Wednesday, September 28, 2016

WEDNESDAY THOUGHTS: THE BEST
















Before anyone or anything achieves greatness or popularity, it has to be known
There's something to be said for exposure, and these days, almost every day, someone is asking for the masses to support one thing or another.

There was a time when no one ever heard of the people and things that are currently treasured, and deemed outstanding. They became treasured for a reason, and probably not because people were manipulated or bullied into being fans. 

I haven't experienced everything, but I'm a little skeptical when I see a list of "The best", 
"The greatest", 
"The top", 
"The all-time", or 
“The GOAT”
in a category, and I don't see certain people, places, or things included. 

I defy anyone to make a list of the best gourmet popcorn and not include Garrett's; the best singers, and not include Aretha; the best musical groups, and not include EWF or Maze; the best films, and not include "The Wizard of Oz" or "Malcolm X"; the best actors, and not include Sidney Poitier or Maggie Smith; the best artists and not include Michelangelo or Edmonia Lewis... 

Seriously…Who's making these lists? Who's organizing these compilations? Who did they ASK? 

Exposure, and new things are fine; there's an abundance of incredible talent we will never experience, but mediocrity is no substitute for, nor can it cause you to forget the excellence you know to exist. 

Maybe it (whatever it is) does get recognized all the time, but there's a reason for that. 
It's genuinely among the BEST.

WEDNESDAY THOUGHTS: COMPLAINTS


Some complaints are constructive and legitimate. They are catalysts to positive change. 
Other complaints are the unreasonable ramblings of spoiled, critical, entitled, miserable, unappreciative brats. They are catalysts to change as well
One has to know if one's complaining is helping, inspiring improvement, or merely compounding one's problems, and repelling others.

1.You can't complain about what you were given, if it's precisely what you asked for, or you failed to be specific.

2. You can't complain about quality, if what you obtained cost you little or nothing.

3. You can't complain about not having or missing your space, and then wonder why others stay out of your way.

4. You can't complain that no one talks to, or engages you, if you have a habit of being abusive, abrasive and argumentative.

5. You can't complain about how tired or stiff you are, if all you do is sit all day.

6. You can't complain about the opportunities that are offered to others, if you have a history of being undependable, uncooperative, and divisive.

7. You can't complain about the kindness that is shown to others, if you are rarely kind to anyone.

8. You can't complain that no one wants to play with you, if you are an insufferable winner and a cantankerous loser.

9. You can't complain about the job that others are doing, if you are not willing or able to do the job yourself.

10. You cannot complain about the job that others are doing, if you are neither their supervisor nor employer.

11. You cannot complain about what you don't have, to those who know you have more than adequate resources to obtain it.

12. You cannot complain about the admiration that others are shown, when you lack the capacity to see the good in others.

13. You cannot complain about what another person prefers, just because you don't like it.

14. You can't complain about the absence of those who used to help you, if you have a history of taking advantage of their time, resources, and effort.

15. You can't complain about your exclusion from a thing, when you did nothing but find fault and sow seeds of discord when you were included.

16. You cannot complain about the outcome, when you offered no input.

17. You cannot complain about the "something" that others are doing, when you are doing nothing.

18. You cannot complain about no longer being asked to participate, if you never followed directions or cooperated when you were asked.

19. You cannot complain about not being trusted with confidential information, if you are indiscreet and have a penchant for gossip.

20. You cannot complain that your opinions are not valued, when you base them on speculation and lies, and they tactless.

21. You cannot complain about a person's current inappropriate behavior, when your own past is replete with similar missteps.

22. You cannot complain about the division that exists, when you have been the chief architect of it.

23. You cannot complain about the respect you do not receive, if you don't feel that you are bound to respect others.

24. You cannot complain and grumble about EVERYTHING, and wonder why no one volunteers to serve or help you.

25. You cannot complain about your lack, and expect the sympathy of those who are staring at your abundance.

The answer to many people's issues with themselves and others, is to adopt attitudes of appreciation and gratitude. 
After a while, constant unfounded complaining gets old and exhausting. What you won't be allowed to do, is cause people to doubt themselves, or their competence. You won't be allowed to break spirits. You won't be allowed to rip the joy out of every day, and subject others to a constant barrage of negativity. 
Something has to be right, good, praiseworthy, and acceptable. Why not find and embrace it?

Keep complaining; keep looking for things to be wrong, and there will be no one left to listen. 
Even the most patient, compassionate, and gracious people have limits concerning the toxicity they will subject themselves to.

Saturday, September 24, 2016

SATURDAY THOUGHTS


Sometimes, for a myriad of reasons, we fail to see our own value. 
I'm not talking about unchecked over-the-top conceit. I'm talking about a healthy, honest outlook; security in our competence and skill, and an assurance concerning the piece you bring to the equation. 

I pray that if you've been preoccupied with, and discouraged by the disparaging words and rejection of those whose manipulation of you depends on you remaining in the dark, and forever second-guessing yourself, you stop it today

Free yourself from the opinions of others whose opinions are really indictments and road blocks. 
Continue to do your best. Someone is taking notice who will see your worth. You'll know when you're right where you belong. God will make sure you get there--in spite of yourself, and in the face of naysayers.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

THURSDAY THOUGHTS: POETRY PROMPT-- NOW FAITH


Yesterday's faith
Left a lot to be desired
Yesterday's faith
Couldn't move a thing if it tried
Yesterday's faith
Was essentially missing
No wonder I wasn't getting
The things I desired!

But I read, 
If a seed
So much smaller than me
Could envision what it would become,
Surely I could believe
That mountains would move--
Be cast into the sea
Just 'cause I told them to
It's by faith the impossible's done


Yesterday's faith
Always wavered and faded
Disappointed, I'd say 
"That wasn't for me"
Yesterday's faith
So unsure, and so fearful
Couldn't pluck a speck
Much less a sycamine tree

Down on my knees
I cried and prayed
I asked for more faith
Heard the Spirit say
"I gave you the measure
to sustain you for life.
Oh, if you knew
How much I have for you!
Get off of your knees
Child, just believe
If you want to know how,
The faith you need is NOW"

NOW faith
It is the substance
Of everything I hope for
It is the evidence
Of things that You’ve promised--
Even though I can't see it,
I must surely believe it
It's long overdue 
For NOW faith to commence

NOW faith is the stuff 
Wrapped up in the heart of
Everything I can possibly dream of
It's not for me 
To figure out how
So I've traded in Yesterday faith
For NOW




vrw ©2009

THURSDAY THOUGHTS: INTEGRITY



INTEGRITY

1.strict adherence to a code of values or principles- usually moral or artistic
2. an unimpaired, unhindered, unhampered condition
3. the quality or state of being complete or undivided

How does one go forward when one's condition has been impaired? 
How does one proceed in the face of corrupt practices? 
How can one function in the midst of division? 
How can one carry on when something or someone vital is missing?
What, if anything, in and about our lives is incorruptible, sound, complete and honest? 
What can we depend upon? To what can we stamp our seal of approval? 
What security can there be if we are forever asking ourselves, 
"Will it hold?", 
"Is it true?", 
"Is it authentic?", 
"Can it stand?", 
"Is it legitimate?", 
"Is it real?", 
"Can I trust it?", 
"Am I being cheated, ripped off, scammed, punked, tricked, lied to, snowed, played?" 
"Is there anything in this life that I can really count on?"
 Have we been so disillusioned by the shady and the fake, the sometime-y and the slick, the opportunistic and the greedy, that we can no longer recognize what is real, and we walk away from blessing after blessing? 
Have we been hurt, damaged, broken down, crippled, raided, raped, swindled or deprived so often that we no longer have the ability to discern what is good or evil? 
Do we even trust God to keep His word? 
Do we echo, as the House of Israel complained, ‘the way of the Lord is not equal”? (Ezekiel 33;17) 
Never mind the world and its obvious woes, what about in the household of faith? We are warned not to touch the anointed. What happens when the anointed touch you? How do you get back to a place of strength and stability when your condition has been compromised? How do we establish an atmosphere where integrity abounds and is welcomed?

I didn’t want to talk about Adam and Eve. I wanted to talk about the shaky relationship between Jacob and Laban. I wanted to submit that Laban had every right to adhere to the law, and Jacob was simply ignorant of it. Love blinded him, and caused him not to ask the right questions. 
I didn’t want to talk about Adam and Eve. I wanted to talk about Judah, Onan and Tamar. People often ask things of you that seem impossible, improbable, illegal, imposing, and sometimes crazy. I wanted to defend Onan in his desire to parent children that he could claim as his own, but warn of the danger of disobeying the law of God- even when it doesn’t seem just or fair. 
I wanted to talk about the Israelites and the methods they used to weed out Achan after he disobeyed a direct order from God , the consequences of which, would have meant a corporate punishment. The Bible says "But all the silver, and gold, and vessels of brass and iron, are consecrated unto the Lord: they shall come into the treasury of the Lord."  Achan decided either the law didn’t apply to him, or that a little of the treasury wouldn’t be missed. 
There were other situations I wanted to explore but I was led repeatedly to the beginning. What happened in the beginning where the word “integrity” would need to be included in our vocabulary?
Genesis 2:17 reads, “But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.”
The Bible lets us know that God said these words to Adam. Eve had not yet been born. 
The Lord made beasts and birds, and it wasn’t until verse 22 that Eve came on the scene. 
Notice, there’s no conversation between chapters two and three that lets us know that the serpent was somewhere nearby when God was talking to Adam. The serpent, of course, preceded Eve. Who was Adam talking to and trusting with important information before his help meet showed up? Was he talking to the foxes and cougars and chicken heads, I mean chickens and spiders? It doesn’t tell us when the conference call took place to bring Eve up to speed on the working operation of the Garden. Adam couldn’t have withheld that kind of critical information, even though he got the memo first. Could he? 
I wonder sometimes, did he know what he was eating? When she handed him the fruit, did he ask which tree it came from, and then consent to eat, or did he realize what he had eaten only after he looked at her and said “Girl don’t you think you need to put some clothes on?” 
What is it that we are supposed to share with other people that we decide they don’t need to know? Where were you supposed to be, or what were you supposed to do but you found out too late? 
What did you find yourself in the middle of, because someone failed to give you the heads up? 
What information will benefit us all, but someone has decided to withhold it? Who is bringing you a word or a mandate in the name of a person of authority, but leaving out critical pieces of information?
In the garden, the serpent had no problem convincing Eve to eat. All that any of us have to do is plant a single seed of doubt and, like Eve, if we are not careful, aware, or thinking properly, we will find ourselves questioning, and at odds with God. 
The Bible says in verse 9, “And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?” 
An omniscient God wasn’t asking about location. I believe he was asking what state they were in. Where are you? Are you healthy, sober, and whole? Can you look at yourself in the mirror and not be ashamed?Have you stopped caring? Have you decided to abandon your faith and everything you’ve ever been taught? Have you  been discouraged, and decided like the apostles to “go a fishing”?  
Have you lost credibility, favor, or access? 
Have you given up? Are you hiding? Adam where are you?
The serpent caused Eve to look at God differently. It’s what we often do when people hold back what we think we deserve, or don’t freely give all we think they should. A sense of entitlement will do it every time. Sometimes when you give too much, it is no longer appreciated, it’s expected. Convince someone to think they are missing out on something. Imply that someone hasn't been given all that they are supposed to have. I see it every time I give one student a piece of drawing paper and inadvertently, give two sheets to another. You never knew there could be such indignation on the face of a four year old. The implication is that I am being unfair, or that I favor one student over another. To me, it’s just  paper, and there’s plenty of it, but it suddenly gains greater value when it is not distributed evenly.  
Do I have to evenly distribute what belongs to me? Do I have to distribute it at all? If I don’t rectify the situation, the class will be orderly as long as I maintain my presence, or with a heavy hand, demand order, but the atmosphere, the spirit in which some of the children work, will have been contaminated. They’ll be quiet and do what I say, but an element of trust will be missing. “Why didn’t I get two pieces of paper?” “Why does she like her better than me?” 
A simple act, or failure to act, will cause suspicion, division, and animosity. If I turn my back, I can count on a child attempting to snatch that extra piece of paper for themselves, tearing it up so that it will not be fit to use, or sitting idly and pouting in a time out chair for the rest of the class period. 

We’re all responsible for the way we respond, but we also have to take responsibility for the things we set in motion. If I initiate something, and then change even simple rules midstream, I run the risk of causing collapse.
Infer that someone has been cheated or shortchanged, and you will see once vital relationships crumble if there is no effective intervention to repair them. The serpent's whole aim was to drive a permanent wedge between man and God- a wedge that he hoped neither would be able or willing to remove. He came with a lying spirit and only part of the truth. Once his mission was accomplished, it took God and God alone to implement a plan of reconciliation that could not be breached, tampered with or broken. Never before had Adam and Eve been afraid of God. They'd never hidden themselves from His presence. They had no known enemy. The serpent, in a single encounter caused them to doubt and be suspicious of God's motives and principles. “Who told thee that thou wast naked?” 
We really have to be careful who sidles up to us and has an important message from God, or an alternative interpretation of His word.
It infuriates most parents when their children find out things in improper and underhanded ways. Be careful of those who seek to damage the integrity of your relationship with your child by questioning your faith, undermining your rules, mocking your guidelines, and exposing what you have forbidden. Everyone who is close to your child is not a friend of theirs, or a fan of yours
I was always leery of people who wanted to spend more time with my child then they did with their own. I couldn’t understand those who always wanted to redress her, change her hair, keep her out late, associate her with troublemakers, discuss our home life, discourage her from doing her homework or chores, leave her in the company of strangers, buy her things I’d told her she couldn’t have, or take her places I didn’t want her to go. 
In the case of Adam and Eve, maybe nakedness was a lesson for another day. Maybe there would been no shame attached to it if Adam and Eve had learned of it from God. There they were— fearful, paranoid and hiding in their own home, from the One who created them. There they were, altering the purpose of those poor fig leaves. 
When integrity is destroyed, it affects even seemingly insignificant things. Instead of enjoying the fruit of the fig tree, they were sewing leaves together and making their first uniform. 
Disobedience caused them to know and experience things they should never have encountered. Disobedience doesn’t cause us to stop hearing God, or knowing that He exists. It doesn’t stop us from knowing which direction he is coming from, or even understanding what He is saying. It just causes us to flee from His presence and not do our part to maintain close contact with Him.

God, in His mercy and grace watched over His word. He watched over his creation and with immeasurable love, sent Jesus to insure that there would be a way to reestablish communion with Him. God's integrity was never at stake. The serpent, on the other hand, never had any. Adam and Eve had to learn in whom it was that they could, and should put their trust. God was new to them. He wasn’t new to the serpent.
Notice. The serpent knew exactly what to say to Eve. We know what to say to people, too, in order to get them to do what we want. He had a working relationship with God that was void of love. You have to respect the devil. He’s cunning, persistent, and consistent. He works hard and diligently. He tries to make his presence known in everything. He had the love of God at one time, and in his backwards way, settles for God’s attention since he cannot have his affection. It’s not the kind of attention anyone should want, but I believe there is a part of every creature that senses and longs for God, and wants to be near Him. A lack of honesty makes that relationship impossible to maintain, and doomed to fail. 
The enemy so breached the integrity of his relationship with God, that it forever sealed his fate. His fate was not designed for you or me, but provisions have been made to accommodate anyone who chooses to follow in the enemy’s footsteps. Just like we place extra chairs in the aisles and wherever else it is permissible to make room for our brothers and sisters, the Bible says that hell hath enlarged herself, too. 
Anybody ever had a house party?  It’s supposed to be confined to the basement but the word got out, and nobody was watching the door, and folk took the liberty to bring other folk with them. You ended up with people in the basement, in the bathroom, sitting on the washing machine and dryer, on the front porch, playing cards on the beds, standing up eating in the kitchen, and crowded on the back deck. The deck, like Hell was not originally designed to hold a multitude of people. Even Hell had limited specifications at one time. However, unlike a deck, that will inevitably come crashing down under the weight of all of the people who aren’t supposed to be standing upon it, Hell has undergone some modifications so that its integrity will not be affected by the multitudes on the way. Hell is not like the private house party. Hell says "the more the merrier!"  
It is not the will of God that any should perish, but according to the very nature of God, our choices are respected. The Bible says that he stands at the door and knocks. See? He’s very polite, very respectful, very orderly, and stands with great regard for your prerogative to answer or tell Him to go away. He is concerned that our union with Him is not one-sided, lopsided, or unstable. His love cannot be measured, and there is no way I can love Him to the degree that he loves me, and He knows that. He has established the foundation. He has built this house of love. If I am going to be saved, if I am going to have a place with Him, it has to be by grace, through faith. There is a door already fashioned for me to freely enter. If I choose not to answer when he knocks, he is not going to return with a battering ram and a heavenly swat team, and just break down the door to my heart, and set up camp. 
Isn’t it good to know, though, that He allows us to come boldly to His door? I can’t undermine the integrity of anything He has established no matter how I try! His rules, methods, and practices don’t change. He is very specific about how things are supposed to work and what to do in order to maintain stability. Unfortunately, our rules change on a daily basis.
Because you and I have the affection of God, it is the enemy’s sole purpose to kick as many legs out from under your table with God as he can. God himself spoke into existence everything that Adam and Eve could have ever needed or wanted. He showed them incredible favor and great affection. He made them wonderful promises. He embraced them and took them by the hand. He provided a place to flourish. He established a system whereby everything in the Garden required no maintenance and was structurally sound. All Adam and Eve had to do was exist, enjoy the fruit of God’s labor, and strictly adhere God’s guidelines. Their conversation and covenant had been with God. If there were any modifications, if Eve had any questions, before she took a third party’s word for anything dealing with the operating system of the garden, she should have consulted the creator and manufacturer. The manufacturer knows the integrity of his product- what it will, and won’t do, and the dangers of using it improperly. God put a warning on his product. It wasn’t in fine print. He said very plainly what would happen if the integrity of the garden was breached. Could it be that the tree in the midst of the garden was like a central computer, assisting with the daily operations of the rest of the garden? Eve proved that she didn’t really know God, and that her relationship with him was lacking. He had shown himself completely, and provided abundantly. Eve allowed the serpent to challenge her knowledge of God, the integrity of His word, and the truth behind the tree. 
Question integrity, and risk losing access. Too often we allow what is masquerading as authority to affect significant aspects of our lives. The enemy then watches as we forfeit blessings, lose fellowship, waste time, contribute to our own suffering, and make significant work for ourselves as we attempt to rebuild what he has destroyed, and regain what he has stolen.
At some point in everyone’s life we face the consequences of tampering with the wrong, seemingly small and insignificant thing, only to find out it is either an expensive and irreplaceable part, without which, a thing simply will not function, or a toxic, dangerous part that should not be handled at all
One thing out of place, or (as Achan found), in place, or in the wrong place, can be disastrous, and spell consequences for many. One person’s actions may not seem to affect the whole. The old adage “one monkey don’t stop no show” is a favorite especially when we don’t want a particular person around in the first place.  If what one is running is a show, then the adage is true. Yes. You can always find someone to step into the shoes of someone else, do the work of someone else, and assume the role of someone else, and they may even prove to be better at it, but is it the person that God has ordained? A body can hardly afford to be so cavalier. 
Yes, a natural body, designed with almost two of everything can function on just one. God has so marvelously made us that we can give you one of ours if yours stops working.  Loss of one part or one sense, causes the other parts to go into overdrive and adopt functions they certainly can do, but were not designed to do. As a body, each part engaged in its proper function is a key to its survival. Sure. We can always find warm, willing bodies, but are they efficient or effective, perfectly fitted, or divinely suited to carry out what needs to be done? 
A vehicle, comprised of replacement parts, may run just as smoothly, but why not implement a maintenance schedule whereby existing parts aren’t being run down, wearing away, failing and falling off? If something improper is operating in a critical place on the inside of a thing, everyone will know it, and be affected by it. For the well being of the whole- whether it was the Children of Israel in their journey to the Promised Land, the local church as it stands as a light in the community, a small group launching out to provide services, a business venture endowed with a long awaited grant, a new television, a rare automobile, or a computer game, things simply can’t be carelessly imbeded, installed, implanted, tacked on, sneaked in, added on, appointed or elevated if it threatens the proper working order and operation of the whole. 
Some things can’t hold all we try to add to them. Some things that are added prove to be draining. Some things that look like help and enhancement, are anything but. We try to add new applications to old electronics. Add fancy additions to old houses. Increase power to old systems. Overload old circuits with new appliances. We cram extra activities into the days of already exhausted, sleep deprived youth. We take on much more than we can chew and wonder why we can do no one thing well. It’s no wonder we cannot hear the voice of God, nor recognize it when he calls, nor carry out His wishes. We compromise the integrity of these temples, and then run and hide from him in the hopes that He’ll lose his omniscience and forget where we are. We’re tired, worn out, and confused. He is not. We fail to be honest with ourselves about our capabilities and limitations. He knows us. It is through Christ that we should attempt to do all things. Therein lies the strength. Christ doesn’t do the strengthening! He is not a “which” or a “that” he is a “who” a person! —it is the knowledge that he has given us the capacity to operate in His power that energizes and stabilizes me. I can do all things through Christ. It is His strength, his integrity, his anointing, his motivation, his assurance, his perfection! When we venture out armed with His marching orders but our own steam, it’s easy to get confused. We begin depending on the word of others, guided by the agendas of others, listening to the advice and opinions of others, hopping on the bandwagons of others. Its no wonder we are so easily discouraged and so seemingly unstable. Overwhelmed, confused and unsure, we find ourselves doing nothing at all.
It’s why Jonah essentially said, "throw me off the boat". He knew why the sea was acting up, and the ship was in danger. He wasn’t where he belonged! He wasn’t running from men. He was running from God. Even if Jonah hadn’t been on that particular boat it may have experienced the same fate. The Bible reveals a complete lack of unity on board. These were men functioning, working, providing a service in a dysfunctional atmosphere and utilizing haphazard methods to deal with trouble. When trouble comes there has to be a consensus. Everyone involved would be wise to be on one accord. These men, in Jonah 1, verse 5 “were afraid and cried every man unto his own god”. The obvious commotion didn’t even wake Jonah. 
I recall another instance when someone was fast asleep during a storm, and everyone else on board was losing it. The difference was, the apostles had Jesus on board. Wherever Jesus is there’s safety. They should have been fine, and asleep, too. The mariners had Jonah, a fearful, apprehensive prophet on board. He was also a little clueless if he thought that God wouldn’t be able to locate him. At least the ship master had the good sense to tell Jonah to do his part and call upon his God. The mariners, with all of their gods, at least had the wherewithal to find out the source of their trouble. They had probably never had so much trouble before on their trips from Joppa to Tarshish. Someone was threatening the integrity of the ship and hindering their usual comraderie. None of them believed in the same god, but they worked together and they came together as one body to interrogate Jonah. Why are we suffering because of you? What do you do for a living? Where did you come from? Who are your people? Even when Jonah told them what was necessary to calm the sea, they opted to take him to shore instead. When they realized what they were working with, they all got on one accord again and changed their religion. Against their better judgment, but according to consensus, they tossed Jonah overboard, then “offered a sacrifice and made vows”. 
When it becomes evident that a particular thing, concept or action will ensure security, it’s not a bad idea to adopt it.
 The Bible is a book of integrity. It stands to reason that there are numerous examples by which we can learn the pitfalls that result when there’s a lack of it. We can also learn of the most unlikely victories in the lives of those who not only said what they were going to do, but did it.


THE CHILDREN

Yeah. I heard about Brangelina. No. I don't know either of them, and no, everything is not necessarily newsworthy, especially with everything else going on in the world. Perhaps, however, the news of the famous couple's marital woes is just another wake-up call concerning everything from infidelity, to adoption, to emotional, verbal and physical abuse. 
I'm always saddened when children are involved. People talk about how resilient children are, but I think those pronouncements are made to make adults feel better about their selfish and unwise choices. Because of media attention, these children will always be able to see how their lives played out in public--worldwide. There's no shelter. At least, the majority of children of divorce don't have that testimony.

Will the children be nurtured, counseled, well-adjusted, thoughtful, mature, understanding and strong as their "normal" morphs into a new normal, or will they be broken, angry, disappointed, rejected, confused, insecure, bitter, hurting people who go into the world and...well...hurt people?

"As the family goes, so goes the nation, and so goes the whole world in which we live." - Pope John Paul II

Thursday, September 15, 2016

CAREGIVER DIARIES: EMPATHY FOR THE WORK

So...When the gracious deacon finished giving my dad a haircut, he put down the clippers and picked up the vacuum cleaner. That's a big deal, people. That's a mighty big deal--to me, anyway. He didn't do it with an attitude. He didn't seem offended as if it was something he felt was beneath him. He didn't pout or murmur or act as if it drained him. He went one step further and cleaned up the hair. He didn't arrogantly conclude "Oh, Vanessa will do that", and walk away as if he had done enough. He wasn't looking for an audience, but he had one. I watched him vacuum with all of the glee of someone enjoying their favorite performer sing their favorite song. That simple gesture was the epitome of consideration. 

Some people show up and don't care how their actions (or inaction) impacts the caregiver. In their effort to show the caregiver how much leeway and rights they have, they disrespect and disrupt the home of the person they say they care so much about. To them, the caregiver's efforts, feelings, and preferences don't matter. It's not the caregiver's house, so they feel they can do whatever they want. If they could roll over the caregiver with a vacuum cleaner, they would. What they don't know is, when they leave, their antagonism, lack of integrity (and home training) has been duly noted (and apologized for) by the ailing or elderly person, who, fearful of loss of company of any kind, declines to address visitors about their inappropriate, thoughtless, spiteful, and often trifling behavior.

Others, thankfully, know what you face each day. They know why you're in place. They've been in your shoes, and they remember how they wanted to be treated. Consideration is something that caregivers treasure. Caregivers appreciate seemingly menial acts that take stuff off of a usually full plate. The deacon had already provided a very helpful service out of the kindness of his heart. Prior to the haircut, he'd taken my dad to National Harbor for a much needed walk and a delicious meal--and he didn't ask for a dime. 

Sometimes caregivers experience so little consideration and appreciation, and far too much entitlement, micromanagement, and abuse. There's also too much attitude from oblivious people who labor under the misapprehension that caregivers, by virtue of their presence alone, are supposed to happily serve and cater to anyone who happens to walk through the door. Some folk really do think it's that kind of party. 


To some people, lifting a finger in the home of someone who can no longer maintain their surroundings the way they used to, is a sacrilege. Oh sure, for example, they'll walk the wet towels they used to the laundry room, but to actually put the towels into the washing machine, add detergent, and push a button is way too much work. It's as if they had to trek barefoot down to the banks of the Potomac in 102 degree heat, and beat the towels against a rock. Anything resembling work is out of the question. They're visiting. They never had to do it before. They just want to sit and make themselves at home, and dare anyone to say anything. This attitude should never exist or persist in the home of an elderly or ailing individual. Every able bodied individual with two functioning hands should enter with an enthusiastic, "Is there anything I can do to help?" on their lips.

I thank God for those who:

1. understand all that care giving entails
2. don't see caregivers as maids, butlers or slaves
3. seek to lighten the load, not add to it
4. bring sweetness and light, not stench and darkness
5. don't show up merely to inspect, take inventory, scope out the place, or lay claim to the ailing person's belongings
6.  bring encouragement and not gossip
7. endeavor to keep caregivers connected to their interests and personal networks
8. don't deliberately make work for you, upset order, and critical routines
9. recognize the seriousness of an illness or infirmity
10. don't place their own needs and wants and preferences over those of the ailing person
11. don't take advantage of the ailing person's resources
12. won't allow a caregiver's efforts to be sabotaged, minimized or demeaned
13. bring joy and "positivity"--not sour dispositions, scrutiny and division
14. realize that the ailing person's home is just that--a home--and not a hotel 
15. understand a caregiver's dire need for rest
16. recognize that although the caregiver WILL do it (whatever IT is), one less thing to do in the course of a day is a gigantic help 
17. aren't angered by, or stubborn about doing things that will indirectly benefit the caregiver.

I thank God for those who recognize that what a caregiver does each day is WORK.

To my Lisa, my cousin Frances, and my friends, Jocelyn and Danielle, thank you for remembering me this week. It meant the world...and Deacon Leroy Williams, you rock.

WAKING THOUGHTS: LESSONS

Your childhood narrative is powerful. Even into adulthood, when you witness others brazenly getting away with what you were never allowed to do or say, something happens inside. You remember the look from someone in authority that warned, "Don't you dare. I wish you would". You remember thinking with offense and defense, "But I wasn't...I didn't...I wouldn't even think about it!", while also wondering, "Why is it okay for them? Why do they get a pass? Why do you allow it? Didn't you tell me not to be that way? I couldn't do it there. Why do you allow them to do it here? Why do you say nothing as they mock and ignore the very rules you set? The insensitivity, rudeness, nastiness, uncleanliness, disregard, selfishness, forwardness, inconsideration, divisiveness, nosiness---why it it okay?" 
And then you learn: It's okay because it's what is expected of them. Hope for change is low. They don't know any better. They've always been that way. The way they behave, however, is not what's expected of you. You are supposed to be, and do better. They haven't been welcomed annoyances just for the heck of it. They have been necessary examples of what not to be and do. They have been teachers, showing you the end results of a lives impacted by broken dreams, untapped potential, poor choices, secrets, lies, inconsistency, hypocrisy, jealousy, bitterness, envy and dysfunction.

Silence and flight are responses. They're going to talk about you anyway, so you might as well speak up and stay put, right? Not necessarily. Why get your hands dirty? Why risk sending words into the atmosphere that you most certainly mean, but can't take back? You are fully aware of the weight and destructive power of your words. You know that although others may dare you to speak; although their actions are designed to provoke you to lash out, they have NO idea how much they DON'T want to hear what you have to say. People who were raised to be seen and not heard, know a lot. They know too much. Their observation, hearing and listening skills are keen. They have scathing dissertations, sermons, and indictments inside that are brimming with truths. Those truths that others aren't even aware that you know about, have never been shared, just stored. You know the damage it would cause if you ever spoke the fullness of your mind. You were taught to be polite. Those truths live behind a smile. 
The abrasive and abusive people in your life have no idea how fragile the nerve is upon which they tap. Perhaps they've tapped on it ever since you were a child. As an adult, they don't realize that you are now the oscillating fan that's set to high speed. If they throw it your way one more time, the potential for them to be covered from head to toe with layer upon layer of their own shit is great. And then you learn: You don't have to resort to the behavior of those who offend you. Not doing so only makes them hate you more. They're going to find ever-increasing ways to annoy you, and that's unfortunate, but you don't have to get into the mud. So don't.

People know full well when they're being imposing, impolite, and inconsiderate. Some do it on purpose, hoping you'll say something; itching for a fight; waiting for you to lash out so they can utter a dumbfounded, sarcastic, "What's wrong with you?", or "You're supposed to be a Christian!" Why do people who expect you to put up with their crap always say that? It's their go-to phrase! They say it like it's your Kryptonite; "You're supposed to be a Christian" translates, "Lie down, punk, so I can continue to walk all over you." It's funny. That "Christian" comment is easily lobbed your way, but never in the direction of those whose words and behavior have so negatively impacted you, perhaps for your whole life--and then you learn: They're not followers of Christ. They just pretend to be. Of course they don't follow Christ! They just brush up on theory so they can use it against other people. These are the people sent to test your faith and resolve. These are the walking fires you have to get through. These are the testers who will facilitate your refinement. It may feel like it when they are underfoot, but you will not be consumed.

Why engage those who you have already discerned are not the least bit interested in your well-being? Evil doesn't want to change. It's been having too much fun at the expense of good, but it doesn't see how it is destroying itself in the process. 
Refusing to engage; surrendering the difficult people in your life to God, are the best ways to proceed. Sometimes a "This too, shall pass" attitude is highly appropriate. The Miss Hillys in our lives WILL eventually get tired of being hateful and provocative. They, like trouble, won't last always. 
You learn: Peace and harmony are wonderful things.