CAREGIVER DIARIES: BUILD A TEAM

Caregivers need a good, solid, dedicated team.

Sometimes, even your briefest absence exposes the passivity, inattention, uncaring, negligence, ineptitude, bad intentions, incompetence, shucking, jiving, and lack of dependability of those who, in a perfect world, would readily and eagerly relieve you. 

Note how some people panic and feign concern if you say, "I'm going to be out for a few hours". They act as if you're leaving your loved one bound and gagged in a broom closet with a stack of crackers, tap water, and a straw. They want to know who's going to be there if you go, but they never say, "Don't worry, I've got you". 

Don't ever expect help from them. Just cross them off of the list. They'd be glad if you never saw the light of day and in addition to being a caregiver, become a hermit.

Some people only have their eyes on the job to keep tabs on you--to see where you are, what you're doing, how you're doing it, and if you're being favored or enriched in some way. If they had to do the job themselves, they'd fail miserably. You see, they know exactly what you deal with each day, and they want no part of it, in large doses, that is. They don't want the work, just the perceived perks. These manipulators foolishly think they have the ear of your loved one, but that's only if there's a common foe. They're hoping that common foe is you, but everyone with functioning eyes, particularly your loved one,  is well aware of who's consistently putting in hours and who isn't.

You do get tired sometimes. You lament that some aspects of the job are not fair, and you sometimes, catch a whole lot of unnecessary crap from the most unlikely places and people as you toil, but that's when you realize, just because it's thrown, you don't have to put on a glove and play.  

You don't have to do everything, and you want to smack yourself for ever thinking that you did! You're not alone. Help is available. You just need to look elsewhere--other than among the usual, and although well-meaning, often useless suspects. By all means skip those who have proven that they merely add to the workload, cause chaos, and upset the apple cart when they do come around. Who the heck needs that? Just as you have learned your own strengths, limitations, expectations and boundaries, be realistic concerning others. Neither you, nor anyone else, can give what you don't have.

Some talk, others do. 

Some are in the trenches, others watch from the sidelines, or fly over every now and then, but never get their feet wet. 

Some are committed; others like to make it seem as if they are. 

Oh, these mofos are gooooood about what they tried to do, were going to do, planned to do, wish they could do, or almost did. They're so swamped, but they expect you to keep them in the loop so they can accumulate points. Shoot. That's like working a full-time job, collecting your paycheck and splitting it with a random person who was laid out on a beach somewhere. Nowhere is that right, reasonable, or appropriate.

There's a reason why you're on the job. You're keenly and, constantly aware of it, otherwise, you'd have been long gone. You're not really sure why others don't grasp the urgency, or see that a dramatic change has taken place in the dynamics of your life and the life of your loved one, but trying to figure that out, too, is a waste of time. 

Don't be surprised if your opinions of some people take a nosedive, while others emerge as rays of light. Don't resent or become weary of your effort, or frustrated because those who should help you either can't, don't, or won't. It's your test and your assignment. You alone know why you do what you do. It doesn't matter if anyone else gets it. No longer should you be preoccupied with busybodies, noisemakers, agitators, instigators, and slackers. There's no need to defend yourself or your actions ever again to anyone--particularly those who haven't lifted a finger except to point out what they think you ought to do. 

Worrying about what someone else is NOT doing drains your energy and is wasted time. No one is indispensable or invincible--not even you. Find a new pool of helpers. They're swimming out there anxious to answer your call. The best help is someone who is committed to the task, has integrity--and thick skin. Often, it's someone who has been a caregiver before. Enlist them, and you'll see progress, and even a change in your disposition. Stress is a killer. Don't forget that.

Don't waste another minute on do-nothings who specialize in chatter, and by all means discern those who seem to delight in your suffering. Confide in them no longer. Make decisions. Start anew--in yourself. Refresh and rejuvenate. Build a team--a good reliable one. I did. Finally. It's one of the best things you can do to promote self-care as you give care.