CAREGIVER DIARIES: STANDARDS

"It's summer. 

Trash pick-up has changed from two days a week, to one...and the ants are back", I said. 

The reply I got from an unexpected houseguest was was a flippant, "What ants? I haven't seen any ants." 

I guess the hundreds of ants on the plate and coffee table, proved I hadn't made it up. 

I wasn't happy. 

Ants have to eat, too, I guess. 

I can't blame them. It was a good pound cake.

 *sigh*

How hard is it to pick up a plate, take it to the kitchen and wash it?

My late aunt Lillian used to say, "I don't care if you live in a hole, it can be clean."; If it's supposed to be white, make it white. If it's supposed to shine, make it shine." 

She was also proactive about things like ants. Her house was in Louisiana. The ant beds were huge. She said if you didn't feed the ants, they wouldn't come into the house. That made sense to me then, and still does.

Frankly, I loved visiting her house. It was tidy--and not fake tidy, either. Her closets were orderly, too. Nothing was hiding underneath beds or stuffed behind closet doors. There was no need to close a door because of the monstrous, embarrassing mess that was festering on the other side.

 

Auntee Lillian was a Home Economics major during her brief stint in college. Her philosophy was that in a clean environment, you'd have no qualms about eating the food that's prepared, or using the bathroom, or just being.
As a child there were special places where I knew I could just be. They weren't grand, but they were cared for as if they were.

My late grandmother lived in a house that had 4 rooms. For years, she didn't have modern conveniences like an electric washer and dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner but you could eat off of her floor. She rose early in the morning to do chores. She'd cook breakfast, start dinner, wash and hang laundry, burn trash, recycle cans, make beds, sweep, and sit down with a cup of coffee to read her Daily Word. She may have even killed a snake or two. By noon, she was in her rocker watching her "stories". That philosophy allowed her to relax and rest well. 

"If you get up soon in the morning and do your work, you have the rest of the day for yourself", she'd say. Because she did something every day, there was no overwhelming accumulation of dirt, grime and trash.

My Aunt Marion's house in Plaquemine was another place I loved to go. The old wooden house on Mulberry Street, and the new brick house on Meriam Street were both well kept. 

I don't know, maybe it's an old-school thing, but I grew up impacted by women who took pride their environments. It was a show of thankfulness and gratitude, I suppose. 

When you're blessed with anything, why not care for it?

My late mother was neat, too. I still appreciate the way she kept our home, and am grateful that she passed on to me the appreciation of an orderly home (and classroom). I'm so convinced that one's best work can be done when order exists. 

Those four women had the same habit of cleaning as they cooked meals. "Clean as you go", they said. 

They didn't just let stuff stick and congeal. When the cooking was done, the kitchen was clean. All we had to do was wash the dishes, glasses, and utensils we'd used.

They didn't spend every waking moment wiping or polishing stuff, either. They didn't have to, because they didn't allow stuff to back up, or pile up. They did something each day. They handled stuff when it happened. Since they lived in their homes, they cared for them. It didn't matter who else was there. Their routine wasn't for show or company. They wanted a pleasant place for themselves. They didn't lower their standards, nor did they have a problem doing what others neglected to do. 

If you didn't know how to do it, you were taught how to do it efficiently. 

My paternal grandmother had dirt in her yard. It may sound silly, but that dirt was swept. It didn't matter if others didn't care. The women in my life did. They all said, "Don't ever come out of your house looking better than you left it. You never know how you're gonna be brought back home."
I guess that was their twist on the adage, "Put on clean underwear in case you have an accident".

I am my mother's daughter--proudly. I like cleanliness and order. I prefer it, and I will never, ever, EVER apologize for it. My mom always said, "Treat what belongs to others as if it was your own." 

That didn't mean mishandle, abuse or destroy it, it meant be respectful, careful and sensitive. She taught me, like her mother and sisters taught her, and it stuck. 

As a caregiver, it matters even more. Seniors are more susceptible to the germs of others. They need easy access and egress. They are keenly aware that there are things they can no longer do, but that doesn't mean they don't care any longer if things don't get done. Perhaps there are places in and around their homes that they can no longer access. That doesn't mean that they don't want someone to keep the trash, dust, mold and mildew at bay.

Just because there may be someone who's going to clean up, doesn't mean one should be inconsiderate. My mom used to remind us all of our "two good hands". That meant, don't observe others working to improve or beautify a thing, and sit like a blind bump on a log. 

Don't arrogantly declare, "It's not my job" and allow a situation to go from bad to worse. 

Don't act like you're too good to lend a hand. 

Don't see, or make a mess and just leave it--get up and help.

The only people who needed to be cleaned up after were either too young, or too old to do it for themselves. No one else got a pass.

I am always amazed by people who think they have a right to tear up, mess up, or break up what belongs to others, as if it's no big deal. Stuff doesn't just happen. People DO stuff that makes stuff happen, and then play dumb when they're confronted about their indifference. 

Whatever happened to:

"Leave it like you found it"; 

"If you break it, fix or replace it"; 

"If you spill it, clean it up"?; 

"If it doesn't belong to you, don't touch it"; 

"If you take it out, put it back"? 

How does trash not make it to nearby trash cans, and end up on the floor, under beds, chairs, or in between cushions? 

How do crumbs and spills remain on counters? 

How do microwaves and refrigerators look like something exploded inside and continue to be used? How do baked on; caked on; spattered on messes remain undetected on stove tops? 

How is the soap dish dirty?

I don't understand how people take such advantage of others; how they so blatantly disregard another person's property or space. What is it that makes people cop an attitude when they realize that they can't be cavalier with what belongs to someone else? How do people enter a clean space, and like a human tornado, destroy it in a matter of minutes, dare you to say anything, and when you do, THEIR feelings are hurt?

You have a right to be as slovenly and disgusting as you want to be in your own space. You don't have a right to be so in the home of someone else--I don't care who they are, or how nice they are, or who you think you are. 

Don't fool yourself into thinking that anyone enjoys and welcomes the wonderful way you junk up their space. You just can't transfer your habits, practices and preferences to another person's home. No one has to relax their standards to accommodate yours in the name of hospitality. 

Take a good look at the jaw of your host. If it's clenched and the muscles are working overtime, you might want to get that potato chip bag, wet towel, and your feet off of their sofa.

If someone generally enjoys a clean home, they probably want it to stay that way. If there are able bodied people afoot mess shouldn't just linger as if it's going to clean itself. "I'll get it in a minute", or "Ill do it later" may fly in your home. In the home of someone else, it doesn't...and no. Their choice to do it NOW doesn't mean they're obsessed, stressed, anal, uptight, or suffer from some disorder. They're just CLEAN, and there's not a darned thing wrong, strange, offensive or unusual about that.

Certainly, human beings have varying standards of cleanliness. Where there are spots, spills, trash, dust, dirt, piles, disorganization, and stench, one may see it as a pig sty, and conclude that it is all perpetuated by laziness and indifference. Another person, however, won't see any of the filth; will feel quite comfortable lounging in it, adding to it, and will deem the space "lived in". They'll wonder why you, too, can't be oblivious and comfortable surrounded by days, weeks, months and even years of accumulated trash. Make a move to clean and they'll be puzzled, annoyed, and even offended. They won't notice, however, it until you make a move to correct it. They'll sincerely want to know what you're doing and why. "Oh, you don't have to do that!" Really? Just how long do people expect you to sit in muck and mire? They don't understand what the problem is. You don't understand why they don't see (or smell) the problem--so, to keep the peace, avoid an argument, and prevent being eaten alive by ants, you clean up. Could it be that your insistence that your environment be orderly is convicting them? Is it making them reluctantly examine why they've surrendered to the chaos in theirs?

You can't and shouldn't care if your cleaning-- in a space you have to occupy--offends a slob. You just can't. If the relationship is going to deteriorate because you fully expect others to respect what's yours, perhaps that relationship needs to be reevaluated. 

Some people feel they are entitled and can do whatever they want in your space. They don't have to care about what belongs to someone else. Perhaps it's because no one has spoken up and told them otherwise. 

Make no mistake, however, that inconsiderate ways get talked about-- long after inconsiderate people are gone. It's true, and that's the problem. Instead of confronting the people who offend, people tend to vent and preach to the choir. You teach people how to treat you--and your stuff. When you're silent, they take that as permission to be ridiculously careless, and conclude that you're delighting in how comfortable and free they are.

Can people, whose standards are vastly different, peacefully inhabit the same space? At what point will a neat person stop seeing the messy person's humanity, and begin to see an enemy who's determined to make them miserable?  Sometimes, when people know something bothers you, they'll do it on purpose. Why would someone deliberately come to your home and mess it up? Are they showing you what they really think about you? Is it just to piss you off?

Even if you do book a hotel room, the fact that someone has been hired to clean up after you is not a license to ransack the place. Your next credit card statement will certainly attest to that.

Being considerate costs nothing.