authentic; genuine.  

The Message Bible translates a portion of Luke 12:1-3 this way. “You can’t keep your true self hidden forever; before long you’ll be exposed. You can’t hide behind a religious mask forever; sooner or later the mask will slip and your true face will be known. You can’t whisper one thing in private and preach the opposite in public…”

Maybe it's time to stop running, stop retreating, stop caving, stop abandoning our own wants and wishes, and re-introduce our stronger, stable, sure-footed selves to ourselves. It’s time for a balanced existence.

The Message Bible translation of Romans 13:11-14 reads,

“But make sure that you don’t get so absorbed and exhausted in taking care of all your day-by-day obligations that you lose track of the time and doze off, oblivious to God… We can’t afford to waste a minute; must not squander these precious daylight hours in frivolity and indulgence, in sleeping around and dissipation, in bickering and grabbing everything in sight. Get out of bed and get dressed! Don’t loiter and linger, waiting until the very last minute. Dress yourselves in Christ, and be up and about!”  

I like that…: )

#justkeepgoing

#DEW4U