SATURDAY THOUGHTS: HARMONY WINS

For years, they've been picking up the phone, calling them to talk about/complain about you. Subsequently, they've been picking up the phone to call you to talk about/complain about them. Then, one fine day, you both get wise, and ask yourselves:
Why would someone want me to think less of someone else?
Why would someone want me to join in their dislike of, criticism of, disappointment with someone else--someone who has never done anything to harm me?

What is the payoff for maligning another person? Is it just sport to watch people grow farther and farther apart, or never get together at all?
How much do I truly know if I only have one version of a story?
Why am I not using my brain, and allowing someone to manipulate me and shape my thoughts?
What relationship(s) am I forfeiting by not using my own brain?
What support have I failed to offer and how much undeserved criticism have I given?
Just because someone is mad, do I have to be mad as well?
What is the truth, and to whom do I need to offer a sincere apology?

On that same fine day, you talk to each other and compare notes. It's the biggest "Aha Moment" of the century. You've both been played against each other, but now you're on the same team.

There's a common denominator and when you identify it, problem solved. Beef quashed. Misunderstanding understood. The hidden hand that's been throwing rocks will be exposed. The day you take back your listening ear and refuse to entertain, or cosign the words and sentiments a strife-loving individual, is the day your relationships with others will be mended. 

The day you realize that you don't have to agree with, or join in the bashing of another individual is the day at least one caller might lose your number on purpose.

Gossips need others to fuel their efforts. When you take back your support, stop agreeing, offer a different perspective, or defend the person who is being maligned, watch the gossip's reaction. Conversations will abruptly end. When people realize that you will no longer entertain their foolishness, don't be surprised if you become the topic of their next gossip campaign. Understand that a gossip is loyal to no one.

You may be surprised to find who's sowing seeds of discord amongst your family and friends. Why anyone would endeavor to pit you against others (and vice versa) --especially those closest to you isn't a mystery. 

Some people want to be right more than they want to be honest. People need allies even if it means creating division, and then they lament and wonder why no one is engaging, why there's distance, mistrust and strife. 

It's a shame but some people derive great benefit from keeping people at odds. Strife lovers want people fighting. It supports their cause and justifies their words.

It's not unusual to believe the words of someone you've always trusted, but even that person's words can be fortified with ulterior motives and overrun with lies. Frankly, there are people who thrive on discord. They like arguments and disagreements especially if the fallout is in their favor.

The next time someone seeks you out to badmouth someone else, shut it down immediately, and change the conversation. What could happen? Either they'll stop calling you or they'll find something more wholesome and edifying to talk about.

One must soberly consider how one treats others, and monitor what one says and does. My grandmother used to say, "Be nice to everybody. You never know who's gonna have to give you your last drink of water". Someone else ended my grandmother's  proverb this way: "You never know who's gonna have to wipe your ass". It's a hard pill to swallow when the person one has mistreated the most, is the one who shows up to help the most.

The last thing some people want to see is harmony. Champion it. Show it to them anyway.

CAREGIVER DIARIES: WAKING THOUGHTS

You don't have to answer someone's pettiness with a new and improved version of your own. We all have another, seedy, vengeful side that's always itching to come out and terrorize the playground, but we don't have to let it out of the classroom. It's not even about being the bigger person, it's about maintaining your own health and well-being. Let others be petty and small. Choose the high road. Keep doing what you've been doing-- not because you have to--but because it's right.

Many are so consumed with mourning who is not on the job, that they mistreat those who are.

Sometimes you have to remind others who you are NOT. What you are, however is present, accounted for, committed, concerned, consistent, and doing your very best. If others would prefer someone else, perhaps it's time they open their eyes...or their wallets. Whether it's wives, husbands, significant others, choir members, volunteers, or caregivers, sometimes a dry well is just the shocker people need to make them appreciate what they have, and what is being done on their behalf.

When one says they're going to...let's say... take a seasoned citizen out for breakfast, guess what the seasoned citizen does? Rises out of bed ultra early-- at the crack OF the crack of dawn, to get ready, then sits near a window and eagerly looks for a car to pull into the driveway. When one calls 5 minutes before the seasoned citizen is anticipating walking out the door and cancels, guess what the seasoned citizen does? It's strangely, almost like what happens when a non-custodial parent fails to show up to pick up their child for the weekend. Someone else, then, has to deal with the disappointment--and it's best to always be prepared to do just that. Whether it makes things better, is comparable, is accepted, or rejected is debatable, but switching gears and springing into action (when your springer isn't exactly awake) is at least something.

SEE THE LIGHT

Your best is quite good enough for someone else. Oh, yes it is, but perhaps the notion has been obscured by one too many encounters with the impossible. Maybe your best been lost in a toxic environment where help is greatly needed, but fiercely resented, or unappreciated. Someone else would greatly welcome your presence, efforts, time, insight, patience, expertise, love, care, resources, and help. It's not a threat or a puffed up declaration. It's just the truth--a truth that self-centered, ungrateful individuals hope you never learn. 
Sometimes you have to shift into "heartily as unto the Lord" mode and stay there. Some people will never be pleased; will never be satisfied; will never be thankful; will never change their ways; will never say, "I'm sorry"; will never tell the truth; will never say, "I was wrong"; will never seek peace; will always cast their negativity onto others; will always play the victim; will always try to take others down with them; will always find something to criticize and pick apart because they delight in making others feel small, incompetent, and inadequate. It's the only way they can feel good about themselves. When you finally realize that the giant/bully in your life is operating out of a place of utter weakness, uncertainty, insecurity, ignorance, hurt, and fear, your responses to them, their words and actions will drastically change. You used to become perplexed and cry. Not any more. It's not that you've become cold or mean, or don't have any more tears, it's just that you can find much better use for them.

People may seem to attack, but when you stop cowering long enough, you can see what they're really throwing at you, and how wild and poor their aim actually is. If you look closely, even their weapons are weak--they just appear to be big and loud. You haven't lost any blood at all. You don't have any broken bones. You've been listening to, and looking at their report. Now you see the truth. 
When you don't respond like you used to, it confuses toxic people; makes them angrier, and forces them to look at themselves and their deplorable behavior toward those who have shown them nothing but kindness. The truth IS the light. They can push all of the buttons they want, and you won't budge. You won't feel wounded or frustrated any more. You'll recognize and enjoy the support, love and encouragement of those who are secure enough to have your back; who DO see, and know your worth, and wouldn't dare tear you down, use, or harm you. 
And to think--you've been breaking your neck trying to figure out what you've done wrong, running for cover, defending, and beating up on yourself! Stop it! The cantankerous, mean-spirited, manipulative, oppressive, arrogant, angry spirits among us will never be happy--especially not with your light (that they can't control) messing up their carefully crafted darkness. 
Don't let the toxicity in someone else change who you are. Soar above it, and keep shining.