'Be anxious for nothing..." ~Philippians 4:6

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

SOCIAL NETWORKING BLUES

In conversation, tone and intention aren't difficult to grasp. In writing, it's very easy to be misunderstood, offensive, threatening, lewd, presumptuous, deceitful, rude, or inappropriate when it isn't one's intention. When it is, the power of words to jump off of a page and affect one's demeanor is again reaffirmed. It's facebook, for example, but the smiling face one sees and the posts one reads can leave one scratching one's head, or phoning a real friend for a second opinion. "What is this supposed to mean?"
A poor choice of words isn't a crime, and although innocent, or with no intention to cause confusion or harm, thoughtlessness before clicking "post" can be problematic. Other times, however, comments are posted specifically and deliberately to give readers the impression that close, personal, longtime relationships exist. That's another good ol' reason for the delete/block feature after the double take, gasp, and "What the...?
Don't abuse the limited access that others grant to you by behaving (posting) badly. Think, then click. "Social media friend" and "true friend" are not the same animal. Boundaries are set for a reason. Most people who use social media have proven they aren't totally unwilling to engage others. Once the olive branch is extended, though, don't snatch it and make shredded salad out of it.
#networkhonestly #respectmatters #familiaritybreedscontempt

Thursday, August 6, 2015

CAREGIVER DIARIES

She seemed startled when I came to the door. I guess she thought he'd be alone. "Oh, uh,Vanessa. Hi. I didn't know you were here". Funny, but she said "you" as if I was some alien intruder from Neptune. I reached for the large tote bag she was carrying so that she could maneuver the steps. She came in the middle of the day; all dressed up in a nice gold and white ensemble, and bearing vegetable soup and pumpkin bread. "I just came to check on him", she said, in a tone that implied she thought, or heard he was in grave danger. In the foyer, she said she hadn't been here since my mother was alive, so I would have to show her the way. She declined my offer to transfer the soup to another container so that she could have her bowl back...She cautioned me about the food: "Now, uh, you probably won't like it. It's for him. I made it for him." I wanted to say, "It's 213 degrees outside, ma'am. I won't be eating soup today unless Gordon Ramsay shows up and makes it, and the only thing I like about pumpkin is the color."

I led her to the sun room where he was resting in his recliner. She greeted my dad, sat down, then immediately began commenting on the spaciousness and cleanliness of the house, and whether he liked living alone. He told her I was here helping him. Her visit was more like an interrogation. "Where's your car?", "Did you get your property tax bill? Is it high?" "Do your other children come to visit?" "How long have you been here?" He told her about the church member who'd, after also noting the space, made plans to move her family in-- plans he assured her he'd never solicited or cosigned. She laughed, then said, "And her husband is dead now! She would have still been here!"  He told her he knew me, so he didn't mind me being here, but he was leery about strangers. Then she said, "It's nice to have company once in a while, but do you really need somebody here all the time?  People are crazy! You have to be careful who you let in your house, even your own children. They just try to take over, and you know how that is. Once you get them in here, it's hard to get them out." 

I heard a low, rumbling growl, then realized it was coming from my own throat...I've been here since June. I hadn't laid eyes on her until yesterday. Aside from my siblings, the people who have been helpful and encouraging have been few. Was she implying that he should be wary of his children? The people who have been the most helpful of all? Does she even know us like that?
I'd let a shade-throwing busybody in the house, and she didn't waste time coming for me. She certainly was talking loudly enough for me to hear her. The hair. The jewelry. The outfit. The food. Oh no! Did I mess up her groove? Was she yet another church lady vying to be my new stepmother? As much as I would love for my dad to have a suitable companion, a nosy, messy one who would seek to drive a wedge between him and my siblings and me, would never get my endorsement. Wow...and she seemed like such a nice old lady, too...bringing soup and all.
I hadn't been trying to hear all that I'd heard, so I turned up the volume on the TV to drown out anything else she might say that would make me want to show her the door and feed her soup to the garbage disposal.

She was yet another example of the insensitivity that caregivers endure. Some people pop in, drop dirt and leave. I wondered if she had any idea of the stress my family has been under since my little sister found my dad lying on his kitchen floor, suffering from first, second, and third degree burns. He'd been on the floor for hours, unable to get up. Surely she didn't know about the subsequent hospitalization, rehab, and ongoing therapy that made a constant presence in his home a necessity, and his acceptance of it a relief. I wondered if she thought I couldn't hear her. I wondered if she thought this house was self-cleaning, or if the food she smelled when she walked in, had cooked itself. I then wondered why I cared one whit about anything she thought or said. Who is, or isn't here, why, when and for how long, is none of her business. She's not owed an explanation for anything. Her snide remarks, opinions and observations won't impact a thing here.
I admit I didn't know whether to laugh, be offended, confront her, or pray that she be delivered from the presence of her own children. Maybe her own experience fueled her remarks. I know I definitely won't be eating any of the soup she brought. People are crazy...lol.

As he stood up when her visit was over, she saw the stoop of his back; his hesitant gait. Her countenance fell. He went to the bathroom, and she came into the kitchen and tried to engage me in conversation. I had already constructed a brick wall...with barbed wire at the top...She would be getting little or nothing out of me. "How is he doing?" The childhood narrative that taught me to be nice and polite forced me to say, "He's doing much better, thank you". After an awkward pause, she asked, "How are you doing?" Without turning around, I said, "I'm okay." Somehow, it seemed that her concern for me and my feelings came too late.
There was so much more I wanted to say, but it would have included the speech my upbringing won't allow me to say to every single misinformed, intrusive, insensitive, callous, thoughtless person I've encountered as a caregiver. "I'm not here because I'm destitute. He's my father, and like most people, prefers to remain in his own home. If cooking, cleaning, nursing, washing, ironing, secretarial, accounting, transportation, trash hauling service, stress, loss of privacy and sleep, and dealing with nosy busybodies who talk a lot, call a lot, gossip a lot, but do nothing to help constitutes "taking over", then that's just what the hell I'm doing. Perhaps your time would be best spent minding your own damn business, but if you really want to help, or have some say in what goes on around here, try paying the bills--all of them.
Perhaps she wasn't quite deserving of that. Churches have "sick and shut-in" lists. Maybe they should introduce busybody lists, too. 
What I've got to continue to do is cultivate thicker skin.

Whether you're the ailing person, the caregiver, or a supportive family member in a care giving situation, cover and support one another.
You have to be sure of the strength of your relationships so that the seeds of discord that others try to plant (knowingly or otherwise) will just blow in the wind. Communication between the people who matter most renders null and void the meddling ways of others. When they leave, or hang up the phone, you can laugh. Open your eyes. Who's always in your ear with unsolicited advice fueled by gossip or misinformation? Who's always trying to isolate you, or demonize your family and close friends? Who's always coming to your home trying to start stuff? In the words of the great philosopher, Bernard P. Fife, "Nip it in the bud". One thing old girl was right about. You can't let everybody in. People with agendas will wreck your situation--if you let them. Don't you let them. 
Stay strong.