'Be anxious for nothing..." ~Philippians 4:6

Thursday, July 30, 2015

CAREGIVER DIARIES

It's been a good week so far...good reports from the physical therapists and visiting nurses concerning my dad...a visit with a friend who is also a caregiver...lovely lunches with friends at The Hamilton and McCormick and Schmick's...a fun rehearsal with my sister and friend, Sol...and I'm so looking forward to singing with them with one of my favorite vocalists, Phil Perry.
"Promise me you're going to take care of yourself", a friend said earlier in the week. I promised, and I intend to keep the promise. "You can't be good to anyone if you're not good to yourself".
I believe that...: )

CAREGIVER DIARIES

During his stay in a local nursing facility, my sister was in possession of my Dad's cell phone. She'd been paying for the service for him for years. The condition of his vision demand that he have a phone with features that are easily seen. Upon returning home, he asked everyone about the phone except my sister. She had the phone at her home for safekeeping, and so, my dad assumed his phone had been lost or stolen. He mentioned the "missing" phone to a friend of his-- a rather nosy, annoying, too-familiar fellow, who immediately jumped to negative conclusions. Surely, we were deliberately hiding the phone and keeping his calls and messages from our dad.  To make sure that he could reach him when he wanted, he convinced my dad he needed a new phone and took him to buy one. It's the kind of thing a possessive significant other would do, (or someone who has been in the pocket of another person and wants the gravy train to continue). I've always been a bit leery about the guy's motives, and mistrusting of his actions. It's not the first time he's taken liberties as if he's a member of our family, and to say that my patience with his meddling is running thin, is an understatement. I was grateful and happy when a representative of the nursing facility phoned to warn me that the guy was trying to pass himself off as my brother, in an effort to gain confidential medical information. The cell phone issue presented yet another opportunity for him to stick his nose where it didn't belong.
What he encouraged my dad to buy was a joke. It's a flip phone that's even smaller than the phone he had. He can barely see the numbers and features. The friend's actions may have him thinking he has regained the access he feared he was losing, but his premature, unnecessary actions didn't help. If he was really attempting to be helpful; if he was really aware and mindful and thoughtful of my dad's condition, he would have purchased a large, smart phone, instructed him in its use, and incurred the expense. My dad has a home phone, and already had an adequate cell phone that he'd mastered, but now, he has what is essentially a paperweight, and new monthly bill to pay. When someone is already technologically challenged, the last gadget they need is one that also challenges their vision. His friend should see his frustration when he's attempting to use the new phone.
I see it every day...
...and every day, more and more I appreciate considerate people who mind their own business.

What the caregiver sees, hears or experiences is often missed or dismissed by others. The caregiver knows when the ailing person is feeling at his or her best, is tired, sleepy, in a good or bad mood, wants company, or doesn't want to be disturbed. The caregiver learns a lot about the friends and acquaintances of the ailing person without even intending to do so. The caregiver learns who is welcome and who is merely tolerated; who's shady and who is honest; who is helpful and who has been helping themselves.
What used to be allowed in the life of the ailing person may not be feasible any longer. Friends and acquaintances may not take kindly to that. As a caregiver you can gain enemies. You may get the feeling that friends and acquaintances of the ailing person think you work for them. They are mistaken. The sooner they learn how little a priority they are to you, the better.

Phone calls at all hours, or unannounced visits interrupt sleep and interfere with routines. The caller or visitor doesn't see the person they are trying to reach as they are scrambling from the bathroom, trying to get dressed, rubbing sleep from their eyes, being startled by the ringing, lamenting that their meal is getting cold, or mumbling, "Who could that be?". They don't acknowledge that a visiting nurse, or physical therapist may be present. The presence of a caregiver gives the false impression that the ailing person is always accessible. Sometimes, people lose respect for the ailing person's privacy, and are more concerned about their own needs, wants, and schedules. Just because one wants to talk or visit and the ailing person at home, is retired, or bedridden, doesn't mean it's okay to call or drop in at the crack of dawn. Too often people treat ailing people in ways they would never personally tolerate.

Inconsiderate micro-managers are the worst. They're not on the job, but they want and even demand a say in how things are done, and even think they are owed details and explanations. They want control. One of the greatest annoyances to a caregiver is an individual who sees whatever hold, access or routine they've previously had, concerning the ailing person, slipping away. It's weird, but the caregiver is viewed as some kind of insignificant peon, a pushover, or a blockade. Intrusive people labor under the misapprehension that the caregiver should answer to them, and doesn't have needs, timetables, plans, and boundaries of his or her own. Intrusive people, acting on erroneous or limited information, leave a lot to undo or clean up. If a caregiver wasn't confrontational, brutally honest, and direct before, intrusive people will certainly draw out those traits.

Maintaining peace and harmony in the home of an ailing person is so critical. The spirits that some people bring are positively toxic. The sooner they're directed back to their own lane, or sent packing, the better. Care giving isn't a game. I'd be rich if I had a dollar for every time someone said, "Take care of yourself". Part of taking care of myself is maintaining contact with the people I love and trust. It would be nice, but a caregiver can't assume that the ailing person's friends give enough of a damn to make sure that their words and actions aren't making his or her job more difficult or aggravating than it has to be.

 

PRESERVE YOUR PEACE

You do have help. 
You do have support. 
You do have choices. 
You are not alone. 

Stop giving power to those who have no say, whatsoever, in your circumstances.
Don't let seeds of discord find good ground in you. Pay attention. 
Ask pertinent questions. 
Examine motives--yours and those of others. 
Ask why, and don't be gullible.

My grandmother always said, "A dog that will bring a bone will carry one". 
Don't participate in, or encourage gossip. 
Don't just give passes to, or make excuses for people because of who they are. 
Quash drama no matter who brings it.

Know who is on your side-- and appreciate them. Thank God for discernment and discerning, praying, wise people. 
Thank God for those who build you up.

Preserve the trust and peace in your world. 
Unity is a wonderful thing. Maintain it. 

When people realize they no longer have a place in your life to brew their schemes and strife they will move on, and the joy that is yours can and will thrive...: )

Sunday, July 26, 2015

WOOSAH

Winding down.

I got a phone call from one of my late mother's dearest friends. Just hearing her voice made me cry. The call couldn't have come at a better time. "Your mama wasn't as passive as you think. She used to be quiet and take a lot when she was younger, but she grew up. She was strong. She said what she needed to say, and that was the end of it. You gotta do that too."
Not running from confrontation is new...and refreshing. Sometimes you're asked to engage in conversation when what is intended is a lecture, criticism, or an attack. Sometimes you're asked what you think when what people really want is consent. If you can't give it, don't. If you don't agree, it doesn't keep peace (at least not inside of you) to say that you do. Going along to get along doesn't work. The issue will only raise itself at a later date, and having to repeat your stance when you've already made yourself clear, makes you wonder how seriously you're taken; how much you're respected. Taking a stand isn't necessarily brave, or bold, but it's healthy. Having the last word is sweet when truth is on your side. Keep telling it.
Keep standing.

Friday, July 24, 2015

FRIDAY THOUGHTS: QUIET TIME

Compared to the tenseness of yesterday, today was refreshing. 
I deliberately spent the first half of the day alone; opened windows; enjoyed the view of the back yard; took a ride to Rivertowne with my cousin; found Wise barbecue potato chips at The Dollar Store, then ran into Robert Layne, the former DCPS security guard who was wounded at P.R. Harris Educational Center back in the early 90's. 
His telling of his struggles since then were heartbreaking. 
It made me reconsider if I had a reason to complain or be anxious about anything...
 

CAREGIVER DIARIES

When the quiet, observant, nice, discerning person says there's a problem, take note. There's probably a problem. I have never, EVER wanted to dislike anyone. I've always tried to find the good in everyone. Some people, however, give you far too many reasons to skip that; too many annoyances that override your usual sunny disposition. I am convinced that people bring spirits so foul and divisive that it is unbearable to occupy the same space with them--even for a little while.

They annoyed my late mother with their intrusiveness, thoughtlessness, and disrespect. Calling and popping in at all hours. Eating up her food. Overstaying their welcome. Monopolizing my dad's time. Interfering with their plans. Gossiping and always touting some get rich quick scheme, or jackleg religious endeavor. Always coming to him when they couldn't pay their bills. Acting as if there was shared DNA...They are too familiar. It is not clear to some of them that friendship with my father does not mean friendship with me. I've seen enough of their ways over the years to know that I don't trust them as far as I could throw them.
 I yelled "Get out!" yesterday, repeatedly, in a way my mother never would have. It was as if I was doing it for her because she didn't--and can't any more. Years of suppressed disgust burst out of me. I guess it takes a lot of nerve to tell someone to get out of a house that you don't own...lol...The tasks of care giving are tough enough without the constant imposition or presence of those who showed so little regard for my mother. Maybe they didn't know what a thorn in the side they were because she never put her foot down.
My mother is heavy on my mind these days. I wish I didn't know how she felt. I believe I've absorbed her discontent. I realized today that I have been frustrated for my mother; missing her terribly; imagining what she dealt with for so many years, and how. She's gone, has been since 2003, but the annoying people who plagued her life aren't. It's like they won. I'm angry and nursing a grudge that isn't even mine and experiencing the annoyances first hand.
Mommy never said anything to them. She was such a lady. She took a lot; kept quiet about a lot--graciously. I wondered, today, what role stress played in her illness and death. I want to talk to my mother's friends. Maybe I want them to talk to me. Tell me how she coped. Yesterday, I felt defeated. Today, I'm rested; blinders and gloves are off.
The nosy. The inconsiderate. Their nerve is unbelievable...but then, again, people do what they're allowed to do. Yesterday was a wake-up, so in case you're finally getting it, like me, say what you need to say immediately and with authority.  Don't wait. It won't be pretty. Storing up words isn't a good idea. Trying to be nice, polite, and lady-like might spare them, but it isn't good for you. Some things do not need to be swept under the rug. Some behaviors need to be addressed before they get out of control-- and you lose control. If the person who SHOULD say something doesn't, can't, or won't, the chain of command may lead to you. Some people need to be ushered back into their own lane. Others are traveling the wrong way on the wrong highway, altogether.

Preserve the peace and order where you are. A longtime friend reminded me that I am never without a choice. Another asked me if I'd forgotten who was the captain of my joy.  I'm sick and tired of busybodies. I've magnified them. That's my fault. Note to self: Don't ever do it again.
Fortunately, yesterday's demon didn't succeed. I'm still here--taking a lot of deep breaths, but still here. I did not cry. I did not back down. I sprayed the chair they occupied with Lysol since I didn't have a silver cross or garlic handy. Yeah. It's like that.  Some people are like a ray of sunshine. You love to see them coming. Others are like a puddle of hot, Ebola-laced cat pee. It's a celebration worthy of Red Velvet cake, premium ice cream, balloons and music when every trace of them is gone.

In your effort to maintain a good, positive environment in which an ailing person can heal and thrive, don't forget that it is also your environment--and the people allowed to occupy it may make it necessary that you make drastic adjustments. There is, however, no room for busybodies. None.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

PLAQUEMINE IS A LITTLE LESS SWEET


One of Plaquemine, Louisiana's wisest seasoned citizens, my dear aunt Marion Washington, lived 90 years. She was an outstanding wife, mother, neighbor and friend. She loved God and her church, and was one of the tidiest and most discerning and honest people I've ever met...She didn't abide messiness-- the clutter kind, or the kind that busybodies bring.

I love this photo of my Mom and 3 of her 4 siblings. My Uncle Woody on the far right, and my Auntee Marion, in the middle, were her in-laws, but were the type of in laws I'm sure every married person would hope for. Mommy loved them, and we knew, by their words and actions, that they loved us, too.
My uncle, Van Washington, (we affectionately call him Boo--and he's the reason why I love popcorn) is my Mom's only surviving sibling. Call his name when you pray, as well as my cousins, and childhood, summertime playmates, Lisa and Frances and the entire Washington, Mitchell, Nelson, Honor, Askins, James, Hamilton, and Trusclair families. 
Plaquemine is a little less sweet now. A lot of love was shared there...and to think that I saw it on Mulberry (and Meriam) Street.




CAREGIVER DIARIES

Hair hasn't exactly been a priority lately. Fortunately, whether I consciously attend to it or not, it will just do what it does. It is what it is, and it is anything if not spontaneous and flexible. It's bending and not breaking; being stretched and snapping right back. It's healthy and strong. I like that. It's how I'd like my perspective, my relationships, and myself to be (and remain), right about now--healthy and strong.  Yep. That's the desired attitude that should prevail. It's the state of my hair:  no stress, no heat, no constriction, no fuss, no pretense, no abuse, no deliberate neglect; no anxiety; great endurance...and patient.

I need a rake...or not.

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

CAREGIVER DIARIES

This morning, my Dad told me he thanked God for me as he prayed. "I really appreciate you". They were simple words but meant a great deal. There are things that one does, not because one has to, but because one can; because whatever it needed is the right thing to do. Care giving presents challenges, but it's your own attitude that demands adjusting each day. Too often, the biggest headache in the life of a caregiver has nothing to do with the illness. It's meddling, instigating micro-managers that can wreck a day. You have to be determined not to let them. Take your power back. Know why you do what you do. People can try to make you anxious. They don't have to succeed.

A little before lunch, the phone rang. Another of a string of nosy individuals phoned to interrogate. There was a time when I would have been bothered. Today, I just shrugged it off. Only an idiot--some new kind of idiot--or someone who has benefited from a person's  vulnerability, suffering or lack, would ask them if they regret having the help they need.
My Auntee Marion was right. "Some people are just messy, Baby, but you can't pay them no mind".
Stay focused, caregivers...: )

Monday, July 6, 2015

THE LITTLE THINGS


Two large sweet potatoes in the basket. Hmmm. Fries? Nah. I baked my first pie...and the king of sweet potato pies, my dad, asked for another piece. In my world, that's huge... Lol... It's been a good day...: )

Sunday, July 5, 2015

CAREGIVER DIARIES: HOME TRAINING 101


 I see the commercial all the time. "Stress raises cortisol; cortisol increases belly fat; Relacore reduces cortisol; you need Relacore"...Oh no you don't. You need to say what needs to be said, when, and how it needs to be said--without explanation, justification or apology, and you need never use a single non-Sunday school word. Taking your power back, standing up for what's right, and boldly confronting situations and difficult people are the weight reducing activities we often overlook.

I thought back to the things my mother taught. Home training was important. There were just some things we couldn't do. Today, I felt compelled to compose a new list:

1. Never walk into someone's home off of the street and head for the kitchen, refrigerator, or cabinets. You don't live there. You don't get to determine how clean your hands are. Your host does.

2. Calling before you stop by doesn't mean making the call while parked in the driveway of the person you want to visit. Be considerate. You might not get inside.

3. If your kid is sick, sneezing, or coughing, leave him or her at home. Share Cheetos, not germs.

4. If the activity in which you were previously engaged left you dirty, perspiring and humming (and not the musical kind), don't go and track dirt on someone's carpet or leave your salty DNA all over someone's upholstery.

5. There's a reasonable hour to call or visit. The crack of dawn, breakfast time, lunchtime, dinnertime and bedtime ain't it.

6.When you make a phone call and a party answers, say "Hello".

7. Familiarity is not endearing. Respect boundaries. Want to maintain your friendship status? Don't ever take "make yourself at home" as a signal to do whatever you want.

8. When visiting an elderly or ailing person's home, don't ever expect to be served. As a matter of fact, bring something. Why deplete another person's resources?

9. Never overstay your welcome. Know when to go home. Your host's yawning is a good sign.

10. What you may have been allowed to do in the past. may no longer be appropriate, given current circumstances. Know when people are being nice. What you've always been able to do may not fly anymore.

11.Pick your battles. Assume that people just don't know any better. Everyone was not raised in your mother's house.

12. Lead by example. Teach when necessary.

Friday, July 3, 2015