CHILD SUPPORT written 2/2/2010

A friend was ranting about an episode of Maury, where several women were loudly claiming that the same man had fathered each of their children. (Frankly, the shows make my eyelashes hurt.) 

The question of 'blame' came up, and who, among the out-of-control group, should have known better. 

It seemed like a no-brainer to me. 

Each time Maury said "You ARE the father", the women jumped up, screamed "I told you! I told you!", sought applause from the audience, and then commenced to dance around the stage like ShaNayNay, KeyLoLo and BonQuiQui-- as if they'd hit the lottery, or were auditioning for some twisted version of Soul Train. 

There they were--hips shaking, tongues wagging, hands in the air, screeching like banshees, and giving each other high-fives as if the whole spectacle was worthy of any degree of celebration. 

I don't know. Maybe all the carrying on is just an alternative to sobbing uncontrollably in anguish, embarrassment, shame, and regret.

Maury Povich has asked week after week, for YEARS, "If you ARE this child's father, what are you prepared to do?" 

The answer is always a version of, "Imma step up and take care of THIS kid like I take care of ALL my kids, but I don't want anything to do with HER". 

The dejected women have no alternative but to scream back, "You don't have to deal with me, but you're gonna take care of my baby!"

Too bad none of the women saw the demeaning confrontation coming when they were competing against other women for the coveted top spot in the heart of someone they once thought was a prized, monogamous catch.

I HATE those paternity shows, especially because they don't use discretion concerning broadcasting the images of the innocent children. Still, however, I think the most shocking of them all should be added to every middle and high school curriculum as a required viewing, so that teenagers can see what often happens AFTER.

It has to be a nightmare to be spoken of in loving terms, while in the brief throes of passion, and then, before a national audience, be accused of being promiscuous, dishonest, and called every foul, soul-crushing name imaginable---all while waiting for the results of a paternity test. 

Backstage, away from the cameras, the real deal emerges. 

The women don't merely seek child support, and the overnight maturity of their common stud. No. Deep down, they want to be acknowledged and preferred by him in the face of the others. 

All of their energy is being channeled into the care of their children. Who is replenishing them? 

It's not surprising that, in their hearts, they desperately want someone to love them. Surely the seed-spreader didn't consider them ALL ugly stepsisters. One of them HAS to be Cinderella, right? Wrong. 

He doesn't want anything to do with any of them. They're ALL crazy according to him. 

Disgusted by the results he already knew, and the prospect of lighter pockets, he concedes. "Im'ma take care of my kids". 

The women decide to bury their hatchets since their children are, of course, related. 

Then Maury crowns the father "a stand-up guy", and moves on to the next ring of his pitiful circus.

What does one mean when one proudly and defensively declares, "I take CARE of my kids!" ?

What constitutes "care" these days? 

Many people who happen to have children forget that IN ADDITION to clothes, toys, diapers and occasional trips to Chuck E.Cheese, kids ALSO need electricity, heat, air conditioning, water, food, shelter, education, recreation, grooming, medical and dental care, transportation, DAILY guidance, care, teaching and more--and they CANNOT provide these things for themselves. 

Parenting is an unselfish, 24-7, 18-years-PLUS, higher calling. It is not a game or a part-time job. Immaturity, irresponsibility, and selfishness have screwed up the family system. 

When you have a child, it's ALL about them. Children could truly care less about money and material things, but they DO remember who love them, is there for them, and make their environments safe, secure, happy, comfortable, and stress free.

It's sad listening to a non-custodial parent arrogantly defend their minimal care of their own children. I don't know. Maybe it's their way to make themselves feel better. Maybe it's a cry for empathy. Maybe it's their only way to vent about the injustice they feel they've been dealt. 

Quality vs. Quantity is the usual justification, but that argument seems to fly better when discussing potato chips, not time spent with children. 

I just know that I want to scream when I hear things like, "I HAD to watch them for the weekend". Who are they referring to? Puppies? Ferrets?The children of a stranger? 

Now hear this: YOU DO NOT USE THE WORDS 'BABYSIT'  or "WATCH" WHEN REFERRING TO YOUR OWN CHILD.

Someone said, "It's easier for a parent to have a child, than for a child to have a real parent". 

Unfortunately, it takes a system to force some people to do the LEAST that they SHOULD do. 

So many extenuating factors come in to play. 

I know. Every situation is not the same. Some insist until their dying day that they were tricked, blindsided, or wandered drunkenly into parenthood. Uncle Sam, however, declares that somebody had better take care of the children, and if at all possible, it will not be him, NOR the tax paying folks who keep him alive. 

And so, there are laws enacted to protect the children. 

The Bible says that the law is for the lawless. It forces responsibility, and demands accountability. If people would just stop treating children like accessories, there would be no NEED for a system (which is so often bashed for its vulnerability to abuse). 

There's a lot of blame to go around, and the lion's share of it has to be carried by EVERY woman and man who temporarily forgets how babies are made.

Children impact everything that took place before their arrival. Sacrifice, mutual respect, and compromise have to come in to play. There are just some things that couples must talk about soberly, honestly, and in depth before sharing living quarters or jumping brooms. 

Children, and individual philosophies concerning child rearing, should be at the top of the list. 

When people tell you what they firmly believe, it's just not a good idea to factor in your fairy tale desire for them to suddenly change-- because they may not. There's nothing worse than being mad at yourself for hearing what you WANTED to hear--especially when it was not even in the vicinity of what someone actually SAID. 

You cannot make an individual become responsible if they don't want to be. 

"Be a man" carries a little persuasive weight, but it depends on who you're talking to. "Be woman enough..." falls aggressively from the lips of the speaker, but means nothing to someone who doesn't want to grow up.

Ever since the Old Testament, women have clung desperately to the belief that a baby would make a man love them more, or miraculously fix a situation. Look at Abraham, Sarah,and Hagar, Jacob, Rachel and Leah. It's an old lesson that we, apparently, still haven't learned. 

There really is something to be said for remembering the past. 

The Bible is so right. There is "nothing new under the sun". 

New players always think they've stumbled onto something authentic and original. that is beyond the understanding and experience of their elders. 

Some testimonies aren't just encouraging stories---they're God sent warnings. 

There's a distinctive twinge you feel when you hear someone say, "Oh, that's not going to happen to me", when you are all too familiar with the road they are about to travel.

Children have to be a priority. 

It's sad when children have to figure out how to take care of themselves in their own inadequate ways. 

 Parents, blinded by their own need for self-preservation, take digs at each other and the children get caught in the crossfire. 

It's a mistake to think that children are not being affected at all by vindictive, childish behavior. 

Women get angry at the prospect of a man's life seemingly not skipping a beat, coupled with his pursuit of another woman. They conclude that the best way to retaliate and slow him down, is to aim at his pockets. 

Men are often consumed by the notion that women are unfairly enriched, and are spending child support payments on themselves. Parents embroiled in custody battles emerge dressed impeccably, while their confused kids look like poster children for a third-world feeding program.

The realization that one has not exercised wisdom concerning one's body and future, often produces anger, frustration, malice and bitterness that infects a soul worse than any cancer. 

Hearts are broken, families and communities are severed, and the end result is the need for a system to MAKE parents do what should come happily and naturally. 

Money comes into play, and suddenly people are stunned by all of the things a government entity determines are required for the well being of a child. The system then, becomes the enemy. 

The system prefers that families stay together, but be sure that when it comes to children vs. adults, the children are the priority. 

The system is designed to make sure IT is not left with the responsibility of taking care of the little defenseless people it did not create.

The system, that many believe favors women, STILL hopes that men will be the primary provider, even when reality proves otherwise.
Every now and then, a law abiding person who doesn't need to be forced to do the right thing, gets caught up in the same bag with the selfish, profane, embarrassing Maury Show-type deadbeats---male AND female.

Single parenting, under even the most favorable circumstances, has its challenges, triggers and sore spots. 

Fight the impulse to sink into confusion and strife. 

Maintain your self respect and dignity. 

Demonstrate positive behavior to your children. They learn what they live. Follow a foul mouthed kid with a bad attitude home, and rest assured, there is a foul mouthed parent with an even worse attitude. 

Don't sacrifice your children at the altar of selfish ambition and material gain, and then beat drums to drown out their cries for your attention. 

Raising a child is not easy, but you're not ever alone. 

God will never leave or forsake you, and He is such a stellar example of parenthood. 

There is no limit to what a good parent will do for a child. 

 I know women who have never actually given birth, but have been better mothers than others who take their children on guilt trips fueled by the severity of their labor pains. 

The Bible makes a promise: "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it." 

Don't be afraid to parent. Children crave discipline and thrive where there is love. If you are a single parent, custodial or non-custodial, strive to love your children more than you hate the other party. 

If it is in order, do YOURSELF a favor and forgive. 

"Children first" shouldn't just be a catchy slogan. They should be words to live by.