I don't like confrontation.
I detest confusion.
I loathe bullies.
I don't respond well to pressure, threats, ultimatums, or manipulation.
I learned all of that a long, long time ago.
Safety and Care are my dear friends.
Peace and Harmony are two of the most wonderful things in the world, I think, and should be sought as diligently as gold.
I try to live a relatively calm existence at home.
When I come out to play, I'm not looking for a fight--ever.
I try to be pleasant and cooperative.
It's the way I was raised.
Being a bother wasn't allowed.
My Mom always said, "Be a lady".
That generally meant:
Don't embarrass myself
Don't bring unnecessary attention to myself
Don't cause trouble
Don't make waves, scenes, or any other aggravating moves.
Be nice.
Be kind.
Be respectful.
Be helpful.
Avoid trouble.
I have the funny feeling that the "Be a lady" criteria I was compelled to follow, translated that I am somehow a pushover who is completely incapable of pushing back.
Mom's "Be a lady" lesson was taught in South East, DC, by the way.
All that means is:
1. South East has often gotten a bad rap.
2. Just because one doesn't choose to use certain words (and all of their colorful combinations) to repel and defeat the antagonistic, doesn't mean one doesn't know them.
Yes. Sometimes you have to tell people to back off, and there's just no polite, ladylike way to do it.
But what's the limit?
How far is too far?
Yeah, you're "supposed to be a Christian", as some people are so quick to remind you, after they've behaved badly, but sometimes situations call for you to channel your inner turning-over-tables-in-the-temple, Jesus.
What would Jesus do?
He'd represent well, tell the truth, and not bring shame to the family--but be a wuss?
Never.
I was reminded of a lady who told me she uses blessed anointing oil as a weapon.
She sensed my non-confrontational sheepishness one day and asked, "Do you have any oil, Baby?"
"Yes", I told her.
"Well, do you use it? Look, people know not to mess with me. When they see me going in my pocket book, they know they're going to have to put all of their clothes in the cleaners..."
I really didn't know how to respond to that, other than laugh, but she was serious.
I did have a visual, however, of her splashing blessed olive oil all over some offender’s Sunday best, and watching them melt away like the Wicked Witch of the West...
I just don't want to go through life in defensive mode, forever on the lookout for impending offenses. Been there. Not my kind of city.
Becoming reclusive because of what might be lurking outside, isn't an appealing thought, neither is going along with stuff just to keep the peace, or to appease demanding, bratty types.
There's got to be a balance.
There has to be something between retreating to a hole and hibernating, and wiling out.
I simply do not like arguments--even if I'm not in them.
Flight is a convenient response.
I know now, that walking away, or falling silent are in fact responses--and they're not often received well. As a matter of fact, for some people, they're more incendiary than punching them in the face after calling them a sick, twisted spawn of Satan. Unpleasant or not, sometimes you just have to engage, if for no other reason than to free, and identify yourself.
Some people tend to want your consent.
Others want to control you.
Still others seek to change you.
Then there are the rather scary ones who think they own you.
How about those who think you should be forever indebted to them?
I can't leave out those who expect you to be at their beck and call, as if you're super-glued to your computer or phone, and on their payroll.
You'll know exactly who in your life falls into which category the first time you say "No." and mean it. That one tiny word separates the understanding friends from the freakishly controlling acquaintances and strangers.
Orders, demands, drama, stress, power plays, arrogance, tantrums, threats--stuff like that
just plain make my eyelashes hurt, especially when they show up all willy-nilly
where they don't need to be.
(Do you want me to transform into an unresponsive, oblivious lump of total disinterest? Try to turn what I love to do into a chore by being unreasonable, unkind, and adding a lot of useless, unnecessary, time-consuming requirements.)
Sometimes, people want you to respond to their mania with fear and trembling. When you don't, they don't understand.
You're accused of being aloof, or not serious enough. Fact is, some things just don't deserve that much attention or encouragement.
Contentious situations, and difficult people tended to suck the life out of me.
I had to acknowledge, though, that I allowed it. Difficult People 101.
It's the one lesson in God's summer school that I've had to keep retaking.
In the past, I have opted to leave a situation altogether before I wasted energy or time tangled with someone who seemed to be itching for trouble. There's a price to pay for non-compliance. Sometimes it's flat out punishment.
You're punished for engaging, and you're punished for retreating.
There will always be someone who thinks they have something you certainly want so badly that you're willing to put up with anything to get, and or keep it. You quietly say, "Not so".
You don't want anything that badly, and that of course, really ticks folks off.
Who do you think you are?
When people dangle their wonderful carrots in front of you, and you're not in orange vegetable mode, woe be unto you, or better yet, what's wrong with you?
You can't win.
Oh well.
I learned there's such a thing as "good stress", but bad stress is not an option.
Maybe it's unrealistic to want peace all of the time, but I can hope, can't I?
Maybe the most exasperating question of all was asked by the late Rodney King: "Can't we all just get along?"
I wish the answer could be an enthusiastic "Yes!", but that would mean that someone would expect you to abandon yourself, and become just like them so they'll be happy.
Someone is always starting something. Why?
And why is it always with those who least want to engage? It's the devil, I tell ya.
My very wise daughter said, "People don't know what buttons to push, but the enemy does."
The mistake many make, is picking on someone who they think can't, or won't finish a thing.
Many have learned the hard way what the embarrassing consequences are of picking on people who don't make a habit of picking on anyone.
It's what people think of themselves, that gives them the idea that it's okay to be a jerk toward others.
It's true. We really do teach others how to treat us, and when they learn the lesson well, and behave less than respectfully, friendly, fairly, graciously, honestly or considerably, I suppose we can't be mad, can we? We taught them.
I was watching 'Love Actually" and was struck by the lines Hugh Grant spoke in his role as Prime Minister:
"I love that word
"relationship". It covers all manner of sins, doesn't it?...A friend who
bullies us is no longer a friend, and since bullies only respond to
strength, from now onward, I will be prepared to be much stronger..."
I said "Wow" out loud, and replayed that portion of the DVD like it was a sermon.
Perhaps it's time for new lessons— for others and ourselves. Not out of any vindictive spirit, but just because it's time.
Lessons
in establishing boundaries;
making choices;
asking for what we want;
saying what we
mean;
speaking up;
being fearless;
being firm;
recognizing priorities;
examining relationships;
and saying "No" and meaning it, just may be the order of the day.
Maybe it's also time to stop running, stop retreating, stop caving, stop abandoning our own wants and wishes, and re-introduce our stronger, balanced selves to ourselves.
It may be shocking, but some people hate you, your family, your friends, your peace, and the
unity and contentment it all represents--and they have for a LONG time.
Perhaps from your childhood
to this day, the only memories you have of them is the confusion they
were forever causing.
Even if you've kept your distance, or somehow
managed to ignore them, they're always attempting to infiltrate your
life by way of someone close to you.
They’re itching to engage.
If these
imps thought they could BE you, they sure would try!
They seek to be a
part of your life, and they do it by being intrusive, nosy, obnoxious,
divisive, shady and dishonest.
Their aim is to cause conflict, mistrust,
and drive wedges between you and your parents, siblings, extended
family, friends, and coworkers.
It's usually because of some lack in their own lives.
Their aim is to prove that they're somehow closer to your loved ones
than you are!
Now, just where do they get their perceived power and the
authority to use it?
Unfortunately, it may come from those closest to
you, who trust the very snakes-in-the-grass they should be stepping on.
If you let people negatively impact your family, talk about your family,
or foolishly contribute to the tearing down of those closest to you, you may
want to have your head examined.
Grandmothers are right, and said it
NICELY:
"You never know who's going to have to give you your last drink
of water".
Others said it a little tighter, but it, TOO, is right: "You
never know who's going to have to wipe your behind."
It would behoove
us all to treat everybody right, mind our own business, and the affairs
of our OWN households, speak only what we KNOW to be true, refrain from
gossip, get to know people for ourselves, and never, EVER take anyone's
kindness, niceness, or quietness for weakness.
No sense in one getting
one's feelings hurt.
A friend told me of the shock of
being in the home of a family member who apparently didn't know their
home phone was in speaker mode.
The person on the other end of the line
made some rather disparaging comments, and she heard them. That didn't
hurt nearly as much as her family member's failure to stop it.
Just why
would the person on the other end of the line feel so free to speak?
Why
didn't her family member set the person straight?
Perhaps, it's hard to
admonish someone when you engage in the same behavior as they do.
Some people only know what they're told.
They only "know" you based on the characterization others have given about
you.
If they never bother to get to know you for themselves, it can be
unnerving when you finally meet them.
Depending on who's doing the
telling, they either consider the information accurate or unfounded.
It's hard to chastise or correct someone about what they say, or how
they feel, when the person responsible for their opinions and outlook is someone they consider reliable.
Gossip and lies have successfully separated even the closest of individuals.
The people you think
would defend you, and be in your corner aren't always on the job.
They'd
rather run you down and cause others to think less of you. Why?
A very simple truth should always apply: "If they'll talk about them to YOU, they'll talk about you to THEM."
What
a fun time it is, however, when everyone--the talkers and the talk-ees,
are assembled in the same room! No one expects you to be bold enough to
facilitate THAT.
Some folk really don't know when to quit, so
they keep pushing (and running their mouths) until they're told what
they really DON'T want to know--the truth.
It's awful to find out you've
been mad at the wrong person, and the real
culprit is someone to whom you thought you were close.
Some people simply won't
strike back, though.
They assess situations for what they are, and are
confident in the truth's ability to win.
When people have purposed to
keep things to themselves, because they would NEVER think of hurting
others-- in spite of how others have hurt them--sometimes it's best to
leave them alone.
It's a mistake to think they're weak.
Some folk have
been waiting to tell others off. They've been rehearsing it. They are itching to tell others just what the real deal is, but they choose not
to.
The personal satisfaction of revenge simply isn't worth it.
They
know others wouldn't be able to handle the information-- nice, juicy
tidbits of embarrassing, or incriminating information-- that others aren't aware that they have.
If they did, they'd surely back off and leave other people alone.
Never
regard gossip as anything more than it is. Don't dignify it.
It's not
pertinent, scintillating conversation.
It's not life-giving or
life-saving information.
It's destructive, and the rifts and damage it
causes in families, among friends and organizations is often
irreparable.
Don't delude yourself into thinking that a strife-loving
gossip knows ANYTHING about tact, loyalty, and discretion.
Note those
people who are always asking way too many personal questions about the
people you know. Watch out for those who are quick at dropping the
information they've gained from others the second they encounter you--as if they know
you.
Some people have a way of immediately putting you on the defensive, and causing you to engage in serious damage control!
You wonder, "Where
the heck are they getting their information, and why are they so
consumed with the goings on in my life anyway?"
It's that familiar spirit.
It's that imp that infuses itself into everything; thinks everyone's business is its
business.
It's a slick demon, but not very smart, because it doesn't
know when to shut up or what to say.
It usually digs a hole for its
sneaky self--not knowing how to emerge from it--except to continue to
lie and ingratiate itself where it is neither welcome nor accepted.
It
labors under the misapprehension that your friends or family members are
theirs.
If you take the time to figure it out, confusion can usually be traced back to one person whose mouth can double as a fountain.
Find the common denominator in a "He said, She said" situation, and a lot
will be explained.
Too many people are upset with others for the
wrong reasons.
Too many go around throwing shade at others who don't
deserve it.
Too many spread rumors and untruths about others to cover themselves.
Too many problems remain, and gain momentum for years because of the words and actions of an evil, selfish, mutual acquaintance.
Confrontation
is never comfortable, but some things need to be quashed.
The most effective way to get at the root cause of the
confusion that people start, is to confront them. Watch what happens when you bring everyone
together.
Watch what happens when the person who said it, and the person they said it to are in the same
space. They'll hem, and haw, and lie, and get loud, and stutter, and
sweat, and swear, and squirm, and get angry, and get awfully defensive,
and flat-out tell on themselves with every word and gesture.
Hopefully, the shock of being exposed will cause them to think long and
hard before they run their mouths and drive wedges between people again.
That, of course is the desired outcome.
If there
is peace, and harmony nowhere else on Earth, it should reside in, and be cultivated in your home and among your friends
and loved ones.
Fight to maintain it.
Set boundaries.
Confront when
necessary.
Preserve your peace.
