SATURDAY THOUGHTS: HELP CAN HURT

I guess they thought they were whispering. 

Frankly, no one was exempt from their criticism and jest. My intentions, motives, and actions, too, were under scrutiny. 

It is unbelievable how people can ask you to do a thing and, in the presence of others, spin it as if you asked them for a favor. 

My work, and my work ethic were being maligned and minimized. Yep. I was ticked, and walked directly into their gossip fest. 

The speaker couldn't even look at me. 

The listener looked up, and with a huge, nervous grin, and said, "Oh, Hi Dear!" 

I surprised myself when I blurted out, "Don't try to talk to me if you're going to talk about me."

The speaker told on himself, and curtly asked, "What? What are you talking about? What did I say about you?" 

"This place isn't exactly soundproof", I said. I heard you."

They both sat there frozen, so I repeated their words to them, and reminded them of the circumstances that made my presence and efforts necessary--circumstances that at least one of them should not have forgotten. 

I could hear my voice trembling, but I didn't cry. They looked at each other, smirked, then looked at me with a condescending gaze. 

I continued, citing everything that would make them realize how inappropriate, disrespectful, inconsiderate, and unfounded their words were. 

They were quiet. The shame was palatable. 

One was ashamed for lying, and the other was ashamed for listening and cosigning, instead of promptly shutting down the conversation. 

(It occurred to me that men who have very little respect for women, don't enjoy being scolded or corrected by one.)

I suppose being talked about, is something that everyone has experienced. 

What's worse is when you're talked about negatively, and you hear it for yourself--live--while it's happening, and the person who is running you down is someone for whom you have sacrificed; someone who you've consistently stepped up to help, when no one else would, or could. 

It's heartbreaking, puzzling, and the kind of thing that makes you want to promptly sever ties. Why would someone want others to think the worst about you? What do they stand to gain?

 When you hear someone lying on you, you wonder, "Are they lying, or is it that they really need to believe what they're saying is true?" 

When you hear someone tearing you down, if you didn't know better, you might begin to question yourself. 

I learned that the surest way to stop a gossip or a liar, is to confront them. 

Make a promise to yourself: No more having extended, heated conversations with people who are not in your presence. Confront. 

When you hear someone, who should know you, lying about you, it hurts. 

It wouldn't, though, if you didn't care about them and what they thought. 

That's when you have to consider just how much weight their words should continue to have, and whether you've given away more power to them than you should have. 

Get it back. 

Today. 

Right now. 

My friend Kim was right, "We've given too much power away. No one gets a pass to kick your a**. Not any more."

Sometimes, you get to a point where the opinions of people, whose opinions used to matter, just don't matter any longer. Their words cannot--no--will not continue to either shape, influence, or affect you. You'll always be sad, broken, unsure, perplexed, and lacking in confidence if you allow it. It's not that you have an aversion to constructive criticism or good advice, but what you will not do is absorb the negative, toxic energy and disparaging words of someone who could and should say something good, pleasant, or complimentary, but won't.

When your good is spoken of in an evil manner, you want to say something. You want to defend yourself. Whether it's two people talking or ten, the speaker gets the bulk of your ire, but a part of you also wants to address the listeners. You don't want anyone else walking around with some skewed view of you, so you forget about how much you despise confrontation, and launch into your defense. You feel that you have to counter the rotten stuff they've been told. Every now and then, though, you get interrupted by embarrassed listeners. They know what, and who you're dealing with. They know that they too are dealing with a gossip; someone who is loyal to no one; someone who has no filter; someone who so craves attention that they use their words to drive wedges between people, and do it with no regard for the relationships they are damaging. They know, but they either pity them or humor them. To those who know the truth, you don't have to explain a thing. They know what you've done, why, and for what duration. Frankly, they don't know how you've done it. You don't have to say a word. They know better, and they're praying for you. You're relieved, but still angry. Make no mistake about it. Words do a lot of harm.

How can you continue to work on behalf of someone whose words are curt, rude, or abusive? When there's a legitimate need, and you know it, it's easy. You refuse to take anything they say personally. You, too, learn to humor them. You adopt a new attitude:
"Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people."~Colossians 3:23

Unfortunately, there are those who will never understand or accept you or your efforts. They may need it, but they don't want it--especially not from you, and particularly if they haven't exactly been kind to you. They will always see you through the eyes of their own actions and intentions. A person who gives, expects recognition, and regrets giving when he doesn't get it, will never understand someone who gives anonymously, or out of sheer kindness. A person who gives conditionally will always be poised to take the gift back if the giver doesn't jump through hoops, or offer endless appreciation. A person who brags about the gifts he gives, or the charitable work he does, assumes that everyone else is bragging, too. A person who gives and expects something in return is not a giver, that person is a frustrated lender. A proud, boastful, arrogant giver will always be repelled by, and suspicious of a genuine one. They will always project their M.O. onto everyone else. You must have some ulterior motive. You must want something. You must be looking to enrich yourself. You must be puffed up as you blab all over town what you're doing. You must have some diabolical scheme hatched. You must be expecting payment. When you confront them, though, they have no rational explanation for what they think or the way they treat you. The proof they have is the benefit of what you've done on their behalf. They can't deny the improvement of their own condition. They can look around and see what you've done. What confounds and even angers them, is why you've done it. It makes some people feel better about themselves to suspect that the intentions of others are not honorable. Genuine kindness shown toward them forces them examine themselves, and consider what they've said and done to others--and that can be most uncomfortable.

Proverbs 5:21-22 reads, "If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; And if he is thirsty, give him water to drink; For you will heap burning coals on his head, And the LORD will reward you." Sometimes, you don't find out who your enemy is until you attempt to help him or her. Help can hurt. To some, help is like poison, and no one, except an enemy, would poison you, right? To some, when it comes to help, you are the one throwing water, and they're the Wicked Witch of the West. You're Kryptonite, and they're Superman. Help, to you says, "I love you", "I see your need", "I'm able and available". The person who doesn't want, or is suspicious of help hears, "I'm a failure", "I'm not able", "I can't do this or that anymore", "I'm not virile", "I'm over the hill", "I'm not in my right mind", "I'm losing control", "I can't handle my business", "I'm scatterbrained", "I'm feeble", "I can't be alone". Helping will cause someone to see you as their enemy, and to them, enemies have to be destroyed. There is no better way to do it than to spread lies and rumors, devalue you and your efforts, and break your spirit. Surely that will send you running for the hills. Maybe it used to. 
Words are powerful, but when a cause is more powerful, it might take a while, but you learn to overlook the words. They're just noise. 
One of the best ways to abate noise-- and hang on to your joy-- is to meditate on the truth.